


contaminated

by iwannadreamforever



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Car Accidents, Emotional Baggage, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Romance, F/F, Fluffy Ending, Forbidden Love, Heavy Angst, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Physical Disability, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Burn, Survivor Guilt, Teacher-Student Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2020-11-18
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:47:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 108,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26815354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iwannadreamforever/pseuds/iwannadreamforever
Summary: "You aren’t going to let this happen again, are you?” Clarke mutters, slowly glancing up at Lexa.Lexa hadn’t expected to see Clarke the way she is looking at her – tears in her blue eyes, her lips pursed, overall a pained look on that beautiful face of hers.Shaking her head with a sad smile, Lexa knows this can never happen again.“I’m sorry.” she whispers, searching those blue eyes. “I never meant to turn you into this.”ORThe one where Clarke is Lexa's student and life gets in the way.
Relationships: Anya/Lincoln (The 100), Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Minor Lexa/Echo - Relationship
Comments: 231
Kudos: 1262





	1. prologue - polis

**Author's Note:**

> I am currently writing four fics at the same time, biggest challenge of my life.
> 
> After 7x16 I just had to.
> 
> Enjoy.
> 
> Playlist that may set the mood for this fic : open it [here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3aDiDhD5pHVgMQHO13gAuh?si=nqbY4GaVTXaOMXYkmR30Nw), and just in case you don't have Spotify, listen to it on [youtube](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLo7l0iDyoYJMFikhdRSnNr1-A73pXERQh). It is very diverse in genre, don't judge it by its first songs. I add songs plenty of times.

\\\

“Miss Woods!”

A voice calls, making Lexa look up from her desk, sliding her glasses further up her nose as she narrows her eyes to find the person speaking to her.

Staring into the almost-empty lecture room, Lexa can make out only two people – two girls she recognizes as Octavia Blake and Clarke Griffin.

She knows now that the voice belongs to Octavia, one of her brightest students. Octavia is smart – however she is not the student with the most potential. She works really hard, though, and Lexa knows that because of that, she will make it.

“Yes, Octavia?” the teacher replies, looking at her student expectantly. She glances over to Clarke, the blonde girl that looks just as bored as a few minutes before, when Lexa was explaining the basics of architectural structure to the freshmen.

“I was wondering if we are going to get a test about this.” green eyes meet green and Lexa smiles at her student.

“There won’t be a test, no. This doesn’t mean that this is not important for your general knowledge.” The teacher smiles, watching how Octavia is bouncing on her feet.

“I know. It’s not that I don’t want to know the basics, I actually love it.”

“Glad to hear that.” A smile forms on Lexa’s face as she studies the student’s face, wanting to find out whether she speaks the truth or not.

Octavia gives no indication whatsoever that she might be lying, so Lexa decides to simply go with it.

She glances at the blonde student behind Octavia – Clarke is eyeing Lexa with big blue eyes from time to time curiously, but doesn’t seem impressed at all.

The way the tips of her blonde hair are dyed pink, the way her face is relaxed, but her brows furrowed enough to look bored.

But when Lexa looks closely, she can see the small hints of emotion written on her face. She can’t exactly tell what it is, and she knows she shouldn’t be so curious about it.

She simply can’t help but wonder.

She shakes her head to herself, focusing back on Octavia. “Before you go, it’s Lexa. ‘Miss Woods’ makes me feel old.”

Lexa knows for a fact that many professors let themselves called by their first name. She had always liked professionalism, but letting students call her by her first name doesn’t seem so bad here.

“Alright. See you tomorrow. _Lexa_.” Octavia smirks, turning on her heels to walk out of the room. Lexa watches how Clarke stands for just a second, glaring at the teacher before following her friend out of the room.

Shaking her head in amusement, Lexa looks down at the papers on her desk.

This is her lecture room; architecture 101. She just started working here – she is about a month in working for Polis University as the new architecture professor - she started fresh when the new school year started as well.

It’s her first job in education, and Lexa enjoys it to no end. She loves teaching students everything she knows, even though she is young herself; only twenty-nine.

She has worked for a large architecture firm, but it never quite gave her the satisfaction she searched for.

But she got her doctoral degree in architecture, and there is nothing she loves more than teaching these young adults.

Maybe it is because she gets to relive her own youth, or maybe it’s because she has always been interested in teaching, trying to help students to get a future.

She doesn’t know, but she doesn’t care.

The only thing she has to know is that she loves what she is doing, despite the fact that it doesn’t earn as much money as working at the firm.

This was her last class of the week – she will need to check the homework that her students got this week. It is a lot of work and Lexa loves nothing more than to simply do it behind her desk in the large, empty lecture hall.

She has her own office, but somehow it gives her a more relaxed feeling to just do it in the lecture room. It is less distracting, and she knows that her students can find her easily here, in case they may have questions for her.

It can be nostalgic, to say the least. She herself attended Polis University once, taking the same classes that she is teaching now.

 _How times have changed_.

It is all she ever wanted, really. She knew she needed to gain experience in the field, so she did. She worked for four years after graduating, spending time with one of the best architects in the county.

There is this certain love that Lexa has for buildings – knowing that she is able to create such beautiful thing that can affect an entire skyline, in all its predictable ways. So much different from humans.

She herself designed one of the largest buildings in Polis, with her team, but she had given the most input. She is proud of it, but never had she thought she would be so happy passing her knowledge onto the students.

It is rare – to find professors of her age. But Lexa had been a young student, highly intelligent and finishing high school when she was just fifteen.

She finished college when she was nineteen and got her doctoral when she was twenty-four. She is proud of herself, but is never really one to show off.

Not many students know this about her, and she would like to keep it that way. The only goals she has right now is teaching her students what she knows, pushing them into becoming better than she ever was.

She sighs deeply, continuing to check the homework. She had given them the simple task to analyse a building of their choice in Polis – to go over the details and how the students themselves thought about the architectural structure of it.

It is quite amusing, reading some of the reports, Lexa has to admit. Octavia had chosen Polis University itself – ranting about all the things that weren’t designed well about the school and honestly, Lexa can’t help but agree.

She goes over everybody’s report, hating how much time it takes for her to finish it all.

The last report she has in hands is of Clarke. Curiously, she turns the paper.

She is surprised to find that Clarke has chosen the one building that Lexa had actually designed – the building that was now owned by the American National Bank.

Lexa is only smiling when she reads Clarke’s work. The blonde seems impressed by the building, stating that it’s ‘highly modern and totally awesome’.

Clarke seems to like the building and Lexa can feel a subtle sense of pride fill her chest as she keeps smiling. At least one of her students seems to have a good taste.

Since Clarke’s is her last report to check, Lexa quickly finishes up. She puts her things in her bag, making her way over to the teachers room – a small mess hall only for the professors at the university.

“Lexa!” she hears a slight familiar voice, turning around to meet Costia Teles, the woman that Lexa learned teaches psychology.

“Costia.” Lexa simply smiles, grabbing a paper cup to fill it with the crappy coffee.

“How are you liking it so far? I haven’t seen you around much – your office is always empty, but I have been trying to check up on you.” The woman smiles, walking up to Lexa near the coffee machine.

Lexa eyes her colleague. Costia is beautiful – her big brown eyes kind, her smile wide and her long hair drapes around her shoulders in wild, blonde curls. Lexa knows that Costia is most definitely her type.

She also knows that Costia has been flirting with her. And Lexa wouldn’t be Lexa if she would keep this relationship strictly professional. She wouldn’t dare going near a colleague.

 _Such a shame_.

Smiling, Lexa replies. “I spend most of my time in the lecture hall.”

“You don’t like the privacy in your office?” her smile is almost seductive, and Lexa hates how they are the only two professors in the room.

“I prefer doing it at my desk in the classroom.” Lexa stoically mumbles, taking a sip of her too-hot, incredibly nasty coffee.

“I see. How are the students treating you?”

“Fairly well, actually.” The smile on her face is genuine, but Lexa feels lightly uncomfortable.

Lexa knows that she is good looking – most of the time in her career she has not been taken seriously because of it.

She also knows that she would just have to say the word and Costia would come home with her, based on the look on her colleagues face.

But the architecture professor doesn’t give in. She doesn’t like not being able to separate her personal life from her professional one.

She isn’t one to share personal information, especially not something that involves her sexuality.

“That is good to know.” Costia turns a little, probably sensing that Lexa is not in the mood for flirting. “I will see you around, then.”

Turning slowly, it is as if Costia is giving Lexa time to reconsider. It only amuses her, watching Costia awkwardly walk out of the room, while Lexa sips on her coffee again.

She sighs.

Her personal life is basically non-existent, and she is turning down a woman who has potential.

Lexa has always been focused on her career, never really dating much. It had never interested her as much as architecture did – maybe she was obsessed a little too much by it.

But now, working as a teacher, she has found herself having more spare time and it is more boring than she had ever anticipated.

But she doesn’t mind. She is good, being by herself. She has her occasional one-night-stand, at least giving her the release she needs every once in a while.

Sighing deeply, she finishes her cup of coffee, noticing that the sky is already turning darker outside.

The janitor is somewhere in the building, so Lexa doesn’t have to lock up.

She takes her things, putting on her jacket as she straightens the collar to provide more warmth as she steps outside on the large campus.

It’s only the end of September, but the fall has arrived early this year.

Walking past the dorms, Lexa can already hear the music coming from them. She smiles dismissively, knowing that the students aren’t allowed to throw parties, but she is more than willing to let them make their own choices.

She once was like that. Living in the dorms, partying until the sun rose, being so drunk that she couldn’t remember what had happened the night before.

Lexa quickly makes her way to her car, placing her briefcase in the back. She drives to her apartment in the darkness, noticing how quiet the city becomes after a certain hour.

Once she parks her car in the shared garage underneath her building, her phone rings. She doesn’t bother answering – knowing the reception down here is bad.

She will call back.

She takes the elevator to the tenth floor. Pulling the phone out of her pocket, she makes her way into her loft, dropping herself onto the couch.

She is glad that it’s weekend – at least she won’t have to worry about checking homework anymore. She always tries to do that the same day that they students are supposed to turn it in.

Checking her screen, she finds that she has a missed call from Anya.

Groaning, Lexa already knows what this is about.

Anya is her cousin. Lexa has promised Anya ages ago that they would go out and get some drinks, but Lexa has gotten so busy with her new job that she keeps forgetting.

She decides to call her cousin back.

“About fucking time, Woods.”

Lexa just snorts, hearing her cousins voice. Anya sounds irritated and happy at the same time, which is a combination that only Lexa’s cousin could provide.

“I know, I know. I should have called sooner. But hey, I am doing great at my new job!” Lexa smiles, tossing her briefcase somewhere beside her couch as she struggles to take off her jacket with one hand.

“I still don’t understand how you switched from your firm to fucking teaching kids.”

“They are not kids, Anya. They are young adults.” The brunette smiles, turning on several cosy lights in her apartment, taking a glass of wine before dropping herself back onto the couch.

“Whatever. Lincoln and I are going out tonight, are you coming?”

“Depends on where you are going.”

Lincoln is Anya’s boyfriend and Lexa’s best friend.

Anya and Lincoln have been together for all eternity and Lexa still doesn’t know what Lincoln sees in her cousin.

Lincoln is the kindest, calmest man she has ever met, and Anya is the exact opposite – rude, cold and stoic.

Lexa knows it’s only a façade, but it is still strange to see the two of them together, no matter how much she loves the both of them.

She agrees before Anya answers her question.

“Fine.”

“Meet us at Arkadia in an hour.”

“Fine.”

“Fine.”

\\\

“You are drunk already, aren’t you?” Lexa laughs the moment she slips into the booth where she had just found her cousin and her best friend.

“She totally is.” Lincoln laughs, winking at Lexa.

“I am totally not!” Anya slurs, slapping her boyfriend on the arm as she leans over the table clumsily to give Lexa a hug.

“Did you order for me?” the brunette smiles, eying her two best friends from across them.

“Just a beer.” Lincoln slides a glass full across the table and Lexa smoothly catches it, taking a sip.

Anya’s hazel eyes are glassy, her blonde hair a mess and Lexa already knows she has had way too much for tonight.

“Don’t you look nice this evening.” She teases, taking another sip of her beer, glad that she can finally relax into the weekend.

“Well, thank you, Professor Woods.” Anya spits back, seemingly annoyed but Lincoln just rolls his eyes at his girlfriend.

“Is Echo going to join us?” Lexa ignores Anya’s comment, turning to Lincoln.

“Not sure.”

Echo is a particularly good friend of them. Lexa has slept with her multiple times though; just as friends with benefits. Lexa can never complain about that – Echo knows her thoroughly and is too cold to let feelings get in the way of their friendship.

Lexa only feels the same way. Since she turned down Costia today, Echo has crossed her mind several times.

She downs her beer quickly, ready for the next one.

She makes small talk with Lincoln and Anya, her cousin seeming to have completely forgotten about Lexa turning them down for weeks.

They drink more and more, until Lincoln proposes for them to move to their favourite dance club – the club that Lexa hasn’t visited in months.

She can feel the alcohol messing with her head; a comfortable, nice buzz that makes her find everything more amusing than it truly is, making her more affectionate.

They leave a large tip on the table, before leaving, on their way to The Ark. The Ark is a dance club, having the same owner as the bar Arkadia.

Lexa’s arm is wrapped tightly around Anya’s waist as the blonde leans on her cousin heavily, slurring drunk words that Lexa doesn’t understand. Lincoln is just as amused as the brunette is – small smiles keep tugging on the corner of their lips as Anya keeps proclaiming her love for the two of them.

Somehow, they never explore other clubs – find the Ark too amusing and comfortable to ever move elsewhere. Plus, it’s a LGBT tolerant club; something Lexa appreciates whenever she is drunk, trying to pick up women to sleep with.

It sounds pathetic in her head when she thinks about it, but it really works for her. She has never felt the need to have just a certain someone to herself – being alone is simply what she does best.

Arriving at the club, the bouncer recognizes them, letting them in without blinking.

Anya instantly moves to the dancefloor, while Lexa walks with her best friend towards the bar to get more drinks.

“What’s up with Anya?” Lexa asks, knowing that she is tipsy. But she isn’t tipsy enough to let Anya’s behaviour slide – her cousin has been acting different than before. Maybe more caring, despite all the alcohol.

“She misses you.” Lincoln leans in an yells, trying to be heard over the loud music.

“Is that all?”

“She is worried about you!”

“Why?” Lexa orders tequila. Tequila gets her drunk quickly and somehow, she wishes she already were.

“Ask her yourself.” Lincoln smiles.

“Are you?”

“Am I what?”

“Worried about me?” leaning against her best friend, his arm leans casually on her shoulder – it never bothered them to have so much physical contact. Lexa hates it with other people, but Lincoln and Anya are her family.

Lexa is curious about what Lincoln really thinks. He is never really one to speak much – he just lets her live her life, while Anya mostly criticizes every move she makes.

She has never minded, but lately it starts to bother her.

“Sometimes.” Lincoln downs a beer quickly before ordering a new one, not quite ready to leave the conversation just yet.

“Why?” Lexa smiles at the bartender handing her the tequila.

“You are alone, Lexa. You haven’t had a serious relationship in years, and I am afraid that you will always be alone.”

“What if that is enough for me?” Lexa questions, not even knowing if that is the truth. She might be good at being alone, but she still hasn’t figured out yet what she actually wants.

But deep down she knows, is that she simply hasn’t found the one yet. And she doesn’t mind.

She likes being alone – having stable income, having a routine created just for herself.

“I don’t think it is, Lexa. But it is your life.” Lincoln smiles, taking two beers in his hands.

Lexa is just about to take her tequila as well, when she feels a small nudge at her arm.

She glances aside curiously, surprised with who she finds standing next to her with an amused smile.

“Lincoln, I’ll be right there.” Lexa smiles at her friend quickly before turning back to the person standing by her side.

“Clarke.” Lexa lets her drink stand on the bar, turning lightly to face her student.

She meets big blue eyes, a kind, but held-back smile. Lexa feels the buzz in her head as she smiles towards her student. Never had she expected to bump into one of her students outside of work.

In the disco-lights, Lexa tries to study the blonde’s face, but she can’t make anything of it. She is too drunk to function properly, trying to hide it furiously before Clarke finds out. She needs to set an example for her student after all.

It is then, that she notices how pretty Clarke really is.

She buries that thought as quick as humanly possible, because god, she cannot ever think such a thing about her student.

She just prays that Clarke can’t see her cheeks flushing as she glances at her glass, trying to find something useful to say.

Lexa doubts if she should be here right now, considering her being a freshman.

“I don’t think you are supposed to be here.” Lexa reasons, thinking about how Clarke should be too young to be here, probably.

“I am twenty-one, you know.” The blonde narrows her eyes while she watches the teacher. Her smile has fallen from her face and she seems more serious now.

“Are you?” Lexa argues, hating how she doesn’t know the exact age of her student. She watches Clarke fumble with her hands and wonders why she had nudged Lexa in the first place – Clarke had never seemed too keen about Lexa.

“Do you want to see my ID?”

Shaking her head, Lexa smiles. “I want to believe you, Clarke. I have to go, though.”

“Boyfriend?” Clarke motions her head towards the place where Lincoln just disappeared, her face completely neutral. It bothers Lexa that she can’t read the blonde.

“Something like that.” She just says, taking the drink in her hand. “See you on Monday, Clarke.”

“Right. Bye, _Lexa_.”

Lexa tries to ignore the way her name rolls off Clarke’s tongue. It goes smoothly, as if she has been saying it all her life, her husky voice gentle as the tiniest smile tugs on the corner of the blonde’s lips.

Lexa doesn’t reply anymore – she knows her cousin is waiting for her.

Instead, she turns around to walk into the crowd.

When she glances back to the bar, Clarke has faded into the busy crowd.

\\\

Monday comes too quickly for Lexa.

She had been drinking way too much on Friday, leaving her with the most terrible hangover she had ever had on Saturday.

She spent the entire weekend just watching Netflix movies, happy that she finally had some free time on her hands for the first time in months.

She had thought about what Lincoln had said at the Ark, probably more than she cared to admit.

So what if she likes being on her own? So what if she likes working much?

She is standing in her bathroom, getting ready to go to the university. She glances at herself in the mirror.

She meets her own bright green eyes, the small tugging at her thick lips and her bouncy dark curls, still wet from the shower. Yeah, she has always been happy with the way she looked – her high cheekbones and sharp jawline have granted her more compliments than she could ever count.

She applies subtle make-up, drying her hair to put it in a tight bun, putting on a simple suit. Lexa always likes looking as professional as possible, and that is exactly what she tries to achieve at the university.

Professional, but not too distant towards her students. She makes her way over to her work too early, wanting to prepare the classes she has today.

She settles behind the desk in the lecture room, ready for the students to arrive.

The morning goes by fast – teaching more advanced architecture to the junior students has always been more challenging than teaching to freshmen. But she loves it all.

After lunch she has a class with the freshmen, watching them arrive one by one.

She is just about to start her slideshow on the digital board, when a certain blonde enters the room, trying to slip in unnoticed, but Lexa spots her already.

She remembers seeing her on Friday night and Lexa still wonders why Clarke was there and whom she was with. Not that it is any of her business, though.

“Miss Griffin.” She simply smiles. “Don’t be late next time.”

The blonde nods quickly, walking up the stairs of the lecture hall, hurrying to sit next to Octavia Blake somewhere in the middle.

As Lexa starts her class, she can see how Clarke and Octavia whisper things at each other. She knows she should let it go, so she does.

But in the end, Clarke and Octavia become quite loud and Lexa throws an annoyed look into their direction.

“Miss Blake, Miss Griffin. Do my teachings bore you? The door is right there.” She points to the door, tapping her desk impatiently with her other hand.

The only thing she asks of her students is a little respect, and at the moment Clarke and Octavia aren’t giving that to her.

She watches from afar, how Octavia’s eyes widen slightly, how Clarke’s head tilts subtly as if she is challenging the professor.

Lexa doesn’t like the attitude at all. She decides to let it go, though, for now. She hates to be the teacher that everybody thinks is way to uptight.

Since it’s her last class of the day, Lexa decides to call in Clarke after the rest leaves.

“Miss Griffin.” Lexa simply says, her glasses on top of her nose, sitting behind the desk in the classroom.

She doesn’t even look up as she hears footsteps approach.

“Yes?” Clarke’s voice is innocent, but Lexa knows that it’s fake.

“If my classes are truly boring you, I’d rather have that you wouldn’t attend them.” Lexa simply says, before finally looking up to meet bright blue eyes.

She swallows deeply, trying to keep her face as stoic as possible around the pretty blonde, but she feels like she is failing.

Clarke’s face reveals nothing. It is probably just as stoic as Lexa’s face is at the moment.

“They don’t bore me.”

“Then please explain why you were late _and_ chatting with your friend up there the entire time?”

“I was just updating her about my weekend.”

“Don’t you have enough time during the breaks to talk to her about that?” Lexa takes the glasses off her face, wondering whatever it is that clearly bothers Clarke.

The poker face the blonde has falls lightly, showing just the tiniest bit of sadness in her eyes as she looks down to the books she is carrying.

“I don’t see her outside of this class.”

She says it so softly, that Lexa nearly misses it.

She softens at the sight of Clarke. She is wearing simple skinny jeans, a black hoodie and a leather jacket.

Her clothes are too casual to perform as rebellious, but the pink hair gives it away.

“Well, I would like it next time if you’d keep it down a little. I am not the worst teacher, you know, so this is just a warning.” Lexa smiles, standing up from her chair.

She is currently craving coffee – she still has some paperwork to do before she can go home.

She notices that she is only a fraction taller than the blonde. She hates that she is paying attention to those small details, but she shrugs it off.

“Yes, ma’am.” Clarke simply nods.

“ _Please_ , just call me Lexa.” Lexa insists. If Clarke truly is twenty-one, that would mean she is just as much an adult as Lexa is. She hates it when people call her anything other than Lexa.

“Okay.” Clarke nods, her eyes roaming over Lexa’s face mysteriously before she turns quickly and leaves the room.

Surprised, Lexa leans on her desk for a moment. She shakes her head, grabbing the papers from her desk to put it in her briefcase. She decides to take all the paperwork that's left, home.

Before going home, Lexa makes her way over to the teachers canteen, grabbing a cup of espresso. She downs it quickly, feeling the hot liquid down her throat. 

She puts on her jacket, taking her briefcase as she wonders down the long halls, stepping outside. She walks down the concrete stairs in front of the main building, scanning the area of the campus.

She has always loved Polis University - it is a large campus, with many international students.

She walks happily down to the parking lot.

She climbs into her audi. 

Just when she is about to start her engine, she notices a familiar flash of blonde hair.

It's Clarke.

Clarke seems to be arguing with an older woman, standing near a car not to far away from Lexa's. 

The brunette assumes it's the blonde's mother - but she can't be sure.

She tries to shrug it off, but she can't help but worry when she is on her way home.

\\\


	2. directions

\\\

She knows she probably shouldn't do it, but she does it anyway.

She has been thinking about it, telling herself that she is simply curious, or rather concerned about her students wellbeing. In a way, she is. Maybe that is why she is searching.

She looks for a certain file, revealing a certain age of a certain student.

Surprised, Lexa raises her eyebrows when she finds out that Clarke is actually twenty-one, her birthday was only a month ago. She has no idea why she is surprised that the blonde actually told her the truth.

Sighing, tired of herself, she hates how she cares enough to want to find out the students' age.

She shouldn't get involved, she knows this. She shouldn't worry, and yet she did, the other day, when she saw Clarke argue with another woman. The way she looked so distraught, it is printed into Lexa’s mind.

Lexa sits at her desk, her laptop in front of her as she is checking the schedule for the next month. The first round of tests are coming up and she wonders what else she should teach her students for them to be as well prepared as possible.

As she is working on a few documents, she feels cold in her classroom. She is only wearing a navy blouse and simple grey slacks. She makes a mental note to put on blazers from now on - it is simply too cold in this school when the temperatures outside drop below a certain point.

She checks her watch; it's just a little after three in the afternoon. She knows she should walk by the library before going home, trying to find a suitable project for her students, one that involves the basic teachings of the architectural constructure.

She packs her stuff, taking her bag and coat as she locks up her lecture hall behind her. She makes her way through the large, sterile white hallways, towards the building that contains the giant library.

As a student here, she had always loved the library. She spent many hours there, studying, reading anything that would help her studies or simply caught her attention.

She loves it that the same librarian is still working here - Miss Browning.

Miss Browning has always known Lexa for coming by and seems surprised to see her again.

She has friendly blue eyes, short grey hair and Lexa wonders when she will retire.

"Lexa Woods, I'll be damned!" the woman calls from behind her desk delicately enough not to disturb the peace in the library. "What are you doing here?"

Chuckling, Lexa makes her way up to the woman. "I work here now."

"Really, love?" Miss Browning smiles from her chair. Lexa can tell that she is getting older, but the obstinate woman will probably work here until the day she dies, which entertains Lexa to no end.

"Yes, really. I was wondering if you still have a few shelves of architecture for me." Lexa simply grins, knowing that Miss Browning knows about her love for architecture.

"Well, of course, love. Nothing's changed, except that I received an entire new collection a few years after you left us."

"Mind if I take a look?" the brunette smiles at the librarian, who only waves with her hand in consent.

"Take anything you want, but I do have to register, so come back to me once you’re finished."

"I will, thank you."

Grinning, Lexa makes her way over to the shelves that she has spent hours at, all those years ago.

Just when she is about to pull out a book, she hears an alarm. It startles her shortly. But then, she realises what it is.

Rolling her eyes, Lexa remembers how the University had fire alarm drills every year, near the end of September. It means that she is probably stuck in the library for an hour or two before the lockdown ends.

"It's just a drill, people!" Miss Browning yells through the library, not so subtly.

Great.

At least she got stuck in the library and not the toilets or another place she can barely do something useful.

Lexa pulls out a book that catches her interest, taking it to the reading corner as she sits down.

There are more than a dozen comfortable chairs, only one of them occupied besides Lexa's.

The brunette smiles internally when she spots Clarke, sitting a few yards away from her, drawing something in a sketch pad, earplugs in, her head slowly bouncing on the beat to whatever song she is listening.

Her tongue pokes out of her mouth in concentration, her head half tucked into a navy hoodie. Her brows are furrowed, and Lexa doesn’t realise that she is staring at her student.

The blonde doesn't spot Lexa, so the teacher simply grabs the book about architecture, starting to read eagerly. The glasses up her nose, Lexa tries to make herself comfortable for the next hour.

Her legs crossed, lightly slouched as she leans into the chair, reading a new book on the classic foundation of architectural structure.

Without really noticing it, Lexa subconsciously glances over to Clarke from time to time. The blonde seems to be in her own world - seems to have not noticed Lexa or any other people around her.

Spending her time reading, Lexa forgets where she is, pushing the glasses up her nose when they slide down again. She is only awoken from her daze when she can hear the voice of Miss Browning through the library.

"Drill is over, you can go now!"

Lexa sighs. She doesn't really want to leave - the book is quite interesting to say the least. But she stands up, packing her things, ready to leave.

She notices Clarke still sitting in the chair, still drawing. Lexa isn't sure if the blonde has heard that the drill is over, so she casually walks up to her.

Naturally, the blonde looks up in annoyance when she notices somebody standing in front of her, amusing Lexa lightly, but she keeps her face neutral.

Lexa notices how Clarke's eyes soften ever so slightly when she meets Lexa's green eyes. Smiling, she gently taps on Clarke's sketchbook.

"Drill is over, you can go."

"Oh. I am not done yet, so I'll be staying here for a while." the blonde simply says, her face unbiased, she takes out the earplugs roughly, probably feeling disturbed.

"Okay. I wasn't sure if you had heard that the drill was over or not. What are you working on?" curious, Lexa watches how Clarke shields her sketchbook from her, clearly not in the mood to share anything with her teacher.

Lexa raises her free hand in amusement. "You don't have to show me. Good day, Clarke."

Just when she is about to turn around, Clarke stops her, surprising Lexa by changing her mind so quickly. "I was working on this building."

Lexa's eyes gaze towards the notebook and the brunette is surprised with what she sees when the blonde shows her.

It is an entire building, modern but unique, every detail present as Clarke has been sketching the outer lines.

"Can I?" Lexa puts down her bag and coat, taking the sketchbook when Clarke offers it for her to take. As she studies it closely, Lexa's fingers trail the thin lines of the pencil marks. She is surprised. This is really good, maybe even better than her own ideas.

"Did you do this all on your own?" she asks out of pure interest, but Clarke's face falls lightly.

"You don't think I could do it myself?"

"That is not what I implied, Clarke." rolling her eyes internally, Lexa hands back the sketchbook. The blonde seems to regret her choice of showing Lexa. "It is really amazing. You have true talent."

"Thanks." shrugging, Clarke takes the pencil to continue sketching. 

"Bye, Clarke." she simply says when she doesn’t get anything else out of the blonde, picking up her things before walking towards Miss Browning.

She misses the way the students stares after her as she walks away.

Clarke seemed bored with Lexa already. The brunette can’t blame her – she never liked it when teachers walked up to her to talk about random things.

Smiling Lexa places the book she found on the desk of the librarian. "Can I borrow this?"

"Sure thing, Lexa." Miss Browning smiles, making a note in her computer before letting Lexa go.

The brunette makes her way through the halls again, this time to walk outside to go home.

\\\

"Echo." Lexa smiles as she opens her front door. She meets brown eyes, a tiny grin and she holds the door open to let the other girl in.

"Lexa." the other woman simply says, taking off her jacket as she makes her way through Lexa's apartment, sitting down on the couch.

"Wine?"

"Please."

To Lexa, meeting with Echo alone feels often like a business transaction. The other girl is emotionally distant, but Lexa never minds. They get along surprisingly well, and the brunette has to admit she is physically attracted to Echo.

She is a beautiful woman, only a few years older than Lexa.

The brunette knows that Echo invited herself over just to get laid, but Lexa _let_ her for the exact same reason.

She doesn't mind. Lately, she has had many times where she had considered calling Echo to get herself that form of release.

She fills two glasses with red wine, bringing one over to Echo as she rests beside the woman.

"How are you doing?" Echo smiles softly into the other girls' direction, her eyes friendly as she takes a small sip of her wine.

"I am doing great." Lexa replies, sinking deeper into her couch. She has had a long week - preparing the students for their upcoming tests, so she could definitely use the distraction of the other girl.

Propping her feet on her coffee table, Lexa leans into Echo lightly. Even though their relationship is mostly based on sex; they get along just fine, and Lexa trusts her.

If she would have killed somebody and she would need someone to hide the body with, she'd call Echo. The girl would do anything, even if she barely shows any affection most of the time.

She has been a friend of Lexa, Anya and Lincoln for as long as she can remember, not as close as the rest, but close, nonetheless. Lexa can't envision the friend group without Echo.

So, she leans on her head on the girls shoulder. "How have you been? Been a while since I have seen you."

"Doing just fine, Lexa."

Lexa can hear the smile in her voice as she speaks, leaning her head on top of Lexa's.

The two women silently sip their glasses as Lexa turns on her TV. They drink a little until Lexa can clearly feel the alcohol in her system. It's when she turns off her TV, climbing on top of Echo to straddle her lap unexpectedly.

She leans in, meeting Echo's lips in an open-mouthed kiss. It is heated and fast - just the touches that Lexa needs at the moment.

She moans into it, grinding her hips as she can feel Echo's hands roam over her body, tugging on her blouse.

Without any thought, Lexa opens the buttons of her shirt, causing Echo to move her lips down Lexa's neck, sucking on her clavicle as Lexa keeps grinding into her.

For some strange reason, it doesn't turn Lexa on as much as it used to – as if her mind is elsewhere. She doesn’t know where this is coming from, or _what_ exactly is distracting her.

She lets it slide, simply because she wants an orgasm.

Scratch that – she _needs_ one.

Echo easily lifts Lexa as she stands up- cupping her ass as Lexa wraps her arms and legs around the other woman as she continues kissing her deeply.

Echo carries the brunette towards the bedroom, dropping her on the bed smoothly as they get rid of their clothing quickly.

It is quick and hot, and before Lexa knows it, it's over. There is absolutely nothing special about this.

Both drenched in sweat, they lie on their backs in Lexa's bed, breathing heavily.

As Lexa gazes at the ceiling, she realises that this is the very first time, that she doesn't feel good about it and she has no idea _why_.

\\\

"Good afternoon everyone." Gustus Forest speaks, as they all sit down in the conference room.

Lexa is almost free, after this meeting with the architecture department of the school. This is where they discuss all events, particularities and tests that are coming up. Lexa loves the meetings, getting to know her new colleagues just a bit more.

Gustus is the head of the architecture department. Like Lexa, there are five other professors that teach anything related to either modern or classical architecture, since the university offers two different programs - Urban Design and Architecture, which Lexa teaches, and Historical and Sustainable Architecture, which is more about preservation and restoration of buildings that already exist.

There is Luna – the woman that is teaching the technical sides of drawing and designing. Lexa does not like her, at all.

Then there is Ryder – a man with a large beard, kind dark eyes and the brightest laugh. He loves joking around and teaches in mostly management and market opportunities. His best friend seems to be Nyko – the man sitting beside Lexa.

Nyko has friendly blue eyes, is just as large as Gustus is and has the same type of beard that Ryder has. He teaches 3D modelling, designing and planning altogether.

Put Ryder and Nyko in the same room and you feel like you are in high school again. Lexa already feels at home just because of the two.

At last there is Niylah and Gaia, two other women that are probably about five years older than Lexa.

They teach the same thing Lexa does – construction techniques and math, besides designing and planning.

While Lexa teaches in the modern side, Gaia and Niylah mostly teach in the classical one, dividing all their tasks equally.

"It is only the beginning of October, I know, but I would like to talk about the upcoming trip in January." Gustus continues, looking at each and every teacher in the room. "And we need volunteers for the trip. I would, obviously, recommend at least two of you to join. This years’ trip with the freshmen is to Chicago."

Lexa's eyes light up at the mention of Chicago. She loves that city, indeed for its modern buildings, the architecture there has always pulled her in.

"Anyone who would like to go?" Gustus looks around the group.

"I would." Lexa simply nods, smiling as she looks at the intimidating man that leads the meeting.

"Me, too." Nyko speaks up with a grin.

"Nobody else?" Gustus looks around the room and the other teachers shake their heads. For them it only means more free time, since the freshmen won't have any classes for a week.

"Good, then that is settled. Lexa, Nyko, I will send you the program somewhere near December, so you can prepare. You will take the bus to the city."

"Bus?" Lexa chokes on her water, coughing as Nyko laughingly pats her back.

She tries to calm herself as she reaches for air, leaving Gustus with a small grin on his face. "Yes, Lexa. The bus. We don't have the budget to go by plane. It'll take about 16 hours, so you can book a motel to get some rest during the trip."

"Okay." Lexa quickly recovers. She is simply glad that they are not going to New York - that is much further away than Chicago.

"Still want to go?" Nyko whispers while Gustus continues, making Lexa hide a laugh behind her hand.

Luna sends them a glare from across the table and Lexa just puts on her stoic face, regaining her professionalism.

She never liked Luna - the woman is arrogant and finding herself too important for the rest of them. She could never stand people like that.

Lexa still catches Gaia’s playful gaze, and Lexa only sends a small smile in her direction.

She is glad that Luna hadn't offered to come with them on the trip - thinking she and Nyko could make it work, taking about 50 students to the big city.

As the meeting continues, Lexa makes a few notes about the things that matter, writing them down in her iPad.

It doesn't last too long, so her weekend starts early this time.

"Want to grab some drinks?" Nyko proposes to the group as Gustus leaves the room, to which Lexa happily nods. It is the very first time that they will do something beside work.

Only Ryder and Niylah look up with smiles on their faces.

And so, the four of them make their way to a bar across campus, sitting down in a booth. Lexa has never been to the bar before – it looks cosy and old, but the music in the background is good.

"So Lexa, how do you like it so far?" Niylah asks with a smile while Ryder walks to the bar to order some beers.

"I love it, actually. How long have you all been teaching here?"

"Just about twenty years now." Nyko laughs, sitting next to Lexa, wearing a simple turtleneck. The brunette smiles lightly.

"I attended Polis myself, but I can't remember ever meeting you." The brunette questions.

"Probably because you studied Modern Architecture. We teach the classical part, mostly." Nyko smirks. 

"I just work here for over 2 years, now. I have read your work, it's impressive what you have done so far." Niylah keeps smiling, her grey eyes focused on Lexa's green ones.

"Well, thank you."

"This one is for you, Lexie, this one for you Nyk, and for you, my darling." Ryder walks back to the booth, setting down four beers as he slips in beside Niylah.

"Lexie?" Lexa quirks a brow, not sure whether she should be annoyed or amused.

"Ryder has nicknames for everybody." Nyko just laughs, raising his glass. "To Lexa!"

"To me?" Lexa raises her glass hesitantly, but the small group laughs.

“To Lexa!” Niylah and Ryder yell in unison, ticking their glasses together. The group takes their first sip of beer, smoothly talking about work and light personal stuff.

They discuss their students, and how much joy they get from this job.

The one thing that Lexa notices, is that every single one of them absolutely loves their job. She never had that when she worked at the firm and she loves being a part of this, she knows she will probably work here until she is going to retire.

“We have a famous person here.” Ryder laughs, referring to Lexa and her newly built skyscraper in the city.

“I am not famous, and it is not just me who worked on that one, you know.” Lexa laughs as she holds her beer. She figures she can drink one before she will go home – she still has to drive.

“You were in the local architecture magazine. Gustus was so excited that you applied at our university.” Niylah adds with an amused smirk, clearly making Lexa a little uncomfortable.

“Gustus excited?” Lexa giggles lightly. She can’t imagine the big stoic man excited.

“He was, actually. He has been following your work.” Ryder nods, leaning down lazily in the booth.

“He has?” Lexa raises her eyebrows in surprise. She had never expected that they would have actually known her before she even applied to the job.

“Yup.” Popping the ‘p’, Nyko is fast to down his drink. Lexa takes it easier.

“So what about you? Did you work as an architect before teaching?” Lexa curiously asks Nyko.

“Back in the days that wasn’t really necessary. I studied architecture, teaching and that was about it.” Nyko sends a kind smile in Lexa’s direction, which she happily returns.

“What about you?” she asks Ryder and Niylah, watching as the two are glancing at each other.

“I worked in New York for a small company, but never stayed there long.” Ryder grins, taking another sip of his beer. “I got bored.”

“And then you go teach at… Polis.” Lexa laughs. Polis University isn’t the best university in the country, fairly unknown but famous to locals. Polis is the biggest city in the entire state of Wyoming, nothing else is really interesting down here.

“I grew up here.” He explains. “I always knew that I didn’t belong in the big Apple.”

“I have the same story, only just a few years after him.” Niylah laughs, leaning teasingly against Ryder.

Lexa just smiles. She can feel her heart warm, happy that she has these seemingly amazing colleagues.

They chat a bit more, until Lexa can feel her stomach rumble lightly. She is hungry, had one beer and she needs to get home.

All she wants is just lie on her couch, maybe watching a nice documentary on Netflix.

She is the first to stand up. “This one’s on me.” Throwing cash on the table, they all stand up, walking outside, speaking softly.

“We should do this more often.” Ryder smiles widely as he pats Niylah and Lexa’s shoulders, watching Nyko from behind the two women.

“We should.” Nyko mirrors his grin. He leans in, giving Niylah and Lexa a distant kiss on the cheek as in to say goodbye.

“Especially if Lexa keeps paying.” Niylah teases, making Ryder laugh heartedly.

Nyko does the same thing and after another short goodbye, the group parts.

Lexa walks to the parking lot on her own, her things with her as she approaches her car.

She throws her bag and jacket in the back, and just when she is about to slide into her seat, she spots somebody sitting on the sidewalk, just a few feet on the right from her car.

“Clarke?” Lexa calls out gently, startling the blonde. She clearly hadn’t seen Lexa.

The brunette closes her car door, walks around the front of her car to sit down next to the blonde, with just enough distance to keep it professional.

The blonde is wearing a simple black jeans and a thick dark jacket. Her blonde hair is sprawled loosely around her shoulders, shielding her face partly from Lexa.

“I mean, this is a nice view, but the pavement is kind of hard to sit on.” Lexa smiles, glancing aside.

That earns her the tiniest smile from the blonde, giving Lexa a subtle sense of satisfaction.

When the blonde doesn’t speak, Lexa pulls in her knees to hug herself. She is cold, since she already threw her jacket in the car and the sun has already set, cooling the earth down even more.

“Why are you sitting here?” Lexa then asks, after a short moment of comfortable silence.

Eying the blonde subtly, she can see how Clarke tries to keep her face neutral, but she thinks she may even see a little sadness in her features.

“My mother was supposed to pick me up.” The blonde’s tone is surprisingly quiet, small and fragile.

Lexa hates how she cares so much.

“How long have you been waiting?”

The student won’t look at Lexa and she understands. This could probably be embarrassing for the blonde, Lexa may even be crossing a line.

“Two hours.” Clarke mutters, finally glancing over at Lexa. “You’re cold.”

“Well, it is October after all.” Lexa jokes, but shivers just as the blonde had observed. She meets Clarke’s blue eyes and it’s the first time that she can see them from this close.

She swallows, watching how the blonde doesn’t tear her gaze away from Lexa’s face. Her eyebrows are furrowed and it’s like she is just trying to memorizing the brunettes face.

Lexa hides the fact that it makes her uncomfortable. “Can I give you a ride home?”

“No, thanks.”

“Are you sure? Have you called your mother?” Lexa smiles, already standing up. She doesn’t want to pressure her student into doing something she doesn’t want to.

“She is not answering.” The blonde looks back on the parking lot, staring into nothing.

There is a certain sadness that she carries with her that Lexa is all too curious about. 

“Fine.” Clarke sighs deeply, as if she really has no other choice, standing up.

Lexa smiles at her, opening the passenger side door for the blonde, walking around herself to step into her car.

“Where do you live?”

“I’ll give you directions.” Her lips pursed into a thin line, Clarke just looks in front of her as she buckles up.

As Lexa drives away, she can already tell that they are probably going to get stuck in traffic.

She drums her fingers on the steering wheel as she drives through the city slowly, humming softly to the music on the radio.

“Turn right here.” Clarke only gives the necessary directions, but when Lexa glances aside, the blonde seems a little more relaxed than ever before.

“You’re new, right?” the student then asks out of nowhere, stunning Lexa.

They are stuck in traffic, so Lexa’s car is standing still in a row of impatient people honking the entire time.

“I am, yes.” She smiles kindly towards the blonde, which Clarke surprisingly returns.

 _She should smile more_.

Lexa ignores her thoughts as she watches the blonde next to her.

“I think you are doing better than all the other teachers.” Clarke only says, returning to look outside, where it just started to rain.

It creates a strange, cosy atmosphere and Lexa relaxes more as well, leaning into her chair as she rests her hand on her thigh.

“What makes you say that?”

“You are just more involved than the others. Could be your age.” Shrugging, the blonde clearly feels more relaxed and confident. She stares outside, but a small grin is playing on her lips.

“My age?” Lexa can’t help but let out a small chuckle, making Clarke look at her.

“You’re not that old, are you?”

“I’m twenty-nine.”

“My point exactly.” Clarke now lets out a small noise that Lexa recognises as a laugh, making her smile instantly.

She ignores the warmth spreading through her chest as her eyes meet blue ones. They look at each other for a few moments, both smiling, when Lexa turns away.

“I’ll take it as a compliment.”

“You really should.”

Lexa notices how husky Clarke’s voice truly is. 

She catches the blonde staring at her multiple times. She doesn’t notice her heart racing every time her eyes catch Clarke’s.

“Turn left there.” Clarke mumbles, seeming to be buried in her own train of thoughts. Lexa doesn’t mind the silence.

Lexa can tell by the way that Clarke returns to her emotional shell that they are close to her home.

“It’s right over there.” The blonde points to a house. Lexa realises that the blonde doesn’t live too far away from herself.

“Alright. Have a good weekend, Clarke.” Lexa smiles, keeping the engine running as the blonde steps out.

Before Clarke closes the door, she leans down to look at the teacher.

“Thank you, Lexa.” She says, smiling lightly.

“You’re welcome.”

Lexa watches Clarke walk inside the house. When she is in there safely, she drives off, into the night.

She can’t help but notice that Clarke’s subtle perfume is still lingering in the interior of her car.

\\\

It starts to feel like a regular thing that Lexa finds Clarke sitting on the sidewalk in the cold.

Today is nothing different from that. It is only a week after Lexa found Clarke for the first time, taking her home safely.

This time, Lexa keeps her jacket on as she approaches the blonde gently, not wanting to startle her.

She has noticed Clarke’s rebellious behaviour fading more into sadness – she kept quiet during classes, never came late again but early instead.

Lexa hasn’t spoken to her since last week, but she can’t help but worry when she sees the student tucked tightly into her jacket, only her nose appearing above the collar.

“Clarke.” Lexa smiles, sitting down beside Clarke again.

“Lexa.” Clarke simply says, glancing beside her shortly. She retreats quickly though, but not before Lexa can see that she has obviously been crying.

“What is going on?” Lexa keeps her voice as soft and gentle as possible, hoping that the blonde might open up to her. Maybe she can help.

“Nothing.”

“Yet I keep finding you here.” The brunette bounces back as she stretches her legs, her heels resting on the asphalt of the parking lot. She tucks her hands deep into her pockets, hating how cold it is already.

“My mother was supposed to pick me up again.” Clarke mutters, refusing to look at Lexa.

Here Lexa thought that maybe they had broken the ice the week before, but Clarke only seems more closed off then before, more hesitant.

“Why don’t you take the bus?”

“Because she cut me off. I don’t have access to money.” Clarke stands up, taking her bag with her. “Look, I don’t need your pity, okay? I’ll just walk home.”

Lexa is quick to stand up as well, stepping close only to wrap her fingers around Clarke’s wrist shortly.

It startles the blonde, making her stop in her tracks. Lexa realises that she might have just crossed a line, pulling her fingers back as if she had just touched fire.

“I’m not pitying you, Clarke.”

“Then why are you looking at me like that?” the blonde spits, her blue eyes filled with a certain fire that Lexa has never seen before.

“Like what?” Lexa crosses her arms in front of her chest, waiting as the blonde returns her snapping.

“I don’t know. Like _that_.” The blonde shrugs angrily, biting her lips as her nostrils flare dangerously.

Lexa can easily tell that the blonde is pissed off and she doesn’t understand why she resists so much.

“I want to help you, Clarke.”

“Well, I don’t need help.”

“Clearly.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Clarke balls her fists and Lexa might think she overstepped, but maybe this is exactly what the blonde needs.

Lexa softens, letting the fight drain out of her veins.

“I am just saying that you can’t just keep sitting on the pavement, waiting for your mother when you clearly know that she isn’t going to show up.”

“You know nothing about my mother.” Clarke spits, but Lexa can tell that the blonde is on the brink of crying again.

Instead of speaking more, Lexa reaches out with one arm, but drops it again when Clarke falls back onto the pavement, her face in her hands as she sobs.

Lexa squats down next to her, her heart aching for the girl. She invades the student’s personal space when she settles on the pavement next to Clarke, one arm around the blonde’s shoulder, pulling her close as she is watching over the street.

Lexa had expected resistance. She had expected that Clarke would push her away – instead, the blonde only leans in, shuddering as she cries.

Her head on Lexa’s shoulder, the brunette holds her as tight as she possibly can.

She has no idea what is going on with the blonde, nor with her mother, but she does know that she wants to help. She wants the girl to have a normal time during her studies – like she had, too.

Well, Lexa’s time at college hadn’t been easy either, but at least she had someone to come home to - her cousin Anya. They had been roommates in the dorms.

“Will you let me take you home?” Lexa mutters quietly, not wanting to intrude while the blonde is still sobbing lightly, her weight heavy against Lexa’s side.

“Yeah.”

They stay like that for just a few minutes, the sky turning dark again as Lexa realises how late it truly is.

“Come on.” Lexa stands up, wrapping her hands around Clarke’s arm to pull her up with her.

Clarke comes up with a big force – stumbling into Lexa as they stand, front pressed against front.

For a moment, they stay like that, both startled at the proximity, their hearts beating in their chests rapidly.

Blue searches green and Lexa swallows deeply when their eyes meet, but her face remains stoic.

They are way too close.

Lexa takes a step back, her gaze never leaving the blonde’s beautiful face.

The way that Clarke’s tears stain her face does something to Lexa’s heart. The way her eyes are twice as blue, her lips turned downward, Lexa just wishes she can take that all away.

“Let’s go.” She says, walking to her car, not even looking behind her to see if Clarke is following.

She steps into her car, starting the engine. She waits until Clarke drops herself in the passenger seat, before driving off.

She remembers the way to Clarke’s house.

“Can I ask why your mother cut you off?” Lexa asks, hoping that she doesn’t pry too much.

She keeps her eyes on the road as she drives, but she can feel Clarke’s gaze on her from time to time.

“Because we fight all the time and this is my punishment.” Clarke says, leaning her elbow on the door, staring outside as Lexa glances at her for a short minute.

Lexa doesn’t really know what to say this time. Clarke is twenty-one, she should be able to make her own choices.

She never had a mother she could fight with at that age, so she can't possibly imagine what Clarke is going through.

“How’s the boyfriend?” Clarke then asks, looking aside with a curious look in her eyes, trying to hide her sadness.

“Boyfriend?”

“Yeah, the man you were with at the club.” Clarke bites her lips, looking away quickly, making Lexa wonder what she thinks.

“He’s not my boyfriend.”

“But you said th-”

“I know what I said, Clarke.” A small chuckle escapes Lexa’s mouth. “He is not my boyfriend.”

“Are you single?”

“Since when are you asking me those things?”

“Since you asked me about my mother.” Clarke smiles - clearly distracted from what has been bothering her.

She is clever, Lexa has to give her that.

Only because she is right, Lexa goes with it with a sigh. “If you must know, yes, I’m single.”

She glances beside her again, meeting blue eyes.

They are filled with something that Lexa thinks is relief, but she isn’t sure in the darkness of the car. She must be seeing things.

She quickly returns her eyes to the road, not wanting to get herself distracted.

They remain silent, even though Lexa is dying to ask Clarke the same thing, if she is single. She doesn’t wonder _why_ she wants to know this.

\\\

The weekend goes by fast again – Lexa spends time with Anya, Lincoln and Echo at Arkadia, chatting and drinking.

She has missed it. For too long, she has only been focussing on her career, but now she feels like she can breathe again.

Maybe it is also because her job is giving her the happiness that she needs, her co-workers that she has grown to love already.

She spends a lot of time with them during breaks and lunch, joking around with Niylah, Ryder and Nyko mostly.

Sometimes Gaia joins them as well, but Lexa notices how serious the woman is, and how everybody holds in when she is around.

She wonders why they do that.

But when Monday rolls in again, and Lexa is making her way over to the school, she sighs happily.

She easily walks to her lecture room, already sitting behind the desk way too early.

She likes to prepare herself for the day, reminding again what she has planned. The tests are coming up soon – it’s only half a month away and she is preparing all her students for that, giving them related assignments and giving lectures about it.

She just hopes that they listen enough and that they understand it. As the first students begin to walk in, Lexa turns on the digital board for her slideshow.

The juniors are calm today, and Lexa doesn’t mind that they are all pretty silent. It is an easy way to start her week.

When lunch comes, she quickly makes her way over to the staffs mess hall, joining Nyko as she takes the lunch out of her bag.

“So the tests are coming up soon.” He chews on a sandwich loudly, making Lexa glare at him sternly before he closes his mouth promptly.

Ryder joins them too, watching how Nyko listens to a silent Lexa, laughing loudly as he sits down beside Lexa.

“Yes, tests are coming up soon.” Lexa smiles innocently, only eying the door to see if Niylah will join them, too.

She can see Costia entering the room, a smile plastered to the blonde’s face as she recognizes Lexa.

The brunette quickly turns her head away, not wanting the attention that is pointed to her.

“You don’t like Costia?” Nyko watches the whole thing with an annoying smirk on his face, only teasing Lexa.

“The problem is that she seems to like _me_.” Lexa only says, quickly taking a bite of her salad.

Ryder only laughs again, seeming to be truly amused by it all.

“She certainly seems to like you. She is glancing at you every minute.” Niylah shows up suddenly, smiling as well as she sits down next to Nyko, who is biting his lips in order not to laugh too loudly.

“Great.” Lexa mutters, refusing to look up from her salad, only eating quickly.

“Poor Costia.” Ryder smiles.

“Look, she’s nice, but I am simply not interested.” Lexa tries to save Costia’s reputation. She has no idea if the blonde is out towards her colleagues, and she hates speaking badly about the people she works with.

The group gets the message, smiling only when they start eating in a comfortable silence. Lexa likes that they understand her hint so easily, even the men.

The rest of the lunch goes by quickly, and Lexa makes her way over to her lecture room, getting ready for her next classes.

She smiles when she sees the first students walking in, greeting Lexa happily, as if they look forward to her class.

She just hopes that that is indeed the reason they seem happy.

She looks up, just when Clarke is slipping into the class. The blonde sends a subtle smile into Lexa’s direction, which she returns gladly.

“Good afternoon everyone.” Lexa stands up from her chair, putting the glasses on top of her nose as she has a book in her hand.

“For your upcoming test, I highly recommend this book. It’s not mandatory, but it would certainly help. Now, help remind me where we were last time.”

She looks around the classroom to see if anybody has paid any attention last class on Friday.

“Yeah, chapter three.” She hears John Murphy’s voice. Murphy is Lexa’s least favourite student, but he is good and pays attention when he is not fucking around too much.

“Thank you very much, Mister Murphy.” She grins, grabbing the textbook her students are currently learning from.

She opens her slideshow, getting ready to start, when there is a small knock on the door.

“Yes?” Lexa takes off her glasses, watching how Gustus is standing in the doorway, wiggling his finger for her to join him outside of the room.

“Excuse me one moment.” Lexa makes her way over to Gustus curiously, closing the door behind her.

“Are you teaching Octavia Blake?” he asks then.

“Yes, she is currently sitting in my class.”

“I need her.”

“Why?”

“Her mother just passed away.”

Lexa’s eyes grow wide as she watches Gustus’ face turn sad. He may not know Octavia, but he does feel bad when something like this happens to a student.

“She had cancer, so it was only a matter of when.”

“I’ll go get her.” Lexa tries to keep her face stoic when she walks back inside, going up the stairs to the row behind Clarke and Octavia.

She squats behind them, gently nudging Octavia on her shoulder, earning her the attention of both girls.

“Octavia, can you come with me?” Lexa simply asks. She can see by the look on the girls’ face that she already knows what this is about. Her smile falters, tears jump in her eyes as she nods shakily, taking her things.

“Do you want me to come with you?” Clarke asks softly and Lexa is not sure if the blonde knows about the other girl’s situation.

“No, I’m good. Can you take notes for me, though?”

“Of course.”

As Lexa guides Octavia down to Gustus, she can feel Clarke’s gaze plastered on her back. She places a hand on Octavia’s shoulder as she stands with her outside of the classroom for a moment.

Just when Lexa is about to go back inside, Gustus gives the girl the news, causing her to break down in tears, almost falling to the floor but Lexa is quick to catch her.

Octavia clamps onto Lexa for dear life, gripping on her shirt so tightly that Lexa is sure that her shirt will be ruined, but she does not care.

“You take her, I’ll take care of your class .” Gustus smiles sadly, opening the door to the classroom again.

Lexa can see Clarke eying them from her seat, a worried look on her face as Lexa tries to throw her a reassuring smile, but she fails with the sobbing girl in her arms.

Octavia does not let go as Lexa guides her to Gustus’ office, where they can have a quiet moment.

“My brother.” She sobs, shaking heavily as Lexa makes their way through the almost empty hallways. “Does he know?”

“I don’t know, Octavia.” Lexa’s arm is wrapped tightly around the girls shoulders, opening the door to the office. She places Octavia in her seat, turning to grab a glass of water as she watches the girl break down completely.

“I need Bellamy.” She cries, and Lexa has trouble to hold her own tears back. She always has a weak spot for people crying, especially in a situation that Lexa is all too familiar with herself.

She squats down in front of the girl, one hand on Octavia's knee as she offers her the water with her other hand.

“Thank you.” Octavia breathes, her eyes glassy and teary, her face wet with tears.

Caressing the girls knee with her thumb, Lexa reaches over to Gustus’ desk for tissues.

She manages to grab a few to hand them to Octavia.

“I am sorry for your loss, Octavia.” Lexa can only say. “I can only imagine how you must feel right now.”

It is not entirely true – Lexa knows exactly how she feels. But she knows how painful it can be if somebody is telling her when they supposedly ‘understand’.

“Thank you.” She tries to breathe, but her nose is blocked. She seems to calm down a little, but Lexa remains in her position on the ground, squatted in front of the other girl.

“Have you ever lost anyone?” Octavia then asks.

“I have.” The smile never reaches Lexa’s eyes, her hand still on the other girl’s knee.

“Who?”

“Does it really matter?”

“To me it does.” Octavia says, and Lexa wonders why she needs to know.

“I lost my parents when I was fifteen.”

“So you _do_ know how it feels.” Octavia tries to smile, but fades, her sobbing turning worse again. “I never knew my father and my mother was sick for most of my life.”

“Maybe she has found the rest she deserves now, Octavia. I hope that might comfort you in the near future.”

“I don’t know. She was only alive this long because…” sobbing, Octavia tries to stop her tears. Lexa sits up, grabbing the nearest chair only to place herself beside Octavia when the girl reaches out again.

She takes the black-haired girl in her arms easily, resting her chin on top of her head.

“She only survived because she wanted to make sure that we were okay.”

It is then, that Lexa notices Gustus and Clarke standing in the doorway. She had no idea that they were standing there, nor how _long_ they had been standing there.

She can tell that Clarke is flustered, with big eyes, and Gustus rests his big hand on the blonde’s shoulder.

Lexa sends a vague, sad smile in their direction before returning her attention to Octavia.

“Then she must have loved you very much.” Lexa mutters, holding onto the girl as tightly as possible.

“Hey.” Gustus tries to smile when he walks in, sitting down on a chair not too far from Octavia as Clarke remains in the doorframe awkwardly. “I have called Bellamy. He asked if we could take you to the hospital.”

“I can do that.” Lexa offers immediately when Octavia only grips onto her shirt tighter.

“Of course. I will make sure that your classes will be taken care of. And uh, Clarke insisted she’d come with you, Octavia. Is that alright with you?”

Nodding, Octavia looks up at the blonde in the doorway with a grateful smile, but she doesn’t let go of Lexa.

“Which hospital?” Lexa mouths to Gustus, and he smiles sadly.

“St. John’s.”

Nodding, Lexa slowly stands up.

Octavia still clings to her, holding on for dear life as she sobs quietly.

Octavia is about just as tall as Lexa, but her arm snakes around the teachers waist. Clarke joins them, walking on Octavia’s other side.

The black-haired girl grips onto both of them, and Lexa can feel how her hand is subtly touching Clarke as they walk.

She ignores the feeling, focusing on Octavia as they make their way to the parking lot.

That they get a lot of strange looks doesn’t matter to Lexa. She knows all too well what it feels like, and she also knows it is the worst if you have to go through it alone.

Lexa tucks Clarke and Octavia in the back of her car, quickly driving to the hospital that isn’t too far away.

She can hear Clarke shush the other girl, and when Lexa glances in the rear-view mirror, blue eyes are already waiting for green.

Lexa only nods, watching how Clarke holds her friend.

They silently drive to the hospital. Once there, Lexa parks the car as close to the entrance as possible.

She helps the girls out, offering her hands to both of them.

Octavia basically stumbles into her arms and the poor girl is not able to stop crying as they walk inside, Lexa locking her car.

“O!” a heavy male voice sounds, making the girl look up instantly.

“Bell!” she almost runs to him, what Lexa assumes is her brother.

The tall, darker man with longer curls, takes his sister into his arms instantly.

They stand there, hugging for a few moments while Lexa and Clarke watch them side by side, trying to give them a moment.

“I’ll take it from here.” Octavia’s brother smiles to Lexa and Clarke, nodding appreciatively.

Before the siblings turn to walk inside, Octavia turns around, only to hug the blonde tightly.

Clarke sighs into it, holding her friend while her blue eyes flutter closed. “Let me know if you need anything, O.”

“I will. Thank you, Clarke.” Octavia tries to smile, and it works better than before.

She steps aside, glancing at Lexa for a moment, doubting if she should give Lexa a hug as well.

Just when Lexa is about to say something, the girl steps into her personal space, hugging her just as tight as she had the blonde.

Lexa’s arms make their way around the other girls shoulders quickly.

“Goodluck, Octavia. I hope that you find your peace.”

“I will. Thank you.” Octavia’s smile is stronger now, with her pulling back. “I will see you when I see you.”

Before Lexa and Clarke have time to respond, Octavia turns to walk inside with her brother.

Lexa lets out a breath she didn’t know she was holding.

The two look at the siblings, making sure they get inside before they turn slowly, walking back to Lexa’s car.

They remain silent as they drop into the car.

It takes Lexa a minute before she starts the car, leaning her head back against her chair heavily, reliving the pain she once felt.

“Are you alright?” Clarke’s voice barely a whisper, Lexa looks her way.

It is then, that Lexa can feel a small tear streaming down her own cheek. “I’m fine.”

“You’re not fine.” Clarke insists.

“It is not your job to worry about me.” Lexa simply smiles, building up her walls quickly.

“I heard you say that you lost your parents.” Clarke doesn’t stop. Her face is serious, her smile barely there, but comforting.

Her blue eyes are filled with concern and Lexa wonders whatever happened that makes Clarke this worried about her.

“I did.” Lexa only nods. When Clarke knows that Lexa won’t talk more, she opens her mouth again.

“I lost my father half a year ago.” She mutters, turning her gaze to look at the entrance of the hospital. “In this hospital.”

“I hate to hear that, Clarke.” Lexa’s voice is genuine as she speaks.

“He was sick, too. What happened to your parents?” Clarke turns her head back to focus her gaze on Lexa’s face and the brunette doesn’t mind that she asks, she just hates how she _wants_ to tell the blonde.

“We were on our way to the swimming pool – it was on my birthday in July. Our car got hit by a drunk driver. I watched my parents die.” Lexa’s jaw clutches, keys dangling in her hand, that’s leaning on her thigh as she stares outside.

“I’m sorry.” Clarke whispers.

“We have all lost people, Clarke.” Lexa simply says, not speaking about it anymore. The blonde gets the message, she stops talking as Lexa starts her car, driving back to campus.

“Did you have any other classes today or should I give you a ride home?” Lexa breaks the silence.

“My stuff is still there, so campus will be fine.” The blonde sounds lightly annoyed and Lexa has no idea what she has done to make Clarke feel that way.

She turns on the radio a little bit more, getting lost in thought as she mindlessly drives back to campus.

“Why is it that you ask me all these things but when I ask you something you will barely reply?”

The question comes just as much as a surprise as Clarke’s face with it. The blonde doesn’t seem angry, but there is some kind of frustration mixed with strange kindness that Lexa hasn’t seen before – it catches her off guard.

Her eyes back on the road, Lexa thinks for a short moment.

“Because I am your teacher.”

“Does that mean you can’t share anything with me?” the blonde seems more interested than judging and Lexa marvels on why she is asking this.

“It means that I don’t want to.” Lexa says truthfully. “There is a line, Clarke, that I don’t want to cross.”

“Haven’t you crossed it already?”

“I try not to.”

“What is the line, then?” Clarke keeps going and Lexa hates how she has put herself in this position.

“I don’t know, Clarke.”

Lexa purses her lips, her look as stoic as possible as she tries to hold in everything that is frustrating her in this moment.

But she doesn’t even know why she is on edge the way she is, so frustrated and about to explode, as if her feelings have been stuck inside of her forever and now they want to come out.

But she doesn’t know what her feelings mean. She doesn’t know why she has them when she’s around Clarke, but she does know that it’s wrong.

She does know that this could turn ugly and she knows she needs to end this _thing_ , whatever it is that she and Clarke are doing.

“Look, Clarke, I like you. Maybe in another universe we could have been _friends_ , but I am your teacher, and I shouldn’t have been as unprofessional as I was the past few weeks.”

“Too bad.” Clarke sounds genuinely disappointed.

“Why?”

“Because I like you, too.”

\\\

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please, let me know what you think. this is all i have so far.
> 
> might edit a bit later.


	3. the holidays

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> little time jumps.
> 
> emotional breakdowns, heavy conversations and a new year. sounds great, right? lots of things happening this chapter. next chapter will be more... relaxed.

\\\

Lexa has been keeping her distance. She knows she should, so she does.

She hasn’t been avoiding Clarke, but she has been holding back when she wanted to reach out.

She despises herself for even _wanting_ to reach out in the first place.

She hates how they walk past each other in the hallways, how Clarke smiles at her and she can’t help herself when she smiles back, her green eyes locked to blue.

During classes, she can tell that Clarke is watching every move that Lexa is making, and she isn’t sure how to feel about it all.

There is a small piece of her that misses the blonde, but she buries that thought so quickly she forgets it was even there at all.

It is more than overwhelming, in a bad way.

Lexa stops finding Clarke in the parking lot. She is not sure if the blonde is truly being picked up by her mother or that she has her own money back so she can take the bus.

 _Or_ , that Lexa isn’t looking anymore, quickly jumping into her car before she can even look around.

Lexa doesn’t mind. She needs the space. She needs time to think.

She is sitting at Arkadia, toying with a beer in her hand.

“Something on your mind?” Echo smirks as the two of them sit across from each other in their booth.

“Yes.” Lexa smiles sadly, drinking from her beer quickly.

“Do you want to talk about it?” the other girl smiles kindly when she sees that something is clearly bothering Lexa.

“Nope.”

“Alright then.” Echo laughs.

It’s true – Lexa doesn’t want to talk about it. She is too busy with thinking about what the fuck is happening to her.

She used to be professional, she used to be stoic and distant towards the people she knew she shouldn’t get close to.

But lately, all she can think about is a certain blonde and she has no fucking clue why. It confuses her. She doesn't even _know_ the student.

She has no idea why she is searching those blue eyes every time she glances into her classroom.

She doesn’t understand why she has to keep smiling whenever she spots her in the school.

It bothers her.

It bothers her that she thinks of Clarke when she is home, when she is with her friends or co-workers.

She hates that she thinks of Clarke when she is alone.

She shouldn’t.

“You need a distraction.” Echo grins, sending a wink into Lexa’s direction.

Maybe Echo is right. Maybe she does.

“Want to go to the Ark?” Lexa proposes. She wants to get drunk. She wants to forget it all and just… have fun.

“Absolutely.” Echo already slides out of the booth, papers of cash whirling on the table as the two women hurry out of the bar, on their way to the club.

They walk side by side, their arms hooked together.

“You really don’t want to talk about it?” Echo tries again and Lexa is grateful for her being so supportive, but she shakes her head anyway.

“It’s only better if I forget.” The brunette smiles, already zipping open her jacket as they enter the Ark, the bouncer letting them in as usual.

They hang up their jackets at the wardrobe, walking to the bar as they slowly move on the beat of the incredibly loud music.

They down a few shots, until the both of them are drunk enough to dance. Echo takes Lexa’s hand in her own, guiding her to the dancefloor as she sways her hips seductively.

Lexa only grins as she follows the other girl. Echo spins quickly, turning around to lock her hips with Lexa’s.

Her dirty blonde hair bounces around her shoulders as she dances smoothly against Lexa.

They have done this countless of times and Lexa is grateful for the distraction, the way her head is buzzing and all she knows is the music and the warm, comfortable body against her own.

The brunette leans her forearms on Echo’s shoulders, the other girl snakes her arms around Lexa’s waist, holding her close as they dance in sync.

It is then, that Echo leans in to capture Lexa’s lips hungrily.

The brunette lets her in, tongues fighting as they move clumsily to the beat, but Lexa doesn’t care.

She _needs_ for Echo to touch her, she _needs_ her to kiss her like her life depends on it.

It’s like Echo senses what Lexa wants, turning the kiss heated as possible, bruising their lips, making them gasp for breath as they pull back only to change angle.

“Restroom.” Lexa demands with a dangerously low voice, already pushing the other girl towards the restrooms.

They never disconnect, earning them several whistles from people around them but neither of them notices.

“Okay, we need to calm down.” Lexa finally pulls back laughingly as she stumbles over her own feet, slurring more than she would have expected – clearly more intoxicated than she felt like before.

Echo just giggles, guiding the other girl to the restrooms.

Lexa tries to lock the door behind them when they find it empty, but she fails miserably.

Instead, Echo pins the brunette against the door harshly, her back slamming against it, knocking the oxygen out of her lungs.

Strangely enough, it turns her on only more, pulling Echo in for a heated, open-mouthed kiss. Lexa can’t help herself when she moans into it.

“Fuck, Lexa.” Echo groans deeply, locking her hips with Lexa’s.

The brunette lifts her leg ever so slightly, making Echo grind into it heavily.

Both women fail to hear the toilet flush, the door from a stall opening as they make out intensely.

“Wow.”

They are startled, breaking them apart as quick as possible, Echo stumbling back while Lexa runs her hand over her bruised lips, trying to dry them, looking into the restroom with shocked eyes.

She meets familiar blue eyes, wide in shock as the person recognizes her.

“Lexa.”

“Clarke.” Lexa breathes, trying to compose herself. Her hair is loosely draped around her face and she knows that her curls are probably a mess, because a moment ago, Echo’s hands were roughly tangled into it.

Clarke lets out a small chuckle, but Lexa can tell -even through her drunkenness- that it never reaches her eyes.

Why does she keep running into the blonde at very, _very_ inconvenient times?

Not that the last time they met here was inconvenient, but Lexa was intoxicated then and she sure as hell is now.

And today, she was making out shamelessly with Echo. Lexa realises that she is only glad that Clarke didn’t wait any longer to get out of the stall.

“I’m sorry, Clarke.”

Echo just looks confused between the two women. “Who the fuck are you?” she raises her eyebrows, sounding ruder than she actually means to.

“Clarke is my student, Echo.” Lexa tries to explain, trying to hold her face as composed as possible as she realises how awkward this is.

“So much for professionalism.” Clarke chuckles again, before walking past Echo and Lexa to make her way out of the bathroom.

“Wait!” Lexa calls impulsively, but she has no idea why.

Clarke looks back at her expectantly, and now that she is closer, Lexa thinks she might see a little disappointment in the girls eyes, but she isn’t sure. She is intoxicated after all.

“Yeah?”

At a loss for words, the brunette shakes her head. “Never mind.”

Once the blonde leaves, Lexa leans her back and head against the closed door, shutting her eyes for a short moment.

“Really, Lexa? A student?” Echo laughs, but Lexa isn’t sure if the girl finds it even remotely funny.

“Well, she is twenty-one, so she is allowed to come here.” Lexa reasons, shrugging it off.

“No, I mean her. I mean that _she_ is the thing bothering you.” Echo rolls her eyes as if it’s been this obvious all the time.

“What?” Lexa snaps her eyes into Echo’s direction.

“The girl. Clarke. You like her, don’t you?”

“What the fuck?” Lexa bites her lips in frustration.

“Oh, come on. I am not blind.” Echo only smiles.

“She’s a student, Echo.” Lexa mutters, walking to look at herself in the mirror, trying to fix her hair.

“You might be stoic like me, but once you feel something it is written all over your face. At least when you are drunk and around me.”

“What are you implying?”

“You like her.” Echo simply says, like that explains it all, an amused smug look on her face that Lexa wishes she could wipe off.

“Of course I like her, she is smart, and kind and I have spoken to her a few times.”

“Not just that, Lexa. You _like_ her.”

“What? That is ridiculous.” Lexa turns on her heels, her eyes darkening with exasperation as she looks at the other girl.

“It’s obvious, really. But don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone, and I will still sleep with you if you want to.” Echo smiles comforting, but Lexa misses it.

Her hands are balled into fists, her lips pressed into a thin line as her minds works hard to think back.

Is Echo right? Does she _like_ Clarke? She couldn’t, she barely knows the girl. She barely knows anything about her.

“I- I don’t know.”

“Relax, Lex.” Echo walks up to her friend, taking her in her arms for a short, but comforting hug. “I am sure that you will figure it out.”

“There is nothing to figure out.” Lexa simply says, pulling back as her jaw clenches. “We do need to find another club. I can’t keep running into my student while I am drunk and trying to have fun.”

“Trying to fuck women in the restroom, you mean.” Echo laughs, earning her a teasing slap from the brunette.

“Let’s go to my place.”

“Sure thing, sugar.”

All Lexa hears is Echo’s loud laughter as they walk through the club, on their way home.

\\\

Now, Lexa is avoiding Clarke actively. She can’t have more of those strange _feelings_ , feelings that she can’t quite identify.

Of course she cares, she cares about every student. But Clarke is roughly the only student that Lexa has ever had such a personal conversation with. Clarke is the only one that Lexa cares _more_ about, for some strange reason.

And she has no idea what that is. Maybe it is because she can relate to the blonde, maybe it is because she knows enough for her to worry about her wellbeing.

Maybe it's the mystery around the blonde that just pulls Lexa in.

But she doesn’t know. Doesn’t know what it all means.

Until she does, she thinks it is only better if she doesn’t speak to her anymore.

She doesn’t make eye contact anymore when she teaches Clarke’s class, she avoids the middle of the room where she knows the blonde will be watching her from.

Octavia is also back, more eager to learn than ever before and Lexa hopes that the girl doesn’t work too hard.

And just like that, the weeks go by quickly. Lexa tries to distract herself as much as possible, always finding to do something. She works late, going over papers, schedules again and again.

She meets with Nyko, Ryder and Niylah, with Lincoln, Anya and Echo.

Echo in particular. The other girl has been practically living at Lexa’s place for the past week and the teacher doesn’t mind at all.

It an excellent distraction.

She parks her car as far away as possible from the place where she first parked it, lately – just in case Clarke might sit on the pavement again.

Lexa is still avoiding the blonde, and she thinks she is doing a great job at it.

Lexa only remains stoic whenever Clarke asks a question during lectures, or when the blonde tries to make contact after class at Lexa’s desk.

She hopes the blonde gives up doing that, but she hasn’t so far, and Lexa can’t help but feel bad about being so distant, especially because she has helped Clarke before.

And so, December rolls in.

The teacher is simply grateful that the Holidays will be here soon, giving her two weeks away from Clarke.

Two weeks of peace and quiet, time to think and work on herself.

Lexa walks into the teachers canteen before going home to celebrate her time off.

“Wanna grab some drinks to toast to the Holidays?” An unexpected voice turns up, startling Lexa lightly.

She turns around and meets Nyko with a teasing smile on his face.

“Absolutely.” Lexa smiles back at him, looking behind him to see if Ryder and Niylah will be joining.

“Oh, they already left for the bar. They asked me if I wanted to find you.”

“Well, you did. Let’s go.”

Chatting happily, Lexa and Nyko make their way over to the bar across campus, a small walk that takes a little over five minutes.

“So what are you doing for the Holidays?” Nyko asks kindly, wrapping a scarf around his neck because it is fucking freezing.

“Oh, I am going to celebrate with my cousin and her boyfriend, and another friend.” Lexa laughs at the vagueness of her reply, but Nyko nods understandingly.

“If you ever get bored, feel free to text us. We are up for anything as long as it involves alcohol.” He laughs heartedly. “We have a group chat with the three of us, give me your number and I will add you.”

“Sure.” Lexa gives him her number as they walk, chatting lightly when they finally enter the bar.

“There they are!” Lexa can already hear Ryder’s voice, enthusiastically as always.

Lexa smiles, sliding into the booth across from the man, greeting Niylah next to him.

“I already ordered for you.” Niylah smiles.

As soon as Lexa and Nyko have their glasses, they raise them. “To the holidays!” they yell gently, smiling as the bump their glasses together, toasting on their vacation.

“I already asked for Lexa’s number, so maybe we can meet sometime during our free time.” Nyko smiles widely.

“Oh, yes, I would love that.” Niylah grins happily, just a little bit of foam on her upper lip, left from the sip she just took from her beer.

Ryder only laughs at her, and the girl wipes it away with an intimidating glare.

“Nice try, darling, but never as intimidating as Lexa’s glare.” He laughs amusedly, earning him a chuckle from Nyko as well.

“What?!” offended, Niylah leans back, taking another sip from her beer as she sends a wink in Lexa’s direction.

Lexa watches them interact with a satisfied smirk, a beer in her hand as she sips from it every now and then.

“Yeah, Lexa. Show us the intimidating glare again.” Nyko laughs.

“I can only do that, when somebody is chewing annoyingly loud.” The brunette snorts, bumping her shoulder with Nyko’s teasingly.

That has Niylah bursting out in laughter, trying to hide it behind her hand, but Nyko sends her a mocking glare.

“Yeah, keep practicing.” Ryder throws a chuckle in Nyko’s direction.

Oh, how Lexa enjoys these moments. She really has grown close to them – not too close but just close enough to be casual friends that share a workplace.

She does find herself wondering what it would be like if they would get closer, but she knows that all of them are distant enough for them not to let their personal lives get in the way of their professional ones.

They spend another hour at the bar, laughing and chatting, before they all say goodbye for the time being.

The darkness of the night has covered the city, icy rain pouring down as Lexa runs to her car.

She hurries so much, that she drops her bag along the way.

Grumbling something to herself, she turns around to pick up her things from the ground, but she stops in her tracks unexpectedly when green eyes meet blue.

Looking at Clarke, Lexa’s heartbeat feels oddly powerful in her chest, and she sighs deeply, closing her eyes before her she gets lost again in those blue orbs.

“You have been avoiding me.” Clarke simply states, squatting down to clean up the mess on the rainy street, not seeming to care that she is soaked to the skin.

Lexa gives up shielding herself from the rain, feeling the cold liquid seep through her open jacket. She is long past caring about that.

She squats down, too, helping Clarke pick up the wet papers that are probably ruined completely. She can feel the raindrops slide down her face, into her neck and she shivers.

“I have.” She admits, causing Clarke to look at her in surprise. She probably hadn’t expected Lexa to be honest about it.

“Have I done something wrong?” the blonde says, her eyes bright blue, her face drizzly, her hair drenched, making her look extra vulnerable.

Her insecurity makes Lexa smile as she grabs the last few things from the ground, standing up to put it back in her briefcase.

“You have not, Clarke.”

“Then what is it?” the blonde keeps standing there, not caring about the rain.

“Please, let me take you home. It’s cold, don’t want you to get sick.”

Without a word, Clarke already makes her way over to Lexa’s car.

The brunette waits a few seconds before she walks behind the other girl, sighing deeply as she prepares for yet another personal conversation with the blonde.

She throws her bag and jacket in the back, hurrying to step behind the wheel.

What she fails to notice, is that her silk blouse is soaked. Clarke’s eyes widen lightly, looking down at Lexa’s chest.

When the brunette looks down, she grunts to herself when she notices that the blonde can now see her white, lacy bra.

“Well, fuck this.” Lexa mutters. What she doesn’t expect is Clarke to laugh.

It is the very first time that the blonde is laughing heartedly.

Lexa hasn’t been able to ignore the odd fluttering in her chest that has irritated her throughout her interactions with Clarke today.

But the students face falls when Lexa starts to drive slowly, wanting to be careful in the pouring rain.

She unties her professional updo, her long, dark curls falling around her shoulders. She shivers, turning up the heat in the car as she drives.

“Why do we always end up here?” Lexa grumbles, hating how Clarke is in her car again, even though she swore to herself she’d never take the blonde home again.

“You have been avoiding my question.” Clarke says softly, her gaze focused on the brunette next to her.

“I have been avoiding you because I shouldn’t get involved with my students, Clarke.” Lexa simply says, her voice lower than usual. She is frustrated. With herself, with the entire situation. How she got wrapped up in this so badly so soon, how she thought that the distance did her well for the past few weeks, but Clarke still has the same pull on her.

And she still, has no idea what it means.

“Are you? Involved?”

“I care, Clarke. Once I know certain things about people, I care.”

“That doesn’t seem like a bad thing to me.” The blonde confesses, making Lexa glance her way shortly as she drives through the city.

“It is when you are my student, Clarke. I can only care… limitedly.”

“Right.” Staring outside, the blonde looks adorable with her hair all soaked, her blue eyes gazing into nothing.

Shaking her head to herself, Lexa groans internally.

The rest of the ride is silent, the music of the radio distracting the brunette.

Once she arrives at the blonde’s house, she still doesn’t speak.

“So I guess this was our last ride, then.” Clarke mutters, staring at the front door of her house.

“Yes, Clarke, it was.”

The blonde doesn’t move, instead focusing her eyes on Lexa’s face.

“So, uhm… I’ll see you.” She mumbles, to which Lexa only nods.

“I will see you. Enjoy the holidays, Clarke.” The brunette’s voice is softer than ever.

“I probably won’t, but thank you.” Clarke turns away, opening the door to walk into the pouring rain.

The door slams behind her and Lexa stares at her, walking slowly in the pouring rain, lightly slouched.

Lexa tries to think of why the blonde doesn’t look forward to the holidays, but she thinks it might have something to do with her father’s death and her restrained relationship with her mother.

Lexa hates how she wants to run after her.

\\\

“Merry Christmas!” Anya calls loudly, stumbling into Lexa’s apartment with way too much noise for the brunette’s liking.

The blonde woman is carrying many gift-wrapped boxes, her boyfriend behind her with an amused smile on his face.

Echo and Lexa sit on the brunette’s couch, both a wine glass in their hands as they stand up to greet their friends.

Together, they are going to celebrate Christmas eve.

Anya roughly drops the gifts somewhere near Lexa’s small Christmas tree, standing in front of it to judge it.

“This is a poor choice of a tree, Lexa.” The blonde laughs, walking towards her cousin to give her a brief hug.

“Shut it, Ahn.” The brunette grins, hugging Lincoln after her cousin.

She has traditional Christmas music playing in the background as Lexa’s friends sit down in Lexa’s living room.

She grabs the newcomers a glass of wine before joining them.

“So, how did all the cooking go?” Lincoln glances at Lexa’s kitchen, but the brunette only laughs.

“You really think I’d cook for us again?”

“Actually, I did.” Anya nips on her wine, sending an amusing glare in Echo’s direction, who only shrugs.

“I ordered.”

“What, like pizza? Isn’t that a little poor on Christmas eve?” Anya continues to laugh.

“No, actually, I ordered from this catering company. The food they have looks really nice and they had excellent reviews.”

“You are truly the laziest person that I know.”

“Just that I don’t know how to cook doesn’t mean that I am lazy.” Lexa bounces back, earning her a chuckle from Echo.

It is true – Lexa has tried cooking before on Christmas, for her friends.

She burned most of the food, leaving them with no choice but to order something simple, something that was available during Christmas.

But now, she has ordered a five course menu for each one of them, already having the table ready for the food and the drinks.

It is in that exact moment, that the doorbell rings.

“There it is!” Lexa jumps up excitedly, opening her door, letting the caterers in, carrying many boxes of food.

“You can put it on the counter.” Lexa shows them. She pays after they are done, wishing them a Merry Christmas before they leave.

“Come on.” She motions for her friends to join her, setting the food on the table, from salads to bread, from expensive looking chicken to even salmon.

“Well, let’s all just agree that we will do this every year.” Echo laughs as she sits down beside Lexa, facing the other two across the table.

And that is how they spend their Christmas Eve. Drinking expensive wine, eating fancy food as they joke around.

Lexa can feel how happy she is with her friends. This is her family. Her own parents are gone, just like Anya’s. They have no other cousins or grandparents, it is really just the two of them.

But the brunette doesn’t mind at all, not anymore, when she glances around the table, watching how Echo almost stumbles from her chair of laughter when Lincoln and Anya are bickering about something totally irrelevant.

She only has an amused smile on her face, rolling up the sleeves of her black button up as she leans back in her chair.

The table is now mostly empty – they have eaten it all.

“I am so fucking full.” Lincoln groans, stretching in his chair. “Time for a movie!”

“Yes!”

The four of them leave the table as it is, Lexa taking a new bottle of wine to her living room as she drops in the middle of her couch, Echo on one side and Lincoln and the other. Anya stands there, pouting, a little tipsy.

She forces herself between Lexa and Lincoln, making the four of them giggle like drunken teenagers.

As Lexa scrolls through Netflix to find a cheesy Christmas movie, a wine in her hand, she props up her feet on the coffee table, setting an example for the rest.

They all lean against each other heavily, sighing with their stomach filled as they drink their wine.

At some point during the movie, Lexa notices Anya and Lincoln drift off to sleep, the two of them cuddling in the corner of her couch.

A drink later, Lexa isn't at all that surprised at the feeling of a hand on her thigh, moving up slowly, spreading warmth right into her core.

When she glances aside, meeting Echo’s lust-filled eyes, she knows that her friend is not going anywhere after tonight.

“Stop.” Lexa giggles softly when she can feel Anya shuffle beside her. The brunette wraps her fingers around Echo’s wrist as the other girl doesn’t listen, only looking at Lexa with a satisfied smirk on her face.

“You are annoying.”

“You love me.” Echo bounces back, making Lexa roll her eyes.

“Sometimes.”

\\\

She spends her New Years Eve strangely enough with both her friends as her colleagues. Somehow, they ran into each other and never really parted, having an amazing time together.

Lincoln seems to get along with Ryder and Nyko quite well, and Lexa notices how Echo and Niylah pull towards each other during the entire night at the new bar downtown.

They are all at least tipsy, if not drunk, but Lexa would be lying if she’d say that she has never had a better New Years Eve.

They dance, they drink, and they talk, a lot. Lexa learns that Niylah and Nyko are both gay, that Ryder used to be married and has two kids that his ex-wife won’t let him see.

And Lexa comes out to them, as well. She feels safe around them, not minding at all that they would know such detail about her.

Niylah only seems surprised, but smiles, nonetheless.

It isn’t strange, being with the 6 of them, but very content.

Just when the last minute of the year starts, the group walks outside. It is strangely enough snowy, the roads empty from cars, but many people on the street as they are ready to watch all the fireworks.

Lexa notices how Echo moves into her personal space, snaking a casual arm around her waist as they count down.

“I am going to kiss you at midnight, okay?” Echo laughs teasingly and Lexa strangely enough doesn’t mind. “I am going to kiss them all.”

“I would like to see you try.” Lexa snickers, her world spinning lightly due to all of the alcohol.

The group stands on the sidewalk, next to each other as they embrace the person next to them.

“FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE! HAPPY NEW YEAR!” the group jumps up happily, Echo pecking Lexa’s lips quickly, before the girl moves to peck everybody else, making them laugh like idiots.

They laugh, hug and peck each other’s lips so brief that it barely happens, almost all of them, too drunk to even care. Lexa can’t help but feel warm, happy.

But even despite that she is perfectly content with her situation, her thoughts wonder off to Clarke.

She shakes it off quickly, focussing on the people around her as they stand close, watching the fireworks show in the city.

The snow is falling and Lexa shivers, only pulling Anya and Echo into her sides.

“I love you, guys.” Lexa murmurs happily, sighing when she can feel her family lean into her.

A few more drunken ‘I love you’s’ sound through the darkness, lit by the fireworks and the poor streetlights. They stand outside just for a few more minutes before moving back inside to their round booth, ordering snacks and more drinks.

“This is probably the best new years I’ve ever had.” Lincoln laughs, his arm wrapped around Anya’s shoulder as he kisses her happily.

Lexa smiles. She wants what they have.

 _One day_.

“Lexa, how come you haven’t introduced us to your friends before? They are amazing.” Niylah only smiles, her eyes sparkling as they find Lexa’s.

“If I would’ve known that they would’ve behaved like they did, I would’ve invited them long ago.” The brunette giggles, earning her a small punch from Echo.

“I think we misbehaved more than them.” Ryder laughs, his big beard bouncing funnily, only making Lexa giggle more.

She is drunk, she knows. But she doesn’t care.

She is just grateful that this year seems to be filled with warmth when last year, Lexa was working so much that she even forgot it was New Years Eve.

But she has changed – she knows this.

She has been caring more about the people around her. She has set different priorities and she actually loves her job for the first time in her life.

It is not that she never loved being an architect, but it was just not for her. Teaching, however, is something that Lexa loves to the core.

She glances around the group as they all seem to talk together, when she catches Nyko’s gaze.

He smiles at her, and Lexa smiles right back. She is grateful for every single person at this table. They are all incredibly kind, having their own place in Lexa’s heart.

She just prays that it will stay like this, over the years.

“What’s on your mind, Woods?” Anya leans in, smirking when she notices Lexa gazing around the group.

“Just… I am happy, I guess.” Lexa smirks.

“I have never heard you say that before, do you know this?” Anya laughs, but Lexa can tell that she cares. “You’ve changed the past few months.”

“That bad?”

“I am happy that you are happy, Lexa. I love you.” Lexa’s cousin is drunk, but the brunette knows that she means it.

“I love you, too.”

“To family!” Echo raises her glass.

“To the new year!” Lincoln mirrors her.

“To us!”

\\\

The rest of the night is spent entirely at the bar, and when the sun rises, the group finally decides to go home.

Echo crashes at Lexa’s place, since it’s easier for her. They don’t sleep together, though.

Lexa stares up at her ceiling, not able to sleep after a long night. Her mind is elsewhere.

Flashes of blonde hair flush through her memories, making her smile without her even knowing it.

She can only wonder how Clarke is doing, feeling something strange tug in her heart, something she can’t quite explain.

Maybe she is only drunk, but her mind wanders somewhere more… imaginable.

Lexa groans internally, turning to lie on her stomach, her head buzzing as she can feel something between her legs.

She hates how horny she is, actually. She has no idea why or how, but she just is.

Sliding her own hand down her body, she flutters her eyes closed, roaming her hand over her own skin before placing it where she needs it the most.

Moaning into her pillow, she flicks her clit, already spasming at the gentle touch, her veins thrilling with desire.

Vaguely, she can imagine Clarke’s face as it was lit by the streetlights, her cheekbones accentuated by the shadows, the rain streaming down her face.

Her pink lips creating a small smile as she looked up at Lexa, her eyes so fucking blue. Her tongue gently sweeping over her bottom lip to remove any raindrops, her small fingers grazing Lexa’s as she hands her the soaked papers.

She shouldn’t. She really shouldn’t.

And the more she tells herself that, the worse it gets.

Images of Clarke in the darkness of her own room slide into Lexa’s mind.

It’s not just her imagination - Lexa can see those blue eyes, with every speck of blue and grey.

She can smell the subtle perfume from the interior of her car, she can feel Clarke’s body warmth radiating to her own.

Lying in bed, Lexa can feel the blonde close and the rush of that is as intoxicating as the alcoholic drinks from hours earlier.

“Oh, fuck.” she whispers, the feeling of want rising fast from within her. She grinds her hips into the mattress.

Clarke, peeling her clothing away, just skin and skin and skin.

Lexa buries her face into the pillow, trying to find any sense of reason. She is exhausted, tired and she wants to sleep.

It is not as if she hasn’t been having sex, but in her current state of mind, drunk as she is, she can’t hold back.

She lets herself go. She imagines the blonde on top of her, feeling the soft skin on her own, Clarke looking at her intensely, pupils blown.

She can feel Clarke’s fingers tracing her inner thigh, sending goosebumps all over Lexa’s body. Her blue eyes looking deep into Lexa’s, filled with only lust.

Lexa lets out a shaky moan, stifled by her pillow as she toys with herself.

 _Clarke_.

\\\

She curses herself when she wakes up. She remembers everything. She remembers getting off on the thought of Clarke doing her and there are so many things morally wrong with that that Lexa feels like she is about to cry.

She lies in her bed, hiding herself underneath the sheets, her eyes closed as she traces back to the night before – how could this happen?

Why the fuck does she have sexual fantasies about her student? It is wrong on too many levels.

Instead of dwelling on it more, Lexa is stern for herself. She knows that this needs to end, right now.

Her lips pursed into a thin line, she gets out of her bed to make breakfast for herself.

She finds Echo still asleep on her couch and she lets her.

There is something strange about letting Echo sleep on her couch instead of her own bed and Lexa wishes she had taken the girl to her bedroom.

Lexa can feel herself starting to harden again, to the way she was before.

She can’t be weak now. Head over heart.

It’s always been head over heart.

And so, while she makes breakfast, she builds the walls around her heart, so high as they have never been before.

“Morning.” Echo’s low, sleepy voice sounds through Lexa’s apartment, making the brunette smile just a little.

It is then, that Lexa realises that Echo is the only one who knows.

“Can I ask you something?” Lexa doesn’t even bother greeting the other girl.

“Always.” Sitting up, the other woman looks curious as she yawns, running her fingers along her eyes, trying to wake up properly.

“How are you able to put your feelings away?”

“That’s forward. And offensive.” Echo laughs, standing up to stretch her upper body, before she moves to the kitchen.

“I see it as a good thing, though.” Lexa smiles, already making a mug of coffee for her friend.

“You shouldn’t.” Echo only smiles, leaning against the kitchen counter as she looks at the brunette expectantly. “Why are you asking me this?”

“Because I need to hide my feelings. Or better yet – put them away and never look back.”

“Does this have anything to do with that Clarke girl?”

The way Lexa’s jaw clenches says more than enough for Echo.

“So you really do like her.” It is not judging, not teasing, but serious. Exactly what Lexa needs in that moment.

“I think I do. In a way that can’t be good. She is my student.” Lexa mutters, looking down at the mug she is about to kill with her tightened grip. She realises it’s the coffee she made for Echo, handing it to her.

Only in her bathrobe, Lexa leans against the counter as well, only a feet away from her friend.

“Then don’t talk to her anymore.” Echo shrugs, as if it’s the simplest thing in the world, sipping on her coffee.

“I have tried. She is everywhere.”

“What is so wrong about it, though? She is twenty-one.”

“Stop doing that. I can’t. There are strict rules about teacher-student relationships.” Lexa’s nostrils flare, and she has no idea why she is this angry.

She doesn't even know _what_ it is that she is feeling, but it is definitely more than appropriate.

“Okay. But you should know that ignoring your feelings will only make them stronger, right?”

“How do you do it then?” the brunette almost begs. She wants this to end. This _needs_ to end. Whatever the fuck ‘this’ may be.

“Look, I had a different childhood than you, Lexa. You grew up partly with the best parents in the world and I had no one from the start. From that, I learned it is only best if you don’t attach yourself to people around you, because they are going to leave you anyways.” Echo shakes her head, putting the mug on the counter as she invades the brunette’s personal space. “The trick is to be _damaged_ , Lexa. Damaged in a way that you have abandonment issues like me. You don’t have that, not like I do.”

“You’re right, but… You’re saying I can’t be distant? I was, before I started working at Polis Uni.” 

“Then perhaps you should consider working elsewhere.” Echo says truthfully.

“What?” Lexa’s eyes grow wide, her jaw almost dropping. Not once has she considered to leave her new job. “But I love my job.”

“I know, Lexa. I also know that once you care about somebody, you care deeply. Your relationship with me, Anya and Lincoln prove that for me. I think that Polis University has changed you for good reasons, love.” Echo only smiles. “I think it is okay for you to _feel_ something, because I remember you not being happy before you started your new job.”

“I… really?” Lexa still looks surprised when she looks into Echo’s kind, brown eyes.

“Yes. I am not saying you should pursue Clarke. I am saying that you should let yourself feel. It makes you glow.”

“It does?” Lexa can feel her recently built walls tear down in less than a second.

“Stop asking me questions.”

“Stop telling me questionable things then.” Lexa laughs, but it fades quickly when she looks at her hands.

“It’s simply the truth, Lexa. Everybody can see how you… bloomed.”

“You are such a sap, you know that?” Lexa laughs, trying to shake the heavy conversation off her shoulders.

“Come here.” Echo extends her arms, indicating that Lexa has to hug her.

She does.

It is one of the few times that they have hugged, and Lexa had no idea how much she needed it until Echo’s arms are wrapped around her tightly.

They hug for a while there, in Lexa’s kitchen.

The brunette has never been more grateful for Echo, wondering why the hell they hadn’t conversations like this earlier.

“I’m sorry.” Lexa says, making the other woman pull back.

“For what?”

“That you were left alone your entire life.” Lexa smiles sadly, hating how little she knows about her friend.

“Well, I’ve got you and Anya and Lincoln.” Echo smiles back, a little reassurance for the brunette. “We’ve got each other. I might be stoic, Lexa, but you are my best friend. I want you to know you can talk to me about everything.”

“I love you, weirdo.” Lexa only laughs. She can’t explain what she is feeling right now. She is overwhelmed.

“I also think we should stop having sex.” Echo then laughs, taking her cup again, making her way to sit at the little bar that separates Lexa’s kitchen from her living room.

“Yeah, me too. But you’re gonna miss out on something there.”

Scoffing, Eco’s chuckle fades away slowly.

“You mean the other way around, _sugar_.”

Now it's Lexa's turn to laugh loudly.

\\\

The snow is gone. It's icy cold, and Lexa is glad that she put on a blazer over her turtleneck.

“Alright class, Gustus has asked me to talk to you shortly about our upcoming trip this January.” She scrapes her throat when all the freshmen have taken their seats in her lecture room.

Pushing the glasses up her nose, Lexa looks at the papers she has received from Gustus. It’s a planning of the trip to Chicago that will happen in about three weeks – the one where she and Nyko will be the accompanying teachers.

“You have one week left to sign up for the trip. We will have a separate meeting a week before we go. In that meeting we will discuss the specifics and your assignment while you are there.”

Lexa smirks when she can hear the students sigh the moment they hear the word ‘assignment’.

“That’s the spirit.” The teacher laughs, taking off her glasses. “As you know, Nyko and I will be joining you on the trip. We will take the bus, overnight at a local motel somewhere in Des Moines, Iowa. Yes, Mister Murphy?”

Lexa looks at her student expectantly as she notices the boy raising his hand.

“Why can’t we just take an airplane?” he sounds annoyed.

“Well, we simply don’t have the budget for that, Mister Murphy. If you don’t like that, you can always stay here. Speaking of – for the students who won’t be attending the trip, there will be a special assignment, which I will be explaining once we know who is coming and who’s not.”

Lexa looks around her class to see if anybody else has a question, her eyes landing shortly on Clarke in the middle, sitting next to Octavia.

The blonde seems amused, a small smile tugging on the corner of her lips. Lexa doesn’t smile back, instead, she looks for any other questions.

If she doesn’t see them, she continues with her original teachings for the day.

She catches the blonde’s gaze a few more times, but she doesn’t do anything with it.

She is too focused on teaching, too much in her element as she explains certain construction techniques.

Once the class is over, she closes her dark blazer, realising how cold she actually is.

It is only the first day after her vacation, but she feels fresh, despite the cold making her want to just crawl onto her couch with a blanket and a few candles on.

“Lexa?” a husky, familiar voice sounds and Lexa looks up from her chair.

The classroom is empty, besides Clarke. The pink tips in her hair have disappeared completely, a few strays of hair tucked behind the blonde’s ear. The brunette notices her hair is way shorter than it was before, now at shoulder length. It looks good on her. 

She is wearing a thick, woollen turtleneck that is too large for her, making her look small and adorable.

The teacher smiles up at her. “What can I do for you, Clarke?”

“Can I get a form to apply for the trip?”

“Absolutely.” Lexa swallows at the thought of Clarke attending as well, her chest filling with a strange sense of excitement. She searches on her desk, but she can’t find it. She puts on her glasses in order to see better, finding the papers eventually, handing one over to Clarke. “Is your mother okay with you coming?”

“She actually forced me to go.” Clarke bites her lips, her gaze flicking down the floor before looking into green eyes again.

“You didn’t want to go?”

“I did. I do. But she wants me out of the house, I suppose.” The blonde is giving too much information once again, but Lexa remembers what Echo told her.

Maybe she should listen to her student. Maybe she can just… be there for Clarke when her mother clearly isn’t.

“Why?”

“Since when are you interested in me again?” Clarke looks down at Lexa in surprise, her blue eyes filled with something Lexa thinks is hope.

The brunette stands up, walking towards the door of the room only to close it to give them some privacy.

“I have always been interested, Clarke. Sit down.” Lexa motions to one of the seats in the front row.

When the blonde sits, Lexa sits down as well, leaving one empty chair between them.

“Look, we may have started on the wrong foot here, Clarke, but I am your teacher. There are certain boundaries that I cannot cross, but it doesn’t mean I can’t be here for you.”

“Be there for me?”

“In case you need someone to listen.” Lexa smiles, trying to ignore how she just wants to raise her hand to tuck a few escaped strands of hair behind the blonde’s ear.

“I…” Clarke seems a little lost, but the brunette is giving her all the time she needs. She somehow has the feeling that the student just needs to get something off her chest and Lexa is willing to listen to her, maybe more than willing.

“I told you my father died recently.” Clarke starts, her eyes not meeting Lexa’s.

“You did.”

“My mother hasn’t been the same since. She has been drinking, she quit her job -she can afford it- and she forced me to get back into school.”

“You don’t want to be here?”

“I do! I just… I needed more time. I…”

Lexa watches the blonde struggle, waiting patiently for her to finish.

“I guess… after my father died, I didn’t have much time to grieve. All I did was looking after my mother as she drank herself to sleep. I was never alone, never really able to do things when I wanted to. I always worried about her.” Clarke looks like she is having trouble telling Lexa the story, but she bravely continues.

“But then she wanted me to go to school again. She told me I was a failure for leaving college before, telling me I had to become _something_. She drank only more, starting to forget to pick me up because she had fallen asleep on the couch drunk. I… She… I wanted to go to the dorms here, so I could have a little peace, but I can’t just leave her behind, not when she’s killing herself.”

Sobs escape the blonde’s mouth and Lexa can feel her heart ache. How Clarke has been able to hide all of this, is a mystery to her.

“Have you been looking out for yourself, though, even if it’s just a little?” Lexa now asks softly, not wanting to pry too much, or ask the wrong questions.

Shaking her head, Clarke looks up with watery blue eyes. “I can’t. I have to take care of my mother. The only moments I get for myself are the moments here at the school. I escape to the library and draw for hours, knowing my mother won’t show up to pick me up anyways.”

Biting her lips in frustration, Lexa wishes that there was something she could do. She can only admire the blonde for being this strong.

“I miss my father.” Breaking out in sobs again, Clarke hides her face in her hands, clearly trembling as the saddest cries fill the lecture room.

And then Lexa does something she swore she’d never do again.

She reaches out.

It is only a little, but she does it anyways. Her hand makes its way to the blonde’s shoulder, squeezing it gently, startling the blonde for a moment, before Clarke leans into the touch.

“How did you get over it? How did you get over your parents deaths?” blue eyes meet green.

“I didn’t.” Lexa simply says. “It was my birthday, my party, so my fault that they died. I never got over the pain.”

“That accident…” Clarke seems to forget her own pain just a little, her voice raw with emotions. “That scar, do you have it from the accident?”

Lexa knows that the blonde is referring to the small scar on her forehead, cutting into her eyebrow. It’s not big, small enough not to be seen from a distance but once people get closer it is clearly there.

Lexa’s hand still on the blonde’s shoulder, she nods with a sad smile. “From the broken windows.”

“I’m sorry.” Clarke’s sniffs are too sad for Lexa to bear. Her heart has broken too many times during this conversation.

“Sorry for what?”

“That that had to happen to you.”

“Like I said before, Clarke. We have all lost people.” Lexa smiles, but she can taste’s the student’s pain.

“You are the only one who knows here.” The blonde confesses then.

“Well, you are also the only who knows about me.”

“Gustus and Octavia know.”

“Not the details.” Lexa bounces back smoothly, smiling lightly as she retracts her hand. “Here.”

She hands the blonde a tissue, smiling as she rests her arm on the backrest of the empty chair between them, her legs crossed.

Standing up, Clarke leaves Lexa sitting in the chair. “I am glad that you are going on the trip, Lexa.”

The brunette smiles.

“Me too, Clarke. Me too.”

\\\


	4. chicago pt. I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trip to chicago starts. interesting stuff keeps happening, their lives are clearly never boring.
> 
> also, writing this chapter i listened to the song 'nothing but you' from bob moses. great song, currently my favorite, kinda puts me in the clexa mode

\\\

“Alright, listen up!” Lexa stands in front of her class, containing only the students that will come on the trip. They turned out to be with a lot less than predicted - only about thirty students will join. Lexa honestly doesn't mind this.

Her arms are crossed in front of her chest, her glasses up her nose. She wears her hair in a tight ponytail, a white turtleneck and a navy blazer with matching slacks.

She stands next to Nyko, watching the 32 students that have applied for the trip.

“We leave Saturday morning, around three AM.” Lexa says, having the paper in front of her with the planning.

“We will stop every two hours, so the drivers can get rest and we can use restrooms and stretch our legs. We will overnight at the Comfort Inn at Des Moines, Iowa. We have already booked 18 rooms, one for me, one for Nyko, and you will have to find a partner to share one with. There are separate beds in the rooms. On the way back we will stay at the same motel to get some sleep.”

Lexa can see her students pairing up already, seeing Clarke and Octavia mutter lightly. Smiling, she continues as Nyko sits on her desk, controlling the slide show on the digital board behind the brunette.

“So, a hotel for 34 people in Chicago isn’t cheap – that is exactly the reason why we can’t fly there. We will stay at the…” searching her papers, ignoring the slideshow on the board behind her, Lexa looks up again. “…at the Club Quarters Hotel.”

“Exactly.” Nyko nods, standing up from the desk to walk in front of the students. “There will be breakfast arranged at the hotel for us every morning between eight and nine. Make sure you will be there in time, otherwise you will have to buy your own food.”

It’s Lexa’s turn to lean against her desk as she lets Nyko speak.

“Lunch will be mostly somewhere in the city. We have a budget for that.” Nyko smiles.

Scraping her throat, Lexa jumps in. “And we will eat dinner out as well, though the possibilty to eat at the hotel is always there if we can't find anything.”

Her eyes lock with Clarke’s for a brief moment, making the teacher smile subtly.

“Alright. Moving on to the planning of the week. We will hand you the schedule in a moment. That also contains your assignment for the week.”

Nodding, Nyko takes over again, clicking something on Lexa’s laptop to move to the next slide.

“The students studying modern art will be guided by Lexa and the rest by me. These assignments will be our project for the four weeks after we return. Since we also take two busses, we divide you guys depending on your studies.”

Lexa smiles when she sees the students talking excitedly. 

She continues. “Of course we will do some tourists routes, including the famous sky deck. On Friday night, we will have dinner all together, restaurant has yet to be picked. You guys can think about that already.”

Lexa laughs when the students start yelling things. She looks at Nyko, mirroring his amused look.

“Alright, maybe this is something to discuss while we are driving there.” Lexa chuckles lightly.

“Next slide? Alright, these are Nyko and my phone numbers. We will only be accompanying you during the tours. Once you get your free time, we will not be able to join everyone. In case of emergency, you can either call me or Nyko. So please, put these numbers into your phones."

"For the rules, it’s pretty basic. Since most of you are adults just as much as Nyko and I, we will be giving you as much freedom as possible. However, you are all our responsibilities. This means that you will have to be at the hotel at last at midnight every night. If you intend to sleep early – let us know, because we will check every night if everybody is safely in their beds. I know that it sounds lame, but it is a necessary precaution.”

The brunette sighs, thinking they have covered the most important parts. It is a Friday afternoon and she is tired, wanting to go home.

“Miss Blake?” Lexa notices the girls hand.

“What happens if we are late to the bus?”

Grinning, Lexa stands up straight. “Then we simply leave without you.”

More chattering sounds through the lecture hall as Lexa watches how several students grab their phones, probably putting in the numbers of the teachers.

“Miss Griffin?” Nyko speaks, making Lexa snap her eyes up to the familiar spot in the middle.

The blonde had her hand in the air. “Where will you be when we have free time?”

Thankfully, Nyko replies to that. “We will have free time, too, Miss Griffin. That means we are going to explore the city as well.”

“Any further questions can be asked next week. Right now you can pack your stuff and enjoy your weekend.” Lexa dismisses the class, closing her laptop. She has a stack of papers, containing all the information that the students need to know.

She stands by the door, handing them out to each of them.

“So you take the modern arch students in your bus, I’ll take the classical in the other.” Nyko stands next to her as the brunette keeps handing out the papers.

“Is it equally divided then?” Lexa glances beside her, but smiles at every student as they leave the room.

“You will have two more students. Can you handle that?” The blue eyed teacher laughs shortly.

“Absolutely.” Lexa only grins in his direction.

Her last paper is taken by Clarke. Thankfully, Nyko turns to grab his stuff by the desk.

The blonde lingers longer than she has to – stepping lightly into Lexa’s personal space, a small smile playing on her lips.

“Miss Griffin.” Lexa nods with a small smile, not really sure what to think of the proximity. Clarke is too close for her liking, Lexa can smell her perfume.

“Have a good weekend.” Clarke only says, her voice lower than usual. Before Lexa can reply, she has disappeared into the hallways.

When she turns to take her own things, she is relieved to find Nyko on his phone. Hopefully, he didn’t see a thing.

“Clarke likes you.” He glances up at her, a teasing smile on his face.

Coughing in confusion, Lexa’s eyes grow wider than she wants them to.

“What?”

“She likes you. I don’t think I have ever seen her smile to me before.” The man laughs, and Lexa can feel her heart beating in her chest rapidly.

“I’ve spoken to her a few times. She seems like a good student.”

“She is hard to miss, right.” Nyko winks, taking is bag ready to leave, but Lexa stops him with her hand on his chest.

Questioning blue eyes look into green.

“What do you mean by that?” Lexa asks quietly. She hates how she can’t act like nothing is going on.

“Well, she kind of is a rebel. She is always late, always chatting.”

“Really?” Lexa remembers the first few classes where Clarke did that, but the blonde has never given any indication that she was rebellious for the past few weeks.

“Yes, she… wait, hasn’t she done that in your classes?”

Shaking her head with a smile, Lexa feels relieved. Nyko seems oblivious.

“Not recently, no.”

“I told you she likes you.” Nyko laughs shortly. “Have a great weekend, Lexa. See you on Monday.”

“Bye, Nyko.”

\\\

The next week goes by slowly. Lexa prepares for the trip, packing all essentials. She knows she will probably sleep on the bus and she just hopes that it won’t be too exhausting.

At least they will make a stop in Des Moines, giving them the opportunity to rest.

Friday rolls in and the brunette teaches her last classes.

She hasn’t really spoken to Clarke this week, but she keeps locking eyes whenever the blonde is in her class.

She keeps smiling in hallways.

Lexa feels more at peace about it all – there is only really on thing that stuck to her mind from her conversation with Echo.

_Ignoring your feelings will only make them stronger._

Lately she has been thinking about what it is that she is feeling and she can’t figure it out. She knows she cares, she knows she is attracted to the blonde. She cannot remember ever feeling something like this for anybody else and it scares her.

Even though she barely knows Clarke, she does know the features of her face, the way that those blue eyes always show emotion, even if it’s barely there. She has noticed that Clarke feels responsible for others, that much she could tell from her conversation about her mother and the way she treats Octavia. It just makes her beautiful.

She doesn’t know how Clarke’s life used to be before her father died, but she has been dying to ask.

And she knows it’s dangerous – caring about her student like that, but she can’t help it.

She knows that if she will hide her feelings that it will only get worse.

But ever since she has let Clarke in just subtly enough to be friendly, she has felt relief.

She knows she should still be careful – she can’t deny that she thinks that the blonde is attracted to her, too.

She is never sure if Clarke likes her too, in any sort of way. But she knows she should let it go.

She knows she should just be the bigger person, being there for Clarke when she needs her in the near future, but nothing more than that.

Nothing more that could indicate that Lexa has more feelings for the blonde than she is willing to admit.

Sighing, she grabs her things, ready to get home to pack the last few things. She should sleep early, since she has to wake at an inhumane hour in the middle of the night.

She walks outside, over campus, smiling. She does look forward to going to Chicago. She and Nyko have prepared as much as they could, following Gustus’ schedule.

It is her first trip as a teacher, so she just hopes that everything will go well. She is slightly nervous, but not too much.

And so, she gets home, orders herself a pizza as she makes sure that everything is ready for the trip. She takes mostly casual clothes – a little easier and warmer than her usual professional outfits.

Mostly thick sweaters, turtlenecks and several pairs of jeans. Her ankle boots and a set of sneakers are coming, too.

She will most definitely leave her make-up at home – she never likes putting it on while she goes on a trip. At the school she usually wears mascara and eyeliner, but nothing more.

But she can live without her eyeliner for a week, she figures, putting her toothbrush in her small bag she uses for toiletry things.

She takes a long, hot shower so that she won’t have to in the morning, putting her hair in a bun. Once she is done, she takes her iPad to bed, putting on a terribly cliché Netflix movie that Lexa knows will put her to sleep.

\\\

She hates how her alarm goes off way too early. Groaning, she sits up, her room dark, her iPad on her nightstand.

She slept with the bun in her hair, making it curly as fuck.

She just decides to let it loose when she gets dressed into a light pair of jeans, a soft, white turtleneck that is slightly oversized.

She brushes her teeth, not putting on any make-up.

Then, she puts on her black leather ankle boots and her favourite leather winter coat – the one with extra fur inside to keep her warm during the winter.

She takes her black scarf, wrapping it around her neck once. Gloves, that she puts into the pockets of her jacket.

Taking her suitcase, the smaller backpack that contains her passport, wallet and keys and other important things.

She checks one last time if she has the charger of her phone, her iPad and her headphones. Her camera also comes with it – she has always loved urban photography.

When she is just about to go, she can feel her phone buzz in her pocket.

“Nyko.” Lexa smiles into it. He is supposed to pick her up.

“I am standing in front of your building.” She can hear him yawn.

“On my way.” Putting away her phone, Lexa takes everything downstairs, throwing her stuff in the back of Nyko’s Jeep.

“Morning.” Lexa smirks when she sees her favourite colleague yawn. “Perhaps I should drive?”

“Nah, I’m good.” He laughs. They silently drive through the city, towards the campus where the brunette already spots the two busses.

Checking her watch, it’s a little after two in the morning. She groans internally, hating how early they are leaving.

Nyko parks his car near the busses and the two teachers struggle to get their baggage out of the trunk.

“Goodmorning.” A voice sounds. “Are you the two teachers?”

Looking up, Lexa sees two men walking into their direction in simple suits – probably the chauffeurs.

Nodding, Lexa extends her hand to take theirs. “Lexa. This is Nyko.”

The two men both seem kind. “I am John and this is Peter. I have our schedule right here. We will stop every two hours and have breakfast in this little town.”

John hands Lexa some papers which she takes, trying to read it in the darkness of the night.

“Splendid.” The brunette mumbles.

“Can we put our baggage in there?” Nyko points to the busses.

The two drivers nod, helping the teachers with their things.

As they go over the trip, appointing Lexa the bus that John drives and Nyko will take Peters.

Slowly, students start to arrive, being brought by their parents or other family.

Octavia is being dropped of by the boy that Lexa recognizes as Bellamy.

“Hi.” Octavia smiles, seeming to be happier again and the brunette is grateful for it.

“Good morning, Octavia. You can put your stuff in the blue bus.”

Scanning the parking lot, Lexa notices how Clarke still isn’t there. At that exact moment, her phone buzzes.

She doesn’t recognize the number, but she answers anyway.

“Lexa.” It’s Clarke, a sad, almost pleading tone in her voice and the brunette knows that something is up.

“Clarke?”

“My mother can’t bring me. Could you maybe…” the blonde’s voice is hesitant. “… could you maybe pick me up?”

“We will be too late, Clarke.” Lexa states, walking backwards, away from the small crowd that has formed around the blue bus. “Why can’t your mother take you?”

“She passed out drunk earlier.”

Closing her eyes in frustration, Lexa hates how Clarke is being treated by her mother. The brunette is absolutely sure that the blonde’s mother has her reasons, but her daughter is suffering from her choices.

“I will speak to Nyko about it. I will call you back, okay?” Lexa says softly.

When she hears a small ‘yes’, she hangs up the phone.

Walking back, she taps Nyko on the shoulder, indicating for him to talk somewhere more private.

Nyko seems serious as they walk towards his car.

“Clarke is in trouble. Her mother was supposed to bring her, but due to personal circumstances, her mother can’t.”

“Then we have no choice but to leave without her, Lexa.” Nyko’s eyes are kind, but stern.

“This is not Clarke’s fault. She called me. If she would have left now she would have been in time, Nyko. I feel bad for not taking her when it’s her mothers fault.”

“Do you know what is going on?” the other teacher looks worried and Lexa nods.

“I am not sure if Clarke would be comfortable with me telling you this but she lost her father months ago. Her mother is clearly an alcoholic, neglecting Clarke. I have seen her sitting on the pavement waiting for her mother to pick her up more times than I can count by now. I think this trip will do her well, Nyko.”

Sighing deeply, Nyko considers it. “Alright, how about you take my car to pick her up? We have room for two hours delay, so…”

“Maybe I can take Octavia with me? Clarke seemed upset and I know that they are close.”

“Okay. Here are my keys.” Nyko nods.

“Thank you.”

“What do I tell the students?”

“Nothing.”

She grabs her phone, dialling the number that just called her.

“Lexa?”

“I will pick you up.”

“Really?”

“Yes. Just be ready, we’ll be there in fifteen.”

Hanging up the phone, Lexa walks back to the bus, trying to spot the younger Blake sibling in the darkness. Bellamy has left already, but she spots the girl.

“Octavia!” she yells, and the student makes her way over to Lexa with questioning eyes. “Clarke’s mother can’t bring her, so I am going to pick her up. Do you want to come with me?”

“Was she drunk again?” Octavia rolls her eyes, clearly aware of the blonde’s situation.

Lexa only nods, already walking to Nyko’s jeep.

Octavia climbs in the passanger seat. “Do you know where she lives?”

“I do. I have brought her home a few times.”

That earns her a surprised look, the student waiting for Lexa to explain. “Her mother fails to pick her up sometimes.”

“I know. Clarke only told me last week. I can’t believe she hid that from me.”

“Maybe because she was worried about _you_?” Lexa questions, smiling at the girl beside her as they drive towards Clarke’s home.

“She has been taking care of me a lot.” Octavia nods.

“How have you been doing after your mother?” Lexa asks carefully, watching Octavia stare outside.

“I have been living with my brother. He takes care of me. But it has been hard.”

Lexa only nods, watching as Octavia's lips are pursed. The girl clearly doesn't want to talk about it.

A comfortable silence falls between the two as they arrive at Clarke’s house. The blonde is already standing at her front door, ready to go.

Lexa's heart melts at the sight. The blonde is tucked tightly into her jacket, a sad look on her face which seems to light up subtly at the sight of Octavia and Lexa.

Lexa and Octavia jump out of the car, the younger girl taking the clearly upset blonde in her arms while Lexa takes her luggage to put it in the trunk.

She tries to cheer the blonde up with a small smile, getting the tiniest smile in return.

It’s enough for Lexa.

“Do you have everything?” Lexa asks, keys of the car dangling in her hands.

The blonde opens her mouth to reply, pulling back from her hug, but is interrupted by the front door opening.

It’s the woman that Lexa recognizes from that time in the parking lot months ago, clearly drunk as she leans heavily against the doorframe. She is beautiful – good genes that are passed on to her daughter.

“Clarke?” the woman slurs. “Where are you going?”

“Chicago, mom. I told you I was leaving tonight.”

“Right.” The woman with brown eyes smiles drunkenly, her dirty-blonde hair a mess. “Give your mother a hug, Clarke.”

“I’d rather not.” The blonde simply replies. Lexa steps closer, standing in front of Clarke and Octavia.

“Why don’t you go sit in the car?” Lexa asks without looking at them. “Mrs. Griffin?”

“Who are you?” the woman seems curious when she looks at Lexa, but almost falls as she tries to move.

“I am Lexa Woods, I teach your daughter architecture. I am guiding the trip to Chicago. May I help you inside?”

“I am perfectly fine. Have fun, Clarke!” the woman yells inappropriately and Lexa glances over her shoulder, seeing how Clarke has pressed herself in the back of Nyko’s car, refusing to look at her mother.

Lexa expects the blonde to be embarrassed, which she can completely understand.

“Well, just remember that Clarke will be home next Sunday night.”

“Fine by me.” The older woman waves it off, but almost falls to the ground.

Lexa is quick when she prevents the woman from falling completely. She takes the wrist of the other woman in her hand, slinging it over her shoulder.

Walking inside, this feels like the brunette is evading Clarke’s privacy, but she refuses to let Clarke take care of her mother for one more second.

She places the older woman on the couch, scribbling a quick note with her number and where they are going, just in case the woman won’t remember once she is sober.

Then, she quickly makes her way outside, closing the door behind her as she hurries back to the car.

“Thank you.” Clarke mumbles quietly, avoiding eye contact with Lexa. The two students sit in the back, Clarke clearly upset, leaning against Octavia heavily.

There are many things that Lexa wants to say, but she decides to stay silent.

They drive to campus quietly.

Once there, Lexa takes Clarke’s things, putting them in the bus. Students look at them with questioning eyes, but Lexa shoots them a glare before Clarke notices.

“Alright, looks like we are complete!” Nyko yells through the night. “All of you know which bus to take, so please take your seats so we can go.”

Lexa walks to him, handing him the keys of the Jeep.

“How did it go?” Nyko asks curiously as he watches the two students enter Lexa’s bus.

“Badly. Her mother woke up and couldn’t even remember where Clarke was going. I left a note.”

“Poor girl.” Nyko shakes his head.

“Yeah, I think it’s bothering her more than she shows.” Lexa agrees. “Anyways, see you in a few hours.”

“Absolutely.” The other teacher makes his way over to the white bus and Lexa climbs into the blue one.

She watches Clarke and Octavia sit next to each other, about three rows from the front, where Lexa will sit.

She only nods to them, all eyes on her, standing in the front as the driver starts the engine.

“Alright, guys. I think we are all pretty tired – maybe we can get some sleep on the bus. We will stop in a few hours to stretch our legs. I would like for all of you to be quiet this morning so we can rest.” She looks around the bus, seeing Murphy and his friends Jasper and Monty sitting in the back. She hopes that he won't be a problem this trip.

Rolling her eyes internally, Lexa takes place in her own seat, propping up her jacket behind her back so she can lean against it comfortably.

As the bus makes its way towards the highway, Lexa puts on her headphones and some relaxing music, leaning her head against the window as she watches the boring, dry landscape of Wyoming pass by.

She closes her eyes, slowly drifting off to sleep.

\\\

A nudge at her feet has her shooting up in surprise. She is met by amused blue eyes that belong to Clarke.

“You were sleeping deeply.” The blonde chuckles quietly when Lexa takes off her headphones, yawning as she looks through the bus.

The rest of the students seem to be asleep. Checking her watch, she realises they have been driving for almost two hours.

“What can I do for you, Clarke?” Lexa pulls in her legs, making the blonde sit next to her.

She is close and Lexa tries to ignore her heartbeat erratic in her chest. Instead, her green eyes focus on the blonde’s face.

“I, uhm… why did you do that with my mother?”

“Do what?” Lexa keeps looking at her, those blue eyes vulnerable but grateful.

“Take care of my mother, taking her inside. You don’t even know her.”

“But I know you.” Lexa only smiles. She does know why she did it. “I just wanted to make things easier for you.”

“Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.”

Shoulder against shoulder, they sit for a short moment. She feels like Clarke has more to say, but the blonde never does.

They sit for a few minutes, simply enjoying each ohters company, until Lexa softly urges Clarke to sit back next to Octavia. 

The student doesn’t question it, and Lexa stands up to walk to the driver.

Holding herself steady, she leans in just slightly. “John, when are we going to make our first stop?”

“I just talked to Peter. Everybody is asleep and we are just fine so maybe we can drive another hour or two.”

“Excellent.” Lexa smiles, returning to her seat. Everybody seems to be asleep, except for the blonde.

The student smiles lightly, to which Lexa responds with a smile of her own, slipping back into her seat.

She puts on her headphones again, thinking about Clarke. She tries not to look at her, but fails multiple times.

She watches Clarke fall asleep, her head falling onto Octavia’s shoulder. Her face relaxes more and Lexa can only smile at the sight.

She falls asleep again.

\\\

The trip was exhausting, to say the least. They finally arrive at the hotel in Chicago, Lexa having back pains due to the uncomfortable chair.

The busses stop in the middle of the fucking street downtown and Lexa hurries to get everybody and their luggage out. Scooting the students inside, the brunette already makes her way through the lobby to the reception, checking them all in.

This hotel seems a lot more luxury than the motel they stayed at in Des Moines, and Lexa is grateful for it.

She can’t help but feel a little grumpy because of the long trip.

“Polis University.” Lexa repeats when the receptionist doesn’t understand the school they are from. Her forearms lean on the counter as she impatiently watches the nervous boy search through his computer.

“And your name is?”

“Lexa Woods.”

Looking over her shoulder, she watches the students pace through the lobby, quite bored. Nyko is with them, chatting a bit with one of his students, making sure that everybody is inside.

“And you are with?”

“34 people.”

“18 rooms.” The boy says, afraid to look Lexa in the eyes. Lexa knows she can be a bit commanding once she gets grumpy and she really tries not to – but her body aches and she is starving to death.

“I have it all here.” The boy simply says, handing Lexa 18 envelopes. “All the same kind of rooms – two separate beds.”

“Great, thanks.” Lexa takes the stack with her without another word. Every envelope has its room number on it, and she starts to hand them out randomly.

“Alright, everybody – I know that we are tired and hungry.” She sighs deeply. “How about we meet up here in about an hour to grab dinner? For the people who want to stay in – that is fine, but do know that your dinner won’t be paid for. I would love for all of you to text me the next hour – which room you’re in and who you are sharing it with. This way I can also make a group chat together, making communication easier.”

Clearly taking the lead, Lexa scoots the students to move to their respective rooms, checking her own room number. She is on the fifth floor.

“Which floor are you on?” Nyko asks, standing beside her as they watch the students move upstairs.

“Five.”

“I am on two.” Nyko smiles. “Well divided.”

“I just hope that I won’t get stuck with the rebels.” Lexa laughs jonkingly, glad that there are barely any rebels in their group. “See you in an hour, Nyk.”

Making her way upstairs, Lexa doesn’t bump into any students. She has a paper which contains every room number. Sighing deeply, she remembers she has to go by every single one of them before they go to sleep at night.

As she enters her room, she can feel her phone buzz continuously, clearly all students texting her their number.

She takes a shower before sitting on the bed, putting all the numbers in her phone with the room number behind their names. This makes it easier for her to remember.

She smiles when she notices that Clarke and Octavia are both on the fifth floor as well.

She rests for quite some time, before putting on a simple black hoodie and skinny jeans with her sneakers.

She goes downstairs with her things, bumping into Murphy and Jasper.

“Gentlemen.” Lexa simply nods walking into the elevator. Murphy doesn’t seem impressed by Lexa’s stoic exterior, but Jasper seems quite uncomfortable, amusing the teacher to no end.

The elevator ride is awkward, to say the least, but once she gets to the lobby, she spots only a few other students. She is early.

“So where are we going to eat?” John Murphy asks, his eyebrows shot up as in a way of challenging Lexa. His arms are crossed in front of his chest.

“Wherever we want.” The teachers smiles. “Perhaps that you guys are in for some junkfood.”

“Hell yeah.” Monroe, a quiet girl from Nyko’s group mingles in the conversation.

“We will see what the rest thinks.” Lexa smiles at her kindly, watching how other students join them in the lobby.

“Alright, guys. If there are people willing to eat on their own, that’s fine by me. I was thinking to grab some quick junkfood, so everybody who wants can join me. Considering the rest of you – remember to be in your rooms in time and to text me if you want to go to sleep early. I will keep my word and check up on you every night.”

“I wouldn’t mind that.” Murphy jokes with a flirty grin, earning him an eyeroll from Lexa and a chuckle from a few students.

“Me neither.” Jasper adds, while Monty pokes him in the side.

“Alright, enough.” Lexa laughs. She watches Nyko standing beside her, glancing over the group.

Her phone starts buzzing annoyingly in her pocket, forcing her to take it out. She is being called by an unkown number.

"Lexa Woods." she answers, stepping away from the group just enough to give her some privacy.

"This is Abby Griffin. Why the hell did I find a note with your name and number on it, saying you are taking Clarke to Chicago?!" 

Lexa is just about ready to roll her eyes at the older woman, but she holds back when she searches Clarke's eyes in the group.

"I work for Polis University, ma'am. I guide Clarke during the trip."

"Why do I not know anything about this? Did you leave the note?" the woman slurs lightly and Lexa can tell that she is at least tipsy.

Clarke looks at Lexa in worry from a distance and Lexa motions for the blonde to come over while she speaks.

"I went to pick Clarke up from her house before we left, Mrs Griffin. Because you weren't able to do so."

"Excuse me?" Abby sounds frustrated and offended and Lexa wonders how far she should go.

The blonde joins her and Lexa motions for her to lean in so she can listen to the conversation.

"Ma'am, I mean no offense, but you weren't capable of bringing Clarke to campus. I had to pick her up because you were neglecting her."

"I beg your pardon? I don't like the way you are talking to me."

Closing her eyes, Lexa hates where this is going. Should she not have spoken the way she did?

Clarke pulls away quickly, her eyes wide in shock.

"I can give you Clarke." Lexa says stoically, not liking Abby in this moment at all. But the blonde shakes her head with her wide eyes, not wanting to speak to her drunk mother.

"That won't be necessary, Miss Woods. I expect an apology when you bring Clarke back."

"Bring Clarke back? Can't you pick her up?" Lexa snaps. Clarke looks at her with big puppy eyes and Lexa can feel the anger rise in her chest with the way Abby is treating her daughter.

"I won't have time."

"Well, Mrs Griffin, I'd be happy to sacrifice fifteen minutes to bring your daughter home safely. Something maybe _you_ should do in the future."

"If you keep on going like this I will call the school!"

"Yes, why don't you do that?" Lexa grits her teeth angrily, her heart breaking when she can clearly see a tear streaming down the blonde's face.

She takes the blonde's arm in her hand, guiding them somewhere more private, since other students look at them curiously.

"I most definitely will."

"Before I hang up the phone, Mrs Griffin, I would like to say that you should be ashamed of yourself. I don't know if you have noticed, but Clarke is doing her best to take care of you, while it should be the other way around. I know you have lost your husband, I know how much it hurts to lose somebody you love, but Clarke lost not only her father, but her mother too. Good day."

Hanging up the phone, Lexa breathes heavily, her pupils blown in frustration.

"Lexa." Clarke only whispers.

"I am sorry, Clarke, I shouldn't have, but she..."

"Lexa."

"She just... she doesn't seem to care about you at all." 

"Lexa!" Clarke says louder, a tear staining her cheek. Lexa automatically reaches to wipe it away with her thumb, thoughtlessly staring into those blue orbs.

"Thank you."

"I overstepped. I should have given you the phone."

"Lexa, didn't you just hear me say thank you? My mother needs to hear this. You just did what I am too weak to do." Clarke breathes, standing in Lexa's personal space but she doesn't care.

They are somewhere in a hallway on the ground floor, nobody around them.

"I just wish that she would be a mother to you, Clarke. You shouldn't be the one taking care of _her_."

"Everything alright?" Nyko pops his head around the corner, watching the two women stand, both emotions written on their faces.

"It was Clarke's mom." Lexa simply says, straightening her back as she walks towards her colleague, guiding Clarke with her.

Nodding, Nyko silentely lets the blonde know that she is okay.

Making their way back to the lobby, Lexa already meets Octavia's concerned gaze. 

Back to their dinner plans, Lexa remembers they were about to go.

Almost the entire group joins Nyko and Lexa when they go to a fastfood restaurant. It’s chaos, to say the least and Lexa is only glad when they return to the hotel in the darkness, falling on her bed with a tired sigh.

This is going to be a long week.

\\\

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hate to make a bitch out of abby but i promise you she will be better in the future!


	5. chicago pt. II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> something.... happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have no idea how this story exploded - i have never had so many kudo's so quickly , what the actual f*ck!!
> 
> i don't know why this story is apparently special, i have no idea what i have done that makes it so good. i am just happy that you guys like it so much!

\\\

The next morning they all get breakfast downstairs in the dining hall. All students seem pretty tired, but Lexa is glad that she slept well – she is actually excited for today’s tour. They will have a tour throughout the city, guided by a retired architect.

They will go to the Skydeck, among many other things.

Lexa takes her camera with her as the group makes their way towards the meeting point in the middle of the city near their hotel.

She takes pictures of students, of Nyko and the buildings.

The architect seems really passionate about his job, guiding them through the city, along the canals, bridges and buildings.

Lexa watches how most of the student pay full attention to everything that he is saying and the brunette listens just as much.

From how old every building is, to who designed it and special facts about them. She knows she could listen to stories like this forever.

They walk most of the time downtown, students looking around in awe and Lexa remembers once again why she loves this job so much.

“They really like it.” Nyko walks next to Lexa, behind the entire group to watch them. He sounds surprised, making the brunette smile lightly.

“Of course they do. They study architecture, Nyko.” Lexa laughs, snapping a few pictures of buildings around them. This city has stolen her heart. It is large, modern and really interesting.

“Ah, right. Sometimes I feel like I am teaching high school students, though.” The blue-eyed man chuckles. “Gimme that camera.”

“Since when are you a photographer?” Lexa sounds curious. The group makes a stop near a bridge and Nyko starts scooting everybody together.

“Group picture, guys!” He yells, holding up his camera.

“I can just take it, Nyk.” Lexa laughs, but the man wants her in the group as well.

Shrugging, Lexa settles between Monty and Murphy -as they force her to sit in the middle. The brunette doesn’t notice Clarke behind her, until she feels a hand on her back hesitantly. She glances over her shoulder quickly, watching Clarke looking down on her.

The group is so close together that nobody could notice.

Lexa has her knees bent to look smaller and she notices how the blonde keeps her hand on Lexa’s back, ever so subtly sliding to her side, leaning casually.

The teacher can hardly say something now, with everybody around her, so she lets it slide.

But she can’t help her racing heart and her longing to lean into the blonde only further.

Nyko takes several pictures, smiling satisfied as he hands the other teacher her camera back.

“Thanks.” Lexa smiles at him, watching how the other architect takes over the tour again. She notices the blonde lingering behind the group – her eyes on Lexa while she smiles.

“Let’s go.” The teacher only says, pulling Nyko with her, giving Clarke the hint to get along as well.

It is freezing, but Lexa and the students don’t seem to care. The sun is shining and it’s a beautiful day.

As they walk downtown, they make their way to the Willis Tower, on their way to the Skydeck.

Lexa remembers coming here before and how much she actually loved it. She glances over the group, catching Nyko’s eyes as he smiles.

He takes his own group up first, while Lexa’s group has to wait.

She looks around, spotting Clarke chatting with Octavia and the brunette is relieved to see that the blonde seems to be having a good time.

The Skydeck impresses the students. They take pictures, selfies and Lexa smiles when she finds Octavia staring over the city.

“My mother grew up here.” The black-haired girl smiles when she notices Lexa standing beside her.

“Beautiful city.”

“Miss Woods!” Jaspers voice sounds and Lexa rolls her eyes.

“It’s Lexa, Jasper. Not Miss Woods.”

“Whatever. Would you like to take a selfie with us?” the thin boy grins proudly and Lexa is amused when she sends him her most flirty smile.

His grin instantly fades, a blush creeps up his cheeks as she stands beside him.

Jasper takes the selfie with an awkward face, while Lexa remains quite neutral.

It earns her several chuckles and when she looks around, she is met with the most beautiful blue eyes - Clarke is laughing behind her hand, her eyes sparkling as she studies Lexa’s face.

The brunette can only send a smile back, not able to tear her gaze away from the blonde woman.

They stay up the Skydeck for over an hour and Lexa takes several pictures of students.

She also makes pictures of Clarke and Octavia, happy that the two girls are having this much fun.

“Alright, it’s time for lunch.” Lexa stretches a bit, watching the students as she stands beside Nyko.

“Any volunteers for actual healthy food can come with me, the rest can join Nyko!” Lexa yells before they all go downstairs, amused by the fact that Nyko is craving more junkfood.

“You gotta think of that dad body of yours, Nyk.” Lexa whispers, earning her a small, teasing slap from her friend.

“I do not have a dad body.”

“You will if you keep eating at fastfood restaurants.” Lexa snorts, trying to have fun herself.

Nyko only glares at her, but she can tell that he is amused just as much as Lexa is.

Lexa only gets around seven students with her, among them the one she cares about the most.

She chats with a few students, not really knowing them well. But every time during a conversation, her gaze is being pulled to the blonde and every time Lexa looks, the blonde seems to be looking at her as well.

She doesn’t know what to think of it. She loves stealing glances, but she knows that it is quickly growing into something beyond innocent.

Lunch goes by quickly. She gives her students the assignment, giving them the space to explore the city on their own after lunch.

They have to find two buildings of their choice – built beyond a certain year. They will make a report about it and once they get home, they will work on a design based on those two buildings.

She watches the students leave around her, all going their own way to explore the big city.

Lexa and Nyko do the same thing together – they go to Grant Park, the park beside Lake Michigan, offering them an amazing view as they spend time to get to know each other a little more.

“God, I love this city.” Lexa admits as she tucks her scarf around her face even better when the wind is icy.

“Me, too. I have always preferred Chicago over New York.” Nyko agrees as they walk through the park, enjoying the free time that they have.

“I think I have, too.” The brunette smiles. She is deep in thought, thinking about a certain blonde she can’t seem to push out of her mind.

She knows it is getting worse. “Can I ask you something personal?”

“Go for it.” Nyko smiles, slowing down their pace as he can sense that Lexa is about to say something serious.

“How do you… keep your personal life separated from your professional life?”

An amused eyebrow shoots up.

“Well, if you mean the relationship between us; I don’t. You know I’m gay, I know you’re gay. We are more than just colleagues Lexa.” He smiles, pulling Lexa down to sit on a bench.

As they sit in the cold, they have an amazing view over Michigan Lake, making Lexa sigh happily.

“Well, I didn’t mean colleagues…” Lexa is hesitant. She trusts Nyko, but she is not sure how far she should go. “I am talking about students.”

“Students? What do you mean?” he leans back, his hands tucked in his pockets, his blue eyes on the brunette, but she is only staring over the lake.

“Well, with most of them I am perfectly capable of shutting certain things out, but… I feel like I have become too close to… I don’t know, I have had some pretty personal conversations with Clarke and Octavia.”

“I don’t think that is a bad thing, Lexa. Sometimes that is necessary.”

“What if I went too far, though?” Lexa leans her elbows on her knees, her head on her hands.

“Uhm, I don’t exactly know what happened but I am gonna need a little more than that to give you advice.”

“I told you just before the trip about Clarke, right? I told you that I found her on the pavement a few times. Well, I brought her home several times.”

“Okay.” Nyko simply nods. “Do you mean that you are building a friendship with a student?”

“I suppose?” Lexa sighs, tired or her never-ending thoughts about the blonde. She straightens her back, leaning back as well.

“There is nothing wrong with that, but you should be careful, though.”

“Careful?”

“That you are not getting involved too much.” The man only smiles, his tone never judging.

“How will I know if I am too involved?” Lexa glances at him, meeting a gentle smile which she happily returns.

“That is something I can’t tell you, Lexa.”

They remain silent for a moment, feeling the cool wind in their faces, the lowering sun on their backs.

“Listen, Lexie. If anything is bothering you, ever, and you are worried about maybe getting involved too much – you can always come to me. I am glad you told me.”

“Thank you for listening, Nyko.”

“Always.”

\\\

Lexa and Nyko make their way through the city, arms hooked as they are both buried deeply in their jackets and scarfs. They have agreed to meet up with the students at the Revival Food Hall, a large hall with different tiny restaurants so the students can easily choose what they want to eat.

As they enter, Lexa instantly smiles when she sees almost all the students already there, having reserved two spots for the teachers.

“Lexa, Nyko! Over here!” Monroe calls and the two teachers take off their jackets, walking through the large halls.

“Ohmygod, I am starving.” Nyko groans when he smells the food. Lexa only smiles, taking a seat between the students.

On her right is Jasper and on her left Octavia. Clarke and Monty are sitting across the long table, with the other students beside them.

Lexa throws Clarke the tiniest smile before moving on to hear about her student’s days.

They all seem really happy and eager about being in Chicago and Lexa loves how they open up to her. Even Murphy seems to be having a good time.

“Alright, guys.” Lexa stands up to check the really long table, watching all the students look at her expectantly.

Smiling, she shows her business creditcard. “Modern arch students come with me so we can pick our food. Classical will be going with Nyko, as usual. Let’s go.”

Taking a bunch of young adults with her, Lexa loves how they follow her gladly, talking to each other about the foods they want.

Most students order at the same stand, making it easy for Lexa to pay. It takes about twenty minutes before everybody is back at the table, waiting for the food to be brought to them.

Lexa casually chats with Monty. The boy speaks about how he studied engineering first, but how he switched to architecture, telling the teacher how much he loves designing buildings.

Jasper seems not so interested in architecture, making Lexa wonder what the hell he is doing here. But, Octavia and Jasper get wrapped up in a conversation about the subject, leaving Lexa to sit quietly as she takes a sip of her iced tea.

She catches Clarke staring at her, once again.

She tilts her head lightly, wondering what the blonde is thinking. She knows it’s too much. If she keeps staring at Clarke, and Clarke keeps staring at her, things will go wrong. And Lexa knows that this can’t happen.

After her conversation with Nyko she just knew she had to let the blonde go. She knows that she has crossed the line already and it needs to end.

Lexa stands up, excusing herself to get to the restrooms, looking at Clarke in the process, motioning as subtly as possible.

She waits there, hoping that Clarke got the hint.

She did.

“Hey.” The blonde smiles softly, but Lexa feels uptight. She remembers Nyko’s words, repeating them over and over in her head. _You have to be careful_.

“This has to stop.” Lexa simply says, washing her hands, avoiding looking at Clarke.

“What?” the blonde seems flabbergasted, her eyes wide and her lips parted in surprise.

“Whatever this is between us, Clarke. It has to stop.”

“What are you talking about?” the blonde recovers, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

“I catch you staring at me. We are too close, and it is wrong.” Lexa breathes, leaning on the sink as she tries to control her heavy breathing.

She has no idea why all the sudden this is too much for her – being alone with the blonde in the restroom.

She realises that all she wants to do is pin Clarke against the door and kiss her like her life depends on it, but she can’t.

She knows she won’t.

“Well, I can’t help it that you’re ridiculously good-looking.” The blonde chuckles lightly and Lexa hates how she loves the sound of that.

“What is this between us, Clarke?”

“Uh… friendship?” the blonde offers weakly, but her smile falls when she notices Lexa’s harsh gaze.

“We can’t do this, Clarke. I can’t be around you.”

“Why not?”

The brunette can see the frustration building at the blonde – biting her lips, her fingers ticking on her own arm as she is looking at the teacher sternly.

Swallowing, Lexa hates how the blonde asks her that. “Because I care too much.”

“About what?!” the blonde almost yells, but keeps her voice down just enough so that people outside won’t hear.

“You, Clarke.” Lexa bites her bottom lip. “I care too much about you.”

“I…” the blonde doesn’t speak. She only looks at Lexa, her blue eyes so fucking lovingly that Lexa can’t handle it.

“That. Don’t look at me like that, Clarke.” Lexa’s nostrils flare in frustration. She doesn’t move, still leaning on the sink as she hangs her head down.

How the fuck did they get here?

“I care about you, too, Lexa.” Her husky voice is gentle, and the brunette knows she is walking into her direction.

“Don’t, Clarke. We can’t. Just… I can’t do this anymore.” The teacher almost breaks, but then, Clarke’s fingers wrap around her bicep gently, pulling her in for a hug.

It is strange, to say the least. Lexa’s eyes flutter closed instantly, feeling the blonde’s body against her own like this for the very first time.

She tries to ignore how perfect it feels, how well their bodies fit together.

Clarke’s arms are around her shoulders and Lexa leans on her heavily, while her own arms slip around the blonde’s waist.

Lexa knows that this is dangerous – she knows that anybody can step in at any time.

She knows she shouldn’t do this but she lets herself, even though it’s just for a few seconds.

She can feel Clarke’s soft cheek pressed against her own and it’s almost too much.

“We can’t do this.” Lexa simply states, pulling back just enough to press a soft kiss on the blonde’s cheek, before escaping out of the restroom.

She misses how the blonde reaches to her cheek with a few fingers, touching the spot where the teacher had just kissed her.

\\\

The next day is a free day for them all – Lexa decides to hang around the hotel a bit, after having watched Clarke and Octavia leave for the big city.

She just tries to get her shit together.

Her feelings for Clarke are clearly more than just friendly. The way the blonde reacted the day before tells Lexa that she may have feelings as well, but she doesn’t know for sure.

She doesn’t know anything for sure.

Lexa sits in the lobby, scrolling through her iPad, but closes her eyes when she remembers the hug.

The blonde had been so gentle, so kind and caring and Lexa just can’t put it away.

She can’t hide her feelings, not anymore.

She is so torn between doing the right thing and giving in. She remembers her conversation with Echo, but Nyko had changed her mind.

She has to let Clarke go, simple as that.

Except that it isn’t simple. It feels like it’s the hardest thing Lexa ever had to do in her entire life.

Her mind keeps thinking about those blue eyes, that tiny smile and she hates herself for it.

She makes her way back up to her room, taking a long hot bath while listening to her favourite music. She keeps her phone with her at all times, in case one of the students or Nyko needs her, but it remains silent.

She orders room service for lunch, when she gets quite bored. She decides to explore the city again on her own – maybe going for a nice walk with her music and camera.

And so she does. Her hair in a bun, her scarf wrapped around her neck, she walks around the darkening city. She has checked the weather forecast and it looks like it’s going to snow for the next few days.

Not that Lexa hates snow – she is simply worried that because of that they won’t be able to get out of the city.

As she wanders around the city, time flies. She buys coffee at Starbucks, like the stereotypical Americans, warming her hands with it.

It is then, that she notices her phone buzzing in her pocket.

“Hello?” she answers, her coffee in her left hand.

“Lexa?”

“Who is this?”

“It’s Monty. Uh, Jasper kinda… we have to take him to a hospital because he was being an idiot. He was trying to impress Octavia and then he fell.”

“Excuse me? Where are you?” Lexa sighs. “Is he alright?”

“He thinks that he is about to die, but I am sure he will be fine.”

“He should definitely get checked at a hospital. Send me your location and I will join you.”

And so, Lexa finds out that they are just a few blocks away. She tells Monty to stay put as she hurries to them.

She already spots four students – Monty, Octavia, Clarke and an upset Jasper.

Rolling her eyes, she wonders what the hell was on his mind that made him do something stupid.

“What the hell happened?” Lexa squats down besides Jasper, who is just sitting on the ground, holding onto his arm for dear life.

“I think he just dislocated his shoulder.” Clarke speaks up.

“What did you do?” Lexa keeps her eyes on the boy, who is clearly in pain.

“I was just balancing on the edge of the sidewalk, but there was this taxi that drove by fast and too close and I fell on the street.”

“We got him back on the pavement before anything else could happen.” Monty adds quickly.

“Well, okay. Let’s get you to a hospital then.” Lexa shakes her head in disbelief. She knows that Jasper and Octavia are younger than Clarke and Monty, but still she had expected them to be at least careful.

She lifts Jasper up by his good arm, but the boy still whimpers quietly.

“Can you get us a cab?” Lexa looks between the other three students. Monty nods, walking to the street to stop the nearest cab.

“What about us?” Octavia asks as Lexa and Monty help Jasper in the cab, climbing in besides the hurting student.

“Just go have fun. Don’t worry about Jasper.” Lexa’s eyes soften as she closes the door of the cab. “To the nearest hospital, please.”

Lexa watches Clarke and Octavia stand on the sidewalk, a little helpless.

“What were you trying to prove?” Lexa mumbles, watching how they drive through the city.

“He was trying to impress Octavia.” Monty rolls his eyes and Lexa can’t help but smile.

“I was not!” Jasper mutters, looking uncomfortable pressed between Lexa and Monty. “Okay, maybe I was, but it was no big deal.”

“You could have died if they didn’t pull you off the street in time, Jasper.” Lexa tries not to be too stern.

They remain silent for a short moment, until Jasper speaks up again. “I don’t have health insurance.”

“The school does, Jasper. You don’t have to worry about that.” Lexa smiles. As they arrive at a hospital, Monty and Lexa help Jasper out of the cab carefully, walking him inside the emergency room.

Lexa walks to the reception, signing Jasper up. The nurse tells them to wait and they sit, all three staring in front of them, to the sterile white walls while they try to ignore all the sounds coming from hurt patients.

“I am sorry, Lexa.” Jasper simply says.

“Don’t be. Just don’t do something stupid again, okay?” Lexa smiles, watching how a doctor walks up to them.

The doctor takes Jasper with him for treatment, while Monty and Lexa remain waiting.

Lexa shoots Nyko a quick text to update him about the situation. Nyko shoots back that they will have dinner at the restaurant at the hotel and that they can join whenever.

It takes about half an hour before Jasper appears in front of them again, his arm resting in a sling, a smug smile on his face.

“Alright, let’s go to the hotel.” Lexa smiles. “How did it go?”

“It was painful, but it went alright.” He grins.

As they move to the hotel by cab, Lexa watches how the sky has turned dark, into night.

This was a long day.

They settle in the restaurant near the lobby, joining the others. The restaurant isn’t fancy, but it’ll do.

Lexa orders a simple burger, chatting with a few students, which is surprisingly nice. Jasper still seems shy regarding Lexa, but Monty chats as if his life depends on it.

Clarke and Lexa regularly exchange looks and smiles, while the brunette tries not to. But her eyes are glued to the stunning blonde sitting across from her.

They actually have fun and Lexa forgets that she is on a trip with school. She forgets that she is the teacher, watching Nyko act like a complete fool to make Jasper, Octavia and a few other students laugh.

It is warm and comfortable, and Lexa loves how Clarke laughs in between, watching the others interact.

The brunette can’t stop looking at her. The blonde is so fucking dazzling in her turtleneck, her blonde hair lightly curly as it bounces around her face.

The way her small fingers play with her cutlery, how the smile keeps tugging at the corners of her lips.

Lexa wishes she could see Clarke this happy every day. Simply because she deserves it.

She knows she shouldn’t care so much. She knows she shouldn’t be looking into those blue orbs so much.

So she tries to build up her walls, trying to enjoy the innocence of the time they are spending all together.

She fails.

\\\

She can’t sleep. There are too many things on her mind. Clarke, the blonde’s mother, her conversation with Nyko.

In a manner of days, her life has become the biggest mess she ever had to deal with. She has let down her guard and it is _wrong_.

It is in the middle of the night and she can’t stop staring at the ceiling, grumbling in frustration.

She figures that maybe some fresh air will help. She gets out of bed, doesn’t bother putting on a bra as she pulls a dark, thick hoodie over her head, her hair in a messy bun.

She puts on skinny jeans and slips into her sneakers, taking her leather jacket.

She puts on her glasses and takes her phone and the key, silently slipping out of her room.

She makes her way downstairs, to the empty lobby. The automatic doors slide open and she is met with a cold, harsh wind.

Shivering into her coat, she wonders what the hell had gotten into her that she thought fresh air would be good.

But once she breathes in the cool air, she can feel her lungs burn in a good way, the few baby hairs around her face tickling her.

She walks over pavement, leaning against the wall near the entrance. Cars are driving by and Lexa wonders if this city never sleeps, either.

There are many stars in the darkness, making the brunette smile lightly.

“Can’t sleep either?” a familiar voice sounds, and Lexa almost rolls her eyes.

Of course Clarke has the same idea as Lexa had.

Of course, they meet in private again.

“No.” Lexa smiles, looking beside her to see Clarke standing hesitantly, her hands buried deep into her pockets as she clearly shivers.

“Any particular reason?” the blonde asks, eying the wall carefully, asking for a silent permission to join.

Lexa scoots a little, the student smiling gratefully as she joins the brunette, leaning against the wall too, watching the street together.

“My fucked up sleeping routine of the past days, I suppose.” Lexa grins, glancing beside her. The blonde seems lightly amused, her blue eyes sparkling teasingly. A look that Lexa loves. “What about you?”

“I can’t stop thinking about what you said yesterday in the restroom.” The blonde mutters. “I don’t think I can, Lexa.”

“That you can’t what?” Lexa looks beside her, seeing Clarke staring into the dark sky, as snowflakes start to whirl down. It lands on the tip of Clarke’s nose, making Lexa smile lightly.

“I don’t think I can stop.”

“Stop what?” Lexa plays dumb. She needs to hear it from her. She watches Clarke turn lightly, leaning one shoulder against the wall and Lexa mirrors her.

They are close – so close that lexa can feel the warmth of the blonde’s body. She can inhale the vapour that Clarke is breathing out, she only has to lean in lightly to be able to touch her.

Blue eyes stare into green, so vulnerable, exposed, so kind and lovingly that Lexa has to swallow it away.

She can’t stop staring.

They stay in silence for a while, the air between them heavy, while Lexa still waits for an answer. The cars driving by, a person walking by every now and then.

They should not be so comfortable this close. They shouldn’t be speaking so privately.

They shouldn’t be stealing glances of each other, flirty smiles tugging on their lips. They shouldn’t shuffle closer to each other to stay warm in the cold night.

Lexa should not be looking at her student the way she is, her eyes dark and the tip of her tongue wetting her parted lips.

And they sure as hell should not kiss.

But in the next moment, Clarke’s soft lips are on hers and it feels like everything she has ever wanted.

Lexa is not sure how they got here, or who initiated it but God, this is pure bliss. She is not sure who initiated it.

But that doesn’t matter, because after the first shock of feeling each other, Clarke whimpers and deepens the kiss and Lexa’s mind goes completely blank.

All she knows is Clarke and reality does not return until the moment they break apart to gasp for air.

“Clarke.” The brunette breathes, unable to identify the strange feeling in her chest. Her lips tingle, she can barely breathe, and the blonde’s face is _so_ fucking close.

“Lexa.” Clarke murmurs with a low voice, her eyes flickering between Lexa’s eyes and lips.

The brunette knows that this is wrong. She knows that this should not be happening.

Then why the hell does it feel so _good_?

Before the teacher knows it, Clarke’s lips are back on hers and she instantly opens her mouth. Tongues slide against the other and Lexa can hear a tiny moan coming from the blonde, sending pleasure through her body, to places she knows is far beyond appropriate.

“Clarke.” She tries to pull back, but the blonde’s warm hands cup her face so gently that Lexa can’t do anything but sigh happily and lean into the touch.

She hates how much she loves this. She hates in what position they are.

“We can’t.” she breathes heavily, her eyes closed as the words leave a sour taste in her mouth.

Clarke pulls back quickly, as if she’s been touched by fire.

Lexa instantly misses her.

She leans one shoulder against the wall, Clarke’s face only inches away from her. She is drowning in blue eyes, so torn between wanting to lean in and knowing she shouldn’t.

She can’t hold back. She should, but she can’t.

Clarke’s eyes are just so blue, so pure, her lips pink and inviting as she bites her bottom lip.

Groaning internally, Lexa hates herself for what she is about to do next.

Instead of being wise, the brunette leans in again, her hands on the blonde’s sides to pull her in, meeting Clarke’s lips in a hot open-mouthed kiss. The way the blonde tastes is something Lexa wants to remember forever, because after tonight, this must be over.

After tonight, she can’t kiss her anymore. Ever.

But the blonde moans into her mouth, kissing her with a desperation that Lexa can feel tugging at her own heart. It sends heat to her core and she hates how her own body betrays her.

They don’t break apart when they switch angle. Lexa cups Clarke’s cheeks, switching sides, capturing those addictive lips once again. She can’t help but feel… everything.

Her skin is on fire, desire running through her veins and she can’t stop kissing her. She can’t put herself into pulling back, calling it a night.

Instead, she can feel the blonde pressing her body as close to Lexa’s as possible, their hips locking.

She needs her close.

Clarke stops for a moment, looking into those green eyes for a moment too long.

Lexa bites her swollen lip, hating how lovingly the blonde is looking at her, emotions raw and bare behind those eyes.

Clarke’s hands are on her cheeks and god, how she loves the feeling. Her eyes flutter closed, she inhales the blonde’s scent.

Just when she is about to say something, those lips are on hers again, moving slowly but with cause. Lexa parts her lips when she can feel the blonde’s tongue wiping at the entrance.

“We should stop.” The brunette murmurs against Clarke’s lips, hating how she can’t control herself. It is like her body is thinking for her.

Pulling back now, while she still can, Lexa takes two steps back, parting from the blonde with pain in her heart.

She aches with a longing she never knew she had, her chest rising and falling quickly as she licks her swollen lips. She can still taste Clarke, she can still smell her, feel her against her own body.

She looks into those blue orbs, hating how Clarke looks so fucking vulnerable and all the brunette wants to do is take her in her arms and never let go.

“Why are you doing this to me?” the blonde mutters, her lips wetted and swollen.

“Why are you doing this to _me_?” Lexa repeats the same words, not being able to walk away just yet. “Clarke, we can’t do this.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. Then maybe you shouldn’t have kissed me.” Clarke seems hurt and frustrated and Lexa knows exactly how she feels.

“I am sorry, Clarke. I… I care about you more than I should and we can’t be doing this.”

“Tell me that you don’t want me.” Clarke then snaps, her eyes boring into Lexa’s.

“I can’t do that.” The brunette breathes.

“Why not?”

Instead of replying, Lexa knows she should go. This could never end well.

“I can’t do this. I made a mistake. I am sorry, Clarke.”

“I’m sorry, too.” The student looks down at the ground, seemingly to have given up the fight.

“Goodnight, Clarke.” Lexa escapes inside, taking the stairs up, almost running to her room.

Once in there, she leans her head and back against the door, breathing heavily as she tries to comprehend what the fuck had just happened.

And she realises then, that she has wanted that all along.

To kiss Clarke.

To feel her. To hold her close.

“Fuck.” She mutters. This can’t be happening.

The slides down onto the ground, burying her face in her hands.

Why can’t this just be easy?

\\\

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you guys still like it. few more chapters in chicago and then back to polis.


	6. chicago pt. III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am nearly finished with this story!! so already updating the next chapter just for you, guys.
> 
> thank you for your patience and all the love!!

\\\

“ _Lexa_.”

She can’t cave in again.

She can’t cave in, not even when it’s the only thing she wants the most.

The blonde’s voice sounds through the door to Lexa’s hotel room and she doesn’t know what to do anymore. Her back still against it, her face buried in her hands, she hears the student knock softly.

“Lexa, let me in.”

She knows she shouldn’t. She knows she should ignore it and go to bed and pretend that the kiss never happened.

Even though it is _everything_.

She knows she should let it go. That she should let _Clarke_ go. But the student’s voice is soft and demanding at the same time and Lexa doesn’t know what the blonde would do if she _wouldn’t_ let her in.

So she rises from the floor, feeling how her body acts before she can even think.

She opens the door, letting the student in as she tries to stay distant as much as possible. She has to end this – she knows this. It is the only reason she lets the blonde into her room.

Clarke closes the door behind her softly, lingering in the spot right there as if she is afraid to move any further.

It is then, that Clarke quirks a brow, her gaze never leaving Lexa’s face as she leans back against the door.

“Why did you come here?” Lexa asks, her jaw clenching, her hands behind her back as she avoids looking into those blue eyes.

“I want to talk about what happened.” Clarke’s tone is dangerously low, something that Lexa recognizes as anger and desperation.

Lexa only purses her lips, hating how she is so torn between wanting nothing more than to take Clarke into her arms and _having_ to let her go.

It is truly the hardest thing she ever had to do and it is killing her inside.

“There is nothing to talk about.” Lexa almost hisses, feeling so incredibly frustrated that she can’t help but snap at the girl in front of her.

“No? Then what the hell happened outside?” Clarke crosses her arms in front of her chest challenging, biting her lip as if her life depends on it, her gaze stern as Lexa meets it shortly.

“That was a mistake, Clarke. I need you to _leave_ , right now.” Lexa hisses once again, hating how fucked up this all is. She has no idea why this is happening to her.

“Do you _want_ me to leave?” Clarke asks, her tone suddenly more vulnerable, her big blue eyes pleading as she walks closer slowly.

Lexa knows that she is in too deep.

She knows that Clarke is, too.

For a moment she thinks she may be able to read the twirling emotions behind the blonde’s eyes, but she is not sure what is going on in the student’s head as she walks closer.

“It doesn’t matter what I want, Clarke.” She takes a step back. She can’t be this close to her student anymore, she can’t because she knows that _that_ will be the only thing that will let her cave in.

She can feel the warmth of the blonde’s body already as the blonde keeps pursuing her, she can inhale her scent and it’s driving her insane. “It doesn’t matter what I want. We can’t do this.”

“It _does_ matter what you want.” Clarke seems to grow more frustrated and Lexa purses her lips, tightening her jaw. The student walks closer, backing the brunette back into her room until there is no place left for her to go.

Even though she can almost feel Clarke against her, there is only really one thing going through her mind.

 _Head over heart_.

“It doesn’t.” Lexa snaps, now done with all of this. She is done with feeling things for Clarke, she is done with the blonde being in her personal space all the time, looking at Lexa like she is the world.

She can’t handle that. She can’t be _near_ the blonde without wanting to kiss her, without wanting to hold her and it is so fucking wrong and frustrating and Lexa is just about ready to snap again.

She has made the mistake of pursuing Clarke first, but only when she thought the blonde was is need of help. But Lexa shouldn’t have gone as far as she did. She got involved too much and she developed feelings for the strong student.

She feels disgusting because of it. It’s her student. Her relationship with Clarke is supposed to be professional.

She has regretted nothing more than letting the blonde into her life this much.

“Please, _leave_.” Lexa grits her teeth, trying to look as intimidating and angry as possible. It doesn’t seem to do anything to the blonde.

Her eyes are just as focused on Lexa as before.

“I can feel that there is more, Lexa. Convince me I am _wrong_ , and I’ll leave you alone.” She simply says, now so close to Lexa that the brunette can feel her minty breath in her face.

Her eyes so fucking bright blue, Lexa has to look away. She knows that Clarke is her only weak spot right now. She can’t give in. She won’t.

It is _wrong_.

The brunette reaches out to place her hand on Clarke’s chest, keeping her arm stretched to hold the distance, gently pushing the blonde into the direction of the door.

She ignores how soft Clarke’s skin feels under her palm, how incredibly tempting it is to lean in and just kiss her. In this moment that is all Lexa can think about.

“I won’t convince you of anything, Clarke. The only thing I am saying right now is that this needs to end.” Lexa shakes her head, maybe talking more to herself than the blonde.

“It shouldn’t.” Clarke scrapes her throat, Lexa’s hand still on her chest. “It shouldn’t need to end.”

“It shouldn’t have started in the first place.” Lexa can’t take the look on Clarke’s face.

The disappointment and hurt in the blonde’s eyes is like a stab to Lexa’s heart.

Clarke’s back is against the door, making it impossible for her to leave.

The teacher isn’t able to move back, her eyes searching something desperately in Clarke’s face.

She can feel the student’s heart race under her palm, only now noticing that Clarke has gotten rid of her jacket, leaving her in a low-cut sweater.

She doesn’t remove her hand, frozen in silence as her eyes look into those blue, imploring orbs.

She barely registers Clarke’s hands moving up to cup her face, not until the soft skin connects with Lexa’s own. She leans into the touch, needing it so badly she is about to just fall into the blonde’s arms.

But she holds in, she stands there, moving her own hand, only to wrap her fingers around Clarke’s wrist. She brings the blonde’s hand to her mouth, pressing a feather light kiss against her palm.

When she opens her eyes, the blonde looks at her with such admiration she can’t speak. She can’t find the words – her mind has gone blank and all she knows is Clarke.

Only inches apart, Lexa hates the distance. She closes the gap between them, pressing her body flush against Clarke, leaning her forehead against hers.

It feels so fucking intimate that Lexa’s heart feels like it’s about to burst.

Clarke lets her forearms lean on the teacher’s shoulders, her hands playing with the baby hairs at the nape of Lexa’s neck.

“Just tell me one thing, Lexa.” The blonde forces Lexa to look into her eyes. “Tell me that I am not crazy. Tell me that you care about me, too.”

“You know that I do, Clarke.” Lexa murmurs, hating how they are so close, yet so far apart. “You know I do.”

“Then why can’t we just _be_?” Clarke’s voice is soft, quiet and vulnerable, her eyes sad as they keep staring into Lexa’s.

“Because I won’t risk my career _and_ yours for this, Clarke.”

 _Because I am terrified, because I don’t know how to love. Because I don’t know **how** to be_.

Shaking her head, Lexa knows that she should step back. So that is exactly what she does.

The moment her body isn’t against the blonde’s, Lexa feels empty.

Incomplete.

“Then I know enough.” Clarke sniffs, clenching her jaw as she turns to open the door, leaving before Lexa has a chance to say more.

“Clarke…” she stands there, watching the door closing, her hands hanging lifelessly by her sides, her shoulders dropping as she knows that she is completely alone.

Just like before, she slides down against the door, falling into her previous position as she hugs her knees.

She doesn’t notice the tears that stream down her face as she lets the emptiness fall over her.

She doesn’t notice she is sobbing when she realises how she just ruined about everything she cares about the most.

\\\

She hasn’t slept at all. Her mind kept racing. Did she make the right choice? Was she right by pushing Clarke away even though she wants her so badly?

She is down at the breakfast hall before anybody else is even there, sitting at a table alone, staring outside in the darkness of the city, waiting for the sun to rise.

“Ma’am?” a voice sounds, and the brunette looks up. “Breakfast isn’t served until eight. That is…” checking his watch, the hotel employee smiles awkwardly. “… more than an hour away.”

“I know. Can I just sit here?”

“Uhm, sure.” He scrapes his throat, quietly backing off as Lexa continues to stare into the street outside.

She is cold, so she pulls the sleeves of her thick turtleneck over her hands, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

Traffic is already buzzing through the city, it’s snowing lightly and the teacher tries to enjoy the beautiful view she has.

She can’t help but wonder, watching pedestrians walk by - what their stories are. Is love this hard for everybody? Do they have somebody to share their lives with?

Or is she the only one pushing it away as hard as she can?

Is she the only one so fucked up that she can’t figure out what to do? Because that is what this feels like.

Her thoughts race through her mind, distracting her from what is really important.

But then, she wonders what _is_. What _is_ important? What matters? Career? Family? Love? What is she supposed to put first?

Her mind wanders off, to her parents. They would know what to do. They would have had the right advice. They would be there to support her no matter what she would choose.

The thought almost makes her cry. She feels lonely, realising how long it has been that she has allowed herself to imagine her parents right there with her. She has kept herself away from that, trying to be busy with other things, distracting herself.

And she knows she still has mourning to do. She knows she isn’t even close to recovering. She has been pushing it away as far as she could for so long, but everything with Clarke just makes it all seem so much more intense, so much more heartbreaking and Lexa isn’t sure how much more aching she can handle.

She just isn’t able to put it all away like she could, before.

And she knows she broke Clarke’s heart. She could see it in those blue eyes. And maybe, that is the thing that hurts Lexa the very _most_.

“I didn’t expect to see you here this early.” Nyko’s voice sounds, making Lexa look up, trying to lighten up her heavy heart.

“I couldn’t sleep. You’re early, too.” She smiles, watching him pull out the chair across the wooden table, sitting down to lean his elbows on the table.

He wears a navy sweatshirt, his beard shorter than Lexa has ever seen before. He smiles kindly, his eyes sparkling.

“I am always early.” He grins. “Morning person.”

“I see. I just… I guess my sleeping routine has been a little fucked up ever since we got here.”

“Buslag?” he jokes, making Lexa chuckle while she shakes her head.

“That is such a terrible dad joke, Nyko.”

“It is not! You are laughing.”

“Only because it’s so terrible.” She smirks, glad that she isn’t alone anymore. It is as if Nyko can sense that something is up, but he doesn’t ask anything. Instead, he tries to distract the brunette from whatever is bothering her, much to her amusement.

They chat a little, going over the schedule of the day.

“So, today we guide the students through the city separately.” He simply says, grabbing a few papers out of the bag he brought.

“Have you prepared for your students?” he refers to her modern arch students, knowing that Lexa will take her students through the city herself.

“Have you met me? Of course I have.”

“Oh, you don’t have to get all sassy on me.” He laughs lightly. “Alright, good. We take them after breakfast. Shall we meet up for lunch then?”

“Of course. We can call once we’re done. And this afternoon we go to the architecture museum, right?” Lexa grabs the schedule again.

“Yes. I am sure they will love that.” He smiles, his eyes lighting up when he spots something behind Lexa.

“Clarke, Octavia. You are early this morning.” Nyko smiles happily, gesturing for the girls to join the teachers at the table.

Lexa bites her lips in frustration. She can feel somebody sitting next to her. She is simply glad that Octavia chose to sit next to Nyko, giving Lexa the opportunity to avoid eye-contact with the other student beside her.

But she can _feel_ Clarke. She can feel the warmth of her body, driving Lexa insane. She tries to shrug it off, glad that Octavia starts to chat a bit about what they are going to do today.

Slowly, more students join them in the breakfast hall, sitting over different tables while Clarke and Octavia remain at the teachers’ table.

When Lexa returns after grabbing a toast, sitting down again, she notices that Clarke has only shuffled her chair further away from her and she tries to ignore how much it hurts.

Thankfully, breakfast is over quickly, leaving them to get ready for their day in the city.

It is still snowing, now a little more and Lexa wraps her scarf around her neck tightly as she guides her students through the city.

She tries to ignore the blonde, but Clarke keeps staring at her, a painful look on her face that makes Lexa feel worse by the second.

But she manages to hide it. She manages to speak about the buildings and the entire city passionately, answering questions from the eager students among the group.

They walk through a neighbourhood they haven’t been before – a little further away from the centre of the city.

But they walk beside a canal, feeling the cold as Lexa chats with her students about their assignment. They are wrapped up in a deep conversation about design when the teacher catches Clarke’s empty stare.

She purses her lips when she notices how there is pain written on the blonde’s face. She hates that she is the one that put both of them in this situation, but she just didn’t have a choice.

There was nothing she could do differently. The only thing she did wrong was caring in the first place.

Finding Clarke on the pavement in the parking lot, talking to her personally, more often than they should have.

But she knows Clarke. She knows the way she thinks and it is killing her to know that Clarke is so unhappy right now.

As they make their way through the city, Lexa tries to find a place to stop shortly to warm themselves up.

She finds a coffeeshop, pushing all the students inside as they grab a cup of coffee.

Lexa is pressed into the corner of the small coffeeshop, due to all the students and other customers.

She escapes to the bathroom, locking herself up in a stall for a moment.

She needs to _breathe_.

She can’t. Not when Clarke is around her, not when she keeps catching that blue gaze. It is suffocating her and she has no idea why.

She leans her head back against the wall, closing her eyes to try to control her breathing. Why is it so fucking hard to just let go?

 _Perhaps because you are meant to be_.

She ignores the thought, burying it deep away so she knows she will never think that again. She can’t ever think that again.

They simply can’t be, they are not allowed and Lexa knows it more than anybody else.

She bites her lips, sighing deeply before stepping out of the stall, splashing some water in her face. She just tries to remind herself that after Chicago, things might ease down a bit.

That she can keep her respective distance from the blonde. It seems so impossible here, on this trip and she hates how slow the time passes.

Seeing herself in the mirror, she can barely look at herself. She feels disgusting. She feels hopeless.

She tries to shrug it off, washing her hands, when the door opens.

“Lexa.” Octavia walks in, a surprised look on her face. “Is everything alright?”

“Uh, yes. I just didn’t sleep so well last night.” Lexa quietly admits in all honesty, hoping that the student will let it go.

“Does it have anything to do with the fact that you and Clarke kissed?” Octavia only smiles, her face more amused than angry, her green eyes piercing when they meet Lexa’s.

“What?” Lexa watches the student carefully, suddenly alert.

“She told me.” The dark-haired girl leans against the door, as if she is trying to hold it for anybody that might disturb them.

“Of course she did.” Lexa groans, almost rolling her eyes.

“You care about her.” The student states, her voice softer than before, not judging and Lexa knows she won’t tell anybody.

“More than I should.”

“That makes two of you.” She bounces back smoothly, crossing her arms in front of her chest. “I might be young, Lexa, but I am not blind. You two just have this strange connection that I couldn’t quite put my finger on, not until Clarke came into the room in last night, crying as if she just had her heart broken into a thousand pieces.”

“She what?” the teacher’s heart aches instantly. She hates how she has to physically stop herself from dragging Clarke into the restroom to hug her, hold her close and remind her that everything will be alright – one way or another.

“See, _that_?” Octavia smiles, walking a bit forward into Lexa’s direction, placing her hand on the brunette’s forearm soothingly. “That is exactly what I am talking about. I think you are making a mistake.”

“Octavia, you know that teachers and students can’t be together.”

“I am well aware of that.” The other girl rolls her eyes, but smiles nonetheless. “But is that worth losing her over?”

“I didn’t even _have_ her in the first place. I barely _know_ her.” Hissing, Lexa hates how she is being pushed into Clarke’s direction.

But what she hates the most, is that this quiet voice in her head telling her that Octavia _might_ be right.

_What if?_

“You don’t have to know anybody to love them, Lexa. Just… don’t break her heart again. She can only take so much.”

Before Lexa has a chance to reply, the student turns on her heels, escaping the restroom.

Shaking her head, the teacher feels stuck. She has no idea what to do anymore.

Only time will tell.

\\\

The rest of the day is better. At lunch, the entire group meets up again and Lexa is stuck with a curious Monroe, Jasper and Monty. They just keep asking her about her career, why she has chosen teaching over working at the firm she left.

And she happily talks them through it. She tells them about her team, about the jobs she’s had, the projects she has worked on. She tells them how much she loves teaching, how it is so much more fulfilling than just designing buildings.

And they all listen to her, attention pointed to her as the group listens to her speak.

She catches Clarke’s gaze multiple times, realising that the blonde is listening to her stories, too.

But she gets wrapped up in a conversation with Monty and Jasper.

Lexa learns about Jasper that he is mostly studying architecture because he wanted to be with Monty. Apparently, those two have been best friends ever since they were old enough to speak and Lexa doesn’t blame Jasper for doing what he did.

She just hopes that he will grow to love it, but he sure seems interested enough so far and she knows he has been getting good grades. And Monty was supposed to study engineering, but he preferred the designing over engineering.

Monroe simply likes drawing and structures and Lexa feels a certain pride when she speaks to her students, discussing their dream jobs, the possibilities and their talents.

They talk about the assignment that they have for the week and Lexa knows every single building that they have chosen, trying to give them tips without spoiling too much.

But while she speaks, Lexa can feel the blonde stare at her, multiple times. She tries not to look, but every time she glances over, green meets blue.

It hurts.

It hurts Lexa that she can’t be able to _be_ with Clarke, that she broke her heart and that Clarke is looking at her right now, that sadness and emptiness in her eyes that Lexa feels in her own heart.

It is then, that Nyko stands up to pay for lunch. All the students grab their jackets and their bags as Lexa guides them out of the restaurant, towards the museum they are going to.

Lexa knows exactly where she is going – she has been to the Chicago Architecture Center more times than she can count. She may have only been to Chicago a few times, but she visited the Museum almost every day that she spent in the big city.

They walk as it snows, vapour escaping their mouths as Lexa follows the road beside the canal, seeing the Trump Tower in the distance. She can only smile.

Despite the fact that her mind continues to wander off to a certain someone, she thoroughly enjoys the city.

The cars driving through the snow carefully, the strangers she walks past on the pavement, the buildings that she mostly knows by heart, the canals, the stores, everything captures her attention.

She loves this city so fucking much. She loves the stories that it holds, the history and the mystery about certain parts that she has yet to figure out.

She loves it all.

And so, they step into the Museum near the Trump Tower. The hall is huge, marble floors as they instantly see a model of the entire city of Chicago.

It is made from white material and the students instantly walk there, observing it, trying to figure out which building they like the most and which places they recognize.

Nyko stays with them mostly, speaking to them, while Lexa already walks just slightly ahead of them, watching an exhibit with photography of the most famous buildings in the city.

She needs the quiet. She needs the peace and quiet, even though it is only for a short moment.

Her hands clasped behind her back, she reads every single explanation, taking all the time she needs as she distracts herself from what is really going on in her mind.

“I want to move here someday.”

Somebody startles her, and as she glances aside, she is met with those blue orbs that she adores.

“Me, too.” Lexa admits quietly. The blonde stands next to her, closer than she has to and the teacher doesn’t know what to think of it. “I figured that you were still angry with me.”

“I have never been angry with you, Lexa.” Clarke murmurs, looking at the same picture that Lexa has been looking at seconds before.

But the brunette keeps glancing aside, loving how beautiful her student looks.

“I hurt you.” Lexa shakes her head, smiling a painful smile as she is ready to walk away, but Clarke stops her.

“I understand _why_ you did it. I get it, I really do. I hope you know that.” Her husky voice is so soft that Lexa barely recognizes it, but it melts her heart.

Before she can say more, the blonde turns on her heels, returning to the group.

Lexa sighs deeply, her heart aching only more. The desperation running through her veins drives her insane as she can’t stop thinking about the whole situation. Why can’t she just let it go?

She follows the group through the building, listening to guides, watching them interact with each other as they learn.

She only remains silent and stays at a distance to give them all the time and space that they need, but close enough to keep an eye on them.

But all the students seem focused, loving every single bit of the exhibition and Lexa can only smile.

She watches how Clarke goes through the building, just as thoroughly as Lexa did every time she came here. The blonde seems eager to take it all in and it softens the brunette’s heart.

But the afternoon goes by, and they all decide to eat at the restaurant in the hotel, too tired to still search a restaurant. As they make their way back through the city, darkness falls and Lexa can feel the snow in her curls.

There is a strange feeling of relief washing over her when she catches the blonde looking at her – this time not sad or hurt, but rather smiling with a small sparkle in her gorgeous eyes.

Lexa has no idea what changed exactly, but she is happy that Clarke seems happy. That is all she really wants for her.

And so, they eat at the hotel, taking their time as they are quite tired from the day. Lexa distances herself from Clarke, refusing to even look into her direction. She is the first to excuse herself to go up her room to take a long, hot bath as she closes her eyes.

She listens to her favourite music, trying to remind herself that everything will be alright.

Trying to figure out what she has to do to get over this. To get over Clarke.

She is not sure that she will be ever able to get over her, though. Not when she can’t keep a healthy distance. Not when she is around the blonde so much she is forced to think about it. Think about _her_.

That is when an idea forms in her head.

It doesn’t leave until she decides to get out of the bath, into bed when she grabs her iPad.

Lexa watches some Netflix before finally being able to fall asleep.

\\\

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sidenote; things might get angsty from here on out. please keep an eye on the tags that might be added along the way. stuff will happen that might be a bit intense. not this chapter but the ones after, so please be warned!  
> the only thing you should remember is that it has a happy ending.


	7. chicago pt. IV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> snowstorm starts.

\\\

The next morning they simply stroll through the city, as the students are being guided by the teachers to work on their assignment. Nyko and Lexa have prepared some speeches, small and simple lessons about structures and reasons why architects choose certain things for their buildings, wanting to inspire their students.

It goes by quickly and in the afternoon, the students get back into the city on their own, or go to the hotel.

Lexa and Nyko go to a café to play some pool, trying to relax a little.

The brunette however fails at that.

Badly.

“You have been weird since yesterday.” Nyko states, leaning over the table to make a precise shot. His tongue out of his mouth in concentration, his left leg in the air for the perfect balance, his shot is still crap.

Lexa has her hands wrapped around her cue stick so tightly, her knuckles turn white. She barely registers that it is her turn, not until Nyko taps her on the shoulder.

“Lexa, what is going on?” he asks worriedly, watching how the brunette leans over the table, only to take a terrible shot, making one of the balls fall to the ground.

“Nothing, I am good.” She mumbles, standing op again to lean her chin on the cue.

“That is bullshit and we both know it.” Nyko states simply, taking another shot, better than last time.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” She purses her lips, trying to avoid eye contact, because she knows that once she looks into his kind, worriedly blue eyes, she will cave in.

And she cannot tell him. He is her colleague and he will be obligated to tell the school board. And Lexa knows for ninety-five percent sure, that he won’t. Which makes him a liar. She refuses to put him in that position.

“Is this about Clarke?”

Snapping her head up, she looks at him now – an intimidating look that she is not all too proud of. As in response, he raises his hands in innocence, a tiny grin on his face.

“How do you know?”

“Maybe because I saw how the two of you sat at the table yesterday morning. I have never seen you so tight up, not saying anything, glancing over at her more than a hundred times.”

Groaning, Lexa leans against the pool table, pinching the bridge of her nose. “I fucked up, Nyk.”

“How fucked up can it really be?” he wonders aloud, leaning against the table by her side. Both leaning on their cue’s, Lexa sighs deeply.

“As in, I have kissed a student. As in, her _friend_ encourages me to _be_ with her because apparently, we have chemistry.”

Nyko only chuckles, but shuts up when his eyes meet Lexa’s frustrated glare.

“Look, Lexa, I will never judge you, you know that. You can trust me. And I trust you, which is exactly why I am telling you this.”

“Telling me what?” Lexa’s eyes are on the man beside her, the colleague she admires the most.

“I once had an affair with a student.” He shrugs easily, but Lexa’s jaw drops, her eyes wide as she almost drops her cue.

“You what?!”

“It ended about six years ago. He was different – he was older than the rest of his class, highly intelligent and I could not stop my feelings for him.”

Nyko puts his cue away, putting Lexa's away as well as he puts on his jacket.

“Wow.” Lexa simply breathes, following the man in his movements, taking her own jacket, scarf and gloves.

As they step outside, snow has covered the city in a subtle white layer, but Lexa can tell that more snow will fall this day.

“Why did it end?” burying her hands in her pockets, she walks shoulder to shoulder with the man.

“He was about to graduate. He didn’t care as much about me as I did about him.”

“I am sorry.” Lexa’s voice is soft and genuine, but she can’t help but wonder where this is going. “Why are you telling me this?”

“I made a mistake back then, Lexa. I was blind. I didn’t see that he was just using me to get higher grades, to get information about certain tests. I was blinded by my love for him.”

“You think that Clarke is the same?”

“Absolutely not, Lexa. That is exactly the reason why I am telling you this – Clarke cares. She cares about you more than I have ever seen anybody care about myself, I could see it in her eyes.”

Swallowing, Lexa lacks words. She opens her mouth to speak, but nothing comes out of it.

“You care about her just as much as she cares about you, Lexa.”

“Stop doing that.”

“Doing what?” Nyko stops walking, pulling Lexa closer to a building to shield themselves from the falling snow. His eyes are sterner than Lexa has ever seen.

“Stop giving me hope. Stop pushing me into her direction.” The brunette simply hisses, looking down at the pavement, her shoes covered in dirty snow.

“That is not what I am doing.” Shaking his head, he places a few gloved fingers underneath Lexa’s chin, making bright green eyes looking into piercing blue ones.

“Then what are you doing?” Lexa almost snaps, but softens when she sees the worry behind his eyes.

“I am telling you this, Lexa; a teacher-student relationship is forbidden. It is forbidden for many reasons - which I have experienced myself. But when I look at you, the way you look at Clarke and the way she looks at you – it is nothing like my affair. You two _care_. I made a mistake and I want you to _not_ make a mistake.”

“I already made the mistake for falling, Nyko.” Frightened by her own words, realisation dawns upon her. She cares for Clarke. It goes beyond caring in a certain way, it goes beyond just friendship.

It goes beyond almost everything that Lexa knows and she realises that this is a once in a lifetime feeling. Her eyes wide in shock, Nyko smiles as he hears what she just said.

“Look, the time, the situation… it is inconvenient. It is the worst timing in the world, but love is never a mistake, Lexa. I know I should not encourage you to do this, I know it is wrong according to the rules we have to follow, but I do want to tell you – please, think about this. Think about your heart, about _her_ heart. I think that chemistry doesn’t even begin to describe whatever it is that is going on between you.”

“Gee, thanks for the advice, dad.”

“Shut up, Woods.” Nyko laughs, but it quickly falls. “Do what you have to do. I will always have your back, okay?”

Nodding, Lexa feels like the weight of the world is falling from her shoulders. “Thank you.”

“Now, let us find a place to eat dinner.”

\\\

“This snowstorm is getting pretty bad.” Nyko states as they make their way into a restaurant on the top floor of a skyscraper, offering them the best view of the city.

They watch how the sky outside turns darker with the second. It is only four in the afternoon, but it looks like it’s midnight.

“I just hope that we are able to get home Saturday.” Lexa grabs the espresso she ordered, downing it quickly, needing the caffeine to wake her up. The fact that she didn’t sleep the past few nights is catching up with her quickly as the day progresses.

“Maybe I should make arrangement for us to stay longer.” He sounds worried, checking his phone. “I am also worried about the students.”

“I will just send a text in the group.” Lexa already takes her phone, writing out a simple text, asking where everybody is and if everybody is okay, that she and Nyko are in a restaurant downtown where they can join.

One by one, replies start rolling in and students start joining them at the restaurant in the skyscraper. They wait for over an hour, sipping on their drinks.

Lexa keeps track of everybody. But when everybody seems to have settled, she only counts thirty heads, instead of thirty-two.

“Clarke and Octavia.” She mutters, checking her phone to see if they responded, but neither girl has been online in the past two hours.

Without hesitation, she dials Clarke’s number.

“Lexa?” the blonde’s voice sounds distressed, making Lexa’s heart beating rapidly in an instant.

“Clarke? Where are you?”

“We are in Grant Park, but we…” the blonde gasps heavily.

“Talk to me.”

“Octavia fell in the snow, I think her ankle might be broken. But I can’t get her anywhere, I am not strong enough. We need help.”

“Have you called an ambulance?” Lexa is instantly worried, standing up to put on her jacket, but she lingers near her seat.

“Yeah, but it isn’t a life threatening situation and most roads here are basically blocked because of all the traffic.”

“What building do you see? The nearest one? Just try to make your way over there and I will meet you there, okay? You can’t stay out in the cold.”

“Uh, I think there’s a hotel. Plaza something?”

“Try to go there, I’ll meet you there, okay? If anything happens, call me.” Hanging up the phone, Lexa watches how all the students are looking at her.

“Clarke and Octavia ran into some problems. They need some help, so I’ll go. You guys can eat.” She only states.

The brunette knows that Grant Park is only a few blocks away from the restaurant. She has to go. She has to make sure that they are okay.

“Let me go with you.” Nyko already stands, but Lexa pushes him back into his chair.

“Somebody needs to stay with them.”

“At least take Murphy with you or something.” Nyko mumbles. “You can’t go there alone.”

“Alright, Murphy, let’s go.” Lexa hurriedly tries to get the boy to come with her, but he refuses.

“Yeah, how about no? Why not take anybody else?” he rolls his eyes, clearly not impressed by the situation.

“I’ll go.” Monty stands up from his chair, putting his coat on without a word.

Lexa purses her lips, nodding gratefully.

“I’ll call you when I can.” She nods, almost running towards the elevator with the boy.

They don’t speak as they go down, almost running into the city that has turned to chaos in the unexpected heavy storm.

Traffic is stuck, there are barely pedestrians and the way the snow falls is almost too much, blinding them almost completely. The wind is cold and rough and Lexa simply hooks her arm with Monty’s, in order not to lose him.

They walk fast, not speaking as the noise of the city around them is too loud.

They have to be careful, the pavements are slippery and the cold is almost too much for them. They shiver, walking close together to make their way over to the building that Clarke indicated they’d go to.

It takes them twenty minutes, something that usually should take about five.

When they enter the building, there is nobody to be seen.

There is somebody sitting behind the reception.

“Can I help you, ma’am?” the woman speaks with a kind smile on her face.

“Have you seen two girls here? A blonde and one with black hair?” she asks quickly, already grabbing a paper.

“No, nobody has been here since the storm started. I’m sorry.”

“Do you have a pen?” Lexa looks around behind the woman’s desk. The woman simply nods, handing her a crappy pen.

Lexa quickly scribbles down her number. “Call me if you see them, please.”

“Is everything alright?” the woman seems genuinely worried.

“They got hurt in the storm and now they are currently MIA. Medical help can’t come because the entire city is stuck, so no, everything is not alright. Thanks for your troubles.” Lexa rants, quickly dragging Monty out of the building. They stand for a moment near the door.

She grabs her phone, calling Clarke again, but it goes straight to voicemail.

“Try Octavia.” Monty urges, but Lexa is already on it.

“Not answering either. They said they were in Grant Park. The park is big, but we can search them.”

“Maybe we should split up, that could go faster.” Monty opts, but Lexa shakes her head, already hooking her arm with his.

“There is no way in hell that I am letting you go in there alone.”

They step outside, and Lexa tries to look around. “Why the fuck is it so big here?”

She tries to think of where Clarke and Octavia would go in Grant Park, but she can’t think of anything.

“We have to be fast.” Lexa mumbles, dragging Monty through the middle of the park. “You look right, I’ll look left.”

As they make their way through the growing pile of snow, Lexa feels how fucking cold it is. Her eyes sting, her fingers and toes are numb and she feels crappy.

Maybe it’s the worry that makes her feel nauseous, but she has no idea. She needs to find them.

They are almost near the road, wanting to cross them to go to the water line, when Lexa spots them.

“Over there!” she yells, basically dragging Monty with her as they run.

They shield their eyes from the snow, as Lexa spots the two girls near a bench, clearly trying to make their way to the hotel.

But Lexa is near them quickly, catching Octavia as she nearly falls to the ground.

“Lexa? Monty?” both Clarke and Octavia look surprised. Octavia looks tired, holding onto Lexa for dear life.

Clarke doesn’t waste time as she slings her arms around Lexa’s shoulders, pulling her in for a hug as the brunette still tries to hold onto Octavia.

“We have to go. You guys have been out here for too long. You could get hypothermic.” Just like that, Lexa scoops Octavia up in her arms while Monty and Clarke hooks their arms, the four of them making their way through the large park.

All Lexa knows is relief. Relief that they are alright, that they are alive and seemingly well, but Octavia keeps groaning in pain, her arms tightly around the teachers neck.

They move slowly, Lexa can feel the snow in her face, the rough edges of the flakes make it feel like they’re cutting their way into her skin.

“Fuck.” She mutters when it starts in her eyes too. She is forced to let Octavia go for a moment and before she knows it, Clarke is by her side, checking up on her.

“I’m fine. It’s just in my eyes.” Lexa breathes, leaning her hands on her knees as Monty supports Octavia.

Blinking several times, Lexa tries to ignore the pain in her eyes, but it doesn’t seem to fade, making her basically blind.

“I can’t see.” She stands up straight, rubbing her eyes. It helps lightly.

It is then, that she notices Clarke’s arm around her waist, guiding her through the park.

Lexa lifts her own arm to wrap it around the blonde’s shoulder, needing the support and the warmth.

She tries to find Monty and Octavia, but they are ahead of the two other women.

“I am sorry that we brought you into this position.” Clarke mumbles so quietly, it almost fades with the cold, harsh wind.

But the teacher hears it.

“Don’t be sorry, Clarke. Don’t ever be sorry.” She tries to glance beside her, but her eyes are so fucking teary that her vision is blurry.

They struggle through the snow for the next ten minutes, Lexa leaning on Clarke more than she has to.

Her mind is elsewhere. The only thing she can think of is two nights ago, how the blonde’s lips had felt on her own, fitting so perfectly, tasting so fucking good. The warmth spreads through Lexa’s chest and she has to think of what Nyko and Octavia said to her earlier.

She can see Monty and Octavia in front of them, trying to keep a close eye on them.

“I am sorry, Clarke.” Lexa then whispers. She is sorry for everything. Sorry that she can’t help Clarke more. Sorry that she put the blonde in this position. Sorry that she led the student on and shutting her out only minutes later. Sorry for breaking her heart.

Sorry that she _fell_ for her.

“For what?” Clarke slows a little, looking up at the brunette. Her nose is red, her eyes just as teary as Lexa’s and she is so fucking beautiful, even in the darkness of the snowstorm.

“For everything.” Her heart aches and she has to look away. “I wish it could have been different.”

“That what could have been different?”

“Us.” Biting her lip, Lexa sniffs, her nose running due to the cold.

“I wish that too, Lexa. But mostly I wish that you hadn’t decided for me.” She sounds heartbreaking, her voice soft and low as she stares in front of her.

"Decided for you?” surprised, the brunette quirks a brow.

“You said the other day that you wouldn’t risk your _and_ my career. The only thing you should be deciding is if you want to risk your _own_ career. Mine has nothing to do with it.”

“You don’t know what will happen if they might find out if you’d have an affair with a teacher, Clarke. It could ruin everything. Nobody wants the girl who sleeps her way up.” Lexa hates how it sounds, a bitter taste in her mouth, but she knows it is the truth.

“I am not sleeping my way up.” Clarke mutters angrily, but her arm tightens around the brunette’s waist.

“I know you are not, Clarke. But can you imagine that if they would find out, how it looks like to the outside? People will make assumptions and you won’t be able to build your career. Not even with all the talent and potential that you have.” She mumbles, feeling how the blonde only starts walking faster again.

“I can imagine that.” She only says, her lips pursed. “But still, Lexa. You shouldn’t have decided that for me.”

To that, Lexa has nothing to say. They remain silent, crossing the street, almost at the hotel.

“I just don’t want to jeopardize anything, Clarke. I don’t want to ruin your life.”

“I know.” The blonde only smiles, but Lexa thinks she can see the sad desperation behind those blue eyes, still. Their conversation ends as they walk into the hotel, putting Octavia on a chair in the lobby.

“How are you feeling?” Lexa squats down in front of the girl, watching the student shiver.

“Cold.” She smiles, but tries to warm herself.

“Clarke? Could you perhaps hug her?” Lexa orders, walking towards the reception. A young woman with long, blonde hair sits behind it, looking up at the teacher with a genuine smile. It is the same woman that was here before.

“My student there got hurt. Are you okay if we stay here until we find a way to get her to a hospital?” she leans her forearms on the counter, sighing deeply. She is so fucking cold and she has no idea how to get the student to the hospital.

“But of course, ma’am.” She smiles, standing up.

“Oh, please, don’t call me ma’am. It’s just Lexa.” Smiling, Lexa watches how the receptionist winks at her.

Is she flirting?

“I am Ash. Can I get you some blankets perhaps?” she only keeps smiling, her light eyes kind and Lexa only smiles back, nodding gratefully.

She watches the hotel employee walk to the back, as she turns around herself to walk back to her students. Clarke has her arms wrapped around the dark-haired girl tightly, looking at Lexa with a disturbed look on her face.

“She was flirting with you.” Monty grins jokingly, sitting on Octavia’s other side in a fancy chair, his hands in his pockets.

“Shut it, Green.” Lexa laughs, sitting down beside him. “Thank you for coming with me.”

“Of course.” Monty smiles teasingly, making Lexa shake her head in amusement.

They sit, waiting for a moment. Lexa tries to call in an ambulance again, but they tell her that there are too many calls, the true emergencies going first.

“We have to find a way to get to a hospital.” Lexa only mumbles, standing up when Ash is walking in their direction, a wide smile on her face as she carries a few blankets.

She hands them to the girls in the one chair, while Lexa stands in front of them.

“Can I get you something hot? Tea? Coffee?” Ash is friendly, but Lexa raises her eyebrows in amusement when Clarke sends the receptionist an angry glare.

“Coffee.” Clarke only mutters.

“Tea.” Monty smiles and Octavia nods. “Tea for me, too.”

“I’ll walk with you.” Lexa takes off her jacket, putting it in her chair as she walks behind the hotel employee. “Thank you for helping us.”

“Of course, don’t worry about it. This snowstorm is the heaviest I have ever seen here.”

“I am afraid that we won’t be able to get back home this weekend.” Lexa smiles as Ash guides her to a coffee and tea machine.

“You said they were your students? Where are you from?”

“Polis University.” Lexa only smiles, grabbing hot water for Monty and Clarke, making coffee for herself.

“Never heard of it. What do you teach?”

“Architecture.”

“Hence a trip to Chicago.” The other woman smiles, bumping her shoulder with Lexa’s unintentionally.

“Yes. Architectural paradise.” The teacher grins, putting the cups in her hands when they are done.

They walk back, handing the drinks to the students.

Ash makes her way back behind the counter, helping a few guests as Lexa tries to figure out what to do. She googles on her phone, trying to find the nearest hospital.

“The closest hospital is only a few blocks away. Can you walk, Octavia?” Lexa glances aside, watching Clarke and Octavia cuddled together underneath the blanket. It makes her smile.

“Do we have another choice?” the Blake sibling replies, a pained look on her face.

“Not if we want to be fast.” Shaking her head, Lexa sips her coffee. “We can rest here a little, until you feel strong enough to move.”

“Okay.”

\\\

The walk to the hospital is figurative hell. If Lexa thought before that the storm couldn’t get worse – she was wrong.

It _is_ worse. The four of them walk together, Octavia between Lexa and Clarke, leaning heavily as they try not to fall on the slippery sidewalk.

Monty holds a phone as navigation, his left arm wrapped around Lexa’s waist to hold himself as steady as possible, trying to shield himself from the harsh wind.

Lexa is glad that she sees the entrance to the emergency room.

But just as much as there is chaos in the city, the emergency room isn’t much better.

They walk inside, glad that the hospital provides warmth, but it looks like it’s going to take a long time before they can help Octavia.

They do find three spots and Lexa puts her students there, grabbing her phone to call Nyko to update him about it.

“We are at a hospital. It is probably going to take a while before it’s our turn, though.” She walks towards the nurse behind the desk to announce Octavia.

She tells Nyko to eat without them, filling in forms for Octavia.

When she hangs up the phone, she hands the form to the nurse.

“How long do we have to wait?”

“With this chaos? An hour, maybe two. If there are more emergencies than it could take longer than that.”

“Well, shit.” Lexa grits her teeth. “And other hospitals nearby?”

“Probably the same, if not worse. I’m sorry ma’am, the city is at chaos right now. We have to save as many people as we can.”

“Right. Thank you.”

Turning around, Lexa can glance further into the emergency room, watching people run around, doctors, patients, families of patients.

There is no room for her to sit down, so she just leans against a wall, where she can watch the three students chatting lightly.

Octavia looks like she’s in pain and Clarke keeps glancing at Lexa.

And the teacher can’t help but smile every time. She thinks back of their conversation, still wondering if she did wrong.

Her feet hurt, her whole body aches, but she ignores it.

“Do you want to sit?” Monty already stands up but Lexa shakes her head.

“I’m good here.”

The phone in her pocket buzzes.

“Hello?”

“Lex, it’s Nyko. I checked the weather report. The storm will last for at least a few more days. I spoke to Gustus and he told me to extend our stay. Already booked the hotel until Monday.”

“Okay. Is the storm really that bad?”

“I am not sure if the city can handle it all. We might run into some problems if we try to leave too soon, so Gustus rather has that we are staying. How is Octavia?”

“We are still waiting to be helped. It is chaos here, Nyko. Looks like a battlefield.”

“Yeah, we just ate something. We are going to try to get back to the hotel so we can warm up there, stay for the night. Should I come to bring you food and pick Monty and Clarke up?”

“Yeah, I think I speak for all of us when I say we are starving. And yeah, you can take Monty and Clarke with you. I could stay with Octavia. But you don’t have to come if it’s too much trouble.”

“We will see. We are going to the hotel now. Take care and call me if you need me.”

“Will do. Same for you.”

She hangs up the phone, looking around, but it still looks like it’s going to take a while before Octavia will be helped. She slides down to the ground, sitting down because she can’t stand anymore.

She is stressed. This trip should’ve gone better. She should’ve watched the students better. First Jasper with his shoulder and now Octavia.

Maybe she isn’t suited for this.

“What are you thinking about?” Clarke’s husky voice sounds as the blonde sits down next to Lexa. She has given up her chair for an elderly woman, making Lexa smile.

“Nothing important.” She shakes her head, hugging her knees to get warmer. They ignore the sounds of the ER, sitting close together. Closer than they should.

Monty doesn’t seem to care as he is wrapped up in a conversation with Octavia, the two of them seeming to enjoy their time, for as far as possible in this situation.

“That look is not nothing.” The other girl mumbles, her shoulder against Lexa’s.

“I wonder how this trip isn’t even over yet, but how we already ended up in the hospital twice. Am I doing this wrong?”

“What? No, you are not doing this wrong, Lexa.” Shaking her head, Clarke shuffles even closer, if that is possible.

“Then how come we are here again?” Lexa leans her head back against the wall, sinking into Clarke lightly, needing the touches.

“Because there is snowstorm? Because we are adults and we have our own responsibilities? We are not kids, Lexa, and what Jasper did was his own stupid fault. What happened to Octavia was circumstantial.”

“Then why do I feel like I failed?” Lexa simply closes her eyes, trying to figure out where it went wrong. Maybe, she isn’t even talking about Jasper and Octavia.

Maybe it’s just about Clarke.

“Because you always try so hard to help people and sometimes you can’t control what happens, Lexa.” Clarke’s voice is so soft, so understanding that Lexa can’t help but glance at the woman beside her.

Clarke’s blue eyes are close – too close. Lexa can see her vulnerability, her openness and honesty. It hurts to look at that, those blue orbs that tell Lexa everything she needs to know.

The teacher remains silent, tearing her gaze away from the gorgeous blonde. Seeing Clarke like that close does many, many things to her. Her tiny nose, that smile on her kissable pink lips, the beauty mark above them and those fucking blue eyes.

Blue eyes that Lexa has grown addicted to. Blue eyes that she can read, even if she doesn’t want to.

“Have you spoken to your mother?” the teacher wonders aloud.

“No. She didn’t call me and I didn’t feel the need to call her.”

Nodding, Lexa understands. She remembers the conversations she’s had with the older Griffin.

“I hope that things will get better for you, Clarke.”

“I want to thank you again for what you did with my mother.” Clarke continues. “I wasn’t really able to, because Nyko showed up, but… I am really grateful that you said what you said.”

“You’re welcome, Clarke.” Lexa only smiles. She just hopes that the student’s mother will treat her daughter like she deserves.

“I, uh… I know that you don’t want me and I get that.” Clarke keeps talking and somehow, Lexa doesn’t mind. Even though this is way too personal and the blonde is spilling out her heart, Lexa doesn’t mind. Every little thing that she says is something small that makes Lexa getting to know her better. “So I will try to keep my distance.”

She shuffles away, wanting to stand up, but Lexa stops her, grabbing her wrist. She pulls the blonde back down, in the exact same spot they sat before.

“I never said that I didn’t want you, Clarke.” Her voice as quiet as a whisper, already regretting the words falling out of her mouth. She hates how Clarke looks up at her with hope-filled eyes. “I said that we simply _can’t_.”

“You keep saying that.”

“There are rules for a reason, Clarke.” Lexa only smiles.

“I know.” The blonde shakes her head in disappointment, leaning in so she can whisper. “But that doesn’t stop me from _wanting_ you. It doesn’t stop me from fantasizing about _you_ in my bed and-”

“Stop.” Lexa breathes. She can’t handle this. She can’t handle the blonde doing things like that, saying things that makes Lexa want to drag her to the restroom and kiss her like her life depends on it, maybe do even more than that.

The grin on Clarke’s face is smug, making Lexa shake her head in light amusement.

“Couldn’t stop myself.” She only mumbles, grinning back at Lexa.

“You’re an idiot.” Lexa laughs quietly, noticing a nurse walking up to Octavia.

The nurse takes the dark-haired girl into a room and Lexa is glad that they are finally able to help her.

It is exactly then, that Nyko steps into the ER, a beanie on his head, covered in snow, his beard as well.

It makes Lexa chuckle as she stands up carefully.

“She is just being treated.” Lexa says, giving the teacher a hug. She is relieved to see him. “Should we have watched them better?”

“There was nothing we could do, Lexa. We can hardly check every student constantly. It isn’t your fault.” He smiles.

He glances beside Lexa, to Clarke still sitting on the floor and Monty in a chair, his eyes closed as if he’s dozing off.

“Shall I take them? Or will you take them that I will take Octavia once they are done with her?” Nyko opts.

Lexa is pretty tired, but she doesn’t want to put this on Nyko’s shoulders.

“You can take them. I’ll stay.”

“You’ll never get her to the hotel alone.” Clarke is suddenly behind her. “I can stay too. She’s my friend.”

Nyko looks between the two women. “Alright. Before I forget, I brought you food.”

He hands a paper bag to Lexa.

“Just some hamburgers.”

“Thanks.” Lexa only smiles as the other teacher walks to Monty to wake him up.

As Monty and Nyko leave, Lexa and Clarke find a place to sit more comfortably. Thankfully, two seats open up quickly and they drop themselves there, starting to eat a few hamburgers.

“God, I needed this.” Clarke groans, making Lexa smile lightly.

“Strange day.”

“Strange week.” The blonde bounces back, stealing glances of the teacher.

“I won’t fight you on that one.” Lexa only chuckles. It is a strange week. Much has happened, even though the week isn’t even over yet.

“I was just wondering…” Clarke starts, finishing her hamburger.

“Yes?”

“Do you think that I will ever get to kiss you again?”

Lexa chokes on her hamburger, coughing as Clarke laughingly pats her on the back. She doesn’t retract when Lexa calms down, her arm casually leaning on the back of the teacher’s chair.

“I refuse to answer that.” Lexa only says, her voice raw as she tries to keep her face straight.

Clarke only grins.

“Stop. You’re doing it again.”

“Where is the harm in a little teasing, Lexa?”

“It’s highly inappropriate.” Lexa just says, lightly amused but she won’t show the blonde that.

Clarke just grins.

They wait in a comfortable silence for about half an hour more, before Octavia comes out a room with crutches.

“Good news is that it isn’t broken.” Octavia just grins as the two other women stand up from their respective chairs.

“Good. We have hamburgers for you.” Lexa gives Octavia the two last hamburgers, which the other girl eagerly eats. They sit down a moment, so Lexa can fill out the rest of the paperwork before they leave.

Once she is done, and Octavia finished the hamburgers, the three make their way outside, Octavia managing on her crutches as Clarke and Lexa are on both her sides just in case she might slip.

The snowstorm is just as harsh as before, but the three manage to get to the hotel within an hour.

Taking the elevator up, they barely speak. Octavia goes into her room first, and before the other two can comprehend what is happening, she is closing the door, locking the blonde out.

“O! What the fuck!” Clarke knocks on the door, but Lexa only shakes her head in amusement.

“You two just have fun.” Octavia sounds incredibly smug.

“That is very childish, Octavia.” Lexa just says, before tugging on Clarke’s sleeve, indicating that they should go to Lexa’s room.

“We can just dump our jackets here, and then we’ll go to the restaurant downstairs to drink something. Maybe order more food. I am still hungry.” Lexa states, quickly changing into a more comfortable hoodie, not realising that Clarke is still there to look at her.

The blonde can’t seem to stop looking at Lexa.

“You have abs.” the blonde simply says, her jaw almost on the floor.

“Uh, yeah.” Lexa lets out an awkward chuckle.

“Can I drink alcohol? Imma need it.” Clarke mutters to herself, placing her jacket on one of the free chairs in Lexa’s room.

“We’re both adults, Clarke. I think we can enjoy a glass of wine or beer.” Lexa is ready to go, refusing to stay in her room with the blonde any longer.

She can’t stop thinking about the things she wants to do to her so she knows it’s just best to go downstairs and be in a public room.

They take the elevator in silence. Lexa tries to ignore how good Clarke looks in her light blue sweater and tight pants.

She fails once again.

\\\

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a friendly reminder to keep track of the tags i put up. kinda scared that you guys might feel things will get too intense, but it is how i imagined this story.
> 
> things will get worse before they get better and it is still slow burn after all....


	8. chicago pt. V

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fuck it, you get two chapters tonight. you guys deserve it

\\\

Lexa orders red wine for the both of them. The rest of the students and Nyko apparently have gone to bed, but there are many people in the restaurant, probably stuck there because of the storm.

The restaurant stays open until midnight, giving Clarke and Lexa about an hour and a half to spend together.

“You know that was an expensive bottle of wine you just ordered, right?” Clarke leans back in her chair, relaxing a little.

Lexa only smiles. “It’s on me.”

“You always order fancy Italian wine?” Clarke teases from across the small table they share.

Lexa shoves her chair a little further away from the table so she can properly cross her legs, leaning into her chair heavily.

“Growing up with an Italian grandparent certainly ruined me in some way.” Lexa laughs.

“You’re Italian?”

“Just about twenty-five percent.” Smiling, Lexa can tell that Clarke is interested.

“Ever been to Italy?”

“Unfortunately, I never really had the opportunity. My grandmother died before I could take her back to her family.”

“You don’t have much family left, do you?” Clarke asks curiously, her blue eyes bright.

Lexa shakes her head. “Just my cousin Anya.”

A comfortable silence falls between them, the waiter bringing them two glasses and the wine.

For the first time, Lexa is able to enjoy spending time with Clarke. It is the first time that she doesn’t think about _what if_.

What if there will be more? What if she isn’t capable of _being_? What if?

For the first time in a long time, the teacher is able to let that go. She simply enjoys the moment with the student, who keeps looking at her with the tiniest smile tugging on the corner of her lips.

“How have you been holding up?” Lexa asks, taking a sip of the red wine.

“What do you mean?”

“I understand if you don’t want to talk about it, but I meant with your father’s death. Your mother. Your situation at home. I can imagine that it must have been a tough year for you.” Lexa simply says.

Shrugging, Clarke smiles lightly. “My dad was only sick for a few weeks. Aggressive tumour in his lungs. I, uh… before he died, we were all pretty close. Surprise, huh.”

Lexa only nods in response, trying to picture the drunk Abby sober. As a loving mother. It isn’t all too hard to imagine. Lexa can’t help but wonder what is going through Abby’s mind that she thinks this is a good way to treat her daughter.

“My father was a structural engineer. Basically a non-creative architect. That is why I chose architecture.” She smiles, the glass of wine forgotten in her hand. “My mom’s a surgeon, but she gave that up the minute my father passed away. She… she felt like it was her fault. She felt like she had failed us and that is why she started drinking. I am only grateful that she was sober at the funeral.”

Green eyes meet blue and Lexa drowns in those eyes. Those eyes that show the pain that the blonde is feeling around her father’s death, around her mother’s drinking. Lexa knows it is a burden, more than the blonde probably wants to admit. All she wants right now is take that pain away.

“My father was the only thing keeping our family together. My mother and I fought all the time when he wasn’t around, but somehow, when he got home from work, all of that seemed to fade. Don’t get me wrong, I love my mother, but… we are different.”

“I understand.” Lexa only smiles, leaning a bit forward over the table.

“What were your parents like?” the blonde then asks curiously.

“Oh, uh… my father was a lot like Nyko, actually. Big guy, long beard, funny as hell and always just trying to cheer everybody up. We were really close. My mother was the one with the career – she was a lawyer. Badass, intimidating kind of type. But she softened around me and my dad.” Lexa smiles, remembering all the nights that her father would cook in the kitchen, singing loudly to Supertramp or the Beatles, dancing around, always happy.

“You got that intimidating part from your mother then.” The blonde laughs, taking a sip of her glass.

“Intimidating?” Lexa arches one brow in surprise.

“Whenever students aren’t listening, or speaking too loudly, you throw them this glare that is… well, I find it quite attractive, but most students are afraid of you because it is intimidating as fuck.”

“Really, now?” the teacher lets out a small laugh. She knows that she can be intimidating, but never did she think that people might actually fear her for that.

“Yeah. And you probably don’t know this, but there are a lot of students that are crushing on you.” Clarke keeps laughing, leaning back in her chair, her eyes sparkling in a way that Lexa wishes could just stay forever.

“What?” Lexa’s eyes only grow wide, but she is chuckling lightly in amusement. “Why?”

“Well, have you seen you?” the blonde’s smile turns a little more seductive, but still in a playful way. Yet, the brunette swallows hard, hating how her body reacts to the woman sitting across from her.

“I have.”

“You are not the standard professor, Lexa. Even **I** have to admit that I’ve had a crush on you ever since the first time a saw you.”

“And when was that?” Lexa tries to remember. It was probably one of the first classes she had taught in early September. She can recall seeing the blonde for the first time.

“I saw you in the parking lot, I think first day of school.” The blonde grins. “You stepped out of your car, looking all stoic. You walked onto campus, in those navy slacks and a white blouse. How could I forget?”

Lexa can only chuckle. She feels like a stupid schoolgirl that is too afraid to speak to her crush. “I didn’t see you then.”

“Oh, I know. I was in my mother’s car. It was parked near yours. Do you remember the first time you saw me?” the blonde’s voice lowers, as she leans forward with her elbows on the table, her cleavage a little more… present.

“I do, actually. You walked into my class, first day. You were a little late and you looked at my with that challenging look on your face, staring me down.” Lexa only laughs, drinking more of the wine.

“Hmm, I remember. You looked intimidating.”

“And yet you kept staring at me.”

“How could I not?” Clarke’s hands slide over the table softly, only an inch away from Lexa’s hand.

She can already feel the warmth of the blonde’s fingers, stretching her own. Her skin is on fire the moment they touch, as if Lexa has never been touched before.

“This _thing_ …” Lexa starts, looking around the room to check if there isn’t anybody they know. “…that you have for me. Is it just a crush?”

“What?” Clarke snaps her eyes up, looking into Lexa’s with a surprise that the brunette hasn’t seen before. The student then smiles lightly, her eyes warm. “It started out as a crush. But then, you started caring about me, and I just… I saw who you really were.”

“Who am I then?” Lexa mumbles, leaning closer, gently playing with the blonde’s short fingers. Her hands are so soft and Lexa doesn’t want to stop touching her.

They drink more wine in between, Lexa can feel it buzzing in her head so lightly and in this moment she knows it has been a mistake.

She forgets that she should stop this. She forgets that this is wrong, that she has shut down the blonde more times than she wanted to. She forgets she will probably have to do that _again_.

“You are somebody that just… cares. You’re not fake. You don’t pretend. You’re real, honest and I don’t think I have ever caught you lying. Even when you easily could have lied, you were honest with me.” The blonde admits, a smile on her pink lips as her eyes keep looking into Lexa’s. “I don’t think I have ever met someone like you, Lexa.”

“I could say the same about you.” The brunette murmurs, getting lost in those blue eyes.

They are silent for a moment, both women lost in thought as the brunette keeps playing with the blonde’s fingers.

“What is it that you feel for me, then?” Clarke then asks, pretty straightforward, her eyes curious as they look into green.

“Oh, well, uhm…” Lexa quickly takes a few sips of her wine. “I honestly don’t really know this, Clarke.”

“Tell me what you _do_ know.”

Sighing, Lexa leans back into her chair, crossing her arms in front of her chest. It makes her uncomfortable to speak about these kind of things, especially with Clarke. She _wants_ to tell her, but it is so inappropriate. But maybe this whole night is inappropriate.

“I guess… from the moment I saw you sitting on that pavement at the parking lot I… you looked so vulnerable, so fragile and I could tell that you carried the weight of the world on your shoulders and I guess I have been wanting to help you ever since.” Lexa tries to think back. “But I started seeing _you_ , not as a student, but as a woman. A woman who cares so much she’d sacrifice her own life for everyone. I really admire you for that, Clarke.”

The blonde remains silent for a moment, a small but sad smile on her lips.

“But I do want to tell you this, Clarke. Even though that I admire you for that, doesn’t mean that you _have_ to do it on your own.”

“I know.” She only nods, refusing to look into Lexa’s eyes and the teacher wonders what she is thinking. “I… when my mother called you the other day… I think she really needed to hear what you said, Lexa. I could never do that.”

“I know.” The brunette replies softly, leaning forward again. “I know, but I see the way your mother treats you and it pains me to see, Clarke. You deserve so much better than that.”

Shaking her head, Clarke doesn’t look like she believes the other woman. “She is in pain.”

“That doesn’t mean she can treat others poorly, okay? I don’t want to talk badly about your mother, I really don’t. I don’t know much about her, but I want to help you.”

“Yeah, I know you do. You’ve been doing that from the start.” The blonde smiles, still this sad look behind her eyes, her shoulders more slouched and Lexa hates to see her like this.

It is almost like a stab to her heart. Clarke should be happy – should be enjoying her time at the University.

Another silence falls between them and Lexa notices the time – they have about half an hour before the restaurant closes.

She has no idea what to do. She has been thinking so much this day, knowing how much she cares about the blonde.

And the blonde cares for her, too. There is just something that pulls them together, that makes Lexa want to hold on forever, but she still, she still has doubts.

It still doesn’t sit right. What if?

What if she started something with Clarke? They wouldn’t be able to be together outside. They wouldn’t be able to _be_.

And what would happen if they’d break up because Lexa is too fucked up? They would still have to see each other during classes, in the hallways, everywhere.

What if Clarke would ever move into the dorms? They’d barely be able to spend time together, maybe just at Lexa’s apartment.

“I can almost hear you thinking, Lexa.” Clarke says with a defeated smile. It is as if she can feel Lexa’s doubts.

“I…” Lexa starts. They need to clear the air. They need to decide. “What do you want from me, Clarke?” she says it so softly, her green eyes filled with pain when they look at Clarke’s.

“What?”

“What do you want from me? From the future?” Lexa leans back again, trying to stay away from the blonde physically.

“I haven’t thought about that, but… Lexa, I want you. I have always wanted you. I don’t know what it is, but I have never felt like this before and I just… I can’t stand being in the same room with you, I can’t look away from you.”

Nodding Lexa completely understands what she is talking about, because she feels the same way. The way Clarke smiles at her is like the most unique sunrise to her – the most beautiful thing she has ever seen.

The way she feels the need to make sure that Clarke is safe, to take away her pain and her struggles, to hold her close.

“I want to be with _you_ , Lexa. But I am afraid that you haven’t changed your mind about this.”

Lexa closes her eyes, biting the inside of her lips. She hates herself.

Then, she looks into those blue orbs that she has grown to adore so much. She shakes her head.

“Every time that we speak about this, it ends up with me pushing you away, Clarke. And that is not going to change.” She admits quietly. As long as she can’t surrender completely, she won’t be with Clarke.

Clarke nods, her eyes so sad that Lexa wishes there is another way. “I want nothing more than to try, Clarke, but I can’t. I am not one to bend or break the rules. _After tonight_ , we should go back to just being a teacher and a student.”

The words are sour in her mouth.

Clarke doesn’t speak. She sighs deeply, leaning her elbows on the table. “I get it, Lexa, I really do. But I don’t think it’s worth it.”

“I am so sorry, Clarke.” _You have no idea how sorry I am_.

Lexa slides her chair back, standing up, walking to the bar to pay. When she returns, Clarke hasn’t moved the slightest bit.

“Let’s see if Octavia will let you get back into the room.” The teacher tries to lighten the mood, but Clarke’s lips are pursed, her eyes filled with a certain dejection that breaks Lexa’s heart just all over again.

They walk together to the elevator silently, closer than they should. Shoulder to shoulder, Lexa wants to remember this forever.

She wants to remember what it feels like to kiss Clarke, to hold her, to keep her close.

The elevator ride is silent, both of them stealing glances of the other and Lexa hates how badly she cares. How in awe she is of the woman across from her, leaning against the wall of the elevator.

They walk silently out of it, Clarke knocking on the door to her hotel room, but Octavia doesn’t open.

Lexa feels powerless, but she has no choice. She can hardly let the blonde sleep in the hallway.

“I have two beds.” She simply says, walking to her own room to take the blonde with her. She has no idea why her heart is beating like crazy, why she feels nervous.

She remembers her own words of earlier; ‘ _After tonight, we should go back to just being a teacher and a student.’_

After tonight. Maybe she could just… let it all go, just for one night.

She steps into her room, realising that she can feel the alcohol buzzing in her head.

She feels the desperation in her heart, the aching of having to let Clarke go.

But the blonde follows her into her room and Lexa closes the door behind her, reaching out to wrap her fingers around the blonde’s wrist.

She can’t hold it in. She can’t stop herself from _loving_ Clarke. She can’t walk away, not when the blonde pulls her in so badly, not when the student is looking at her with that pain behind her eyes, not when she can feel her warmth so fucking close.

Lexa pins Clarke against her hotel room door, her eyes flickering between those blue ones.

The alcohol in her system is the only thing that allows her to do this. It is the only thing that keeps her head from saying no.

This time, it is Lexa that leans in first. She leans in, her hands on Clarke’s sides, pressing her lips on the blonde’s softly.

 _God_.

It feels like coming home. It feels like everything she ever needed, everything that she ever longed for.

Their lips move in sync, not hurried, not rushed - they simply just need to _be_.

The blonde’s hands tangle in her hair.

There comes a certain point where Lexa remembers what she is doing, pulling back so lightly that she still breathes against Clarke’s lips.

“Maybe we shouldn’t do this.” she says, and Clarke’s hands freeze in the spot.

“I… I know.” she murmurs. “We shouldn’t.”

Lexa’s eyes open - the dim light in the room gives off just enough light to brighten the darkness of Clarke’s eyes, her pupils already blown, her lids half down as she stares into green eyes.

Her lips are swollen, and she looks at Lexa like she’s something that may disappear at any moment.

Her gasps are erratic, and to silence her, Lexa leans in and captures her lips again - she nearly whimpers at her own lack of control and at the way Clarke instantly allows her entrance.

“We shouldn’t,” she mumbles against Clarke’s lips before dropping her attention to Clarke’s jawline, her neck - the exposed skin is too much for Lexa to ignore.

 _Tell me to stop_.

“Lexa.” Clarke breathes, as she tilts her head back to allow Lexa more access and her fingernails dig into the brunettes arms. “We… _fuck_.”

Squeezing her eyes closed and pulling back from Clarke’s neck, Lexa holds onto Clarke’s shirt in frustration, so tightly she is nearly tugging it from her jeans.

She wants Clarke to tell her to stop, she wants her to put some reason into this. She _needs_ Clarke to do so.

They shouldn’t do this.

But she has gone too far.

“Clarke…”

 _Please, just tell me to stop_.

When she opens her eyes, Clarke’s stare is piercing through her, her breathing uneven.

“We shouldn’t.”

“But I want to.”

Clarke studies her, swallows hard, and leans in, before pausing just as Lexa’s eyes close. “Is this… okay?”

The teachers still hesitates, even though all her defences are down, even though she has given in already.

Too far gone.

Her life, her career, her fears - it doesn’t seem to exist inside this hotel room.

“Yes.”

Her thoughts vanish again, for good this time, when Clarke kisses her once again - hard and desperate and clutching on Lexa’s hips to pull her closer.

She lets Clarke pushing her back and pin her against the wall with a small thump. A whine bubbles in her throat and disappears onto Clarke’s lips.

The blonde shivers at the sound.

Lexa is always so held-back and careful, but now her hands thread into Clarke's hair with a certain desperation.

As Lexa’s lips ghost along the blonde’s clavicle, the brunette pulls up the sweater, pulling back ever so slightly to let the blonde escape out of the fabric, letting it fall to the floor.

Lexa tries to control her breathing.

"Just tonight?" she asks quietly, her gaze searching the blonde’s face. All she wants is to show Clarke how much she cares. She wants to let her know that she deserves the fucking world.

Clarke’s answer is just as quiet - a silent nod as she caresses the brunette’s cheeks with her thumbs.

And then, they let go. They give in, surrender, letting their insecurities and reasonable sense of mind fall away as the clothes they wear fall to the floor. They stumble back into the room, as Lexa breathes in Clarke’s scent, her lips glued to the blonde’s neck.

The blonde is smooth as she pushes the brunette towards the bed, until her knees it the bed. Lexa falls on the mattress softly, pulling the student with her.

They get rid of whatever clothing they have left – the need and desperation to feel the other on her bare skin is too big. Too addictive. Too much.

Clarke is soft and warm as she falls onto Lexa, straddling the brunette’s hips as she leans down, kissing her lips hungrily, their tongues fighting.

Lexa smoothly flips the blonde over – earning her the brightest chuckle ever, her heart melting and racing at the same time when she leans in again.

Lexa’s skin is on fire, her veins filled with want, with the _need_ for the blonde.

Completely bare, they sink into the mattress, their limbs entangled as their lips desperately connect. It is more heated than the others, their mouths open, tongues fighting, before Lexa leans up a little to let her hand roam over the blonde’s curves.

She is a fucking goddess. The brunette takes the sight in – the blonde bare against herself, her breasts perfectly shaped, her curves so fucking sexy.

Lexa can barely breathe, her lips attached to the skin of the blonde, kissing and sucking their way down. The brunette can feel the blonde’s body arch from the bed as soon as her lips tighten around a nipple.

Clarke’s hands are in Lexa’s hair tightly, guiding her to where she wants Lexa the most.

Trailing kisses down the blonde’s pale skin, Lexa can hear the soft whimpers escape the student’s mouth.

Lexa makes her way down, her fingers tracing the soft skin on Clarke’s thighs. She presses teasing kisses at the blonde’s hipbone, loving how the blonde writhers beneath her.

Steadying herself, Lexa slides one arm underneath the blonde to steady her, settling between her legs.

When she looks up, she meets Clarke’s black eyes, her lips parted to allow erratic breaths.

She doesn’t warn her when she leans down, trying to find the blonde’s clit with her lips. It takes her only two seconds.

The student moans like her life depends on it, her hips bucking into Lexa’s face, but the brunette tries to hold her still, throwing Clarke’s legs over her shoulders for better access.

She is met with hot, slick wetness as she runs her tongue through her folds, moaning gently when she realises how much the blonde wants her.

“Fuck, _Lexa_.”

Lexa places her lips around the blonde’s clit, enjoy the taste of Clarke’s pleasure every fucking second. She twirls her tongue, earning her a few more moans.

The way the blonde shudders tells Lexa that she is close already. Instead of increasing her pace with her tongue, she looks up with a smug grin on her lips, her chin covered in the wetness of the blonde.

The blonde’s hands still entangled in Lexa’s hair, the teacher slowly kisses her way back up while her hand teases Clarke near her centre, fingernails scratching the soft skin.

Lexa softly bites the blonde’s earlobe, nibbling as she lets out the softest teasing moans that has Clarke squirming beneath her.

The blonde’s hands now roam over Lexa’s bare back – her nails scratching harder than before.

A smug grin on her face, Lexa’s lips make their way back to the blonde’s face.

“You are breathtaking.” Lexa murmurs before claiming the blonde’s lips once again. Her slender fingers run through the blonde’s folds, making Clarke grind her hips into it – needing the friction so desperately.

Lexa can only moan when she finds out how wet the student is for her, searching Clarke’s tongue with her own.

“Lexa, _please_.”

Without warning, the brunette slips two fingers into the blonde, groaning deeply when she can feel her walls clench already.

“Fuck.” Clarke mutters, her hands cupping Lexa’s head as she roughly pulls the brunette in for gasped kisses.

Lexa can feel the blonde wriggle underneath her – her skin hot and filled with desire as she presses herself against the blonde, desperate for the contact.

Increasing her pace, Lexa fails to notice Clarke’s hand sliding down between their naked bodies.

It is only then, that the blonde’s palm presses against Lexa’s core, causing the teacher to grind into it desperately while she increases her pace with her hand even more.

The moans that the blonde lets out fill the hotel room, a sound that Lexa wants to remember forever. They are deep, sexy and slow and it is almost enough to send her over the edge.

She adds a finger, making Clarke arch her back once again desperately, her eyes wide and her lips parted as she breathes heavily.

Lexa’s heart beats rapidly, her pupils completely blown as she won’t tear away her gaze from the blonde’s perfect face.

She increases her pace, but she can feel Clarke’s fingers sliding inside of her, distracting her from what she wants the most – to make Clarke come undone beneath her.

“Fuck, Clarke.” Lexa moans, her hips bucking into the blonde.

The teacher curls her fingers inside of Clarke, earning her the deepest moan she has ever heard. She breathes heavily, leaning down on Clarke, her face pressed against the hot skin in the blonde’s neck, sucking and kissing her way up the student’s jawline.

Lexa can feel her shudder underneath her and she knows that she is close. She whispers words in the blonde’s ear, feeling how Clarke’s free hand pulls her in for a searing kiss, tangled in her wild curls.

The blonde seems to have forgotten about the fact that her own fingers are still inside Lexa, but when the brunette rolls her hips into it, she starts pumping slowly.

Lexa can feel the pleasure build in her body, shivering and pleasure shooting through her core as she can’t stop moaning.

Despite the fact that she loves having Clarke inside of her, she pulls back lightly, lowering herself to gain better access to the blonde.

She picks up her speed – curling her fingers more, having Clarke squirming and moaning like never before.

Her walls clench, her hands are in Lexa’s hair so tightly that the teacher knows she is close.

“Let go, Clarke.” She says, her voice low and husky as she can feel Clarke come undone as she hits the right spot behind the blonde’s pubic bone.

The student’s lips are o-shaped, her eyes wide, her body arching from the bed as she buries her nails in Lexa’s scalp.

“Fuck!” she moans, falling back onto the bed, her hips bucking erratically.

Lexa’s fingers are still buried deep inside her when the blonde pulls her up, meeting her lips in lazy kisses.

“Let me return the favour.” Clarke hints for Lexa to turn, gently pushing her to lie down beside her.

Lexa falls on her stomach, wanting to turn around but the blonde already straddles her legs, her hands roaming over the teacher’s back.

“I didn’t know you had a tattoo.” Clarke’s low voice is husky, and Lexa can feel her tracing the tattoo on her spine.

To be honest, Lexa forgets she has it most of the time. “I got it a long time ago.”

“It’s beautiful.” Clarke only says.

Lexa closes her eyes, enjoying the simple touches as Clarke trails the tattoo with her fingers, enjoying the plain intimacy of it.

Before she knows it, soft kisses are pressed against her spine, going up slowly until she can feel the blonde nipping on the skin in her neck, making her shiver, goosebumps spreading on her entire skin. She is on fire.

She can feel Clarke lying on top of her, her hand sliding underneath Lexa as she massages her breast.

Lexa moans into the pillow, so desperate for more touches. Her body aches with her longing for Clarke.

The brunette can feel the student hover above her, featherlight touches everywhere that has Lexa shuddering.

The teacher lets out a small moan when she can feel Clarke’s leg between her own, pressing against her core with careful purpose.

Clarke presses open-mouthed kisses on her shoulder, her neck, her spine, taking all the time in the world to explore her body. One hand is teasing her between her legs and the way Lexa moves tells Clarke that she is getting impatient.

"Fuck." Lexa mutters in her pillow. She can feel her own wetness dripping through her folds.

Clarke moves back just a little, now leaning on her knees while Lexa’s muscled back is hollow. The blonde sits up, swallowing at the sight in front of her. She can't help herself when she suddenly slides three digits inside of Lexa, earning her a deep, desperate moan.

The blonde pumps inside of her gently while sitting behind her, one hand holding her by her shoulder. Lexa grabs that arm with her hand, reaching back, continuing to stifle her moans in the pillow as Clarke moves into her.

She slowly increases her pace, causing Lexa to move way too much, desperately searching for more friction, searching for more pleasure, the _release_.

Instead of lying on the bed entirely, Lexa sits up on her knees, her upper body still on the bed, curling her back down to offer the blonde better access, as the student manages to thrust into her harder.

Lexa’s head leans down, while she is being fucked from behind.

The teacher is trembling, wanting more. _Needing_ more.

The blonde bends over, leaning on the brunette. Clarke’s free arm snakes around Lexa’s waist, holding her close. The student seems to take it all in, her lips glued to the soft skin on Lexa’s spine, biting and nibbling.

Lexa rides Clarke’s hand by now, her hips bucking against the blonde’s as they move together, pressed against each other, both gasping for breathable air.

Clarke unexpectedly moves her hand down, sliding down Lexa’s stomach to massage her clit.

"Fuck.” Lexa bites her lips, her face pressed into the pillow, can’t help herself when she moans shamelessly, her back curving even further as Clarke just tries to hold her steady. The way her hips roll into the blonde’s hands tells Clarke that she is almost there.

"Clarke, oh!" her voice so husky and low, Clarke licks her lips. Lexa’s hips roll smoothly into Clarke’s hand, her orgasm building quickly. She almost collapses once she comes to her high.

"Fuck!" Lexa is sweating, riding out her orgasm on the blonde’s hand as she leans back forward, collapsing weakly on the bed. She turns to lie on her side, pulling Clarke down with her.

They kiss lazily and it is all that Lexa ever wants. To be able to have these moments.

“That was…” Clarke only smiles while Lexa tucks a strand of wild, blonde curly hair behind the blonde’s ear as they lie across from each other. “…amazing.”

Shuffling closer, Lexa leans in for more kisses. She is addicted. It only makes it worse to think that this can never happen again.

The way the blonde tastes, the way Lexa’s lips tingle, the way her tongue desperately searches Clarke’s. The way their limbs tangle as they lie in each other’s arms peacefully.

 _It is everything_.

“I needed this.” The blonde only whispers as she pulls back, bumping her nose with the brunette’s lovingly.

“To get laid?” Lexa teases, earning her a teasing pinch in the side.

“No. _You_. I needed you. I _need_ you.”

“Just one night, Clarke.” Lexa swallows, lying on her back to stare at the ceiling.

“You aren’t going to let this happen again, are you?” Clarke mutters, slowly glancing up at Lexa.

Lexa hadn’t expected to see Clarke the way she is looking at her – tears in her blue eyes, her lips pursed, overall a pained look on that beautiful face of hers.

Shaking her head with a sad smile, Lexa knows this can never happen again.

“I’m sorry.” she whispers, searching those blue eyes. “I never meant to turn you into this.”

She can’t look away from _her_.

“Are you sure? If you tell me now to stay away, I will. I won’t be there anymore, I’ll… move on.”

Sighing deeply, her eyes pressed closed, Lexa extends her arms. The blonde falls into them, throwing one leg over Lexa’s as her chin leans on the brunette’s shoulder.

The student’s lips are near Lexa’s jawline, pressing the softest kisses there as she waits for Lexa to reply.

“Clarke…” she knows that this decision will haunt her for the rest of her life, but she must. “This was just for one night.”

 _I am sorry_.

 _I love you_..

“I know, Lexa. I _know_.” She just whispers, lying her head down beside Lexa’s.

The blonde keeps looking at the teacher, pain in her eyes but trying to enjoy the short time that they have together, watching the brunette fall asleep slowly.

Clarke can’t stop looking at the teacher as the brunette has a peaceful smile on her face when she slides into a deep slumber. She tucks a few strands of dark curls aside, her fingers tracing Lexa’s cheekbones, her jawline.

“I love you, you know.”

\\\

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes!! smut. finally.


	9. home again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> little time jumps.
> 
> things are gonna get really angsty from here on out [see tags]
> 
> please don't hate me. 
> 
> just remember the happy ending.

\\\

When Lexa wakes up, Clarke is gone. She opens her eyes, groaning when the light hits her face. She is lying flat on her stomach, her hips aching in a way that tells her she had a good night.

But the blonde is nowhere to be seen.

It disturbs her more than she wants it to, even after she was the one to push Clarke away one last time, knowing it should be over.

 _For good_.

She puts it away as far as she can, the memories from the night before, the aching throbbing in her chest. Instead, she becomes bitter when she steps out of bed.

Nothing indicates that the blonde was ever here – she took all her things and Lexa doesn’t blame her for leaving like that. She broke the student’s heart over and over again and she can’t just…

She won’t ever forgive herself for everything that has happened. She can’t.

She can feel herself harden as she steps underneath the shower, but she can’t stop thinking about the night before.

How right it had felt to have Clarke with her. How right it was to fall asleep with the blonde in her arms.

And she ruined it all. She ruined it and she knows that there is no turning back now, and she won’t even _try_ to fix it, because there _is_ nothing to fix.

It is still wrong in her eyes.

It doesn’t stop her from tearing up, her eyes filling with the warm, salty liquid while she tries to comfort herself underneath the warm shower. She wraps her arms around herself, wondering how she got here.

She knows she must move on. She knows she must let it go. So that is exactly what she tries when she pushes herself not to cry, not to _feel_.

And that is how she spends her day. The snowstorm has not stopped overnight – causing all of them to stay inside the hotel for the day. Some students go to the warmed pool, some go to the hidden arcade at the back of the restaurant and some just hang around in their rooms.

Lexa and Nyko spend some time at the restaurant quietly, the brunette with her iPad watching mostly some Netflix or reading newspapers, while Nyko works on his crossword puzzles.

They stay in the restaurant so that the students can easily come to them if there might be questions.

Both Jasper and Octavia seem to be recovering well from their hospital visits, Jasper with his sling and Octavia with her crutches. Nyko has updated their families about what had happened and they had simply been grateful that he took the trouble of walking them through it.

Lexa has spotted Clarke several times today. It pains her to see that the blonde is pretending that nothing is wrong, but the teacher can see in her posture that something is clearly bothering her.

And so, Lexa focuses on her iPad only, knowing she should let it go. The look that Nyko has in his eyes tells the other teacher that he knows that something happened, but she only glances away from him. She can’t talk about it.

If she doesn’t speak about it, it isn’t there.

And so, they spend the days in Chicago, Lexa eaten by guilt and a broken heart, trying to fight it. Trying to hide her feelings not only from other, but herself mostly.

She tries not to remember how she and Clarke spent the night together, how incredibly perfect it had felt. She tries to put it all away.

They are limited because of the snowstorm – the city has been working hard to remove all the snow but they grey clouds ruin everything. So they try to make the best of it.

They manage to get out of the hotel on Friday, going to the restaurant they had discussed as a goodbye dinner.

And they have fun. It is still snowing outside and Lexa finds herself in the middle of the huge table, speaking to more students than she ever had before. She is enjoying herself.

But her heart doesn’t stop aching. Her mind doesn’t stop thinking about that night with Clarke.

She misses the blonde. She misses her touches, her kisses and just… talking to her. She misses it all and it makes her miserable. She hates that she seems unable to forget.

Nyko has asked her several times if everything was okay and each time she told him yes.

There is no way in hell that she will confess to him what she did – sleep with a student only to wake up alone. Only to know that it is never going to happen again.

The snowstorm does end on Saturday and by then, the city has managed to clean up a little, but Lexa is simply glad that they are staying a little longer. Saturday is mostly spent in the city – the students are allowed to go out on their own again.

Nyko has asked Lexa to join him while they stroll through the snow, but Lexa wants to be alone.

And so, she finds herself making her way over to the Adler Planetarium Skyline Walk. It is a small park at the waterline, offering one of the best views over the skyline of Chicago.

It is a perfect place to think as Lexa stands, burying herself in her jacket due to the cold wind. The sky is still grey, clouds are dark but at least it has stopped snowing.

The city looks different like this. There is a certain sadness washing over Lexa as she stares over the water.

A certain feeling of emptiness, realisation that she is just alone. Realisation that Clarke is better off without her.

She feels hollow and numb as the cold wind goes through her hair, cutting her in the face as she thinks.

How did she get here? How did she make so many mistakes when she was determined to do the right thing?

She can feel the cold through her jacket and she knows it’s time to go, but the view that she has over the city is mesmerising. Maybe, one day, she will move here.

Maybe one day she has the courage to start over. To forget that anything ever happened, try to get over her past and start fresh.

But with the blonde in her mind, she doesn’t think she is ever able to let that go.

Thinking about that, Lexa slowly makes her way back into the city, so deep in thought that she barely registers her phone ringing.

“Lexa!” it is Nyko and he sounds happy. “We are ready to go to dinner if you are.”

“Of course I am.” The brunette smiles into the phone, making her way downtown as she stops on a bridge, watching over the canal as Nyko tells her where she can find them.

They are in a restaurant nearby, and the teacher quickly makes her way over there.

She can see how everybody is already there. “Am I really the last one?” she laughs, taking off her jacket, glad that she is in a warm space again.

“Yup.” Nyko pops the p, having saved a seat for the brunette across from him.

Lexa greets the students, sitting down in the group as they all look at the menu.

Time goes by fast. Lexa is glad that Clarke is somewhere sitting in a corner where she is barely visible – at least she won’t have to think about her all the time.

It is exhausting, to say the least.

But the night flies by. They go back to the hotel in the entire group, all doing their own thing before they go to sleep.

But Lexa can’t sleep, obviously.

She can’t stop thinking about what if. What if she’d let Clarke in just a little more? How happy could she be? She doesn’t know and it is driving her insane.

The only thing that she knows is that the rest of the world seems to fade when Clarke is around her. Every problem, every issue, it disappears when she is with her.

She only feels that relief, that feeling of being perfectly content when Clarke is with her and she wonders if it is worth it to throw that all away.

The whole night, she thinks about it. The more she thinks about it, the more she tries to push it away. She tries to tell herself that she did the right thing by turning Clarke down.

That it is for the best, that Clarke deserves better than just Lexa. That the student deserves better than secrecy and someone who doesn’t know how to open herself up completely.

Before Lexa even knows it, her alarm goes off and she still doesn’t know what to do. She gets out of bed, she takes a long, hot shower before going down to breakfast.

She has to admit that that night with Clarke has ruined everything. Her feelings, the trust she built with the blonde.

She can see the student and her best friend walking into the breakfast hall and everything just feels _off_.

Octavia is looking at her like she might kill Lexa when she gets the chance. And Clarke is looking at her like she is seeing a ghost. She almost can’t take it.

So she avoids the two students. She manages to get through the days trying to joke around with Monty or Nyko, trying desperately to distract herself from her pain, her mistakes and her doubts.

And it works. Lightly. The time flies and before they know it, they are in the bus, on their way home. It is like Lexa’s body is present, but her mind is elsewhere. She feels absent as they drive away.

The snow is still there, but the counties have had plenty of time to salten the asphalt, to make it safe for people to drive again.

Lexa sleeps most of the ride, trying to distant herself from her own feelings and thoughts.

The night at the motel is going by fast, all of them too tired to get some food out.

And the next day, they drive again. It feels endless, but then Lexa watches Polis’ skyline in the distance, while the night falls, feeling relieved to see it again.

She wants nothing more than to crawl into her own bed and forget that this whole trip even happened.

But then Lexa remembers that she was supposed to take Clarke home. And she is one to keep her promises, no matter the history between her and the blonde.

She watches the busses drive through the city she calls her home, on their way to campus. They arrive later than expected – it is almost ten in the evening.

Many family members are already waiting for the students in the parking lot to pick them up, leaving quite quickly after arriving.

“Nyko, how long will we have to stay here? I promised Clarke I’d take her home.” Lexa simply says as they stand outside in the cold, saying goodbye to every student, helping with their luggage.

“Oh, just take my car. I’ll handle things here and when you get back, I will take you home.” He simply smiles.

“Thanks.” Lexa smiles back vaguely, not sure how she feels about bringing Clarke home. It will be the first time that they’ll be alone after that night.

She finds Clarke, sitting on the pavement where she has been before, weeks ago.

“Go away.” Clarke simply says, her lips pursed, an overall tired look on her features.

“Who will take you home, then?”

“I will call a cab or something.” She mutters.

The tone in her voice hurts Lexa, but she knows that it’s her own fault.

“I know that certain… _things_ have happened between us, but please let me take you home.” Lexa tries again, her hands in her pocket as she watches the blonde sit, her heart aching so badly she is about to cry. But she holds in.

“Why do you insist?”

“I kind of promised your mother, Clarke.” Lexa says simply, avoiding making eye-contact with the blonde.

“You didn’t, you know.” The student sighs, clearly giving up as she makes her way to Nyko’s car.

She throws her things in the back, sitting down at the passenger side as Lexa slides behind the wheel.

She turns on the radio, driving in further silence while the tension in the air only grows.

There are so many things that Lexa wants to say, but she can’t find the words. She can’t talk to Clarke like nothing has happened.

And so, they quickly arrive at Clarke’s house. Lexa turns off the engine, but the blonde keeps staring outside.

“I’ve considered stopping my studies for you.” Clarke breathes.

“Stop that, Clarke.”

“Why?” blue eyes snap up, looking at Lexa with a fury she barely recognizes.

“Because it won’t change anything.” The teacher simply says softly, watching how the fury in Clarke’s eyes change to a hopeless glance that Lexa can’t take.

The blonde remains silent, but she doesn’t move. Lexa leans both hands on the wheel, also at a loss for words.

“I am glad that at least I got you for one night.” Clarke then says. “It’s better than nothing at all.”

With that, she steps out of the vehicle, walking to the trunk to grab her suitcase.

Lexa quickly jumps out, closing the trunk behind the blonde, a pleading look in her green eyes, making Clarke stop in her tracks.

She can’t help the tear that escapes her eye and the blonde reaches up so gently to wipe it away that Lexa has to clench her jaw in order not to fall apart.

“I wish that it wouldn’t have to be like this.” The brunette only whispers, cupping the blonde’s face with her hands. She checks the house just to be sure, but there is nobody watching them in the darkness of the night. “You _have_ to know that I never meant to hurt you, Clarke.”

The blonde visibly softens. “I know. I _know_.”

With that, Lexa presses a soft kiss on the blonde’s cheek. This feels an awful lot like goodbye.

She then turns on her heels, stepping into the car to drive back to campus, without looking back.

\\\

It is strange to go back to teaching after that. Lexa is glad that she can distract herself from her personal feelings when she gets back into that lecture room, realising how much she has missed this place over the past week and half.

But it feels different.

It _is_ different. Lexa feels like it all seems vague, like life is passing her by without her knowing it.

And maybe that is true. Maybe she feels numb all the time, alone and heartbroken and just the fucking guilt.

But the weeks start to pass by, and she only lives in her own world, trying to put all her feelings away.

She teaches endlessly, staying late at night to prepare her next classes. She tries to ignore the pain when she recognises Clarke’s handwriting on one of the papers the students had to work on.

Her heart aches when she reads Clarke’s assignment on Chicago. They had to finish it this week and Lexa almost tears up when she realises that the blonde’s taste and way of thinking in architecture is so much like Lexa’s methods.

Clarke’s design is absolutely beautiful, her way of thinking is professional. Lexa almost feels like the blonde is too talented to just attend Polis University.

She stares at Clarke’s report for far too long. She sits in her classroom, night already started, leaning in her chair heavily.

Flashes shoot through her mind, memories of the times that she did have a chance to let her responsibility go. She closes her eyes, clutching onto the papers that contain Clarke’s work.

Why can’t she just let it go? Why is it so hard for her to move on? Why is the blonde on her mind so much that it drives her insane?

She has to distract herself, she knows. It is the only way.

She starts meeting up with her colleagues more. Every Friday after school, they go to the bar across campus, having fun and Lexa finds herself enjoying that time thoroughly.

But Nyko knows that it is bothering her. It is as if he can read her, as if he knows what she is thinking about all the time.

But Lexa ignores his questioning looks, trying to be there for her friends as much as she can, especially after Niylah’s mother passes away. She is there for her colleague, knowing the pain of losing a parent.

She puts much time in that, going by to bring food, taking Niylah out to have some fun, simply taking care of her in a way that Lexa was never cared for after her parent’s death.

Trying to fill the void.

She spends more time with her friends, going out on the weekends, getting drunk with Echo or Lincoln and Anya.

She makes the mistake of sleeping with Echo again in a drunken stupor. She is so drunk that the next morning when she wakes up, she can’t even remember what happened the night before.

But when she notices a naked Echo in her bed, she cries softly, slipping out of her bed, feeling disgusting, hating herself for the mess she is.

And Echo notices. Echo is the only one beside Nyko to notice that something is wrong, but she lets Lexa struggle on her own.

Lexa doesn’t sleep with Echo anymore after that. No matter how much she tells herself that she doesn’t belong to anyone, it feels fucking _wrong_ to be with anybody else.

This is how her weeks pass by. Trying to fill the emptiness in her heart, teaching as if her life depends on it. Ignoring the blonde.

When she is alone, when nobody can see her, she hates that she feels sorry for herself when she is the one who put herself in this position.

She worries about Clarke silently, noticing that the blonde has been skipping her classes sometimes, not paying attention, being late and leaving the room as fast as she can.

She knows that the blonde is doing the same thing as Lexa and it is killing the teacher to see. Only she should be the one hurting. This is her fault.

Echo is the first one to really notice that Lexa is going down in a depressing spiral, working herself to death as she forgets to take care of herself.

It is a regular Saturday night and Lexa has her friends over to watch a movie, but she just can’t watch it. It only reminds her of Clarke.

Every fucking thing is reminding her of Clarke and she hates it.

She sits beside Echo and Anya on her own couch, wine glass in one hand and her phone in the other, scrolling through Facebook in order just not to watch the stupid movie.

She can feel Echo’s gaze on her and she knows the girl knows that something is up. It annoys her.

They finish the movie and Lincoln and Anya are quick to get to their own house, seemingly tired. But Echo stays in Lexa’s apartment, something not unusual.

For the past couple of weeks, Lexa feels like she has been growing closer to Echo, despite their night together. She has seen her more, talking a lot but the brunette never spoke about Clarke.

But as they sit on the couch, the late news on the TV, Echo speaks up.

“What the fuck is going on with you?” the girl asks when Lexa is sitting on the couch, reading the newspaper.

“Nothing, I’m good.” Lexa shrugs, her walls around her heart high.

“Yeah, and I’m the president. Spill, Woods.” She snatches the iPad out of Lexa’s hands, much to her dismay.

“Everything is good.”

“Then why have you been acting like a friggin robot for the past few weeks? Ever since… since you came back from Chicago.” Echo reasons. “What the fuck happened there that got you this fucked up?”

“I am not fucked up.” Lexa hisses in frustration, hating how the woman can read her better than she wants her to.

“Stop lying to me _and_ to yourself, Lexa.” Echo’s voice is softer than the brunette expected it to and she sighs deeply, sinking only further into her couch.

“I slept with Clarke.” Lexa admits quietly, hating how bad it sounds.

“And you _care_.” Echo rolls her eyes when she watches the teacher cringe. “I know you are smart and all, but I did not expect you to act this dumb.”

“We’ve had this conversation before.” Lexa refers to New Years Eve, still not wanting to talk about this.

“No, we haven’t. That was another life.” Echo throws Lexa’s legs from the couch, earning her an angry glare from the professor. “You love her.”

“I don’t love her.” Lexa states, crossing her arms in front of her chest, huffing in frustration. She knows it’s a lie. She knows that is not the truth and she also knows that Echo knows that.

“Why are you here?”

“This is my house?” Lexa huffs again, standing up from the couch, hating how Echo is pursuing her.

“No, why are you here with me when you should be with Clarke?”

“Don’t you fucking get it?!” She snaps. Anger has been building up inside of Lexa for these past few weeks, all this time that she has barely seen the blonde, that she has been worrying about her and just… feeling so fucking guilty for everything that had happened.

“You really don’t fucking understand so don’t even try to convince me otherwise, Echo!” she spits out the words. “I fucking hurt her! I will keep fucking hurting her! We can’t be together, not as long as I am her teacher and not as long as she is a fucking student at _my_ school. We _can’t_!”

“Why the hell not?” Echo mirrors her friend, crossing her arms in front of her chest, challenging her.

“I don’t like to break rules, Echo.” Lexa’s voice is dangerously low. “I don’t want to fuck up her life.”

“Well, perhaps you already have.”

“Oh, I know that. You don’t have to tell me that. I just don’t intend to fuck it up a little more.” The brunette’s nostrils flare in anger and desperation. She doesn’t know what to do.

She can’t just change her mind again, only to go back later. She knows she will. She knows that she won’t ever feel good about dating a fucking student.

“Then what do you suggest I’d do, huh? Go to Clarke’s house, ask her to be my fucking girlfriend, hide for the next three and a half years, only to find that she is moving to some fancy big city for her career, leaving me to end up alone anyway?”

“Is that what you think will happen?”

“I don’t fucking know, Echo. There are too many options, too many things that can go wrong and I won’t fucking risk it. I have been thinking about this too much, I know my options.”

“What I still don’t understand, though, is why you won’t let yourself be happy.” Echo bounces back easily. The teacher has her mouth open to speak, but closes it when she can’t find the words when she looks into brown eyes. “Yeah, I thought so. Remember New Years Eve, Lexa? Remember how happy you were? I have never seen you happier than back then and maybe one or two months before that. It’s like you don’t even allow yourself to just be happy.”

“How do you expect me to be happy when that certain _something_ is basically forbidden, huh?” Lexa can’t stop the anger rising in her chest. It has been building for so long that she has to let it out. “How do you expect me to be with Clarke when all I am is just so fucking scared?”

“What are you afraid of?!” Echo seems to get frustrated as well and Lexa knows that she has all the right in the world to do so. “Are you afraid of losing her? Are you afraid of getting hurt?”

“I am afraid of hurting _her_ , Echo.” The brunette’s voice falls as the truth finally falls from her lips. “I will hurt her at some point, again. I don’t give a fuck about myself.”

“What do you mean?”

Sighing, Lexa drops to the floor, her back against her window as she gasps for air, tears stinging her eyes. “I can’t see how this would end well, Echo. I am older than her, I have never been with anybody, not really. I am fucked up. I don’t know how to _love_. Not like that. And what if things come out? Do you think they will accept her at a large firm? Nobody wants the girl that sleeps her way up. I will damage her one way or another.”

“We all get damaged by our lives, Lexa. Do you really think that this is what should stop you? Do you really think that living like this, all… heartbroken and bitter, is the answer?”

“Shut up, Echo. I can’t. I simply can’t.” shaking her head, Lexa gives up all the fight that she has left in her bones.

She loves Clarke. Even after these weeks of barely speaking to her, she loves her. She cares. And she wants Clarke to be _happy_.

And somehow, she knows that she isn’t _it_ for Clarke. She won’t be able to make the blonde happy. 

She does not know what to do anymore. She thought she did the right thing, but what if Echo is right?

Lexa knows she can’t dwell on ‘what ifs’. She can’t do this. She shouldn’t be doing this.

“Just think about what you’re letting slip away from you, Lexa. But I will be here for you, always.” Echo leans down to press a kiss on the brunette’s cheek, only to take her coat and leave the teacher on her own floor crying.

\\\

She’s torn again. She feels like she is in the same position she was weeks ago. She is not getting anywhere.

But March slowly rolls in and she just… feels so fucking incomplete. Wrong, even.

And she can’t shake the thought that she made a huge mistake. That she didn’t listen to the people around her, that she didn’t listen to Clarke.

Clarke wanted to go for it. She wanted to fight and Lexa didn’t even give her a chance.

Lexa left her alone, when she thought she was doing the right thing. But instead, she didn’t.

Instead, she walked away. Scratch that, she _ran_ away. She ran away because she thought that was the right thing to do, she ran away because she was too _afraid_.

But now, she knows that she can’t go back. The damage has been done.

Even though she wishes she could turn back time, there is no way in hell that she can make the past go away. That she can beg Clarke to take her back. She can’t.

It is already too late for that.

But maybe there is another way she can make it up – a way she has yet to figure out.

It is a Friday morning when Lexa steps into her car a little later than usual, loving that the city looks sunnier than the week before, that temperatures are rising and her favourite season will start soon.

And she thinks she might feel some relief. She may have changed her mind. For good this time.

But she knows that that won’t bring the blonde back to her. Probably nothing will, but at least it gives her some piece of mind.

Even though it is so small, it is there. The relief of having made a final decision. Of letting her responsibilities go just enough for her to be able to allow herself to do what she wants. Of what she knows is actually best for her.

And so, she drives through the city, on her way to campus. She stops in front of a traffic light, being the first in line to wait.

She fails to notice a car speeding up behind her. She fails to notice anything, until she can feel her body shock through the car as it’s being pushed forward roughly and a loud sound crushes her ears.

In shock, Lexa tries to steer away from the traffic coming from the left, but she is too late. A car hits hers so hard that it is making her car spin several times, smashing her through the car harshly, her head against the window.

That is when everything turns black.

\\\

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lexa is an idiot, i know. but keep in mind that she is pretty traumatized, pretty damaged. her past will have to be dealt with in the next chapters. sorry for the slow burn ....


	10. broken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one chapter from Clarke's POV.

\\\

The past year has been an emotional rollercoaster for Clarke. Her father’s illness broke her.

The fact that her mother can’t seem to take care of herself broke her.

The fact that she had to be there for her mother when her mother didn’t _want_ her to be, broke her.

But then, Lexa came into her life. She has no idea how it happened, but Lexa was there.

She gave Clarke hope, for some strange reason. 

Lexa was there for her, in a way that Clarke never really felt like she could rely on anybody else.

But they couldn’t _be_. And that broke her heart. It broke her heart that they weren’t able to become what Clarke had dreamed of ever since Chicago.

Because she needs Lexa. She needs the way that the brunette treats her, with such gentleness and care she has never experienced before.

She always had a crush on Lexa, but somehow it grew into something more. She saw _behind_ that gorgeous looking face, beyond that hot body she has grown addicted to.

She got to experience the real Lexa and she loves that person. She loves how dedicated Lexa is to her job. She loves how Lexa helps others, in a way that not many people would.

She loves how Lexa looks at her, those bright green eyes that tell Clarke everything she needs to know.

But Lexa stopped whatever it was that happened between them. She held onto her responsibilities and even though it broke Clarke’s heart, she admires the teacher for that.

She _knows_ that Lexa cares about her, it is written all over her face when green eyes meet blue. She _knows_ that it is hurting Lexa, too.

Lexa truly is the only one who has been trying to help Clarke without judging her and it was so refreshing. Not even Octavia could do what Lexa had done.

Even though it was just the little things, Clarke needed Lexa. She still does.

Her thoughts wander back to the time that she ran into Lexa at the club the very first time.

Clarke had been crushing on her at the time already, but never did she expect her feelings to grow beyond a crush.

It all happened when she noticed how careful Lexa was with her, how much she wanted to help Clarke. And the blonde started to confide in her, something she still is not sure if that was the right thing to do.

But then, the blonde saw her at the club again, in the restrooms, making out with another woman that had Clarke jealous and turned on at the same time. In that moment she knew she cared more about Lexa than she should have.

And from that moment on, she just kept caring, more every time she saw her.

She grew addicted to watch the teacher work from her seat in the lecture room. She couldn’t keep her eyes off of Lexa, admiring the beautiful woman.

She started to love those small smiles they exchanged, the way her heart started to flutter whenever she spotted the teacher in the hallways.

She admired the brunettes calm voice, talking to her, teaching during classes.

Lexa broke her heart, but Clarke understands. She knows why Lexa did what she did. She just wishes that they could have just… had more time together. One night wasn’t nearly enough.

One night of the gentlest touches, the most passionate kisses that Clarke has ever experienced, even after having had multiple sex partners. With Lexa it had been different.

It had been real, and Clarke meant every moment of it. She meant it when she told the brunette she loved her, hating that she was too weak to tell her when the teacher was awake.

And Clarke misses her. She misses her smile, that lights up the entire room. She misses the conversations they had – how easy it was for Clarke to be around Lexa.

She misses how gentle Lexa used to be with her.

Ever since they got back from Chicago, Clarke knows that Lexa has been avoiding her and the blonde had done the exact same thing.

She had skipped some of Lexa’s classes, simply unable to look at the teacher. Her heart aching with a longing that she has never known in her life before.

But today is different.

It worries Clarke, that when she steps into Lexa’s lecture room, that the teacher is nowhere to be found.

Lexa is never late. Clarke knows this very well and she can’t shake the feeling that something has happened. She settles next to Octavia at their usual spot, taking out her notepad and a pen, ready for the class to start, but the unsettling feeling in her stomach never really leaves.

“Almost weekend.” Octavia groans deeply, slouching in her seat. “Lexa is never late.”

“That is what I was thinking.” Shaking her head, Clarke tries to shrug off her worry.

They wait for more than fifteen minutes, all students lightly worried, chatting with each other about what could have happened to Lexa.

The teacher may not know it, but everybody is quite fond of her, despite her intimidating way of teaching sometimes. She is loved by everybody, especially the students that went on the trip to Chicago.

After what she did for Jasper and Octavia, trying to help everybody, being genuinely interested in everybody’s plans, they had definitely all softened up towards her.

But Clarke already had, even long before the trip to Chicago.

But right now, sitting in a classroom without Lexa, the chair behind her desk empty, the blonde has to swallow away a big lump in her throat. Even Murphy seems worried, quietly listening to the things that students come up with, what might have happened to their teacher.

She closes her eyes, leaning into her chair as she tries to ignore her classmates ranting about the possibilities.

She can’t help but think back, to the first time that Lexa found her on the sidewalk. Lexa had been so kind, genuine and interested in her. She had only tried to help Clarke when she confessed her strained relationship with her mother.

Her mother just… changed. After Clarke’s father passed away, she started drinking, probably to numb the pain.

And Clarke understood why she did it. She did. But she didn’t understand why her mother pulled back from her completely, even when Clarke just wanted to help, when Clarke was the only thing she had left.

She promised her father she’d take care of her mother and Clarke just couldn’t walk away, not even when her mother started fighting her about the stupidest things.

She didn’t leave when her mother cut her off, took her creditcard without reason. She stayed after her mother kept forgetting about her and she just wishes that her father was still here.

He would have known what to do. Clarke had been just about ready to fall apart, when Lexa came into her life.

The teacher may not have done so much, but it was enough. The hope that maybe, one day, she would be strong enough to get professional help for her mother instead of struggling with it herself, so that things would finally work out the way she wants them to.

And Lexa had been there. She had taken Clarke home multiple times, had listened to her. And the blonde hadn’t wanted anything more than for the teacher to talk back.

She wanted to know Lexa. As soon as she found out that the teacher had lost her parents when she was a teenager, she knew that Lexa understood that pain, maybe in a different way, but pain nonetheless.

It was something they shared, even though their situations were so different. And Clarke loves that Lexa had been taking care of her, when she also should have taken care of herself.

There had just been something about her that pulled Clarke in, maybe the strange kindness in her piercing green eyes that seemed only reserved for the blonde.

She remembers the kiss. She remembers how good it made her feel, she felt so fucking safe and cared for like never before. How gentle Lexa was with her just cracked her up inside.

She remembers how perfect it had felt to be in her arms, being able to kiss those plumb lips, look into those intriguing green eyes from up close.

How it had felt to have her naked skin against her own. How her skin had been on fire, how she had wanted nothing more than to feel that every fucking night.

Lexa didn’t change her mind then, though.

But that didn’t stop Clarke from caring, from wanting to know how the teacher is doing. And the worry she feels right now, is so heavy that it is nauseating her, but she tries to hide how much it affects her.

Even though Octavia knows about everything that has happened between Clarke and Lexa, the blonde has refused to speak about it the past few weeks, trying to recover, trying to move on, but she has failed miserably - so far.

They are still waiting in the class, when the door opens. Clarke’s instant disappointment when Gustus walks in fades when she notices the worried look on his face, even from a distance.

“Settle down, everybody.” Gustus is standing near Lexa’s desk, leaning on it heavily when he sighs. “I have some news about Miss Woods.”

Every single student falls quiet, and Clarke can feel her heart racing in her chest. This is it.

“Miss Woods was on her way to work this morning, when something went wrong. She has had a terrible accident not too far from campus. She is currently at St. John’s, where they are operating on her. I have no idea how she is doing or how bad the situation is.” Gustus shakes his head. “For now, this class is dismissed. We will try to update you throughout the day, the rest of your classes will continue.”

The blonde can feel all the blood drain from her face. She had been right to worry. She had been right when that feeling in her gut told her that something was terribly wrong.

She barely registers Octavia’s comforting hand on her arm as she sinks further into her chair, barely able to move.

 _Lexa_.

Every student remains quiet, even after Gustus tells them to join them at the mess hall. They don’t move, trying to understand what just happened.

Everybody is worried. Especially because they have no idea how life-threatening Lexa’s situation is.

“Are you okay?” Octavia mumbles, looking just as worried as every other student in the room.

Clarke opens her mouth to speak, but she isn’t able to find the words. She shakes her head instead.

Slowly, she stands from her seat, taking her backpack with her. She is the very first to move out of the classroom, Octavia quick to follow her.

Jasper and Monty join them as they walk to the mess hall silently.

“I can’t be here.” Clarke shakes her head. There is too much going on in her head right now, too much worry about the woman she cares about.

She escapes outside before anybody has time to stop her.

She wants to go to the hospital, but she knows that won’t help her. She knows that they won’t tell her anything, because she isn’t family.

She can’t breathe as she leans on her knees, her eyes wide as she gasps for air. This cannot be happening.

She makes her way to the library, sinking into one of the chairs in the reading corner. The library is fairly empty, and Clarke closes her eyes.

She breathes in quickly, exhaling slowly. She knows she will have a panic attack if she can’t control her breathing.

She shakes her head in disbelief, picturing the brunette in surgery.

“Please.” She begs to nobody in particular. “Please, be okay.”

\\\

Clarke hadn’t noticed herself dozing off, not until a nudge in her shoulder wakes her up.

Familiar blue eyes look into her own and she wonders what time it is.

“Nyko?” Clarke is surprised when she sees her teacher in front of her. She looks behind him, but he seems to be on his own.

“How long have you been here, Clarke?” Nyko shakes his head with a small, sad smile, sitting down in an empty chair on Clarke’s left.

“Since this morning.” The blonde searches the clock in the library, realising that is in the early afternoon.

“Here, eat.” The teacher hands Clarke a sandwich, which she gratefully takes when she notices her rumbling stomach.

“How did you know I was here?” the blonde asks quietly, between bites.

“Octavia told me she spotted you here.” The teacher smiles sadly. “Look, I know that you and Lexa are… close. I came here to tell you that she is out of surgery.”

“How is she doing?” Clarke’s voice almost cracks. She had tried not to worry too much, but she can’t help herself when she can feel her pulse quicken again.

“She is okay for now, but I have no idea what kind of injuries she has.” Nyko places a comforting hand on Clarke’s arm. The blonde wonders how much Lexa has told him about them.

He sure as hell seems to know that they mean more to each other than they are supposed to.

“You said that you know we are close.” She only mumbles, trying to avoid looking into her teacher’s kind eyes.

“I may have talked to Lexa about… certain things.” He only smiles, but his eyes are sad. Clarke can tell that he cares, but she isn’t sure how to feel about the fact that he and Lexa have been talking.

But if Lexa confided in him, maybe Clarke should trust him, too.

“So you know?” she bluntly asks, now looking into his eyes. She doesn’t even care anymore if another teacher knows.

“Bits and pieces.” His smile falls, but the kind look on his face never fades. “So that is why I am suggesting that maybe you and I go to the hospital to see how she is doing.”

The blonde raises her eyebrows in surprise. She had not expected him to say that, at all. She can’t help but smile when she sees how genuine he is. She has always liked him.

He was the kind of teacher that reminded her of her own father, the funny, sweet type that couldn’t be hated by anyone.

“Okay.” She nods, feeling slightly relieved. She wouldn’t have known what to do alone. She can hardly go there on her own when she barely knows any of Lexa’s friends.

She hates that she is in a position like this – not able to visit Lexa when she wants that the most.

The only thing that still goes through her mind as she follows Nyko through the school, is if Lexa would _want_ her to be there.

\\\

Nyko talks to three people in the hospital – two women and a man. The man looks familiar to Clarke and one of the women as well.

She tries to think back of when she would have met any of them, when it dawns upon her. The man is the guy she had initially thought was Lexa’s boyfriend and the familiar woman is the one that Lexa had been kissing thoroughly at the Ark.

Normally, she would be jealous. But now, the worry for the brunette is too big.

Yet, she feels uncomfortable. Out of place.

She shouldn’t be here.

She doesn’t belong here.

Shaking her head to herself, she is about to walk away when a woman calls her name.

She turns around slowly, curious as to what the woman wants from her. It is the woman that Lexa made out with, and Clarke tries to remember her name, but she can’t.

“Clarke.” The woman speaks again, now standing closer. She is beautiful – her brown eyes kind, but distant, her dirty-blonde hair long and wavy. High eyebrows and excellent cheekbones, she looks kind of intimidating, but the small smile on her lips makes it go away.

She is wearing fancy clothes and the blonde feels out of place even more.

“I’m Echo, Lexa’s friend.” She introduces herself. “I believe we have met before.”

Slowly rising her arm to shake Echo’s hand, Clarke nods hesitantly.

“I think I should go.” The student just says, wanting to walk away again, but Echo stops her.

“Can we speak somewhere more… private?” the other woman asks, making the blonde stop in her tracks.

“Why?” she eyes the other woman uncomfortably.

“Just trust me.” Echo speaks again, her smile faltered as she walks ahead of Clarke, leaving Nyko and the other two with surprised looks on their faces.

The student sighs, following the girl through the hallways of the hospital, trying to find a place more private.

The only place they find is the waiting room, where Echo sits down. Clarke leaves a chair between them when she sits down, too, trying not to show how nervous she is about the whole situation.

She still doesn’t know how Lexa is. She still doesn’t know why Echo wants to talk to her and she can feel her stomach turn.

She feels shitty.

“I know about you and Lexa.” Echo simply says, no judgement in her voice whatsoever.

“Geez, how many people did she tell?” Clarke feels annoyed. She feels annoyed because she wants to be angry with Lexa. She wants to be able to let her go and she can’t and it annoys her to no end.

“She didn’t tell me. I kind of figured it out after you caught us at the Ark.” The other woman is dead serious and Clarke still wonders where this conversation will go.

“So what do you want from me, then?” she asks, looking at her hands in her lap, starting to fumble because she simply has no idea what else to do.

“Do you care about Lexa?” the question comes as a surprise.

The blonde thinks about the answer for a moment, staring into the waiting room, trying to find the right words.

“Yeah, I do.” She sighs, feeling caught.

“I figured.” Echo smiles again, but Clarke doesn’t look at her.

“How?”

“Because you wouldn’t be here now if you didn't care as much as you do. I can only imagine how uncomfortable you must be.”

“Right.” Clarke purses her lips, nodding lightly.

“She cares about you, too, you know.” Echo scrapes her throat, as if she is preparing to start a speech.

“Like that matters.” The blonde scoffs. “She probably wouldn’t want me to be here.”

“That is the thing, Clarke. I think she _would_.” Echo’s voice lowers as she speaks. “Anya and Lincoln don’t know anything about you and Lexa and I won’t tell them. That is up to Lexa. But if you want, I can wait here with you so you can visit her.”

“Anya and Lincoln?”

“The other two you just saw.” The older woman explains.

Clarke opens her mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. She feels strange.

She wishes that none of this had to happen. She wishes that she shouldn’t have to be talking to Echo, she wishes that she shouldn’t have to worry about Lexa’s medical condition.

She wishes she could let it all go, but she can’t. Her heart can’t.

She cares for Lexa too much. She is in too deep.

Her heart aches for the teacher. Lexa didn’t deserve any of this. She deserves to live, to be happy. She has seen too much shit in her life already.

The blonde thinks back of the conversation she had with Lexa when they brought Octavia to the hospital after her mother died.

She remembers the pain written on Lexa’s face, how she tried to hide it. But Clarke saw right through her then.

All she wanted to do back then was just hold her. To be there for Lexa, but the brunette didn’t let her. And Clarke hates that. She hates that Lexa never let her in completely, while she wanted nothing more than to share.

“Are you okay?” Echo’s gentle voice sounds, and the blonde snaps up from her thoughts.

She didn’t realise she was crying, not until the brown eyes are looking at her in concern.

“I’m good.” The student sniffles, trying to hold back her tears.

But she is still too afraid. Too afraid of what she will find in Lexa’s room. Too afraid of losing her, one way or another.

But she realises she didn’t even have her in the first place.

“It is just fucked up.” She confesses, needing somebody to talk to. She does trust Echo, even though she is basically a stranger, but she just doesn’t really have anybody else to talk to.

She stopped bothering Octavia with that weeks ago.

“What is?” Echo asks calmly, clearly trying to comfort Clarke.

“The whole thing. I don’t know how much you know, but just… Lexa doesn’t let me in.”

“I know. She can be an idiot sometimes.” Echo smiles playfully, making Clarke forget her tears shortly. “It has been bothering her more than she shows, Clarke. She changed after Chicago.”

“Why are you doing this? You don’t even know me.” Clarke’s blue eyes look into brown.

“You are right about that. But I do know Lexa. She is my best friend and I know what you mean to _her_.” She explains, her voice still gentle, her facial expression never really changing.

“She probably hasn’t changed her mind about the whole teacher-student thing.” The blonde sighs.

“It is complicated. Lexa tends to do the right thing, even if that means breaking her own heart. I honestly don’t know what she will do.”

Nodding, Clarke looks back at her fumbling hands. She is not sure what to think of this conversation. Echo seems friendly and kind, trustworthy even. But she still doesn’t know what she means to Lexa and the other way around.

“You said you are her best friend?” she tries, earning her another playful look.

“Yes.”

“Can I ask then what you two were doing in that restroom at the Ark months ago?”

“Going right for it.” Echo laughs lightly, seeming to be amused by it all, but Clarke just has to know. “We used to sleep together. But never were there any feelings involved.”

“Friends with benefits.” Clarke shakes her head. Lexa is not the type for that, but the blonde realises now how little she knows about her.

“You could say that.” Echo grins, making Clarke grin as well. “Trust me when I say that we were never together, and we never will be.”

“Okay.” Clarke’s grin falters, leaning back in her chair. “Have you heard yet what her injuries are?”

“I have.” The woman nods. “I will be honest with you Clarke, it doesn’t look good. She may be alive, but they are keeping her in a coma.”

Clarke’s worry is back instantly, her blue eyes searching Echo’s face. “Why?”

“She hit her head pretty hard. She broke a few ribs badly, lost a lot of blood. Her leg was crushed in the wreckage, her bones broken to a point where they are not sure they can fix it.”

The blonde nods, feeling another rush of sadness wash over her. The realisation that she is just alone, really. Nobody here knows her, nobody here understands what she went through and all she wants is Lexa.

She wants to make sure that Lexa will be okay, she wants to take care of her. She wants to tell her that everything will be alright, that she has nothing to worry about.

“I will go see if Anya and Lincoln are still there. I will pick you up when they are gone, sound good?” Echo rises from her chair.

The blonde can only nod.

\\\

Lexa looks horrible.

Clarke can’t take it, not really.

Echo takes her into the room, trying to prepare her for Lexa’s condition but the blonde is still shocked, to say the least.

Lexa is lying in a bed, her face awfully pale. Her long curls are displayed around her head on the pillow.

An enormous bruise on the left side of her face, bandages wrapped around them. More bandages in her neck, covering up something that Clarke thinks is a wound. A tube in her mouth, breathing for her.

Her arms lifelessly beside her torso and her left leg in a huge cast.

The thing that bothers Clarke the most is the colour of her skin. Lexa look so fucking pale, almost grey.

The blonde can’t help but check the woman’s chest constantly, seeing if she is still breathing.

It feels stupid. Clarke has seen her fair share of patients, when her mother worked at the hospital and she sometimes came here during summers as an apprentice.

Her mother wanted her to be a doctor, too, but she never really felt it. She never really could handle all the pain and sadness that came looking at the job.

Like this.

Clarke lingers in the doorway, not really able to walk much closer as she tries to hold back her emotions.

She wants to speak, but she lacks the words.

Echo doesn’t speak. The other woman sits beside Lexa’s bed, giving Clarke all the time she needs and the blonde has no idea why Echo is doing this, but she is beyond caring at this point.

The only thing she cares about is Lexa. That beautiful face, those plumb lips. Clarke slowly moves to the free side of Lexa’s bed, trying to ignore the disturbingly beeping machines.

Her hand reaches up slowly, resting on Lexa’s bare forearm, but she pulls it back. She can’t do this.

She shouldn’t be here.

She escapes before Echo can stop her.

\\\

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not the best chapter so far, but i just wanted to let you guys take a peek in Clarke's feelings.


	11. damaged

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lexa wakes up..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it might get a little angstier before it gets better...
> 
> so i know i have already announced the 16 chapers, but if you guys look at me with puppy eyes i might add a few more chapters of fluff. Only if you want that.
> 
> i would definitely do that for you because this is my favourite fic i have ever written and i have received so much love from you all!!! so thank you for that!!

\\\

She wakes up to bright, painful lights, instantly closing her eyes again. She groans in pain, her whole body is hurting and she feels fucking exhausted. She is tired, her limbs are heavy and her head is throbbing with a certain pain she has never experienced before.

She tries to crack open an eye again, but the lights are too bright, still.

Then, she chokes. She chokes on something in her throat, she is starting to panic, but there is a voice.

“Miss Woods, everything is alright. You have a tube in your mouth and we will remove it now.” The voice is gentle, belonging to a man and Lexa has no idea what he is talking about.

She tries to calm her racing heart, tries to ignore the pain in her body as she can feel something slide out of her trachea uncomfortably.

She coughs, but tries to stop it when she feels like her ribs are being pulled out of her body.

She almost screams in pain, but she is being pushed back into the bed, a needle stuck in her arm as she opens her eyes well this time.

The light is incredibly painful, but she watches a few nurses and a doctor around her, now noticing the rapidly beeping machines around her.

“What?” she is confused, her body aching and she is hungry. But the nurse sticks the needle in her arm, pushing some kind of liquid into her veins. “What is that?”

“Morphine, Miss Woods.” The same voice sounds again. Lexa tries to calm herself, looking at the kind man that stands at the end of her bed.

She recognizes this place. She’s in St. John’s hospital.

“How did I get here?” she notices how raspy her voice sounds, how it hurts to speak. How it hurts to do basically anything.

“You were in a car accident, ma’am. You were waiting for the traffic lights, but the driver behind you pushed the gas pedal instead of the breaks. Pushed you onto the intersection, where you were t-boned by another car. It is a miracle that you are still alive, Miss Woods.”

Groaning in pain again, Lexa tries to remember. She can see flashes of herself trying to steer away from the upcoming traffic and failing, and she can feel her breathing becoming erratic, her chest squeezing so badly she can’t breathe. She is panicking.

“What about the other drivers?” she gasps, trying to sit up to breathe better, but tears escape her eyes when another sting of pain shoots through her entire body.

“You have to calm down, Miss. You are heavily injured. We had to keep you under for about a week.”

“I… I can’t breathe.” Lexa panics, her throat squeezing closed as she tries to fight to get air. A nurse is by her side, making her breathe into a plastic bag, gently caressing her arm. It works.

Slowly, Lexa calms down, trying to comprehend what had happened. When she thinks of the accident, she is having flashbacks.

To almost fifteen years ago, a certain day in July, when her parents died in a similar crash.

But she has to know. “Are how are the other drivers?”

The doctor shakes his head, a sad smile on his face. “The driver that came up from your left, didn’t make it.”

Lexa stops breathing momentarily. She closes her eyes, leaning back as she lets everything wash over her. The physical pain, the realisation of what has happened.

The fact that somebody had to die because it.

“You were very, very lucky, Miss Woods. You had a cardiac arrest on the scene, but luckily there was a bystander that performed CPR. That is what saved you.”

“I died?” Lexa’s eyes grow wide, now feeling the morphine in her system. She starts to relax, her head feeling lighter than before, her thoughts blurry.

“Yes, but not for long. And the fact that you are here, talking and moving, indicates that there is probably no permanent brain damage. As I said, Miss Woods. _Very_ lucky.”

\\\

When she wakes up again, she remembers instantly where she is. The pain is less, but she still aches everywhere. She feels light-headed, knowing that it is probably the morphine working in her system.

But still, her head is throbbing in pain and she groans when she can’t even think because of it.

“Lexa.” A familiar voice sounds, a soft, comfortable voice that has Lexa trying to open her eyes.

“Echo.” The brunette tries to smile, but she is unable.

“You should get some more rest.” Echo smiles lightly, her hand on Lexa’s arm, a worried look in her eyes.

“I’m fine.” Lexa breathes, clenching her jaw.

That comment has Echo laugh lightly, shaking her head in mild amusement. “You are not fine, Lexa. Should I call a nurse?”

“No, I am good.” Lexa refuses. She doesn’t want any more painkillers.

Echo falls quiet and the brunette closes her eyes. She has no idea what to feel. She has no idea what to do. She can only lie in bed, trying to overcome the pain that is distracting her from thinking.

“Clarke visited a few times.” Echo then speaks, making Lexa snap up her eyes, causing a flash of pain to shoot through her head. She ignores it, trying to focus on what Echo is telling her.

“Clarke?”

“That girl cares about you, Lexa. Really.” Echo smiles lightly.

“I…” she can’t speak. She closes her eyes, trying to rest her body well enough to lighten the pain. She had not expected Clarke to actually come here, not after what Lexa did to her. “I broke her heart.”

“I know.” The smile is still on Echo’s lips and Lexa tries to relax in her bed. “Yet I keep finding her here.”

“Did you tell Anya and Lincoln?” Lexa mutters, trying to figure out what to do. She has no idea where to go from here.

“Of course I didn’t. That is up to you.” The older woman shakes her head.

“How is Clarke?” Lexa tries, already exhausted from being awake this long. Her head is spinning and all she really wants is the pain to just stop.

“You can ask her yourself.” Echo motions her head towards the door.

Lexa tries to smile, but the pain is so overwhelming that she passes out.

\\\

She wakes up with less pain than before. But she feels more light-headed and she already knows that they gave her extra morphine.

She opens her eyes, trying to breathe a little. She spots Clarke sleeping in a chair in her room, wanting to reach out, but Lexa’s mind distracts her.

For some weird reason, her muscles have been tense ever since the accident, as if she is unable to just lie and relax.

She feels the tension in her entire body and it bothers her.

She can’t help but feel guilty. Guilty about the whole accident, that she couldn’t manage to steer away. The other driver fucking died.

Because of her, somebody died.

That thought only takes her back to the accident with her parents and her memories are so fucking vivid that her heart races as if she were there again.

She can’t breathe, something suffocating her, panic rising in her chest as her eyes widen. Her hands cramp, her ribs throbbing with pain.

That pain shoots through her entire body and it is not helping. It only makes things worse.

She tries to breathe, tries to calm her aching heart while the tears fall.

She is fucking hurting.

“Lexa!” Clarke is near her instantly, trying to fix her pillow, her soft hand on Lexa’s arm.

Lexa tries to breathe, panting heavily as she closes her eyes. She remembers she should control her breathing, perhaps that will help.

But Clarke’s touches already calm her heart subtly, and the way Lexa starts to breathe helps.

“Clarke.” She can only whisper, staring into those blue eyes, not even noticing how Clarke is hovering above her in an uncomfortable position. Those blue eyes distract Lexa from what she was panicking about in the first place. “Why are you here?”

The blonde only smiles lightly, her left hand reaching up to cup the uninjured side of Lexa’s face so gently that the teacher has no choice but to lean into it. “Because I couldn’t stay away from you.”

The brunette tries to smile, but her panic attack is overwhelming.

Clarke notices, pulling back lightly to sit on the edge of Lexa’s bed.

The teacher’s hand instantly finds Clarke’s, holding onto it so tightly that she feels she might break the blonde’s bones, but the younger woman doesn’t flinch.

“I…” Lexa chokes out. Her body aches, her heart aches. It all fucking hurts. “It hurts.”

“I know. I can get a nurse for you if you want.” The blonde is calm, and that is all that Lexa needs.

She hates to admit it, but she can’t go through this without more painkillers. She nods carefully, a tear streaming down her face. She hates that she is dependent on others, that she is so vulnerable and that people have to take care of her. That she isn’t able to even move in the slightest.

Without another word, Clarke rises from the bed, leaving the room. She returns about five minutes later with a nurse behind her.

“I hear you are in a great deal of pain.” The nurse smiles, checking Lexa’s chart. “I will talk to the doctor to see if we can increase your medication, okay?”

“Okay.” Lexa only breathes.

“I will be right back, Miss Woods.” She leaves the room and Clarke moves back to sit on the chair, shuffling it a little closer to Lexa’s bed.

“You don’t _have_ to be here, Clarke.” The brunette mumbles, but reaches for her anyways.

Clarke instantly takes Lexa’s hand between her own, pressing a gentle kiss on it.

“I know, Lexa. I _want_ to be here. If you want me to go, then I will go, but until then you are stuck with me.”

“I don’t want you to go.” It is only a small whisper, but Lexa knows it is the truth.

The blonde seems to be the only one capable of calming Lexa, even if it is just in the slightest bit.

“Then I will stay.” The tiniest smile is on the corner of Clarke’s lips and Lexa wants nothing more than to feel them against her own, but she can’t. She knows she can’t.

“I broke your heart.” She realises once again, closing her eyes.

“I don’t care.”

“You should.” Lexa shakes her head lightly.

“Why?”

“Because I will do it again.” She replies. She remembers how much she has thought about this the past weeks. She remembers how afraid she is about it all, knowing she will only break her heart again.

“Break my heart?” blue eyes bore into green.

“Yes.”

“You don’t want me.” Realisation dawns upon the blonde and Lexa hates how she pulls back her hands.

“I never said that, Clarke.”

“Don’t do that. Don’t fucking do that. Don’t go saying that you care and then pull back again. I can’t take it.” She sounds frustrated and Lexa doesn’t blame her.

“Clarke…” she breathes, closing her eyes because her head just won’t stop spinning. “I am just… I don’t know where to go from here. _Look_ at me.”

“I _am_ looking at you!” Clarke stands from her chair. “I have been looking at you for the past week, when you were under in a fucking coma and none of us knew if you were going to survive!”

Lexa swallows deeply, the guilt already rising in her chest.

“Clarke, I am just saying that… I… I don't want you to see me like this. You have enough on your mind.” Her voice cracks, tears welling up that blur her vision.

“Why won’t you let me help you?” the blonde’s voice lowers in frustration.

“I… I don’t know.” Lexa doesn't find the words. The only thing she wants to do right now is push the blonde away, so that she won’t have to deal with this all.

Lexa knows that she has a long road ahead, physically and mentally and she just won’t bother Clarke with it all.

“You have enough on your mind, Clarke.” The brunette shakes her head lightly, subtly enough so the pain doesn’t feel worse.

“You are once again deciding for me, Lexa. Why can’t you just let me decide if I can take it or not?” that husky voice that Lexa loves, softens with every word.

“I just… I am a mess, Clarke.”

“You are a bit of a hypocrite, you know that?” the blonde chuckles subtly, but it falls before Lexa can really enjoy the sound. “All you do is help people around you, but you refuse to people help _you_ for once.”

Lexa knows that Clarke is right. She knows. But she just can’t put all of that on the blonde, because she knows Clarke will feel responsible. She needs to figure things out, on her own.

“Can we just…” Lexa clenches her jaw when another flash of pain thrills her body.

Clarke is near her again instantly, worry written on her features. “Are you okay?”

“Fine.” The brunette mutters, hating how bad she feels. “I can’t have this conversation now.”

Clarke only nods understandingly.

Lexa has no idea why the blonde keeps showing up. She has no idea why she keeps coming back while the brunette continuously breaks her heart.

Clarke is so fucking loyal that it hurts her to the core.

She doesn’t deserve somebody like the student. She doesn’t deserve anything.

“Do you want me to stay away, then?” Clarke asks sadly, her thumbs caressing Lexa’s hand.

“I don’t know, Clarke. I don’t know anything right now.”

Clarke nods, rising from the bed. “I will be a phone call away if you need anything.”

With that, she turns on her heels, leaving Lexa’s room.

She groans in frustration, despising herself for what she is.

She hates herself, more as the minutes pass.

\\\

Clarke hasn’t been visiting her after that.

She hasn’t been able to get much rest, her mind is racing when she isn’t on too much morphine, her body throbbing with pain and she can’t just let it go.

She can’t do anything, she is stuck to her bed and the thoughts going through her mind are rather depressing.

The moments that she does get some sleep, she wakes up screaming because of the nightmares that pop up.

Every fucking time.

She has panic attacks. More than she can count, but she hides it from everybody else. She hides it from the nurses and doctors, she hides it from her friends. She hides it because they worry about her more than enough.

Nyko, Niylah, Ryder, Echo, Lincoln and Anya - every single one of them have that similar look on their faces when they walk into the room.

Some kind of pity mixed with guilt.

She doesn’t understand why they do that, but it annoys her to no end.

Everything annoys her – the nurses, the fact she can’t do anything, the fact that she feels like her life is over. The fact she can’t fucking sleep because all she dreams about is her parents faces as they scream in agony, reliving her accidents in vivid dreams.

She is reliving her past all over again, even though she thought she was beyond that phase.

She can’t stop thinking about the person that lost his life when he drove into her car. She can’t believe it. And it bothers her so much that she can feel how much she has changed since the accident.

She can’t blame anybody for the accident but herself. So she does.

She blames herself. For everything. For her life, for the mistakes she has made, for the things that have happened.

It is tearing her apart.

She is exhausted. But she has severely broken ribs, a severe concussion, her left leg broken in many places, almost crushed and she knows she will need a lot of physical therapy before she will even be able to walk again. They even told her that she might lose her foot.

She is so beyond caring about her own shit that she wouldn’t even mind. She just punishes herself for the thing that is her life, for the people she involved in her own mess. She closes herself off for everybody around her.

She hates this.

She hates every fucking second of it.

Sometimes, Octavia and other students visit her as well and she is glad for the distraction, but her progress is going so slow that she is getting angry at everyone. She tries to hold it in – because it is not their fault, but the frustration is so big, so consuming that Lexa can’t help but snap sometimes.

She wants to do so many things but she is limited. She can’t.

Lexa tries to hide it all because she knows it’ll only worry the people around her.

And she hates that, too.

She hates that she has too much time to think about the mess that is her life. She tries to distract herself, but being crippled isn’t really much of a help.

The days pass by slowly and Lexa can’t tell if she is getting somewhere. She hates the doctors, she hates being a patient and she hates not being able to get home.

She is so fucking tired and wishes she could just sleep without waking up in sweat, crying because she is reliving every fucking traumatic event that ever happened in her life, her heart aching so bad that she just wants it to stop forever.

“Hey.” She hears a voice and she looks at the door in her room, watching as Anya peeks to see if Lexa’s ready for her to come in.

Lexa only smiles lightly, lying in bed after a long, exhausting day of trying to become better.

“You’re really stubborn, you know that?” her cousin teases, her hazel eyes sparkling for the first time in a long time.

“I’m not.”

“I spoke to the nurses.”

Rolling her eyes, Lexa can’t help but smile lightly. “Of course you did.”

“You should take it easy, Lexa. Your body can only take so much.” Anya sits down beside the bed.

“How are you?” Lexa asks before her cousin can continue more about Lexa herself.

“Good. But I miss you.” She smiles lightly, her darker eyes worried.

A small smile breaks through on Lexa’s exhausted face. “I can’t wait to get out of here.”

“I know. You know, Lexa, I have been wondering. There is this girl that had been visiting you at the beginning, but I haven’t seen her around lately. Who is she?”

Closing her eyes, Lexa shakes her head. “A student of mine.”

Lexa’s cousin raises a brow, but the brunette doesn’t speak more.

“You know you can tell me everything, right? I know that Echo has been covering up whatever it is going on and I am not sure why you can’t trust me like you trust Echo.” There is slight hurt in Anya’s voice.

“I never told Echo. She kind of figured it out herself.” The brunette mumbles, trying to sit up.

“Figured out what?” Anya’s voice isn’t judging and Lexa is grateful for it, but she is still uncomfortable with it all.

“Something happened between me and Clarke that shouldn’t have happened between a teacher and a student.”

“You banged her.” Anya’s grin is so smug that Lexa just wants to smack it away, rolling her eyes.

“Shut up.” She growls, but she has to let out a chuckle when she sees her cousin’s teasing eyes. “Remember that I went to Chicago? We kissed. And yes, we slept together.”

“And?” Anya seems to be getting impatient, but the teasing sparkle is still in her eyes.

“I wanted more, but I couldn't.” The brunette closes her eyes, trying to remember how it felt like to kiss Clarke. It feels like three lifetimes ago, but she can still taste her in her memory.

“You care.” Anya just nods, her face falling more serious as she leans back into her chair. Her tone is still just observant, while Lexa had expected more judgement from her cousin.

Usually, Anya could be pretty harsh about her decisions, but Lexa thinks that she may have calmed down because of the accident.

“I care.” She just nods, trying to avoid making eye contact with Anya.

“She cares, too.” Her cousin states.

“So I’ve heard.” Lexa can only smile subtly. She is too tired to actually smile.

“What are you going to do about it?”

“Right now, nothing.” The brunette sighs, closing her eyes as she lies back. “I am too messed up.”

“If you wait for the right time, Lexa, you will never get together with her.”

“Why does everybody keep wanting me to be with her?” the brunette snaps. Everybody seems to be minding her business and even though she likes that they care about that, they shouldn’t be talking to her like this.

Anya scrapes her throat. “I don’t want to intervene, Lexa. I am sorry.”

“Yeah.”

“If you ever want to talk about it, you know where to find me.”

“Thanks, Ahn.”

\\\

She finally can feel herself starting to get stronger after a few weeks of torture in the hospital. Her ribs are healing, her head is pounding less and less and she can shower now standing, even with the cast around her leg and nurses trying to help her.

Clarke hasn’t visited the few weeks after their ‘fight’. Lexa has to admit that maybe her approach hasn’t been too smart, but she can’t help but want to fix this. But she can't fix it when she hasn't fixed herself.

She just wants things to get back to the way they were before, even though she knows it is impossible. She has gone through too much.

She is fucked up too much. She keeps having nightmares, she keeps reliving the accidents. She keeps feeling that certain anxiety that she can’t quite put her finger on.

But that doesn’t stop her from wanting to help Clarke, wanting to fix everything that has happened.

Today she is finally going to the nurses to get her cast removed from her leg before they discharge her.

“Alright, to strengthen your leg you will have to come every week to the therapy sessions. You will have it together with… Miss Reyes. She has had an accident at work, lost her foot and she will need to recover just about as bad as you.” The nurse smiles, but it falls away when she sees Lexa’s leg. “I have doubts if you are able to walk again, Miss Woods.”

“Do you need to amputate?” the brunette bluntly asks. It is something they have warned her for and she has been mentally preparing herself for that.

“We took a photo yesterday and it looks like there was a damaged nerve, and your muscles are damaged as well. How much can you feel?” the nurse massages Lexa’s muscles and she tries not to wince in pain. But when the nurse goes to her ankle and her foot, Lexa can feel nothing.

“You’re saying I will be permanently paralysed?”

“Either that or perhaps a surgery.” The woman speaks, an apologetic look on her face. “Your physical therapist will keep an eye on everything as you progress there. You will have to hold in account we might have to do the surgery.”

“When will I know more?” Lexa bites her lips as she tries to wiggle the toes on her left foot, but she isn’t able to do anything. They are not moving.

“We will take more photos in a week, Miss Woods. But if you keep having pain, you can come here earlier. Your first session with Dr. Shaw will also reveal what he thinks. He has seen more cases like this and when he says there is hope, there is hope. But if there isn’t, we might not have a choice but to operate.”

“Alright.” Lexa clenches her jaw. Permanently paralysed or amputated. She knows she should be grateful for still being alive. She knows she must be grateful for a chance to recover, though her leg will never work anymore. It looks scary. Her bones must have come through her skin, leaving bright pink scars.

Her muscles are sore and she hates how much pain it gives her.

Her whole body is different now. She has seen herself in the mirror. She has seen everything when she took showers.

She looks skinnier, having lost weight. She has scars everywhere, as if she has been thrown through glass walls multiple times. And she is going to have to live with it.

She has a large scar on her stomach, because she knows she was punctured in her liver. She has a scar in her neck, glass almost cutting open her carotid artery. A few more cuts that might fade over the years, but she is scarred for life because of the big ones. Not to mention the mental damage she will have to suffer from.

She can feel the nausea when realisation dawns upon her – that she will never be the same.

She will always just be _damaged_.

“Are you alright?” the nurse look into Lexa’s eyes carefully.

“I will be, one day.” She can only smile lightly.

“I’ll go get your crutches. But I highly recommend that you rest as much as possible – your ribs are still really fragile and your body is still recovering from the loss of blood. Don’t put any weight on your leg. I will give you a standard brace, recommended by Dr. Shaw. This way you won’t have to hold up the weight of your leg yourself.”

Returning with some crutches, the nurse sits down.

“Is anybody here to pick you up?” the nurse then asks, handing Lexa the papers for her discharge.

“Yeah.” She only mumbles, trying out the crutches that the nurse handed her.

They seem to be the right height, as Lexa stands. She ignores the pain in her head as she tries to steady herself.

The nurse squats down, holding a black leg brace. She puts it on Lexa’s leg, over her pants.

It is indeed a brace that helps Lexa hold up her lifeless foot.

“Don’t put too much weight on your leg just yet if you take it off at night. Just wait for the physical therapy next week, alright? Can you make it next Thursday at four?”

“Yes.” Lexa grabs her phone, putting the appointment in her online calendar. “Who clears me for work?”

“I do. And you are definitely not cleared. Not when your ribs aren’t healed entirely and not when you can’t properly do things by yourself.”

“I can work from behind a desk.” Lexa tries, but the nurse shakes her head.

“At least another month before you can go back.” She says, a sympathetic smile on her face.

“Well, fine then.” Lexa grumbles, hating this.

The only thing that she is grateful for, is that she has good health insurance and that she will get paid by the University for the time she has to recover.

She waits for her cousin, sitting down in the waiting room.

In the hospital, she has had plenty of time to think it all through. She knows that everything is changed. She knows she still cares about Clarke, so fucking much, despite all her struggles. Despite the fact that she knows she has mental issues. Clarke is the only thing she is sure of. Even though she knows that it can never really become _something_ , not as long as she is going through something so difficult.

The only goal is to make it up to her. To make it right.

Lexa spots Anya in the pristine white halls of the hospital, a smug smile on her face when she sees her cousin.

“Ready to go?” Anya bends down to grab Lexa’s bag.

“You have no idea.” The teacher smiles happily, glad that she can finally come home.

She really has to get used to the crutches and walking with them goes slow and exhausts her, hurting her chest to no end, but she won’t ever admit that. She struggles to get outside, to Anya’s car.

“How are things?” Her cousin asks, putting Lexa in her car, the crutches and bag in the back.

“Crappy. I might be paralysed in from my ankle down for the rest of my life. Or, they will amputate eventually.” Lexa leans back into the seat, happy that she is finally able to be outside again, away from those white rooms.

As Anya carefully drives her home, Lexa can’t help but feel incredibly tense. She is back in a car, and anything could happen. She holds onto the door for dear life, watching every single thing that is happening on the road.

Anya clearly notices. “It is good for you to be back in a car. That way you won’t be too afraid next time.”

“Next time what? Next time I get an accident?”

“That won’t happen.” The other woman shakes her head.

“Yeah, I thought that too after the first time.” Lexa mutters, holding onto the door, feeling her muscles cramp due to all the stress she is going through.

She hates this. She hates that she is holding on for dear life. She hates that she is so afraid.

“I’m sorry, Lexa. I am sorry that this had to happen to you again.” Anya is clearly more emotional than Lexa has ever seen her, making her heart soften ever so slightly.

“This is not your fault.” Lexa simply says.

“I know. I just wish that there were more that I could do.”

“There is one thing…” Lexa checks her watch.

There is one stop she wants to make.

\\\

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooooo do you guys have an ultimate clexa song? like one song that just reminds you of them or something?
> 
> mine is 'sentimental trick' by Future Jr.
> 
> let me hear yours!!


	12. the cemetery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes, yes, i will write at least two extra chapters, just for you. you are so lucky!!!

\\\

“To where?”

Sighing deeply, Lexa knows she has to face her past. “The cemetery.”

“You haven’t been there in years.” Anya smiles.

“I know. I have been running from my feelings for far too long, now.” Lexa can’t help but sniff a few times, trying to hold in her sobs. Today was not only physically exhausting, but also emotionally draining, just like many other days lately.

Anya rides on the sandy parking lot of the cemetery. Lexa already tries to climb out, but a flash of pain shoots through her chest when she tries to pull herself up.

“Stubborn.” Anya only grumbles, shoving the crutches under Lexa’s arms. The brunette already makes her way to the mobile flower shop to buy her mother’s favourite flowers.

“Do you want me to come with you?”

“I’m good.” Lexa shakes her head, buying the flowers as she makes her way onto the cemetery slowly, struggling with her crutches and the flowers.

The grass is green and cared for, much different from the ground around it. The cemetery is just outside of Polis, dry land around it and a small sandy road leading right to it.

In the distance, Lexa can see the mountains. When she looks the other way, Polis’ skyline contrasts with the land around it.

She smiles sadly, making her way over the trails to find the graves of her parents. They are buried together and Lexa has rarely been here since they died.

Once she finds the stone, she bites her lips in order not to cry. The stone looks clean – as if somebody has been taking care of it for a long time. It hasn’t been her. Lexa hasn’t been here in years and the guilt she feels for that makes her heart ache.

She tries to lean down to lie down the flowers nicely, letting her fingers trace the letters of their names.

“Mom, dad.” She whispers, not being able to stop herself from crying.

She leans on her crutches heavily. “I’m so sorry it took me so long.”

She breathes, her nose running as she tries to control her sobs, but she can’t.

She cries her entire heart out. Everything that she has been holding in the past years, everything that happened in the past weeks.

The loneliness, being so obsessed with work, Clarke, Chicago, the accident, the loss of her parents, the fact she hasn’t been able to sleep for the past weeks. She cries it all out, gasping for air between her sobs. She tries to hold quiet, not knowing if there are more people around the cemetery, but she can’t hold it back anymore.

Lexa doesn’t think she has ever cried this hard. She somehow just lets herself feel it all and it is a relief, despite all the pain washing over her, despite her body is hurting so much that only that is reason enough to cry.

“I miss you.” She cracks out, watching her parent’s names on the stone, leaning on it heavily. “God, I miss you so much I can’t breathe. Why did this have to happen? You deserved so much better.”

She can barely stand anymore, her sobs blurring her vision. She can’t hold her own weight anymore, not will all the stress. She tries to sit down on the grass, sobbing in the process.

She buries herself in her jacket, throwing her crutches aside as she tries to ignore the pain in her body.

She just sits there, her hands covering her face as she tries to hold back screams. She can’t control her sobs as the world seems to be crashing down on her.

But then, she hears a voice. A voice that she needs.

“Lexa?”

Lexa looks up, but her vision is so blurry she can’t see who it is, but she would recognize that voice anywhere. She opens her mouth to speak, but no words come out. She has nothing to say. Not now.

“Do you want me to hold you?” Clarke speaks, her voice so soft that Lexa can’t help but nod. The kindness in Clarke’s voice cracks her up even more, crying so hard that she isn’t sure she is able to breathe anymore.

But the student sits down behind Lexa, holding her tightly as she allows Lexa to lean back into her.

The blonde remains behind her, holding her tightly.

The sound of the blonde’s voice is everything that Lexa needs in that moment. “You’re okay.” She mumbles in the brunette’s ear. “I’ve got you.”

It takes about ten minutes for Lexa’s sobs to dissipate. She can’t stop staring at the tombstone, the names of her parents. She can’t stop the images in her mind, of her parents in the car, both bleeding out, while her mother tried to get out of the car desperately, screaming in agony.

“You’re okay, Lexa. I’m with you.” The blonde keeps whispering in her ear. She moves to sit beside Lexa, one arm around her shoulder as she keeps supporting the teacher.

The blonde pulls her in for a hug, and Lexa buries her face in the blonde’s neck, inhaling her scent. All this time, Lexa has done nothing but putting it all away. But so much has happened the past year, so much that has changed Lexa and she can’t stop herself from feeling it all.

She can’t help herself from loving Clarke, from missing her parents and feeling incredibly afraid, _terrified_ from the accident. 

But Clarke just holds her, cupping the back of her head, whispering sweet things in her ear and it is all she needs in this moment.

She pulls back so lightly, leaning her forehead against Clarke’s. She then notices the blonde’s own tears.

“Why are you here?” referring to the cemetery, Lexa has no idea why the blonde would come here at such time, forgetting her own pain for a moment.

“It’s the first anniversary of my father’s death.” She admits quietly.

“I am so sorry, Clarke.”

“Don’t be.” The blonde only cups Lexa’s cheek, looking at her with her watery eyes, so careful, so intimate. This is one of those moments in which Lexa wishes nothing more than to just _be_ with Clarke.

She would give everything to lean in, to capture those lips with her own, taking away all that pain.

“I was on my way to his grave, but I saw you. I have never seen you here before.” The blonde only holds Lexa.

“That is because I barely come here.” She tells her quietly, glancing over to the grave of her parents. “I wonder who kept it clean all this time.”

Nodding, Clarke wipes away the tears from Lexa’s cheeks so gently, that the brunette can’t help but melt. Her heart is aching and the person she needs the most is actually here.

“How did you come here?” Lexa then asks.

“I took my mother’s car.” The blonde only smiles. “If you want me to go I will.”

“No, I… I think _I_ will go.” Lexa shakes her head, sniffing a few more times while Clarke’s thumbs keep cleaning her wet cheeks.

The gesture is so endearing that Lexa can’t help herself when she leans in again, for a hug. The blonde’s arms are around her instantly and Lexa closes her eyes.

How much she would give to let it all go. But she can’t. There is too much going on.

They stay like this for a while, Lexa feeling Clarke’s fingers run through her hair, holding her as if her life depends on it.

It is the first time in a long time that Lexa feels a certain… content. That she feels _safe_.

“Would you mind… coming to my father’s grave with me?” Clarke asks, pulling back slightly, making Lexa miss her already.

God, the mistake she has made by letting this girl go. But she knows it’s too late.

“I don’t mind at all. But… could you maybe take me home, then? Anya is waiting for me in the car.” Lexa motions her head to the parking lot as she tries to compose herself. She is fucking exhausted and the pain is killing her, but she wants to do this for Clarke. It is the least she can do.

“Of course.” The blonde smiles, already making her way over to the parking lot.

Lexa watches from a distance as the student knocks on the door of Anya’s car, telling her that Lexa will be driving with her.

She watches Anya step out of the car, taking Lexa’s bag to hand it to Clarke.

The blonde walks to her own car, putting it in as the brunette watches Anya leave.

Her phone rings.

“Hey.”

“Clarke tells me she is kidnapping you.” Anya sounds, waving at Lexa from the car.

“Yeah. We are going to stay here maybe for a little while. Thank you for driving me here, Ahn.”

“Anytime, kid.”

Before the brunette can speak more, her cousin already hangs up the phone. Lexa clumsily tries to stand up, trying to hide her pain from the blonde.

But the student almost runs into her direction, smoothly supporting the brunette as they make their way over to Clarke’s father’s grave.

“Jake.” Lexa mumbles as she reads the name. The name is really familiar and Lexa wonders where she knows it from.

“Do you mind sitting on that bench?” Lexa groans, her body aches badly. The bench is exactly across from the grave of Jake Griffin.

Clarke smiles, helping the teacher to sit down.

“I might never gain back feeling in my foot.” Lexa admits when she struggles to sit down.

“I heard.” Clarke smiles sadly, sitting closer to the brunette than necessary.

“You were close to your father.” Lexa remembers their talk in Chicago.

“I was. He taught me many things.”

The brunette doesn’t hesitate when she lifts her arm to wrap it around Clarke’s shoulders. She can see the pain written on her face and she knows what she is feeling.

“Why does it hurt so much, Lexa?” Clarke murmurs, leaning her head on Lexa’s shoulder. “The entire year, I have been visiting his grave, every week, but it never seems to get easier.”

“Because you know that you have to spend the rest of your life without him.” She states, knowing that that is the exact reason why she will never get over the pain of the loss of her own parents. “Because you know that in this life right here, you will never see him again and that he didn’t deserve any of this.”

With that, Clarke starts sobbing just as hard as Lexa had before. They find comfort in each other, leaning against the other heavily, sharing their pain.

Lexa has no idea how long they sit there. She has no idea how long they watch the cemetery, trying to comprehend the thing that is called life.

“You know what is funny?” the blonde then says, glancing up at Lexa with a sad face.

“No?”

“When I met you, I thought you were so… carefree. I could not have been more wrong about you.”

“Carefree?” Lexa chuckles, but it doesn’t really reach her eyes. She is the furthest thing from carefree.

“You seemed happy. Like there wasn’t a thing in the world bothering you.”

“Well, I felt that way for sure. I love my job, it gave me so much energy.” The brunette smiles at the thought, feeling the blonde’s head drop back on her shoulder. “But all those negative feelings, that pain? I put them away in a place where I knew I wouldn’t notice them. I pushed it away and I never should have done that.”

She leans her cheek against it.

“What changed?”

“Chicago. The accident.” The teacher admits quietly. “You changed me.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“It is true, Clarke. You make me want to be a better person. Believe it or not.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

Lexa looks down, placing her right fingers underneath the blonde’s chin to make her look up at the teacher.

“Absolutely not. You changed me in a lot of good ways. You made me see everything differently.” Lexa realises only now how big of in impact the blonde has had on her. She is not lying, she is only discovering herself.

Something she should have done ages ago.

“You’re such a charmer.” Clarke laughs teasingly, but it falls quickly when blue meets green.

Flashes of the past shoot through Lexa’s mind, when they kissed, when Lexa was able to hold her. It seems like it was in a different life, another universe.

She would give anything to just be able to kiss her again.

But instead, she looks away.

“You changed me in a good way, Clarke, you really have. But ever since the accident I haven’t been myself. I have had nightmares, I can’t sleep, I can’t eat and I feel so fucking miserable.” Lexa admits quietly. “I want to make it up to you, I would start over with you if I could, but I just have to fix myself first. I am so sorry about that. I just want to be there for you, but I am not sure if I can.”

Clarke looks up at her, with such big blue eyes that Lexa has to swallow away her tears.

“I know you are in pain, too, and I want nothing more than to take that all away.” Lexa continues shortly, her gaze locked to Clarke’s.

“I know.” The blonde smiles lightly, but the pain is so clear behind her eyes, so raw and bare and Lexa just wishes she actually _could_ take it away. “I think we both have to deal with certain things.”

Lexa’s arm around the blonde’s shoulder tightens, pulling her closer than before. She hates how difficult this is. She hates what position she is in.

“Until we have figured that out, I think it might be best if we just… take a break from whatever this is.” Lexa motions between them. “I am not saying no contact or anything, but just… no obligations. Just friends.”

“Just friends.” Clarke nods, staring at her father’s grave.

“I really wish we could start over.” Lexa sighs deeply. She knows she has made many mistakes. She knows that she would do it differently if she had the chance to do it again.

The blonde doesn’t respond to that. Instead, she just leans against Lexa, her hand casually on the teacher’s thigh.

Lexa notices the pain in her leg. She notices it getting worse than before, but she tries to ignore it.

Her eyes are glued to Jake Griffin’s tombstone and she wonders what he was like.

“He was the best person in the world. He helped people around him, he was honest, he loved so pure. You remind me of him.” Clarke’s voice sounds low and raw due to all the crying, speaking as if she was reading Lexa’s mind.

“Me?” Lexa’s green eyes snap back into the blonde’s direction, beside her.

“Yeah, you. I think you would’ve gotten along with him perfectly fine.”

Thinking deeply, almost feeling uncomfortable with the huge compliment, Lexa glances back at the grave.

“I wish I could’ve met him.” The brunette only smiles. “Do you look like him?”

“People say that I am the female version of him.” Clarke chuckles sadly. She looks so vulnerable, in a way that Lexa hasn’t really seen before.

The blonde grabs the phone out of her pocket, going to her pictures, showing Lexa a picture of her and her father.

As soon as Lexa sees the picture, all the blood drains from her face, her eyes grow wide and Clarke is instantly worried.

“Lexa? Are you okay?”

“I know him.” Lexa gasps. She recognizes him. She would recognize him anywhere. Those typical blue eyes, his sympathetic look, the blonde hair and his kind smile. “He… I… I have met him. At the firm I worked for. He came by sometimes, he was working for the firm that we partnered with…”

“Lexa?” Clarke’s eyes are wide and Lexa can’t manage to speak.

“He worked for another firm but we had projects together. He worked with me on the American National Bank building.”

“You didn’t know his name?”

“He never really told me his last name, Clarke.” Lexa then smiles, watching how Clarke’s eyes turn watery. “He was an amazing person. I remember having several conversations with him, he... I remember him so well.”

“He… I… Really?” Clarke stumbles over her words.

Lexa cannot fucking believe this.

“Yes.” The brunette nods in disbelief. She can tell that it only makes Clarke more emotional.

The blonde’s pouting gets worse, her eyes filling with tears.

Lexa hates to see her in pain like this. She is fast when she pulls Clarke against her again, pressing her lips against the blonde’s cheek that is way too intimate for just friends.

She hovers there, gently leaning her forehead against the blonde’s head as she cries.

And Clarke only leans back. She sobs, shakes, even forgets to breathe as she chokes on her own tears.

And Lexa is there. She tucks a few strands of blonde hair behind her ears, wiping her tears away each time with her thumbs, setting her own feelings aside to be there for the blonde.

Clarke falls apart just as badly as Lexa had at the grave of her parents. She glances at Jakes grave, remembering the amazing man that he was, feeling that same powerless thing that she thinks of when remembering her own parents.

Lexa is pretty sure that the blonde is having a panic attack when Lexa holds her cramped hands. She breathes with Clarke, holding her hands, caressing her to try and calm her down.

And she does calm down slowly.

“I haven’t cried like this in a while.” The blonde admits.

“Does it make you feel better?”

Clarke smiles through her tears, her blue orbs staring into Lexa’s. “Just a little. But that might be because you are here.”

“What can I say, I do work miracles sometimes.” Lexa tries to joke, not expecting the blonde to laugh, but she actually does.

It is a laugh so genuine, so beautiful and Lexa has missed that. She has missed _Clarke_.

“You’re amazing, Lexa. Maybe someday, you and I will owe nothing more to ourselves.”

Lexa glances aside, her gaze catching Clarke’s emotional stare.

“I hope so.” Lexa’s voice trembles. Her eyes flicker between Clarke’s, a silent moment in which the brunette wishes she could do more than just be there.

But she can’t. She pulls back slightly, because she knows she can’t hold back when Clarke is so close. And they shouldn’t. They shouldn’t kiss, not now. Not when they are both so fucking messed up.

Lexa needs time. She hates that she does, but she knows she can’t be with Clarke now.

“Let me take you home.” Clarke only says, realising why Lexa pulled back. She doesn’t look all too happy, but smiles nonetheless when the teacher glances her way.

“We can stay if you want to, Clarke. Take all the time you need.” Lexa’s voice is softer than before, but the student shakes her head.

“I have had enough time.” She rises from the bench, taking Lexa’s crutches. She assists the brunette in walking towards the car, placing her in the passenger seat.

Lexa wants to ask about her mother, how things are, but the sad look on the blonde’s face is enough for Lexa to just shut up. She doesn’t want to make her feel worse than she already does.

“Where do you live?” Clarke asks as she starts the engine, driving them away from the cemetery. Lexa holds on tightly, her lips pursed.

“Uh, do you know those apartment buildings a few blocks away from your house? Near the mall?”

“Yeah.”

“Go there.” Lexa breathes, holding on for dear life. Her breathing intensifies, but she hides it from the blonde. Or at least, she tries.

But the sky is turning darker and Lexa can’t help but watch every move that Clarke makes in the car, terrified that something will happen.

She checks the mirror behind them as they stop in front of a traffic light. It is then, that Clarke notices how uncomfortable Lexa truly is.

“You’re afraid.”

Lexa bites her lips, still watching behind them. When the light turns green, she checks to see if all directions are clear. She doesn’t reply to Clarke’s statement.

Instead, she just tries to keep breathing normally, until she sees her apartment building coming up.

“It’s the one on the left.” She whispers, letting out a huge, relieved breath when Clarke drives into her parking garage.

“I hope you will feel better soon, Lexa.” The blonde manages to say, sitting behind the wheel after she parked the car.

“You may think that my ways are harsh, but it is how I survive.” Lexa murmurs, trying to take her crutches, but Clarke’s fingers around her wrist stop her.

“Maybe life should be about more than just surviving, Lexa. You deserve that.”

“Maybe you do, too.” Lexa finds almost pleading blue eyes. She notices how Clarke’s hand is still around her wrist, her skin on fire under the touch.

She can’t say the words. She can’t do it. So she just prays that Clarke can see it in her own gaze as she stares into blue orbs.

 _I love you_.

\\\

Two days later, Lincoln takes Lexa back to the hospital. Her leg fucking hurts and it won’t stop, no matter how much painkillers she takes.

She hates to go back, but she can’t take the pain. She can’t take the uneasiness, she can’t be alone one more second. It drives her insane.

But Lincoln is there to take her, driving through the city carefully.

The doctors take her upstairs instantly, to take pictures of her leg.

She knows it doesn’t look good.

She knows the moment the doctor steps into her room. That look on his face tells her enough.

“We are going to have to operate.”

\\\

For the second time in five weeks, she wakes up in the hospital. She feels strange.

She rises her head, looking down her legs that are covered by the blankets.

She notices that her left foot is gone.

\\\

She won’t stop having nightmares. She won’t stop feeling pain in her leg, even though it is gone. She feels like she might have another breakdown, when Echo steps into her room.

“Hey.” The older woman only smiles lightly, pain in her eyes as she watches her best friend suffer in the hospital bed.

“Echo.” Lexa tries to smile, but fails miserably.

“You are a badass, you know that?” Echo tries to lighten the mood as she sits down, handing Lexa a bar of her favourite chocolate.

“Why is that?”

“All this time that you were here, after the accident, after they took your leg… I have never heard you complain. Not once.” Echo rests her hand atop Lexa’s. “Despite that, Lexa, I can tell that you are going through some shit. I know that you won’t talk about it, but I can see it in your eyes. If you ever need to talk, I am here, okay?”

Lexa only nods, biting her bottom lip. She feels fucking miserable, but she won’t tell Echo that, ever.

“I am here for you, too.” Lexa only says, trying to ignore the pain in her leg. She has seen her wound. She has seen how her foot is just… gone. They cut it off just about in the middle of her lower leg.

She thought she was prepared for it, but now that it is really gone, she knows that nothing could have prepared her for this.

“I know you are. That is why I wanted to tell you that… I uh… started dating someone.” Echo smiles awkwardly. “It is only fresh, but I just… I like her.”

“Niylah?” Lexa finally manages to smile again. There is nothing she wants more than for her friend to be happy.

Echo scoffs. “Did Lincoln tell you or something?”

“No?”

“Well, yeah, it is Niylah. But how did you know?”

That has Lexa chuckle lightly.

“You were basically all over her at New Years Eve, Echo. And I saw you two in the hallway the other day.” Lexa may be struggling with things, but that didn’t mean that she didn’t see or hear things.

“You’re good.”

“ _You_ found out about Clarke and me the moment I hadn’t even figured it out.” Lexa laughs, bouncing it right back at her friend.

“Good point.” Echo smiles, her hand in Lexa’s.

“I am happy for you.” Lexa nods genuinely, sinking back into the bed. She is quite tired, actually. Not that she would ever tell Echo that, though.

“Thank you. How are things with Clarke?”

Lexa sighs a little. She has told Echo about the cemetery. “I haven’t seen Clarke since the cemetery.”

“Did she not want to visit?”

“She doesn’t know I’m here.” Lexa shakes her head. “I… needed the space.”

Echo nods carefully, not elaborating on it more. The brunette is grateful for it. They stay in a comfortable silence for a moment, Lexa closing her eyes.

She dozes off before she knows it.

\\\

“You are strong enough to go to therapy, but don’t push it, Miss Woods.” The same doctor that has been treating Lexa before, is standing by her bed.

Almost a week has passed and Lexa insisted on going to physical therapy, much to the doctor and nurses dismay. But she kept insisting, glad that she has something to do.

They wheel her to the room in the hospital reserved for the physical therapy, Lexa sitting in her wheelchair, glad that she can get out of her room again.

She can still feel a certain ache in her entire body, but she just can’t be in her room anymore. She can’t do nothing.

It has been way too long. She needs to do something else than just downloading new apps on her iPad to enjoy herself.

She meets a young man, of her own age, standing near the room for practice. He has a dark skin, a kind smile and has a few tattoo’s on his arm.

“I’m Miles Shaw, but just call me Shaw.” He smiles, extending his hand as Lexa greets him.

“Lexa Woods. You can call me Lexa.”

“Alright, Raven is already inside, come join us.” He takes the wheelchair over from the nurse, driving Lexa into the room.

The first thing that Lexa notices is a good-looking, Latina woman with a frustrated look on her face. She is sitting on a bench, massaging her muscles and Lexa can tell that she is in pain.

The girls’ deep brown eyes snap up as she hears the door open, looking at Lexa just as angrily as she has been looking at her leg before.

The brunette notices how her leg has been cut off just under her knee.

“Raven, this is Lexa.” Shaw smiles, easily lifting Lexa out of the wheelchair, catching her in surprise as he walks her over to the same bench that this Raven is sitting on. “Be kind.”

“Whatever. Hi.” Raven says, barely looking at Lexa as the therapist sets her down beside the Latina woman.

“Listen up! Lexa, today I will be examining your leg. The wound is too fresh to do anything yet, but we can see if we can loosen up your muscles, strengthening your healthy leg.” He simply walks around the room.

Lexa sees how a bridge is in the middle – the kind of bridge used for gymnastics. She figures that she will have to try to walk in there, steadying herself on the two wooden bars.

There is more equipment in the room, most of which Lexa can’t identify.

“Why can’t I have therapy alone?” Raven mutters, still massaging her leg.

“Because I am quite busy, Reyes.” Shaw only smiles amusedly, but he shuts up when Raven throws him an angry glare.

Lexa can’t help but be amused by the girl. She has this feeling that once Raven will accept her, they would get along quite well.

But Raven seems filled with anger and Lexa can understand. She understands all too well what it feels like to be here.

“Alright, Raven. You know what to do. Lexa, let’s start.” Shaw kneels in front of her, while Raven stands up, hopping to the bridge in the middle to strengthen her healthy leg.

“Let me see.” Shaw rolls up Lexa’s pants, gently massaging her calf as he feels everything. He seems to be focused as he moves further down, but never coming too close to her wound.

“Your muscles are sore.” He states. “Your bones are still fragile.”

He continues easily, feeling all her muscles. She grits her teeth when she feels how much it hurts when he touches her calf.

“You’ve had a pretty bad accident, huh?” Shaw then says, his kind brown eyes looking up into Lexa’s green ones.

Lexa only nods, watching how Raven glances at her shortly.

It still amuses her. Raven seems a little younger than her, maybe around Clarke’s age. But she seems more stubborn than any person that Lexa has ever seen.

“I uh… I heard that they had to perform CPR on me. Car accident.” Lexa only says, earning another look from the Latina girl in the middle of the room.

“That is heavy.” Shaw nods. “Well, you seem like a tough woman, just like our Raven here. You will get through this.”

And so, Raven and Lexa both end up in the bridge – Raven strengthening her healthy leg, while Shaw watches Lexa closely as he orders her to walk on her right leg.

Raven remains quiet, balancing between the two bars as Lexa tries to do what Shaw is telling her.

The hour is over before she knows it. She is sweating. Her chest is hurting and she knows she should rest.

But Shaw seems satisfied with the results of the day.

“I don’t know how much you know about this, Lexa, but we will work on the muscles of your amputated leg. Once your wound heals we can see if we can find you prostheses.”

“Alright.” She swallows at the word ‘prostheses’, though she knows it is her only chance of ever walking again.

Shaw rides her back to her room personally. She is glad that she has a man like him as her therapist – he seems hardworking and understanding, exactly what she needs.

“Okay, take much rest, okay? We have all the time in the world to work on your recovery.” He smiles, lifting her into the bed.

“Thank you.” Lexa only smiles.

She watches him leave.

\\\

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (secretly i actually also wanted more fluff between these two. I love them so writing a few more chapters is not a punishment)


	13. recovery pt. I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the road to true recovery starts
> 
> few small times jumps as well

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i did some research for PTSD and amputees etc, so i hope that it will feel real.
> 
> after this chapter the angst will get less, so nothing to worry about, guys!
> 
> also not sure if i am able to update this week again, hence the extra chapter within 24 hours!!

\\\

She finally gets to go home again. Lincoln drives her. Lexa hates how she still fears driving, how she is tense and sweating more than she should, watching everything what is happening around them.

Lincoln sits behind the wheel silently. He has been more silent than she knows him.

“What is wrong?” Lexa asks, partly to distract herself, partly because she is actually concerned, but he just shrugs.

“I have been worried about you.” He states, his voice low as he drives just as careful as Anya a few weeks ago.

“I am going to be fine, Linc.” Lexa smiles, but it never reaches her eyes. She is staring out of the window, watching the city pass by.

“Yeah, but I just…” he sighs. “I feel like you’ve changed.”

“Changed how?” she glances on her left, watching as Lincoln steers with his right hand, his left pinching the bridge of his nose.

“I don’t know. You are jumpy, you seem a little… distracted. Distant.”

“I have a lot to think about, I guess.” She sighs, shaking her head to herself.

She has had so fucking much on her mind, her fears, her nightmares, just everything that has happened. She knows that she is the only one able to fight this, so telling them the details won’t help either.

“I know, Lexa. It’ll be okay, but just… I hope you know that you can always talk to me if you need to.”

“I know.” Her voice genuine, she tries to sit up straighter. Her chest is still uncomfortable.

“Good.” He has the tiniest smile on his lips and Lexa realises how much she actually needs him. It has been so long since they actually did something together, just the two of them.

“I love you, you know that right?”

“I know, Lexa. I love you, too.”

She glances outside, watching the city pass by in the early spring. She always loves the spring. It usually makes her happier, but in this moment she can barely feel anything beside her anxiety.

Lincoln is careful when he drives her home, stopping to take her things out of the trunk, guiding her upstairs.

She looks around her apartment happily, so glad that she is finally able to be home again.

“Do you want me to stay with you?” Lincoln asks carefully, but Lexa shakes her head.

He is getting ready to leave, when Lexa stops him. “I know that things have been about me lately, but if you need somebody to talk to… you can always call.”

“I know, Lexa.” He smiles, pulling her into a gentle hug. She holds onto him tighter than she thought she would. She closes her eyes and for a moment she forgets the situation she’s in.

For a moment, she feels safe in his big arms, her own arms wrapped around his waist tightly.

But then she pulls back, smiling up at him sadly.

“Take care, Lexa.” He smiles back, softly tapping her cheek once before leaving her alone in her apartment.

\\\

The days go by incredibly slow. Every day a nurse comes to check up on her, helping her with taking a shower and making sure that she is resting well.

But she has so much to think about. Her mind won’t stop racing, she is not able to distract herself from all of the stress.

At night, she wakes up soaking wet, shaking with fear as she remembers the nightmare she just had – the agony of her parent’s death, the anxiety of her own accident, the pain in her leg, her memories that have turned into vivid dreams she can’t get rid of.

And it tires her. She is afraid to go to sleep. Nightmares chase her, never leaving her alone and she hasn’t been able to eat.

She hasn’t been able to focus on recovering physically. She tries to keep everybody at a distance, so that they won’t worry too much about her, but she knows they do so anyways.

She tries to be there for them when they need _her_ , but when it comes to herself, she couldn’t push them away harder.

She knows she should seek help.

She can’t keep going like this.

She has had headaches ever since the accident, painful headaches that make her grumpy. Probably caused by the lack of sleep.

The stress makes her frustrated, jumpy and always tense, which only tires her more.

And the fact that she can’t stop thinking about everything just makes everything worse.

All those things she has been thinking about are floating in her head. The situation with Clarke, that she misses her friends, the fact that she is clearly not okay.

But she won’t tell anybody. She refuses to. They have been worried about her before and she sure as hell won’t let them now. And not to ignore the fact that they won’t understand.

They won’t understand what kind of hell she is going through, no matter how much she fights it.

So she pushes them away. When they offer to come by or help out with something, Lexa gives them excuses like that the nurse is just there, or that she is going to take a nap or going to physical therapy.

Lexa is home now for about a week, when she receives a text from a certain blonde.

Clarke wants to know how she is.

Sighing, she doesn’t answer. Today, she actually has physical therapy and she has called a cab to take her to the hospital.

She hates how she has to hop around. She just can’t get used to it. She hates that she feels like a fucking soldier returning from Iraq, physically as well as mentally.

She struggles to walk to the elevator, going down as she already sees the cab waiting for her. She hates that it takes five minutes for her to place herself in the vehicle, how it tires her.

The ride to the hospital isn’t all too long – only about ten minutes. She struggles once again to get out of the cab, stumbling into the hospital to Shaw’s room.

She is early – Raven hasn’t even arrived yet.

“Lexa!” Shaw smiles and Lexa is grateful that he is such a kind man. “How have you been?”

Lexa already makes her way over to the bench across the room while she speaks. “Not particularly well.” She grumbles as she sits down.

For some strange reason, she doesn’t mind telling him. He is distant enough and she just needs to get it off her chest.

“What is going on?” he walks towards her, wearing a t-shirt and simple jeans, squatting down in front of her. He already rolls up the pipe of her joggings, massaging her sore muscles as she leans her back against the wall heavily.

“I feel like I am not getting anywhere.”

He nods understandingly. “I see that a lot around here. Just remember one thing – don’t give up, alright? Recovery takes time, it takes patience and I know how it can break people up. If you ever want to talk about it, my office is always open.” He motions his head to the office in the corner of the room.

“Thanks.” She smiles, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. She is too exhausted.

There is a short knock on the door, followed by Raven walking into the room with crutches.

She smiles shortly at Shaw and Lexa, joining the brunette on the bench.

Lexa doesn’t even mind that she doesn’t speak. They listen to Shaw as he is checking up on their legs – discussing how he wishes to proceed the day.

The two women end up in the bridge, both struggling to balance themselves, struggling to gain strength.

Lexa can tell that Raven isn’t in the best mood, either. She has been cursing under her breath the moment she got here and Lexa can’t say she feels much different from that.

Her leg hurts, her healthy leg is tired and she is just mentally exhausted.

The brunette is pretty sure that Shaw notices, but he is wise when he chooses not to speak about it.

When the hour is finally done, Lexa sits back on the bench to rest for a moment. Raven sits next to her, both women leaning their backs against the wall as Shaw is in his office, probably writing a small report on their session.

“Want to grab a drink?” the Latina girl surprises Lexa.

“Now?”

“Yeah?” Raven glances at Lexa shortly, her brown eyes questioningly and the brunette is surprised to find that she can’t read Raven at all.

The girl must have built her walls throughout her whole life, being like that.

“Sure.”

Both women take their time to recover from the session, putting on their jackets to get ready to leave.

“There’s a bar across the hospital.” Raven mumbles as they make their way on their crutches through the halls, to the elevators to go down.

“I could use a drink.” The teacher then mutters, glancing aside to see the tiniest smile on the other girl’s lips.

It must be the first time that Lexa sees it so genuine, even though it is barely there. She wonders what Raven’s story is.

As they walk outside, the other girl seems to loosen up a little.

“So you had a car accident, huh?”

Waiting for the traffic light to turn green, Lexa feels the gentle wind on her face. “Yeah, I got t-boned on an intersection couple of weeks back. It was pretty bad.”

“I think read about it in the newspaper. I saw a picture of an Audi, that your car?” Raven says, struggling just like Lexa to get across the street, into the bar as they settle in a booth.

“Yup.” Sitting across from the Latina girl, the two women other some beers.

“I can’t believe you survived that.” Raven grins lightly, leaning in the booth heavily.

“I barely made it out alive. What about you?”

“Oh, accident at work.”

“What kind of work do you do?” the teacher asks curiously, eying Raven as she shuffles in her seat uncomfortably.

“I am a mechanic. I was experimenting with some stuff and it went boom.” She gestures her hands in an explosion and Lexa simply nods.

“It is fucked up.”

“It is.”

They remain in a comfortable silence as their beers are being served.

“I have a feeling that I have met you before.” Raven’s eyes narrow, watching Lexa closely.

“I have no idea. I am an architect. I have been teaching at Polis University since September.”

“I have a friend studying architecture there.” The Latina girl grins surprised. “Octavia Blake, do you know her?”

“Oh, yes I do. She’s takes my classes.” Lexa grins right back, taking a sip of her beer.

“You seem too young to be a professor there.” Raven simply says, almost shrugging in the process. Lexa can’t say that she isn’t amused by the girl’s attitude. It’s refreshing.

“I guess I was focused on my career, but going into teaching early.” She just says.

Another silence falls between them, as Raven leans her forearms on the table, looking down as she plays with her coaster.

“How do you deal with it?” she then asks, glancing up at Lexa before looking down again.

“With the accident?”

“Yeah. The fact that you might not be able to walk properly anymore, the accident, the fact that it is taking way too long to recover.”

“I _don’t_ really deal with it, to be honest.” Lexa purses her lips, her fingers on the cold glass of the beer as she stares it down.

“I, uh… I usually don’t open up much to strangers, sorry.” Raven shakes her head to herself, as if she is changing her mind about being here with Lexa.

“Neither do I. But maybe it is good to have somebody we can share… this process with.” She tries to find the right words. “I don’t know anybody who even remotely understands what this feels like.”

“Same.” Raven grins, but it falters quickly, a sad look on her face. “I just… my leg is gone. People don’t know how to react, they are just sweet and I just… all I want to do is just shut them up, you know?”

The teacher lets out a small chuckle. She understands. “You don’t want their pity. You don’t want them to worry about you.”

“Exactly.” She mutters, ripping up her coaster angrily. “But they don’t understand. And they don’t try to understand.”

“Yeah. And I just… I feel like I have become this bitter version of myself that I can’t recognize.”

“Exactly that.” Raven smiles, a little more than before and Lexa returns it gladly.

They finish their beers quietly, both women deep in thought. Lexa knows that it might be for the best that they haven’t cleared her yet for work. She is simply not ready. She is too fucked up, to wrapped in her own head at the moment.

They exchange numbers, something Lexa never expected she’d do with Raven. But she is grateful that she has somebody that somewhat understands the situation she’s in.

Then they go home, separating as they both take different cabs.

The brunette is exhausted when she enters her home, closing the door behind her when the tears fall.

She has no idea why she is crying, but she just is. She can’t stop the tears. Just like at the cemetery, they fall hard and fast, she feels lonely again.

She feels so fucking lonely and she doesn’t know what to do anymore.

And of course, in that moment her phone rings. She wants to ignore it, but she notices that it’s Clarke.

She tries to put on the façade, but she knows the blonde will probably hear that she has been crying.

“Hey.” She just says, sniffing as she leans her back against her closed front door.

“Are you crying?”

Lexa rolls her eyes. Of course Clarke is worried. She simply doesn’t reply. She doesn’t want to lie.

“Do you want me to come over?”

The question surprises Lexa. To be honest, she had expected that Clarke would just jump in the car instantly, forcing her to give up her apartment number.

But if she is being completely honest, she doesn’t want Clarke to come. She doesn’t want to show the blonde how fucked up she is, how she somehow lost herself along the way.

“Maybe another time.” She mumbles quietly. She hears a comfortable silence.

“Okay.” Clarke’s voice is so gentle, Lexa closes her eyes and focuses on it for a moment.

She leans her head back against the door, feeling just about ready to fall to the floor, but she knows she probably wouldn’t get up herself. So she tries to stay strong.

“I am _sorry_ , Clarke.”

“What for?” her voice still ever so soft, Lexa _wishes_ that she would want the blonde with her right now, but she can’t.

“For everything that had to happen. With us. With your mother, your dad… That I can’t be there for you now… I just… I am so sorry.”

“Why does this sound like a goodbye?” the blonde’s tone is worried and Lexa hates how even through the phone, Clarke knows her well enough to hear in her voice that perhaps, she _is_ saying goodbye.

She simply doesn’t reply.

She thinks she can hear Clarke now sniffle as well, but she isn’t sure.

“You _are_ saying goodbye.”

“ _For now_ , Clarke. I just… I am fucked up. I can’t… I am not myself.”

“I understand.” She sounds genuine, somehow that hurts Lexa more than ever. “Just know that I will be here in case you want to talk.”

“I know you are, but I have to do this on my own. I am sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize for this, Lexa. Ever.”

“Okay. I have to go now.” Lexa swallows away the lump in her throat, her eyes still closed as she imagines Clarke, as she imagines those kind blue eyes, that smile that lights up Lexa’s heart. “Thank you for everything, Clarke. I mean that. I just hope that things will work out for you. I hate that I can’t be there for _you_.”

She hears a sigh and her heart is breaking. But she has to do this. She has to start over and she can’t do that with Clarke around her.

“I hope that you will figure it out, Lexa. I won’t ever stop caring about you.”

The brunette bites her lips, feeling how the tears fall down her cheeks.

“I hope that you will be okay soon, Clarke.”

“Take care, Lexa.”

“You, too, Clarke. You, too.”

\\\

_“Mom! Can we at least go out for dinner after?” Lexa sits in the backseat of her parent’s car, her father driving as he hums to the music on the radio softly._

_“Of course, honey.” Lexa’s mother turns her head back, looking into her daughters piercing green eyes, that she owns herself. “You can choose whatever restaurant you want to go to.”_

_Lexa only grins. She already knows which restaurant she will pick. Her dad starts singing to a song loudly, his voice happy as he tries to encourage to let Lexa and her mother join._

_They do. They sing along to a silly song that they have heard before, not familiar with the lyrics, but they try anyways._

_“Dad, why are you driving so slow?” Lexa mumbles through the songs, impatient. She just wants to get her gifts. Her parents have made it a tradition to wait until they arrive at the pool to hand her the gifts._

_“I am being careful, Lexie.” He laughs, a traffic light coming up in a few hundred yards. But he speeds up just enough to satisfy Lexa._

_The light remains green and he drives, already starting to sing to the next song, when Lexa can feel an incredible force sling her through the car, despite her seatbelt. She hears an agonizing scream as she tries to steady herself in the spinning car, but she is too shocked to realise what is happening._

_It seems like a lifetime before the car finally stops moving, and Lexa is panting in the backseat. She blinks a few times, feeling some kind of liquid stream down her face._

_With one hand, she gently touches her eyebrow. It hurts. She must have cut her head open in the process._

_But then she looks around her. Reality dawns upon her and it is then that she realises that her mother is screaming._

_Her eyes widen as she looks at her father._

_His eyes are just as wide as Lexa’s, his face directed towards her mother as he doesn’t seem able to move._

_He tries to speak, but all the sound that comes from his mouth is just gargling. Lexa’s eyes lower quickly, and she sees how a piece of glass has impaled his throat. He is bleeding out of his mouth and he looks so fucking helpless that Lexa can’t breathe._

_And her mother can’t stop screaming. Lexa tears her eyes away from her father, trying to figure out what her mother is doing._

_Her mother is screaming so loudly that Lexa covers her ears with her hands, watching her mother try to struggle to get out of the car, but she seems to be bleeding badly._

_Lexa tries to lean forward to see how her mother is doing, but she pulls back quickly when she realises her mother’s stomach is bleeding._

_She has her two hands on her stomach, but blood is seeping through her fingers as she tries to get out of the car._

_When Lexa glances back at her father, his stare is lifeless._

_“Dad?!” she calls out, suddenly the fear and shock running through her veins, unable to move. The emptiness in her father’s still open eyes tell her that he is gone. It is too late._

_She sinks back into the seat, gasping for air as her mother stops screaming._

_“Mom! Mom!!” Lexa yells, trying to move but her body doesn’t work. Her body is blocked for some strange reason. But she can see from the backseat that her mother’s head falls to the side._

_She knows in that moment, that her life is over._

She shoots up in her bed, her eyes wide and a scream about to escape her parted lips. But she realises where she is.

She looks around her dark room, drenched in sweat, her leg aching and her heart racing.

She tries to control her breathing, sinking back into the mattress, but she knows she won’t sleep anymore.

She knows she won’t be able to stop thinking about it. Her muscles cramp, her eyes remain wide as she stares at her ceiling.

Something has to change. She won’t be able to continue this way any longer. She is not strong enough to fight this alone, not anymore.

She stays in bed for hours, trying to process her life. Trying to accept her pain, but she knows she will never be able to just do it alone, in one day.

It will take time.

As soon as it is late enough for offices to open, Lexa calls a therapist.

\\\

She is walking on campus, with her crutches. It feels really strange to be back here after such a long time of struggling with herself.

Some students recognize her, smiling and asking how she is doing. She just tells them that she is fine, but she knows better.

She makes her way into the school, to Gustus’ office. She had called him, wanting to speak to him.

She knocks on his door, her heart aching when she realises how much she misses her job.

“Lexa!” Gustus opens the door, letting her in. He slides a chair closer to where she is. “It is so good to see you out of the hospital.”

His smile is genuine, and Lexa smiles back politely.

“It is good to be recovering.” She sits down, sliding her crutches underneath her seat. Gustus sits behind his desk, folding his hands as he looks at her.

“So tell me, why did you want to speak to me?” he smiles.

“I… it is almost May, Sir. I am physically recovering, and that is going as well as it can go.” Lexa scrapes her throat lightly. “But I am not cleared for work, not yet. I just wanted to tell you that I don’t think I will be able to return this school year.”

Gustus plucks his beard, looking at Lexa with kind brown eyes and she feels a little more at ease.

“I see. What about September? Do you have any idea when you will be able to get back to work?” he asks, but then shakes his head. “You know what, that doesn’t matter. Lexa, you are one of the most talented professors I have ever had the pleasure of hiring. I don’t care how long it takes for you to come back, I will always have a spot for you here, okay? So take all the time you need, I don’t care if it’s one year or two.”

Lexa’s eyes widen lightly in shock, but she manages to keep her poker face. “Really?”

“I am quite fond of you, Lexa. So are your colleagues. Your wellbeing is far more important than your job, so yes. Take all the time you need.”

“I… I don’t know what to say.” The brunette smiles, feeling a sudden relief washing over her. She knows she won’t wait another year, she just prays that she will feel better in September.

She knows she will fight.

She knows she will overcome this. With a little help, and some time.

She will make it.

“You don’t have to say anything, Lexa. I am glad you came to see me. Feel better soon.” He rises from his chair, walking around his desk to lean against it just in front of Lexa.

“Will do, Sir.” She grabs her crutches, rising from her seat.

“If there is anything else I can do for you, let me know.”

“I will.”

Gustus opens the door, letting Lexa out. They shake hands, both exchanging smiles.

But he retracts in his office, closing the door when Lexa turns. She stops in her tracks.

The hallways are mostly empty.

Except for _her_.

It feels as if time stops. Lexa’s eyes glued to Clarke walking into her own direction in the hallway, book in hand, a bag slung over her shoulder.

Her blonde hair is tucked in a messy bun, a sad smile on her face. But it falls away when she spots Lexa.

The brunette still isn’t able to move, standing in front of Gustus’ closed office.

Her gaze never leaving Clarke.

She watches the blonde stop, about ten yards away from her.

She knows in that moment, _why_ she wants to fight so badly.

She throws the blonde a small smile. She gets the most beautiful one in return, making her heart flutter.

But she turns lightly, not really ready to talk to the blonde again.

The only thing she does, is nod, smiling in a way that she hopes the blonde will receive as hopeful and reassuring.

She gets the same gaze in return.

\\\

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hypothetically speaking... if i were to write a new fic, what kind of storyline would you guys like to see?? 
> 
> PS: i promised to write a few extra chapters, but the main question for those is : smut or no smut?? 😏😏


	14. recovery pt. II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> some time passes and Lexa works on her recovery (mentally and physically), and she fixes things with certain people.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am back already, yes yes.
> 
> still not sure when i will be able to update after this, since i need to write the extra chapters that i promised!!! i will try and make it as fluffy and angstless as possible, but of course, they are both damaged so maybe light angst on that area.

\\\

“So you are seeing a therapist?” Raven asks as they sit in the bar. The Latina sips on her club soda, watching Lexa with big, curious eyes.

The brunette nods. “Yeah. I couldn’t go on the way I was going.”

“How is therapy?”

“It’s weird. I have to talk. A lot. I have to describe everything it is I am feeling and I don’t like it at all.” Lexa shakes her head, taking a sip of her beer.

They just had their weekly therapy session and Shaw gave her the news that they could start with a prosthetic.

They already took her size, measured everything and Lexa isn’t sure how to feel about it all.

“Does the therapist talk back?” Raven grins amusedly, making Lexa snort for a moment.

“Yeah, she does. She helps me identify my thoughts.”

“How is that helping?” the Latina seems sceptic about the whole therapy thing. Lexa can understand that, but she just didn’t have a choice anymore.

“Well, uh… she kind of diagnosed me with PTSD.” The brunette quietly admits. “And from there, we can work on it.”

“Are you getting medications?”

“Only to help me sleep better. I didn’t want anything else.” Lexa smiles lightly. It has been working for her. It has been letting her sleep better, less nightmares and finally, some rest.

Some actual rest. And it is doing her quite well, even though her thoughts can still be quite depressing during the day.

But it is something. A first step.

“Yeah? Do you recommend it? Therapy I mean?” Raven eyes her, still curiously. Lexa knows that Raven is struggling just like her.

Perhaps in a different way, because she has had a different life, but the brunette knows a little about suffering emotionally.

“Actually, I do. But Raven, you have to find your own way in this. If you can’t do it alone, then yeah, I would definitely seek help.”

Raven doesn’t speak. She looks down at her glass, toying with the coaster.

“I think I might need help.” She then mutters, not looking back up at Lexa.

“There is nothing wrong with that.” Lexa just says, taking another sip of her beer. She knows she shouldn’t drink more than one, so she doesn’t. “But if you ever need to talk about something, I am here for you.”

That has Raven look back up, brown eyes searching green. The Latina smiles genuinely. “Thank you.”

“Any time.”

\\\

“Lexa!” Nyko crushes the brunette into the biggest hug she has ever had. She just opened her front door but she didn’t have time to let her favourite colleagues in.

She can only chuckle, returning the hug by sliding her arms around his waist. He holds her for a few more seconds, before pulling back to place a kiss on her cheek.

“Come in.” Lexa mumbles with a small smile, watching Niylah and Ryder appear behind Nyko.

Nyko slides into her spacious apartment, while Lexa pulls Niylah in a small hug.

“Lexa.”

“Niylah.” Lexa kisses her on the cheek shortly, a genuine smile tugging on her lips.

At last, she gives Ryder a hug, closing her front door behind him.

“Take a seat!” Lexa yells at them, going to the kitchen, tapping on her crutches. “I would offer you something to drink but I am not quite handy with these things yet.”

“That is okay.” Nyko already rises from the couch. “Let me help you.”

The two make their way through Lexa’s kitchen.

She feels strange, having them here. But she just wanted to see them. She wanted to apologize and tell them that she was going to be there for them again.

The schoolyear is almost over and she has missed them.

Nyko takes the drinks, putting them on the coffee table. He almost pushes Lexa onto her own couch, making her chuckle as she falls beside Ryder.

“How have you been?” Niylah asks, a worried look on her face.

“Right to the point.” Lexa laughs, taking a sip of her drink. “I uh… I have had a rough time, as you probably all know.”

Ryder only nods, a sympathetic look on his face. They all remain quiet, waiting for Lexa to speak again.

“I wanted to apologize to you.” The brunette fumbles with her hands. “I have been pulling back from you, even though I consider you more than just colleagues.”

“But we don’t blame you for that, Lexa. I mean, I don’t. You needed time and maybe you still do, but you don’t have to apologize for that.” Nyko speaks up, his piercing eyes boring through Lexa’s.

She swallows when she sees how kind he is looking at her. She has missed them.

She has pushed them away when maybe all she needed to do was just let them in.

“Yeah, I’m with Nyko on this one.” Ryder smiles. “I don’t think I could go through what you are going through, Lexa. I hope you know that I admire you for being so fucking strong.”

Lexa lets out a short laugh, not quite believing him, but she nods appreciatively.

The only one who hasn’t spoken yet, is Niylah.

Ryder pokes the woman in her side, her green eyes snapping up to look at him.

“Lexa, I… you were there for me when my mother died. She meant the world to me and you were there when I needed you and I just… I just want you to know that I am here for you, too. Like Nyko said, you do not have to apologize for pulling away, because to some extent, I can understand why you did it.” She starts, clearly emotional. “I definitely missed you, but I don’t blame you at all.”

Lexa is overwhelmed. For some reason, she had expected them to be hurt. She had expected them to not understand what she was going through, but here they are, supporting every decision she has made.

“Thank you.” Lexa reaches over Ryder, holding Niylah’s hand for a moment. “You, too.”

She looks at Ryder and Nyko, a painful smile on her face when she realises the long road she still has to walk.

But she made a start.

She has let them know, she has apologized and that is another thing that she can let go, for now.

“I have missed you.” She smiles. “But I have more news.”

“Oh?” Nyko eyes her curiously.

“I will probably return to work in September. I am not cleared yet for work, but my therapists say that September might work.”

Niylah only grins, Ryder high-fives Lexa and Nyko sends a wink in her way.

“Right. Now that is out of the way, how about we order some pizza and have a game night?”

\\\

“Alright, so I am going to put it on. If it hurts too much just say it, okay?” Shaw looks up at Lexa while she sits on the bench in their practice room, watching Raven stand in the bridge, already wearing her artificial limb.

Summer is rolling in and Lexa feels ready to try the prosthesis in her own size, even though it feels so fucking foreign.

She watches Shaw’s hands work around her nub, carefully sliding a sock over it. “I will put this rubber socket on it now. If it hurts, or if it is too loose or tight, tell me, okay?”

He puts on a socket and Lexa can feel that it fits her perfectly. He adjusts it lightly, making sure that the rubber cover slides all the way over her knee, to halfway her thigh.

He attaches the rest of the leg.

She watches Shaw work as he carefully puts it on. “Not too tight?”

Shaking her head, Lexa can feel that it fits her perfectly.

“Alright. This is just the beginning. It will probably take a long time to adjust, Lexa.” Shaw starts, standing up as he sits down on the bench next to Lexa. “You will learn to put it on yourself, but for now we will practice in here. It will take a while before we will give you your permanent leg. Your residual limb will shrink in the next few months, so that is why we wait.”

“Okay.” The brunette nods, moving her knee. It feels strange to have a leg attached that she can’t feel.

“It is probably going to take a while before you trust your prosthetic.” Shaw smiles. “But I have hope that both you and Raven will learn fast.”

“Fuck this.” Raven says the same moment. Lexa snorts for a moment, laughing behind her hand when she sees her Latina friend struggle, leaning on the bridge heavily. “It won’t fucking do what I want it to.”

“Patience, Raven.” Shaw is fast when he rises, walking over to Raven to help her. Lexa watches him squat down, helping Raven to walk. “Alright, maybe that is enough for you today. Lexa, let’s try this with you.”

He walks back to Lexa, offering his hands. She leans on him heavily as she straightens her legs. She is afraid to put weight on the prosthesis, making her basically hop to the bridge on her healthy leg.

“It won’t break, Lexa.” Shaw only smiles, understanding how she feels. He has been working here for quite some time now.

“But I feel like I will fall.” Lexa admits, looking down at her legs. It looks strange. It _feels_ strange.

It is something that will probably take her a long time to get used to, but at least she is happy that these things even exist.

While Shaw guides her to the bridge, letting her stand there on her own, he is fast to help Raven back to the bench.

Lexa can’t help but keep looking down, to see if the leg is still there. To see if it will move if she bends her knee.

She has both hands wrapped on either beam of the bridge, leaning heavily. She raises her left leg, bending her knee. She feels the weight of the artificial limb as she puts it down again.

It feels so fucking weird and unnatural, but she smiles when she notices that it works, even though she knows it will take her a long, long time to be able to walk without support of the bridge, also simply because her nub will have to get used to that strange pressure.

“How come she can do it?” Lexa can hear Raven grumble, making her chuckle lightly.

“Because Lexa has patience, Raven.” Shaw manages to crack out a chuckle as well.

Lexa turns lightly to see Raven rolling her eyes at their physical therapist, but the Latina sends a smile in Lexa’s direction anyways.

Lexa grins, focusing back on her leg. She finds it difficult to put all of her weight on her left leg, trying to take a step without looking. She focuses on the feel of it, how smooth the prosthetic actually is.

“Just a few weeks and you’ll be running marathons.” Shaw jokes. If there is one thing that Lexa learned about Shaw, besides his genuine kindness, is the fact that he makes terrible jokes.

But for some reason, they make her laugh anyways. She chuckles, feeling like a baby that is learning to walk for the first time as she is finally at the end of the bridge.

“Alright. How does it feel for you, Lexa?” Shaw asks, focusing back on her as he leans against the bridge, his brown eyes meeting green.

“Strange. But I feel that it fits well. It’s tight, but not too tight.”

“That’s a good sign.” Shaw smiles. “It’ll probably take some time before you can walk without help. We will continue to practice in the bridge. If that goes smoothly, you can either practice with crutches or a walker.”

“When will you let me practice at home?” Lexa is eager. She wants to practice. She wants to walk.

Even though this will never be as good as her own leg, it is the first time in weeks that she is able to stand without fucking crutches.

“As soon as I think that the time is right. You can’t just suddenly keep using the prosthetic – your wound is simply too fresh for that.” Shaw grins teasingly. “Now, this is physically draining, because you will have to train your left leg to carry the weight of the prosthetic. It might take a while before you get used to that, too.”

He extends his arms, supporting Lexa as he takes her to the bench, setting her down besides Raven.

“You will not only have to learn how to walk on these things, but how to take them off and put them on.” He squats down in front of them again, rolling up the sleeves of his white button-up.

He lets them look at their artificial limbs.

“Obviously, this is the foot.” He puts his hands on the two left feet of the women. “You are both amputees below the knee, both left. But Lexa’s residual limb is longer than Raven’s, see?” he points out how Lexa’s prosthetic is lower than Raven’s.

The two women nod silently, watching him speak. His hands move up to their ‘calves’, the part that covers as their lower leg. “This is basically a fiberglass shell, but your eventual leg will probably be made of titanium and aluminium.” He smiles. “So, to take it off, you press this pin.”

He moves his two hands to Lexa’s prosthetic, pressing a pin that is where the ankle is supposed to be. He straightens Lexa’s knee, sliding the shell with the foot off.

“See?” he does the same thing to Raven. Both women now have the rubber sleeve with a pin at the end.

“These prosthesis basically attach to the pins. You felt a click when I put it on, and when you stood. It connects with the prosthetic like that.”

He puts away the feet, sitting down in front of them again.

He then moves to take off Lexa’s rubber sock, to where the pin is attached to. “Because of the rubber, it will stay on your leg, keeping everything in place. You both will have to find your own way in this. The rubber will make you sweat and we have socks to put underneath it. This is called a liner.”

He slides the liner off Lexa’s leg, before doing the same thing to Raven. Now both woman have nothing left on their legs, both looking at their residual limb.

He smiles when he sees the looks on their faces. “It might take a while before you get that done smoothly. But we will also practice that next time, okay? I think we have done enough for today.”

Lexa massages her leg. She can already feel how much work she has to do to be strong enough to walk on that thing. But this is so much better than just using crutches.

She refuses to use wheelchairs, just like Raven. They are too stubborn for that and she knows it.

She rolls down the pipe of her joggers, hating that everybody can see that she is crippled.

Without saying much more, both Lexa and Raven make their way out of the hospital, already going to the bar.

“I fucking hate this.” Raven sighs when she slides into their booth.

“Hate what?” Lexa already sees the bartender that recognizes her. She mouths what they are drinking with a small smile, but the bartender waves it away because he probably already knows what they are drinking.

“That you are moving faster than me.” Raven shakes her head to herself, making Lexa smile lightly.

“You are pushing yourself too hard, you know that right?” Lexa opts, hoping she won’t piss her friend off.

“It’s just… I see you getting better. I see you smile more and you are so fucking patient when it comes to your leg. How the fuck do you do that?” Raven’s brown eyes are frustrated and Lexa shakes her head.

“I think I am trying to accept the situation, Raven. I can’t make more of it, it is just the way it is and progress is going slow. But I notice the progression and I guess that makes me happier.” She shrugs, watching the bartender walk over to them with their drinks.

“Hey, guys.” He smiles, his dark eyes kind as he puts down their beers.

“Hey, Ilian.” Lexa just smiles back at him, already taking a sip of her beer. She needs it.

Ilian returns to his position behind the bar, while Raven leans on the table heavily.

“Yeah. I have been looking into therapists, but they all seem like crap to me.” Raven shakes her head again, a pained smile on her lips.

“There are not many therapists out there that fit the right profile.” Lexa nods understandingly. “If it doesn’t feel good then you definitely shouldn’t go there.”

“Yeah. Let’s talk about something more… cheerful.” The Latina looks up. “How’s your dating life?”

“Non-existent.” The brunette grins, watching Raven’s eyes starting to sparkle.

“Ah, come on. I don’t believe you. You are too good-looking to have no dating life.”

“I could say the same about you.” Lexa bounces back smoothly, earning her a triumphant grin.

“Nobody ever said _my_ dating life is non-existent.”

“Touché. Enlighten me, then.” The brunette challenges her, but Raven shakes her head.

“You, first.”

“There is nothing to tell, Raven. I am single and I am not in the dating scene right now.”

Raven’s eyes widen as she snaps her fingers, pointing at Lexa quickly. “There it is! You looked away! You are lying. Why are you lying?” she laughs, making Lexa amused by Raven’s energy.

She wouldn’t really mind if Raven knows about her love life, but she isn’t one to talk about that quickly.

“Okay, let me guess. You… are a professor at Polis Uni. You don’t have much time to really date… oh. Oh!” Raven sits up straight, another smirk plastered to her face. “You are banging another professor.”

“Absolutely not.” The teacher laughs heartedly, sipping her beer.

“A student then?” Raven’s eyebrows rise when Lexa doesn’t speak, avoiding eye contact with the girl across from her. “A student, Lexa? Is he any good?”

“He? God.” Lexa chokes on her beer. “Do you not know that I am gay?”

“I had my suspicions.” Raven just laughs, shaking her head. “But now I know for sure. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable or anything.”

“No, it’s okay. I would have stopped you if I wouldn’t have wanted to talk about it.” Lexa grins, fumbling with her fingers. “Yeah, I never really meant to… but it just happened. We are not together or anything.”

“Right.” Raven thinks deeply. “You do seem to care, so I guess it wasn’t just for the thrill?”

“Never.” Lexa smiles, remembering her conversations with the blonde.

“Do I know her?” Raven asks curiously, in a way that Lexa makes her trust even more.

“I trust you with this, okay? It’s Clarke Griffin, she is actually a friend of Octavia’s.”

“Oh, I have seen her.” The Latina grins, leaning back to put her hair in a tight ponytail. “You have good taste.”

“Thanks. Now you, who are you dating?”

“Nobody. I haven’t since the accident.” Raven’s smile falters as she gulps from her beer. “I kind of feel… I just don’t want to be seen by anybody, not until I am comfortable with my body now.”

Nodding, Lexa can understand all too well what that feels like. They both have to get used to their new lifestyles and it is not easy.

“You’re straight?” Lexa eyes her, but Raven seems to open minded to be straight.

“No, as long as I am attracted to somebody I am willing to do whatever.” She grins indeed.

“Interesting.”

“But I am never going to bang you, though.” She takes a sip of her beer casually, but Lexa snorts again, trying to contain her laughter.

“I was never planning on _banging_ you, Raven.” She laughs.

“Not sure if I should take that as a compliment or not.”

“You should. I just want to keep you as my friend and don’t fuck it up.” Lexa still chuckles, not believing how blunt Raven actually is. But she loves it about her friend, it is refreshing.

“Good. I feel the same way.” The smile on her face is genuine and Lexa nods slowly, smiling right back.

“Why did you ask me for a drink that first time? I never really expected you to talk to me.”

“I figured I might as well got to know you if we were going to spend a few hours a week together with Shaw.” Raven simply shrugs. “I know I may look like a bitch and act like one, too, but I like you, Lexa. I hope you know that.”

“I know. I like you, too.”

“You better!”

\\\

She is finally allowed to practice at home, with her prosthetic. Raven isn’t as far as Lexa is, but the brunette is grateful when Raven comes over to her place to help her practice.

Lexa has turned her spare bedroom into a place where they can strengthen not only their legs, but their upper bodies as well. She has a few dumbbells, a bench to press weights and some other things and she and Raven find themselves there every day.

They work out for an hour or two, and Lexa practices with her artificial limb.

But Lexa is distracted. Her birthday is coming up soon and she is not sure how to feel about that.

It is the fifteenth anniversary of her parent’s deaths and she is not sure if the therapy has been helpful on that part.

Sure, her nightmares have lessened, not entirely gone, but manageable. Her fears are still there, but she is learning to accept them.

The only thing she feels like she hasn’t faced yet is the trauma of losing her parents.

“What is on your mind, Woods?” Raven pants, sweating in her sports bra and shorts as she is training her biceps.

“Oh, not much.” Lexa shrugs, struggling to get her prosthetic on. Once she has it on, she grabs her crutches, standing to practice balancing weight on her leg.

“You are such a terrible liar.” Raven grins, putting away her weights as she sits, eying her friend.

“My birthday is coming up.”

“Are you celebrating?” the Latina girl’s smile falters when she sees Lexa’s face.

“My parents died on my birthday. I haven’t celebrated it since.”

“Damn.” The other girl eyes her friend carefully. “What are you going to do?”

“Nothing.” Lexa shakes her head, leaning on her crutches as she tries to walk. It goes much better than before, but she still feels strange.

“I guess a surprise party is out of the question, then.” Raven teases, earning her a small grin from the brunette.

“You are right about that.” Lexa mumbles, deep in thought as she continues her exercises.

She can’t help but think of Clarke. It has been a few months since she has last seen her. She wonders how she is.

She wonders if Clarke is doing okay. Her summer break must have started around now and Lexa can’t help but feel the need to call her.

Feel the need to check up on her.

She misses Clarke.

She misses looking at her, she misses her scent, the way her blue eyes would light up when they spotted Lexa.

She misses her voice. She misses everything.

She waits until Raven is done with everything, drinking something together before the Latina girl leaves to go home.

She takes her phone, sitting on the couch, trying to find the courage to dial the blonde’s number.

Her finger hovers above the call button.

She bites her lips.

She doesn’t call.

\\\

She calls Lincoln instead.

“Lexa.” She can almost hear him smile into the phone. “How are you?”

“I am doing better.” Lexa closes her eyes, pinching the bridge of her nose. “Would you… like to come over?”

“Of course. I have time tonight. I can bring pizza.” He says calmly, his voice gentle.

“That would be nice.” The brunette misses him, too. He is her best friend after all and she has barely spoken to him the past few months.

“Alright. Seven sound good?”

“Absolutely.”

\\\

“Hey, Lex.” He presses a small kiss on her cheek when she opens the door for him. His smile is happy, his dark eyes sparkling.

He is wearing a simple polo shirt, accentuating his muscles.

“Hi.” Lexa smiles, walking to her kitchen with her crutches. “What do you want to drink?”

“Uh, water?” he grins, placing two pizza boxes on her table as he helps her in the kitchen.

Lexa fills his glass, trying to hop smoothly to the table. It works, but she spills a little water anyways, frustrated with herself.

She simply wipes it off the floor with her sock, moving back to the kitchen to grab some plates, but Lincoln is faster.

Instead, she puts on her Spotify, letting soft music play in the background as she opens a window.

It is a nice summer night and she has always loved those in Polis.

They sit at the table, both eating their pizza slowly.

“I miss you.” Lexa admits quietly, watching Lincoln stop in his tracks. She notices how his tomahawk is shorter than before, barely visible on his shaven head. He looks like he has been in the sun the past month a lot.

He only smiles, putting down the slice of pizza. “I miss you, too.”

“I have been doing okay.” She encourages herself to talk more. “I have been seeing a therapist and I just… I am finally starting to get somewhere.”

“That is good, Lex. That is really good.” He nods happily, reaching over the table for the brunette’s hand.

“I know it is. But lately it has only been about me and I just wanted to know how you are doing.” She smiles, taking his large hand in her own.

Lincoln has always been like a brother to her. He was always there, just like Anya and Echo.

They have always been a family and Lexa feels the distance that formed over the past few months.

“I am doing good, Lexa. I really am. Things between me and Anya are good as well, though we miss you. I am actually glad that you called me today, because I have something going on, and I need your help with it.” His eyes twinkle as a sly grin forms on his face.

“Oh?” raising her eyebrows in curiosity, Lexa pulls back her hand to continue eating.

“I am going to propose.” He grins so widely that Lexa is afraid his teeth might fall out.

“What?!” the brunette’s first instinct is to stand up from her chair to walk around the table and give him a big hug.

She does.

She forgets that she can’t walk, falling to the floor roughly, a slice of pizza flying in the air.

“Fuck!” she yells, hitting her knee on the floor harshly. She is lying on the floor and Lincoln is near her in an instant.

While he tries to help her up, she can’t help but laugh. She giggles, sitting up with Lincoln squatted beside her, laughing loudly.

“I am such an idiot.” She laughs, leaning against her best friend heavily. She can feel the tears streaming down her cheeks.

She can hear Lincoln’s quiet laughter as well, looking up at him to meet his grinning face. “I can’t remember the last time you fell, Lexa. You are the furthest thing from clumsy.”

Lexa only nods, another laugh bubbling up her throat as Lincoln helps her up from the floor.

But once she stands, she slings her arms around his waist, holding him tightly. She never reaches above his shoulder, so she lays her head against his chest, her laughter falling when she feels his arms around her.

They hug for what feels like hours, but Lexa knows it is only a few minutes. But she needs it. She needs him. And she has the feeling that he needs her, too.

Lexa pulls back a little, but not too far. Without his support, she would probably fall again. “You are proposing, oh my god. I thought Anya never wanted to get married.”

“That is what I thought as well.” The man laughs, putting Lexa back on her seat carefully. “But we talked about it a while back and she told me she’d be open for it.”

“It is a freaking miracle.” Lexa is flabbergasted. Anya has always been screaming around about how she would never get married.

“I know, right. But I need to pick out a ring. And I need your help with that.” He grins, sitting back to continue with his pizza.

“I would love to help.” The brunette only smiles at him, her heart tugging with a certain happiness and hope.

She feels like she is starting to be herself again.

\\\

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry that there weren't any clexa moments, but i just wanted lexa to pull to her friends.... clexa will happen soon!
> 
> thank you guys for being so sweet about this fic. i can't deal with all the love haha!


	15. to be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> reunited!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i half wrote this chapter after getting drunk with my italian father in law xD
> 
> hope structure, grammar and the typo's aren't too bad, but as soon as i get tipsy i just get inspired!!! couldn't keep you guys too long from this chapter so, hooray

\\\

On her thirtieth birthday near the end of July, Lexa orders a cab to take her to the cemetery. In the past fifteen years she has been avoiding this place, especially on her birthday.

But she wants to visit them again. She has the prosthetic on her leg, but has her crutches with her as well as she struggles out of the cab.

She lets the cab go, not sure how long she will be here. She brought a few things with her to make sure to clean the grave, take care of it, maybe plant a few flowers.

She buys flowers again, struggling to take it all to the grave, but she manages to stay up on her leg. She walks clumsily without crutches, realising that this is the first time she is able to walk like this.

It hurts her leg slightly, but she won’t ever admit that, not even to herself.

She then notices somebody at the grave of her parents. The figure does look familiar, but Lexa can’t see as she is too focused on getting there in one piece.

The sun is shining and she has barely slept, but she feels physically okay.

Mentally is another story. Tonight was the first night again to have many nightmares about her parents. Probably because she had been nervous about today.

As she approaches the grave, she sees who the familiar figure is.

“Echo?” Lexa asks carefully, eying her best friend from a small distance.

The woman looks up in surprise.

“Well, this is the first time that I see you here.” Echo doesn’t seem to feel caught. She wears garden gloves, dirty clothes as if she has been working on the grave, something Lexa had been wanting to do.

“You are the one who maintained their grave.” Realisation dawns upon the brunette as she drops her bag, trying to balance herself.

Echo only makes her way over to Lexa to give her a hug.

“Would you kill me if I said happy birthday? I mean, you only turn thirty once.” She smiles genuinely when she pulls back.

Lexa doesn’t know how to speak. She never expected Echo to be the one to keep up the grave, she never expected to find her friend here.

And she realises now that Echo might be so much more than just a friend.

“Thanks.” Lexa swallows away a few tears. “Why did you not tell me you kept coming here?”

“I knew you never went here, Lexa. But I knew you would have wanted their grave to be clean, so I came her about every month. But I also came her for them, Lexa. Your parents were always there for me, remember that?” Echo smiles lightly when she thinks back of those days when Lexa turned into a rebellious teenager.

Echo had been just a few years older, but she came over a lot. Lexa’s parents loved her.

“I remember.” Lexa smiles, but her lips tremble. “I remember them so clearly.”

“Me, too.” Echo wraps her arm around Lexa’s waist as they stand in front of the grave, both women taking a few moments to try and think back of the good times.

“I never really got to say this, Lexa, but I am so fucking sorry about everything that happened to you.” Echo seems to be having trouble as well, holding back some tears. Lexa leans on her heavily as she nods.

“You don’t have to be, Echo. It is beyond our control.” The brunette speaks, realising that she even believes herself. She starts to believe that those things that happened to her, are beyond her control.

So maybe, now she can heal. Maybe she can face her feelings instead of putting them away.

“Thank you for taking care of them when I couldn’t.” Lexa breathes, not being able to help herself as she starts to cry. The older woman is there to hold her lightly.

“Always, Lexa.” Echo smiles. “How about we fix the grave together now?”

When the brunette nods, sniffing a few times, wiping away her tears, Echo squats down, while Lexa drops herself to the ground, sitting on her butt. She takes some gloves as well, starting to pull out some weeds.

The two women work in silence and the brunette is grateful that Echo doesn’t speak.

She has a lot on her mind. Flashes of the past run through her head as she sits in the sun, cleaning up the grave as well as possible.

She remembers being happy with her parents. She remembers how it felt to have them around.

Her father had always been there for her. When she got home from school, he was there. When she woke up the next morning, he was there.

On the weekends, her mother was there too, when she wasn’t working. She was close with her parents.

She misses them.

She wonders what they would have been like today. She wonders how they would’ve felt about her being gay, about her being a teacher now.

She thinks they would be okay with it all. Actually, she _knows_ they would. The thought almost makes her cry, but she manages to hide it.

There is so much going through her head right now.

She remembers the accident. How her father had died, how her mother had been screaming moments before she bled out.

How she was stuck in the backseat, not able to do anything because she was in shock.

She still feels the guilt, sometimes. She still feels responsible for their deaths, even though she knows it was out of her control.

She doesn’t realise she is actually crying when Echo sits down beside her, wrapping an arm around Lexa’s shoulder.

Together they sit, Echo letting Lexa cry longer than ever before, watching the grave they cleaned. The brunette can’t stop her tears, sobbing and sniffing for about an hour and Echo just sits with her patiently.

In that moment, Lexa feels relieved. There is a weight off her shoulders and she hasn’t experienced that feeling before.

Maybe because she finally allows herself to feel everything. Maybe because she realises what she has to do.

Maybe because she realises she should not stop herself from caring about _Clarke_.

The blonde is on her mind so suddenly, that Lexa almost feels shocked about it. She knows what she has to do.

She knows what she should do, she knows exactly the only thing that would make her life complete.

“I have to go.” The brunette sniffles, trying to wipe away her tears, turning to sit on her knees before she balances herself on her legs, a little wobbly, but it works.

She stands. Alone.

“Go where?” Echo asks her curiously, but Lexa only throws her a knowing look. The other woman nods, a small smile on her face.

 _Clarke_.

“Go get her.”

\\\

Lexa takes a cab to Clarke’s house. She is still covered in dirt and she doesn’t look all too clean, but she doesn’t care.

She can feel her nerves running through her veins as the cab pulls over in front of Clarke’s house, but she doesn’t hesitate when she takes her crutches, getting out of the cab.

She breathes a few times, before walking up to the white, modern house.

She hovers near the front door, trying to find the courage. Maybe Clarke will hate her for not talking to her in a few months.

Maybe Clarke will have moved on.

She shakes her head to herself. That shouldn’t matter. The only reason she is here is because she is going to make it right.

She is going to fix her mistakes.

She is going to make things right, something she should have done months ago. 

She then rings the doorbell. She waits, five, ten seconds.

The door slings open and Lexa’s eyes widen when she faces the blonde’s mother.

“Who are you?” the woman asks and Lexa is not sure if she is sober or not.

“Uh, Lexa. I am looking for Clarke.” She mumbles uncomfortably. Abby doesn’t seem to recognize the brunette as she leans on her crutches heavily.

“Clarke is not here.” Abby leans against the doorframe, a small flash of pain in her eyes that Lexa doesn’t fail to notice.

“Where is she?”

“I have no idea. She left weeks ago and she didn’t come back.” Abby crosses her arms, still a pained look on her face.

Lexa is confused. Clarke would never leave her mother just like that. “Uh, why?”

“I don’t think that is any of your business, _Lexa_.” Abby simply says, not unkind.

“Are you sober?” Lexa eyes her, earning a glare from the older woman.

“Who are you, really? How do you know Clarke?” Abby’s brown eyes look at Lexa suspiciously.

“I uh… I know her from Polis University.” Lexa doesn’t lie, but doesn’t spill the entire truth either.

“Right. If you must know, I am sober, yes.” Abby nods, softening a little when she watches Lexa’s crutches. “What happened to your leg?”

Smiling bitterly, Lexa only raises the pipe of her pants.

“Oh.” Abby’s eyes grow. “Wait. I know who you are. You are Lexa Woods. Clarke’s teacher?”

“Yes.” Lexa swallows awkwardly.

“You’re the reason she left.” Abby simply says, but there is no judgement in her voice.

Lexa has no idea why the woman is talking to her so personally. She has no idea why Abby is so honest with her and she sure has hell has no idea what she has to do with Clarke’s leaving.

“I am?”

“Do you want to come in?” Abby already steps back and Lexa has no fucking clue what to do. She didn’t come here for Abby. She came here for Clarke.

“Sure.” The word rolls out of her mouth before she can stop it, already punishing herself for it as she walks into the house, barely using her crutches.

Abby closes the door behind her.

“Do you want something to drink?” Abby asks, already making her way over to the kitchen.

“Water is fine.” Lexa replies, sitting down awkwardly on the couch. How the fuck did she get here? How is Abby sober?

What the hell happened between Clarke and her mother?

It doesn’t take long for Abby to return with two glasses, setting one down in front of Lexa.

“I know about your accident.” Abby just says, sitting down in a chair across from Lexa. The living room is quite modern, much like the brunette’s own taste.

“You do?”

“Hard to go around when it is all that Clarke talks about.” The older woman smiles sadly.

“She talked about it?”

“Every time I saw her, before she left.”

“And you remember that?” Lexa eyes her carefully, being blunt on purpose. She wants to know how Abby is doing. She wants to know _why_ Clarke left.

“I do. I, uh… I believe that I owe you an apology, Lexa.” Abby’s brown eyes are hurtful, filled with pain when they look into Lexa’s. “So, a few weeks ago we had a fight. Bigger than we ever had and she told me everything I needed to hear. She told me about you, how things happened when you went to Chicago in January. How I behaved myself towards you. I need to apologize. I have treated you badly and you wanted to help.”

Nodding, Lexa takes a small sip of her water. “I don’t think it is me you should apologize to, though.”

Abby looks up at her in surprise.

“I know bits and pieces about your relationship with Clarke. I have no idea what happened to you those weeks ago, but before all that, you kind of… abandoned her while she wanted to be there for you.”

“I know.” The older woman nods, pursing her lips. “She told me that, too. I, uhh… she told me everything that was bothering her.”

“Like what?”

“How things happened between her and me. How I treated her and started drinking. How her father died and that I wasn’t there for her. She told me about her relationship with you, how much you mean to her.”

Lexa chokes on her water. Abby knows that Lexa is her daughter’s teacher. But does she know about their intimate moments?

Abby chuckles lightly. “I know what happened between you. Clarke is never one to keep things to herself, at least not with me and… Jake. I also know that you are supposed to be her teacher and what you did, trying to do the right thing, I admire you for that. But I suppose, since I found you on my doorstep, looking for her, you really must care for her.”

“I do.”

Abby only smiles. “I could tell from her stories about you. Must be hard for you two to care while you are not allowed.”

Lexa coughs again. “Sure.”

The older woman giggles lightly, but it falters. “Look, I want to thank you for what you have done for her. The reason she left is because we fought – she gave me an ultimatum. She told me that if I would not sober up, she would never return.”

“But you are sober now.”

“I have been ever since she left. I went to rehab.” Abby fumbles with her hands. “I didn’t really know what I was doing, not until Clarke exploded.”

The thought makes Lexa proud, making her smile lightly. The blonde finally did it. “But you don’t know where she is now?”

Shaking her head, Abby seems a bit lost.

Lexa might know where the blonde would go, but she is not telling Abby that.

“I admire you for sobering up.” She just says, finishing her water.

The older Griffin seems surprised at that. “I figured from Clarke’s stories that you had enough reason to not like me.”

“Mrs. Griffin, I-”

“Abby.”

“Abby, I am never one to _not_ like anyone. I know that you went through something terrible. I know that pain. But everybody reacts differently and I can never blame anybody for that. I think that you didn’t handle it well, but that does not mean that I don’t like you. We all hurt.”

“Have you lost anyone?” Abby eyes her with a certain curiosity that is also kind, caring. Lexa knows that Abby is a good person. She just prays that Abby will continue to stay sober.

“My parents when I was fifteen.” Lexa nods. She rises from the couch, looking behind to see if she left any dirt on it.

That isn’t the case.

“I see.” Abby scrapes her throat, standing up as well. “I know that you didn’t come here for me, but I want to thank you for staying.”

“You’re welcome.”

“If there is anything that I can do for you, let me know, okay?” Abby walks a little closer. “And thank you again, for being there for Clarke.”

“I haven’t been there the past months, Abby. I am not sure if you know that.”

“Who can blame you? After what you went through?” brown eyes are genuine as the woman steps closer.

“ _ **I**_ blame me.” The brunette tells in all honesty. This visit has been strange, to say the least.

Seeing Abby sober, full of remorse, Lexa knows that she will be okay. Abby and Clarke will be okay, they just have to find a way to forgive.

“You shouldn’t.” Abby shakes her head. “When you find her, will you tell her that I love her?”

“ _If_ I find her.” Lexa nods, already walking back to the front door. Before she leaves, she turns, facing Clarke's mother again. "I really hope that you and Clarke figure things out, Abby. She needs you, and from what I have seen today, I think you need her, too."

With that, Lexa can see a silent tear slipping from the older woman's cheek. She wipes it away quickly, but she nods. "I have been... I haven't really noticed the past year. I was so hurt, and Clarke reminds me of Jake so much." she mumbles.

"I know. They do look alike." Lexa smiles, remembering the man she once worked with. 

"You knew Jake?" Abby's eyes grow lightly.

The brunette only smiles. "I recently found out that I have been working with him at my firm, I think a little over two years ago, now. He is one of the kindest men I ever had the pleasure of working with."

With that, Abby just starts crying, just like Clarke had when Lexa told her about Jake. Lexa doesn't really know what to do. She stands near the front door awkwardly, watching the older woman cry.

She sets her crutches aside, stumbling over to Abby, only to take the older woman in her arms subtly. Abby instantly hugs her back, cupping the back of Lexa's head.

"I really hurt Clarke, didn't I?"

"Yes, you did." Lexa holds her closely, feeling strange. This is not how she imagined seeing Abby again and she is not sure how to feel about it all. Yes, Abby shows remorse and yes, she has sobered up - at least for now. But the woman's road to redemption is still long and Lexa knows that Clarke won't forgive her that easily. "And I know that Clarke will be angry with you for a long time, but just... don't give up on her. She really needs you."

"I know." Abby sniffs, pulling back lightly, cupping Lexa's face. Her brown eyes are intense. "I know that Clarke loves you. I think from seeing you here, that you love her, too. And I don't care that you are her teacher, I am sure that you will work that out, but just... please take care of her? She won't let me, not after everything and she needs somebody."

Abby's eyes are so hurtful and bare, that Lexa can almost feel her pain. She only nods in response.

"You're a good person, Lexa." she only says, pulling back from Lexa now completely, wiping her own tears from her cheeks. 

"So are you." the brunette genuinely replies. "But just remember that... Clarke loves you, okay? She stayed with you for so long because she cares."

"And all I did was hate her." Abby's voice cracks again and Lexa hates to see this. She hates that neither Clarke nor Abby wanted this to happen and yet, it did. Abby has made such a huge mistake and it will take so much time for both Griffin's to heal from that.

"I have faith that everything will work out, Abby." the brunette smiles lightly. She hopes that this conversation will do Abby good, but all she really wants is just to get to Clarke. The blonde has always been her priority.

"Thank you, Lexa." Abby smiles through her tears.

Lexa opens the front door, sending one last smile to the older Griffin.

“Bye, Abby.”

“Bye, Lexa.” Abby stands at the door, watching Lexa walk towards the street.

The brunette stops a cab, stepping into it.

She calls Raven.

“Woods!”

“Do you have, by any chance, Octavia Blake’s address?” Lexa blurts out. Octavia has been Clarke’s closest friend the past year. It is the only thing she can think of.

“Why do you wanna know?” Raven sounds like she is eating, smacking into the phone grossly, making Lexa scrunch up her nose in disgust.

“Just… gimme the address.” Lexa mutters.

“Fine, Commander.” The Latina gives Lexa the address, which she gives the cab driver, hanging up the phone before Raven has a chance to say more.

Lexa can’t help but think of her conversation with Abby. She really hopes that the older woman will finally be able to move on.

She just wants Clarke to be okay.

\\\

“Holy fucking shit.” Octavia’s eyes are wide when she sees Lexa at her front door. “How do you know where I live?”

“Doesn’t matter.” Lexa shakes her head. She is impatient. She wants to see Clarke. “How are you, Octavia?”

“Better than you.” The girl smiles lightly, glancing at Lexa’s crutches. “I assume you are here for Clarke?”

“She’s here?”

“You didn’t think she was?” the younger Blake replies quickly. Lexa just wants to see Clarke. Octavia lives in an apartment building with her brother. It is not too bad, but not as luxurious and big as Lexa’s own apartment.

“I was guessing.” She shrugs, leaning on her healthy leg.

“I will go get her.” Octavia smiles. “Good to see you standing again.”

“Good to see _you_.” Lexa smiles back, anxiously waiting for the blonde to show up.

She turns around, not sure if she is able to face her instantly.

She clamps her hands around her crutches, tearing them away. She wants to stand in front of Clarke without leaning on those stupid things, but her leg hurts.

She lets one of them drop to the floor accidentally and she grits her teeth in annoyance.

Just when she is about to bow to pick it up, a voice sounds.

“Lexa?”

Lexa’s heart stops beating in the slightest. The blonde’s voice sounds low and vulnerable and the brunette realises just how much she has missed hearing it.

She stands back up straight, dropping her other crutch as well. She awkwardly shuffles to turn around, afraid to face the blonde.

But Clarke looks stunning.

Absolutely fucking breath-taking.

She is wearing a simple white t-shirt, a light pair of jeans and her hair is up in a messy bun. Her skin subtly tanned, her blue orbs looking at Lexa, filled with so much hope that the brunette can’t take it anymore.

She steps closer, praying that her leg and artificial limb will cooperate as she pulls the blonde in her arms.

She hugs her as if her life depends on it, clutching onto the blonde, never wanting to let go again.

She presses her face in the blonde’s neck when she feels Clarke’s arms around her own waist, holding her just as tightly as Lexa is holding Clarke.

Lexa has no idea how long they stand there. She has no idea and she doesn’t care. She inhales Clarke’s scent, holding her close, tears falling as she finally feels like she’s _home_.

And she lets herself. The obligations she has as a teacher don’t bother her anymore.

This is exactly what matters. The only thing that is important. It took her far too long to realise, but this is it and she knows it.

She would happily suffer for another three years, for as long as Clarke is her student. But she will never leave her again.

Not unless _Clarke_ wants her to.

She can feel the blonde shake in her arms, indicating that she is crying, too.

She cups the back of Clarke’s head, pressing her close. She doesn’t bother speaking.

She has the feeling that they both need this. The way Clarke clings onto her, the way her own body can’t seem to distant itself from the blonde.

She enjoys every second of it, but then, Clarke pulls back slightly.

“Happy birthday?” she just says, her eyes red and teary, biting her lips, looking doubtfully up at Lexa.

Her face is so fucking close, her eyes so fucking blue.

Their bodies flush, Lexa can’t stop herself from smiling through her tears.

“Thank you.” She whispers, leaning her forehead against the blonde’s. She cups her face, tucking a strand of loose, blonde hair behind the student’s ear.

She is just about to lean in further, when she pulls back.

“I… I have made many mistakes, Clarke. I walked away when I shouldn’t have. Many people told me this and still, I walked away. I hope you can forgive me for that.”

“There is nothing to forgive, Lexa. You did what you thought was right, you did the right thing for _you_.” Clarke only says, already stepping closer again, pulling Lexa against her, her fingers through the belt loops of Lexa’s pants.

“Wait, what happened to you? Why are you all… covered in dirt?” the blonde realises only now how Lexa looks like and the brunette shoots an apologetic look at her.

“I went to the cemetery. I wanted to clean my parent’s grave.” She admits, a sad smile on her face.

Clarke doesn’t speak. Instead, she places her hand at the nape of Lexa’s neck, pulling her in softly. Their noses bump lightly, their eyes fluttering closed, both women sighing in simple content. Just when Lexa is about to capture the blonde’s lips, a loud squeal sounds from within the apartment.

“Oh my god, Bell!” Octavia yells, making Clarke step back, rolling her eyes in annoyance.

Lexa only chuckles.

“Do you want to come in?” Clarke asks, but the brunette shakes her head.

“I, uhh… Maybe another time. I just… wanted to speak to _you_.” She feels a bit stuck. Literally, she can’t really walk. Her leg won’t work with her and her crutches are lying in the hallway behind her.

She tries to turn, but stumbles over her own leg, but Clarke somewhat catches her, helping her stand again.

“Your leg?” she just says, glancing down. She notices that Lexa cannot walk properly.

“No more.” Lexa shakes her head, leaning on the blonde as she reaches down to grab her crutches.

“What?” the blonde’s eyes widen, her lips parted in shock.

Lexa does the same thing to her that she did to the blonde’s mother – she rises the pipe of her pants, showing the prosthetic.

“Oh my god, Lexa.” Clarke only breathes, her blue eyes still wide in shock. “You idiot.”

“What?” now it is Lexa’s turn to be confused.

“Why did you _have_ to push me away?” Clarke clearly feels bad, hurt in her voice when she realises what happened while they weren’t in contact.

“How about we go for a walk, Clarke?” Lexa does feel the need to explain things, she wants to talk to Clarke, just not here.

The blonde nods, trying to hold back her tears as she yells something at the Blake siblings.

She closes the front door behind her, walking after Lexa as they make their way out of the building.

“I came to see you, Clarke. I wanted to talk to you.” Lexa feels the warm wind in her hair as they step outside, distance between them as the brunette needs her crutches to walk.

“About what?” the blond eyes her carefully, trying not to look too hopeful, but Lexa smiles when she sees it.

“Isn’t there a park nearby? I can barely walk anymore.” Lexa can’t really ignore the pain in her leg anymore.

“Yeah.” The blonde guides her to a small park, where they settle on a bench, just a few inches between them.

“I wanted to ask you something.” Lexa starts. She watches out over the park, re-doing her ponytail.

The wind is warm, the view is beautiful. They are in the middle of the city, a small park between the higher buildings, many trees and people walking.

“Are you gonna ask me or are you going to keep me in the dark?” Clarke teases, but Lexa can tell that she is impatient.

“I have been through a lot, Clarke. I am working on myself right now and I think I am getting somewhere. But… I…” she tries to find the words. “I care about you. I have from the start and I… I am sorry about everything that I have done to you.”

She falls quiet for a bit, not wanting to look at Clarke. It has been too long and Clarke looks so fucking beautiful it would only distract her from what she is trying to say. So she watches over the park.

“I should have listened to Nyko, to Octavia.” She admits. “But I didn’t. I ran away from you and I feel like I abandoned you. I feel like I left you there on your own, just like your mother did.”

“Don’t ever compare yourself to _my mother_.” Clarke says, a serious look on her face, so sternly that Lexa has to swallow.

“But Clarke, don’t you see? I did the exact same thing as your mother did to you.” Lexa breaks. Her voice cracking, she realises she just left Clarke behind.

“You didn’t! Why the hell do you think that? Lexa, my mother is a drunk. She just stopped talking to me, hating me for being her dead husband’s daughter. You never hated me. You were there, you told me you needed the time, that it would be better to keep a distance. I have always known what you needed and I wanted to give that to you. That is a difference between you and my mother – that you told me about your struggles. You communicated that to me. You warned me from the start, though I chose not to listen.”

Lexa can only look into her blue eyes, wanting nothing more than to lean in. But they need to have this conversation.

“But I left you when things got hard.”

“But you told me that. Remember? You never got drunk, yelling things at me, blaming me for what happened to you. You have never _forgotten_ about me, Lexa.” Clarke cries softly, burying her face in her hands.

Lexa knows how the relationship with Clarke’s mother has damaged the blonde the past year. She hates that Abby had to do that, but she knows that the older Griffin is only human, too.

“She loves you, Clarke.” Taking the blonde in her arms without hesitation, Lexa knows that they still have so many struggles to face. So much pain, so much recovering.

“Yeah, I don’t believe that anymore.” Clarke cracks out, burying herself in Lexa’s arms. The brunette loves the feeling of having her in her arms, loving how well Clarke fits against her. “She hates me. She hates me because I look like my dad so much and I only remind her of what she has lost.”

The brunette’s heart breaks all over again. She never wanted Clarke to feel this way, she hates to see her so hurt, broken and alone.

“I went to see her today. I was originally looking for you, but I found your mother instead.” The teacher starts, feeling how Clarke pulls back lightly, her blue eyes filled with a combination of anger and hope. She remains quiet, waiting for Lexa to speak again.

“She was sober, Clarke. She has been since your fight. She told me a little about it and she apologized to me.”

“She apologized? Sober?” Clarke seems surprised. “So I _did_ get through to her.”

“It certainly seems so. She asked me to tell you that she loves you, Clarke.”

“And you believe her?” the blonde scoffs, but Lexa knows that it hurts her to hear this.

“Actually, I do, Clarke.” Lexa bites her bottom lip, waiting for a reaction. She is not getting one. “I know that what she did to you is unforgivable, okay? Remember that I found you on the sidewalk multiple times? How I had to pick you up before we went to Chicago and how she called me? I _see_ your pain.”

“And her apologizing fixes everything.” The blonde rolls her eyes.

“You are stubborn.” Lexa smiles. “No, apologies don’t fix things at all. But it tells me that she wants to try, Clarke. She wants to make things up to you. I could see it in her eyes. I am not pushing you to do anything right now, okay? You have to walk your own road. I just wanted to let you know that she _cares_. She _knows_ that what she did was wrong on so many levels.”

At that, Clarke softens, sighing deeply. They stare to the park, leaning shoulder against shoulder.

“When did they take your leg?” Clarke then asks, moving her head subtly to the left, watching Lexa’s profile.

“Just a few days after I saw you at the cemetery.” Lexa whispers, feeling the blonde’s breath on her cheek.

She can feel the warmth of Clarke’s hand as it moves to cup her cheek, making her look aside, into those fucking blue orbs. They remain like this for a few minutes - simply taking each other in, realising that this is real. Realising that they mean so much more to each other than they would have ever expected.

The brunette knows that Clarke is about to kiss her.

“I broke your heart.” Lexa says, her eyes moving to look between Clarke’s eyes. The blonde only smiles.

“Perhaps, you broke your own even more.”

The blonde’s lips are parted, her gaze flickering between Lexa’s eyes and her mouth.

Her hand cups the back of Lexa’s neck and the brunette hesitates as everything seems to slow down.

She sees Clarke’s half lidded gaze before her own eyes flutter closed and when that soft, gentle mouth presses against hers, she doesn’t know what to do.

She doesn’t know if she should respond, but her body can only oblige.

It thinks for her.

She whimpers helplessly against Clarke as both hands cup Lexa’s cheeks, holding her in place.

She parts her own lips, feeling the softness of Clarke’s tongue swiping at her entrance. She happily grants her access.

She feels like she’s been waiting for this moment forever and her body trembles as Clarke pulls back to look at her.

She looks relieved and peaceful and Lexa loves the power Clarke still has over her.

“I have been wanting to do that the moment I saw you at Octavia’s apartment.” The blonde whispers, still so close that Lexa can feel the warmth of her body radiate to her own.

She leans her forehead against Clarke’s, her eyes closed as she can still taste her.

“What does it mean?” Lexa whispers.

“ _Everything_.” The blonde replies, her hands moving back to hold Lexa’s face, making the brunette look into those blue orbs.

The architect is at a loss for words. This moment feels so intimate, so pure and she wishes it could last forever, but it doesn’t.

“I… after everything that has happened…” Lexa starts, but Clarke doesn’t give her a chance to talk.

“Stop that. Stop it. Just… I know that we couldn’t be. But we can now, right? So, please, can we just… _be?_ Finally?” Clarke breathes, her voice low, her lips swollen and looking so fucking beautiful that Lexa feels like she can’t handle it all.

Lexa has so much to say, but she needs the peace. She needs Clarke. She didn’t know she did, but now that she is _here_ , now that she has felt her again, she knows she does.

She knows she will _always_ need her.

“You were right, Clarke.” She breathes heavily, her green eyes staring into blue. “Life is about more than just surviving.”

\\\

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooooo next chapters might take a while again, since i still have to write them, but at least you have the clexa reunion now!!!
> 
> love you so much , guys!
> 
> PS: smut is on the way........


	16. change

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> basically only smut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there ya gooooo
> 
> enjoy!

\\\

They take a cab to Lexa’s house.

They can’t separate. They hold onto each other as tightly as they can, not able to let each other go just yet.

As soon as the cab stops in front of Lexa’s building, they stumble into it, their lips connecting with a despair that Lexa has never known before. The brunette manages to hold onto Clarke while she tries to walk on her leg, struggling to hold her crutches while she tries to kiss the blonde.

She needs it. She needs the blonde.

Unable to stay away, she connects her lips with Clarke’s soft skin in the blonde’s neck, but Clarke cups her face, guiding her lips to her own once again.

They meet in a hot, open-mouthed kiss, tongues sliding against the other as Lexa presses herself against Clarke, balancing herself as well as she can, heat already going to her core intensely. The feeling of the blonde’s body against her own is almost too much for her to handle.

They almost fall into Lexa’s apartment, the brunette instantly throwing her crutches aside. They don’t even make it to her bedroom, they stumble into Lexa’s small study instead, the brunette’s back slamming against the closed door.

Her heart is beating rapidly in her chest, her mind exceptionally torn, now that she knows how Clarke’s lips feel on her own again, now that she is reminded how it makes her feel, how perfect it is.

How they are fucking _meant to be_.

“Clarke.” Lexa breathes heavily, green eyes meeting blue.

Clarke simply stands in front of Lexa – her eyes filled with lust and desire, and Lexa _wants_ to give her everything.

God, how much she wants to just let go, to forever _be_. And she does. She lets go.

The sight of Clarke in front of her, her body almost flush against her own, Lexa can feel electricity running through her veins as she makes eye contact again.

She is panting, noticing that Clarke’s fingers are wrapped around her forearms, holding her close. The touch makes her skin feel like it’s on fire and Lexa feels how her own body betrays her.

Instead of fighting any longer, she crashes her lips against Clarke’s again. Their bodies push roughly into one another, fire and craving building within Lexa.

She can feel Clarke moan into the kiss as her tongue enters the blonde’s mouth.

They kiss shortly, but Lexa has to breathe. She has to remind herself that this is real, that Clarke is really here, in her arms, in her house in Polis. That they are actually doing this.

For a short moment, Lexa is able to look at the blonde.

All she can see is yearning and something more delicate – something that she knows is far beyond love.

Lexa knows that she probably looks the same, her green eyes glued to blue.

She leans in again – this time more gentle, delicate and sweet. The taste of Clarke’s lips on her own is doing strange things to her body.

It sends shivers down her spine, heat to her core.

She keeps kissing her because god, Clarke is addicting, she is fucking _everything_.

Her mind goes blank, her heart so full of love that she wonders how she was ever able to throw it all away.

But then, they meet again in a kiss that is more heated than the others, mouths wide open and tongues sliding against the other before Lexa pushes off the door and begins to walk them both clumsily back towards her desk.

What had begun as uncertain kisses and touches against the door of her study, turns more frenzied now, emotions taking over and heat running through their veins.

Lexa keeps pressing into her, hands on both of Clarke’s sides, making the blonde walk backwards until her ass hits the intended desk.

Clarke’s breathing becomes fast and hard as she tugs on Lexa’s shirt, lifting it, pushing the straps of her bra off her shoulders with one hand and tugs Lexa’s hair out of her casual up-do.

Her chestnut hair falls down over her bare shoulders and Clarke sits back for a moment with the most beautiful smile on her face, one that Lexa only just wants to kiss away.

The brunette grinds their hips together, glad that she is still able to balance herself, her lips already attached to the blonde’s again. Lexa lifts the blonde higher on the desk, reaching behind her to sweep the desk clear from whatever is getting in the way.

She pushes Clarke down, tugging on her shirt, trying to take it off. She needs to see Clarke. She needs to _feel_ her underneath her own body as she slowly grinds into her.

Clarke gets the hint – she is smooth and quick when she gets rid of her top – leaving her in nothing but her bra.

Lexa’s eyes darken as she watches the blonde underneath her – leaning in to attach her lips to the newly exposed skin in the blonde’s neck, sucking and placing open-mouthed kisses in places she only dreamed of the past half year.

She lets go of any sense of reason when Clarke lets out the sexiest moan she has ever heard, feeling the blonde’s fingers tangle in her own curls tightly.

Lexa growls, her lips making her way further down to the swell of the blonde’s breasts.

She slides her arm under Clarke – placing her hand between her shoulder blades to lift her just enough to unclasp her bra smoothly.

As soon as Clarke’s bra slips off, Lexa can feel herself starting to drip as she takes in the sight of the blonde’s exposed breasts.

Lexa simply whimpers, leaning down to capture Clarke’s lips with her own again – Clarke’s hands return to their previous spot in the nape of the brunette’s neck, gripping tightly onto her hair.

Lexa’s love is driving her insane – she allows herself to touch Clarke in places she has been remembering for months. Her hand slides up and down Clarke’s bare side, cupping her breast as Lexa can feel the blonde’s moan vibrate against her own tongue.

Then, she reaches for the button and zipper of Clarke’s jeans. The blonde eagerly lifts her hips as Lexa tries to shove it down, taking her panties in the process.

Lexa can smell Clarke’s pleasure. A moan bubbles up in her own throat as she positions herself back, hovering over Clarke as the blonde cups her face tenderly.

Staring into blue eyes for a moment, Lexa gets lost in everything that she is feeling. Desire, that deep-rooted love for the blonde, she can’t hold it in anymore.

Clarke parts her lips – as if she is about to say something, her pupils blown.

Whatever she was going to say, is getting lost in a sharpened moan as Lexa slides two unexpected fingers into her, biting down Clarke’s neck as she slowly starts pumping.

The wetness that her fingers meet sends deep shivers down her entire body – she can feel her own wetness pool between her legs.

At the feeling of Lexa inside her, Clarke throws her head back, her back jerking from the desk, a deep moan escaping her lips.

Lexa is there to slip her hand back underneath Clarke’s back to hold her steady as she increases her speed. The blonde’s low moans alone is _almost_ enough to send Lexa over the edge herself.

With Clarke’s head thrown back, the exposure of her neck is too much for Lexa to ignore.

Even with her fingers inside of the blonde and Clarke’s moans building until they fill the study completely, all of Lexa’s obsessive focus is on nibbling and sucking into her neck with a hunger she has never showed before, not to anyone.

With every kiss she waits until Clarke’s moans turn to a gasp before she moves lower down her neck to the next unclaimed piece of skin.

Lexa can feel Clarke’s walls clenching around her fingers, knowing the blonde is close.

“Fuck, Lexa, _please_ …”

Lexa moves away from her neck and hovers above her as she fucks her. She watches every reaction she is eliciting from the blonde, memorizing her face each second of it.

It’s like Clarke can sense that Lexa is watching her as her fingers curl lightly inside of her, hitting that spot behind her pubic bone, Clarke’s head shooting up, her eyes wide as they meet Lexa’s.

Her pupils fully blown, Clarke shudders as she rolls her hips into Lexa, looking for more friction. Lexa is willing to give her more – she curls her fingers further into the blonde, burying them deep as she can see the blonde’s eyes rolling back into her head.

Lexa picks up her speed, watching the blonde tremble in her arms, feeling her body tense and arch up – sending her over the edge with the lowest moan that Lexa has ever heard.

The hands that still tangle in her hair, tighten their grip as Lexa leans in to capture those soft, beautifully shaped lips with her own to stifle the blonde’s loud moans, as Clarke rides out her orgasm on her fingers.

The kiss is hot and heated, but not as heated as before – Clarke collapses back on the desk once she has come undone entirely.

It is the most precious thing that Lexa ever had gotten to witness in her entire life.

Clarke stares at the ceiling, gasping for air as her hands slip out of Lexa’s hair, down to her shoulders to pull the brunette closer.

She is breathing just as heavily as Clarke, slightly turning to drop herself on her back beside the blonde, her lips swollen, chest going up and down quickly.

Clarke turns on her side to look at her – staring with her bright blue eyes, exposed in a way that Lexa has never seen before.

“You’re beautiful.” The blonde murmurs, raising her hand to rest on Lexa’s cheek, her fingers going down to trace her jawline, the fresh scar in Lexa’s neck.

“So are you.” Lexa breathes, closing her eyes as she leans into Clarke’s tender touches.

Lexa is still lying in just her bra, her hair a mess and her skin flushed as she realises what had just happened.

“We should probably move to my bedroom.” Lexa breathes heavily, chuckling when she sees a flabbergasted Clarke lying on her desk.

They lie for a few more moments, trying to catch their breaths before Lexa lifts herself up.

Once she stands, she can feel her body aching, in a good way. But her leg hurts and she wants nothing more than to take the prosthetic off.

She offers her hand to Clarke, the blonde trying to put on her pants as she slides from the desk.

They make their way to Lexa’s bedroom, the brunette leaning on Clarke more than she wants to.

Once Lexa closes the door behind her, Clarke pins her against it.

“Don’t tell me that this is just for one night.” She almost pleads, her eyes so big and honest that Lexa has to swallow away the lump in her throat.

She cups Clarke’s face, feeling how soft her skin is as her thumbs cares her cheeks.

“I need you in my life.” The brunette simply states, holding Clarke against her. “I have always needed you.”

She almost starts to cry, but Clarke is there. The blonde is there, kissing away all the pain, all the loss she has ever felt and it is enough.

It is good.

It's _perfect_.

It is exactly where she needs to be.

\\\

Lexa hasn’t slept this well in ages. She has had no nightmares, no more waking up drenched in sweat.

Instead, she can feel an arm around her bare waist, and she smiles from ear to ear when she remembers the night before.

She remembers how they had gotten home, only to have sex countless of times, until they had gotten hungry and ordered food.

Lexa remembers how gentle Clarke had been with her leg – how the blonde had taken off the artificial limb, softly massaging the brunette’s leg, her blue eyes so fucking big and loving that Lexa had felt emotional more times than she can count.

“Morning.” Clarke’s husky voice sounds in her ear and Lexa wonders how she knew that she was awake.

“Morning.” Lexa mumbles, slightly turning in her bed, facing the blonde.

The light that falls into her bedroom makes Clarke look like a fucking angel. Her wild, blonde hair is shining, displayed all over the pillow. Her blue eyes big, her smile endearing.

“Fuck, you are beautiful.” Lexa only breathes, realising that this is the very first time that she is waking up beside the blonde. Her heart races when she thinks about it.

Clarke only giggles lightly, her hand moving up to tuck a few strands of wild curls away from Lexa’s face.

“You are _beautifuller_.” Clarke grins, her gaze locked to Lexa’s eyes.

They lie for a moment, Lexa’s hand moving to the blonde’s bare hip to pull her closer against herself.

Her nose bumps Clarke’s and she just can’t stop smiling.

“I never stopped being in love with you.” The blonde suddenly confesses, her hand still toying with Lexa’s wild curls.

“What?” Lexa isn’t sure if she heard it well.

“I never stopped loving you, Lexa.” Her blue orbs bare and honest, Lexa just holds her close. “Everything that you did… you did it because you thought you were doing the right thing and I admire you for that, I really do.”

“Perhaps you shouldn’t.”

“I should. The only question I have now, is… where do we go from here? Are you going to leave me again?”

“What? No!” Lexa presses a gentle kiss on the lips she is so fucking addicted to. “I am not. I made a choice yesterday, Clarke. I choose you. I will be yours for as long as you want me.”

The blonde only pulls her in for a kiss, perhaps more roughly than intended, but the teacher doesn’t care.

She kisses her with all that she has. It is like she is trying to let Clarke know that she will be there, that she is not leaving again, pouring all her emotions into the passionate kiss.

Their tongues fight, their teeth clash, both women filled with a certain hunger. They haven’t been able _to be_ for the past six months and they can both feel it.

Clarke’s hand makes its way into Lexa’s curls, her fingers massaging the brunette’s scalp.

When Lexa moans into the kiss softly, the blonde pulls back.

Her blue eyes flicker between Lexa’s green, once she opens them. Their faces are close, their noses bumping together.

Their breaths mingled, Lexa can’t help but smile. This moment is so fucking peaceful, having Clarke in her arms is all she will ever need.

“I want to be with you.” The blonde quietly admits, a similar smile tugging on the corner of her lips as she toys with the dark curls. “But there was a good reason when you decided we couldn’t be.”

“University.” Lexa nods lightly, her hand on the blonde’s side. She pulls her only closer, throwing her right leg over the blonde’s.

She bumps her nose with Clarke’s intentionally, pressing a soft kiss on her lips. God, how much she loves those lips.

Her hand moves to cup the blonde’s soft cheek, her thumb caressing her cheekbone.

“I suppose we should make some rules.” The brunette then breathes, still smiling.

“For when classes start again.” Clarke smiles.

“Yeah.” Lexa can’t stop herself when she leans in. They have the rest of the summer to talk about those ‘rules’. Right now, she has to make up for the lost time.

She flips the blonde on her back unexpectedly, earning her the cutest squeal and Clarke holding on to her for dear life.

Lexa lets out a small laugh, settling above her. She leans in, pressing a few chaste kisses on her lips.

“So,” She starts, her lips connected to Clarke’s jawline, making their way down to her throat, her clavicle, but she pulls back, hovering over her, her green eyes staring down into blue.

The blonde’s hands are folded behind Lexa’s neck. She looks so fucking beautiful, that Lexa’s heart is about to burst.

“Can you forgive me for leaving you repeatedly?” Lexa’s voice almost cracks as she looks into those blue orbs.

The only thing she can find, those twirling emotions behind her blue eyes, is love.

“Stop doing that.” Clarke murmurs, pulling her down for a small kiss. But she breathes against Lexa’s lips, her eyes closed. “Stop thinking you did the wrong thing. We needed the time.”

“But it _feels_ wrong, Clarke.” Lexa leans her forehead against Clarke’s, loving the intimacy of this moment.

“I _do not_ blame you.” The blonde says, her voice a little sterner than before. “Stop torturing yourself about this.”

Lexa sighs. She can’t help but feel guilty about everything. She rolls off Clarke, lying down on her stomach, her head turned towards Clarke. Her hands are tucked underneath her, against her chest.

The blonde’s eyes look a little concerned, but she lies on her side, facing Lexa.

Her hand reaching out to tuck another strand of wild hair behind the brunette’s ear. “You are so fucking beautiful.” She breathes.

Lexa doesn’t respond. She closes her eyes, trying to enjoy the company of the blonde. But she can’t help but feel guilty for everything.

“I feel like I just walk into your life whenever _I_ feel like it.” She admits quietly, refusing to open her eyes.

“Stop. Stop doing that.” Clarke only says, the brunette still keeping her eyes closed. “You did the right thing for yourself. You needed that.”

“But I broke your heart. Multiple times.”

“I thought we were past this now.” The blonde whispers softly, tucking her fist underneath her chin as she watches the other woman.

Lexa finally opens her eyes again, searching for Clarke’s.

“I can’t just forget about that, how much I have _hurt_ you.”

“Don’t you see? You hurt yourself far more, especially if you keep thinking this. Why won’t you believe me when I say that I don’t blame you? Lexa, I would have waited for you forever if I had to.”

That has Lexa cracking up a little. She turns to lie on her side, pressing Clarke against her again, the blonde’s face in her neck.

“God, I _love_ you.” Lexa breathes, feeling her skin tingle at every point where Clarke is touching her.

The blonde only responds by pressing a kiss in the valley of Lexa’s breasts, gently pushing her to lie on her back.

This time, it is Clarke that climbs on top, staring down into bright green eyes.

“I love _you_.” She confesses, leaning down. Clarke crashes her lips against Lexa’s desperately, as if she is suddenly realising how much she needs the brunette.

Lexa is there to catch her as they kiss deeply, moaning into the other. Her body does many things when she feels Clarke’s dominance, how the blonde starts grinding into her gently.

Their kisses intensify quickly, but they both startle when they hear Lexa’s doorbell ring.

“Oh my god.” Lexa breathes. “What time is it?!”

“Just a little after ten.” Clarke seems uncomfortable, but grins amusedly as she is quick to roll off Lexa.

“Oh, fuck.” Lexa races when she puts on a robe. “Can you hide here? I have no idea who it is.”

Clarke only laughs when she tries to put on some clothing, searching for a place to hide in Lexa’s bedroom.

The brunette hops into her living room, grabbing the crutches she threw there the night before.

She hears the doorbell ring again, impatiently. That will either be Raven or Anya, Lexa figures.

When she opens her door, it is indeed her cousin and her boyfriend standing in her doorway.

Both Anya and Lincoln look at Lexa in confusion, their eyes roaming down her body shortly.

“What?” she asks them, walking back lightly to let them in.

“You don’t sleep in much.” Anya just says, her eyes narrowed suspiciously as she walks past her cousin, into the apartment.

“Sometimes I do.” The brunette replies. It is not even a lie. She tries to compose herself, tightening her robe around her body as Lincoln steps into the apartment as well.

“You look… wild.” He chuckles, also not really believing her.

“Why do I smell…” Anya starts, but then her eyes widen. “...sex?”

Lexa accidentally throws her door closed harder than initially intended, shocked by Anya’s bluntness.

Lincoln only lets out a snort, hovering in Lexa’s kitchen where Anya is already grabbing a glass of water for herself, but she keeps looking at her cousin for an explanation.

“I did not have sex.” The brunette offers weakly as she stumbles to her kitchen as well.

“You were never able to lie.” Lincoln grins, his eyes sparkling in a teasing way.

“Was it Clarke?” Anya asks, and Lexa’s eyes only grow.

“Shut up.” She hisses. She hasn’t told Lincoln about this, yet.

“Oh come on, he knows already.” Lexa’s cousin rolls her eyes, making Lincoln shake his head in innocence. “Lexa, we are a couple, I just couldn’t keep it to myself, okay?”

“You biatch.” Lexa grits her teeth lightly, but shakes her head in amusement when she watches Anya and Lincoln bicker. “Linc, I was going to tell you.”

“Oh, I am sure you were.” He smiles, throwing an arm around Anya’s shoulders.

“The only question I have…” Anya starts, narrowing her eyes again. “Is Clarke still here?”

“What?!” Lexa yells a little too loud, already raising suspicion again. “No!”

“She so is.” Anya only laughs.

“Why don’t you mind your own business?” Lexa snaps, but growls when Anya and Lincoln only laugh louder. “You haven’t even told me why you are here.”

“Well, it was your birthday yesterday and we were just checking up on you.” Lincoln’s face falls serious again. “But I guess that maybe another time is better.”

“No, no, it’s fine.” Lexa raises her hands, leaning against her kitchen counter.

Anya is still looking smug as ever and Lexa throws her an intimidating glare, making her cousin widen her eyes lightly.

“Right.” Anya scrapes her throat. “I know you hate your birthday, but after everything... Also, why doesn’t Clarke just join us?”

“Ahn!” Lexa hisses once again, but before she knows it, the blonde is already in the room, a flushed look on her face.

The brunette instantly forgets everything as she watches Clarke in the same clothing as the day before, a little flustered and seemingly at a loss for words.

“Clarke.” Lexa just smiles as soon as she notices the girl. “Uh, meet Anya and Lincoln.”

“I have met them before.” Clarke just smiles. “I am sorry, I just… I heard you talking and I felt bad for eavesdropping.”

Anya only cackles out another laugh, while Lincoln smiles at the blonde.

“Shut up.” Lexa throws another intimidating glare at her cousin, making the older woman raise her hands in innocence.

“It’s okay, Clarke.” Anya then smiles. “Good to see you again.”

“Likewise.” Clarke smiles, seeming a little less uncomfortable as she makes her way over to the kitchen.

An awkward silence falls between them all.

“So, when did this happen?” Lincoln looks between the teacher and the student curiously.

“Last night, obviously.” Anya grins, but this time it is Lincoln that sends her a glare, making her shut up again.

“Are you… together now or..?” the man still seems a bit hesitant about it all, but Lexa just smiles.

“I guess?” she looks at Clarke with questioning eyes.

“Yeah, we are.” The blonde seems more confident now, her back straightening.

“About time.” Anya rolls her eyes, but Lincoln presses his elbow between her ribs.

He smiles while Anya coughs. “I am happy for you.”

“Thanks.” Lexa smiles, grabbing her crutches. “But uh… You kind of showed up unexpected and I would love nothing more than to catch up, but I am in desperate need of a shower.”

“Damn right you are.” Anya can’t help herself when she laughs loudly again.

“Ahn, do I really have to remind you of that time I caught you and Linc-”

“We will just go, Lex, no problem at all!” Lexa’s cousin already drags her boyfriend to the door, before Lexa can even speak.

“I will call you.” Lincoln just laughs as Anya pulls him out of the apartment, leaving a flabbergasted Lexa and Clarke in the kitchen.

The blonde is the first to start chuckling, walking over to the teacher, who is still leaning against the kitchen counter.

“What the fuck just happened?” the blonde asks, pressing herself against the older woman. Lexa doesn't reply, simply focusing on the student in front of her.

The blonde is smooth when she grins, tucking open Lexa’s robe, her hands roaming over the brunette’s bare torso. Her voice lower than usual, her eyes darkening, she speaks. "I guess... since we are _sort of_ together now... I can just... touch you whenever I want?"

Lexa only grins back, already leaning in to capture the blonde’s lips with her own in an intense kiss, hungrily gasping for air in between.

She takes Clarke’s bottom lip between her teeth, earning her a bigger moan than she expected, not being able to hold back when she tucks Clarke against her.

They meet in a desperate kiss, mouths open and lips pressed hard against the other’s.

Clarke digs her fingers into Lexa’s neck as she tries to pull Lexa closer to her, opening her mouth to thrust her tongue into Lexa’s mouth with an intensity that has the brunette trembling in her arms.

Lexa meets Clarke’s tongue with her own while she cups Clarke’s face.

After a brief moment of heavy kisses with Clarke, however, Lexa’s gentle grip on the blonde’s face turns firmer, trying to get as close to her as she can, her body aching for more touches.

Mouths open in harsh, panting breaths and tongues fight, seeking dominance over the other.

Clarke moves her hands from around Lexa’s neck to her shoulders and starts pushing Lexa further backwards, forcing her to sit on the counter.

The teacher shivers when Clarke’s fingers trace the edge of her breast, and the next thing Clarke knows, Lexa’s hands pull her even closer against her roughly.

They don’t break the kiss, both fighting for control and neither willing to back down.

Clarke lets her hands roam over the brunette’s thighs.

The two part for a moment, gasping for breath and staring into each other’s eyes, until they both come together once again in a passionate kiss.

Lexa’s hands tangle in the back of Clarke’s curly hair as she tucks on the blonde’s shirt, wanting it off.

The blonde gasps her pleasure into Lexa’s mouth as the teacher’s hands reach under Clarke’s bra to grasp her breasts, thumbs swiping over her nipples gently.

Needing more contact, Lexa kisses Clarke hard and when she’s breathless, pushes the student back a few feet.

She hops off the counter and gives Clarke a lust filled grin as drops her robe to the floor, entirely exposed.

She would have thought that she would feel uncomfortable with Clarke seeing her as she is now – her body so damaged.

But Clarke’s eyes go wide in hunger and lust, and Lexa moves a little forward to give her a hot, open-mouthed kiss, which she breaks to move on to the blonde’s neck, sucking and biting in a spot that makes Clarke groan, probably leaving a mark.

But then, Clarke lifts her unexpectedly, making Lexa’s eyes widen in surprise. The blonde carries her, Lexa’s legs wrapped around her waist as she leans down to kiss Clarke again, unable to ever pull back completely.

The blonde doesn’t bother moving to Lexa’s bedroom, walking to Lexa’s dining table, only to set the brunette into the table.

Clarke is fast when she takes off her own clothes, leaving her only in her underwear.

Lexa props herself up on one elbow and crooks her finger at the blonde, giving her a cocky smirk as Clarke quickly crawls onto the table after her.

She grabs the back of the student’s neck with her free hand and lets herself fall back, pulling Clarke on top of her.

Neither women hold back in the kiss, tongue and teeth and lips clashing as Lexa fists her hand in Clarke’s light hair and trails her other hand around to unclasp the blonde’s bra as Lexa wraps her good leg around the blonde’s waist.

The brunette is smooth when she slides Clarke’s bra off, but the blonde is fast to lean back down, pinning Lexa’s hands above her head.

The blonde’s dominance does many, many things to Lexa and the brunette is pretty sure she hasn’t stopped moaning ever since Clarke threw her on the table.

Lexa breathes heavily, her pupils blown as she watches the blonde on top of her, holding Lexa’s hands above her head with her right hand, her left hand moving down between their bodies.

Lexa’s body aches for the touch, writhing beneath the other woman. Before she can comprehend what is happening, fingers plunge inside of her and she arches her back from the table with a shameless moan, her eyes wide at the sudden pleasure building between her legs.

The fire shoots through her veins when she feels Clarke moving on top of her, her fingers buried inside of Lexa.

But Clarke’s lips are on Lexa’s hungrily and the brunette wonders how she was able to let this go, how she was able to let _Clarke_ go.

She answers those kisses just as hungrily as the blonde, groaning into it as she escapes her hands from Clarke’s grip, only to press the blonde closer against herself.

She needs to feel her. She needs to be able to touch her everywhere, she wants to explore her body, even though Clarke is the one taking the lead.

But Lexa bucks her hips into the blonde, needing more friction, feeling the pleasure build between her legs already. She doesn’t even care that her back is hurting from the hard table – the only thing she cares about is the blonde inside of her.

“Fuck.” She mutters, one of her hands moving to Clarke’s neck to pull the hot blonde in for another heated kiss. The blonde just drives her insane.

She can feel her stomach clutch, her muscles tensing up when her orgasm already builds. The blonde pumps into her, curling her fingers in just the right places that has Lexa yell her name over and over again.

Clarke only leans in further, her lips attached to the brunette’s ear. “Come for me.”

That has Lexa fall over the edge, shuddering, pleasure exploding in her core as she squeezes her eyes shut, her fingernails digging into the blonde’s skin harshly. She lets out a deep moan, her eyes rolling back into her head as she rides it out on Clarke’s fingers.

She is so fucking wet. Her dining table must be ruined by now.

She breathes heavily, her arms around the blonde’s shoulder to keep her as close as possible.

“That was hot.” Clarke only grins, pressing soft kisses on Lexa’s cheek.

“I did not see that coming.” Lexa laughs, once she has recovered the slightest from her intense orgasm.

She still spasms when Clarke pulls out of her, caressing her inner thighs with such softness that the brunette can only melt.

The blonde hovers above her, blue eyes looking into green,

Lexa smiles, imprinting the image of this moment. She can feel Clarke’s bare body against her own, she sees the love-filled blue orbs and just… Clarke is so fucking perfect.

Her smile makes Lexa’s heart flutter over and over again, the way she speaks, the sound of her voice, her touches, everything.

She is everything.

“I never…” Lexa breathes, her eyes looking seriously into blue. “I never thought that… I could _love_.”

“What do you mean?” the blonde’s hand wipes away a few hairs out of Lexa’s face, her lips pressing soft kisses on her cheek.

“I never loved anyone, Clarke.” Lexa shakes her head, almost embarrassed. “I thought I wasn’t able to love, but whatever that this is, between us? I think that this is what love is supposed to feel like.”

Clarke smiles, her teeth white, her nose scrunching up in the cutest way possible, her bright blue eyes sparkling.

“You really are an idiot.” She teases, her husky voice low. She pulls back from the table, pulling Lexa up with her.

As Clarke stands in front of the table, and Lexa sits up, the blonde between her legs, it seems like the most normal thing in the world – both of them bare (on Lexa's dining table on top of that), completely themselves, finally able to be.

Lexa takes Clarke’s face between her hands, kissing her deeply, with a certainty she hasn’t used before, but she is. Certain.

She has never been so sure of anything in her life.

She just can’t stop looking at Clarke. The blonde holds her close, carrying her from the table, only to move the two of them to Lexa’s bedroom, more than ready to continue what they have started.

\\\

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you know that i wanted to call this story ; 'easier to be', but didnt want to steal it from my favourite writer @solinasolina


	17. return

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa returns to Polis Uni and there are several fluffy moments + the smut i promised xD
> 
> Besides that, Abby announces something Clarke isn't too happy with..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me more than a week to update!!! I am sorry it took me so long.
> 
> This chapter is longer than expected, but i am sure you guys won't mind xD  
> My personal favourite part is the last scene.
> 
> Added some new songs to my playlist, may set the mood for this chapter! feel free to check it out [here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3aDiDhD5pHVgMQHO13gAuh?si=nqbY4GaVTXaOMXYkmR30Nw)
> 
> Enjoy!!!

\\\

It is certainly strange to get back to work, but Lexa finds herself in her newly bought car -an automatic since she can’t handle manual with her leg- driving towards campus on the first day of the new school year.

She is nervous. She hasn’t been driving much herself since the accident months ago and she hasn’t been on campus ever since she spoke to Gustus, but here she is, exactly one year after starting her job.

One year after starting something new and how much she has changed is absolutely fucking ridiculous.

She is driving so carefully that she is pretty sure she might be late, but she just knew that she couldn’t take the bus or cabs.

So, she asked Shaw if driving would be okay and he said that she was simply lucky to have her right leg still intact – able to drive an automatic car.

She bought one of the safest cars she could think of – a Mercedes. She has read online that Mercedes-Benz has really safe cars and she just can’t help but be nervous when she drives through the city.

It is better than being the passenger for sure, but Lexa can’t help but check every surrounding, every movement around her.

Her therapist told her that it might take a while before she calms down with this, but she doesn’t mind. It only makes her more alert, more aware of everything that is happening.

She has no idea what to expect of work. She is not sure if all the students know that she is returning this year, but at least Clarke knows.

At the thought of the blonde, Lexa instantly smiles. This summer has been everything that they both needed.

They had time to get to know each other – really get to know each other.

Clarke spent most nights (definitely every night) at Lexa’s apartment, talking or having sex until deep into the night and Lexa loved every fucking minute of it.

She loves Clarke, she knows. She loves how she gets to know Clarke a little more every day, how she had been so right about choosing _her_.

She doesn’t even care about the age difference anymore. She doesn’t care that Clarke is her student.

She has never been happier.

Okay, so perhaps that is a lie. She is still struggling with her accident, with the way her brain works against her right now.

She still hates how she lost her leg, how she is reminded of every trauma in her life almost daily.

But she doesn’t give up. She has Clarke and she knows that that is enough.

And she loves her, so fucking much. It is so familiar, yet it is completely new.

But the blonde makes her happy.

It is the little things, really – when she would catch Clarke stealing something from her fridge. She found out that the blonde really, really loves food. The blonde doesn’t like to work out, something that has Lexa wondering.

How the student hasn’t gained any weight is a true mystery to Lexa.

Besides that, Clarke is messy. She leaves everything behind, just dropping her clothes to the floor randomly, leaving her plate on Lexa’s -thoroughly cleaned- dining table after she finishes food.

Lexa knows it is because Clarke is simply chaotic in her mind – she could be rambling about something one minute and the other would be about something completely different.

But Lexa loves it. It is refreshing, endearing. She knows that Clarke tries to be clean – since Lexa is way more organized, but she still manages to make Lexa’s apartment a little messy.

But it makes it more homey. Truly domestic, even.

And the nights they just spent lounging on the couch, cuddling up. Lexa would settle against the back of the couch, having Clarke between her legs as they would talk, or simply just… be.

They went into town, but not too much because Lexa was simply too afraid to bump into someone from Polis Uni. Clarke had understood.

They have set rules for their relationship. Lexa had definitely insisted on that, simply because a teacher and a student together isn’t supposed to be a thing.

For starters, they have decided that on campus, they can’t be more than what they are supposed to be.

They have agreed that they will always go to the University separately, and that they will not speak to each other in a way that isn’t professional.

Clarke has gotten a room on campus, living in the dorms with Octavia. Lexa told her that she should be able to enjoy her time there – going to parties and do whatever she wants.

The teacher knows that she isn’t able to ever visit Clarke there and a part of her feels sad about that. She simply is interested in everything that is involved in her girlfriends’ life, but there are rules.

Octavia is Clarke’s roommate, and even though the dark-haired girl knows everything, Lexa still doesn’t feel too comfortable.

Just like Anya, Echo, Lincoln and Abby all know.

Clarke has made up with Abby as well. Not completely, but enough to start building their relationship again.

The blonde just wasn’t able to stay away from her mother and Lexa drove her to her childhood home, watching Clarke fall into her mother’s arms.

Lexa had left quietly, to give them space. It took Clarke at least a good four hours before she returned to the brunette’s apartment, smiling so widely that Lexa knew things were going to be okay again, despite the fact it will take time before they are able to completely forgive.

And Abby loves Lexa, according to Clarke. Lexa isn’t so sure, but the blonde kept telling her how her mother speaks highly of her.

Just like their friends.

For some strange reason, they are all okay with Lexa and Clarke’s relationship. Lexa can only smile when she thinks back of the blonde’s birthday at the end of August, only a few days ago.

Clarke’s birthday had been strange. Abby had invited Lexa over to talk the options, wanting to throw a party for the blonde, but Lexa had been uncomfortable with that.

She didn’t want anybody else to know, so Abby suggested to do two different parties.

Lexa had agreed on that. She had no idea that Abby was going to invite Lincoln, Anya and Echo, as well as Raven, Octavia and Bellamy and even Raven popped up.

But it had been an amazing night.

They had been sitting outside, in Abby’s backyard, while they watched the sun set behind the city.

There were no secrets there and all night, Clarke and Lexa were able to _be_ , just comfortably, sitting beside each other on the bench, leaning against each other, exchanging subtle kisses.

And Lexa had loved every moment of it.

Clarke and Raven hit it off instantly, because they had met a few times before and Octavia and Bellamy obviously already knew the Latina well. But there was just a spark between Raven and Octavia that still goes through Lexa’s mind sometimes, something she had discussed with Clarke.

And Clarke had definitely seen the chemistry as well.

Lexa has discovered that Clarke gets along with Anya surprisingly well – the two joke around every chance they get, plotting against Lexa, but the brunette doesn’t mind. She enjoys watching Clarke having fun too much to really say something.

And Echo is still dating Niylah, but it makes things complicated. Lexa wants nothing more than to be able to be honest towards her colleagues, to Niylah, Ryder and Nyko, but she is not sure if that would be the right thing to do, if that would do any good at all.

She trusts them, absolutely, but she never wants to put them in a situation where they would have to lie to their boss.

Echo tried to convince her that it might be easier if they knew, but she doesn’t want to bother them with it. Maybe someday. Thankfully, Echo respects that.

The only thing she is worrying about now is how things will be once she sees Clarke in her classes.

How strange that will be, to see her girlfriend, the person she cares about so much, the person she just wants to hold every chance she gets.

She drives onto campus carefully, automatically parking her car in the spot she has been doing last year.

Dressed in simple slacks and a dark button up with her sleeves rolled up, she grabs the bag out of the back of her car, locking it as she walks on her artificial limb, way more confidently than a month ago.

If people would not know about her leg, they would not see it, either.

She has been training hard over summer with Raven, wanting to be able to walk without limping. Without being unstable or foreign about it all.

And here she is, her bag in hand, walking over campus – almost the same way she did a year ago.

Only now, her heart is more at peace. She knows what she _wants_ in life. She feels the happiness wash over her as she sees many students on campus, as she glances to her left where she sees the dorms, knowing full well which one is Clarke’s.

She makes her way inside, not having much time so she goes to her lecture room instantly.

There are not many students in the hallway, and she unknowingly unlocks the door to her room.

She opens the door, wanting to walk in, when she is surprised by a lot of people yelling something at her.

“WELCOME BACK, LEXA!”

Flabbergasted, the brunette looks at all the freshmen students in her room, holding a big banner with her name on it.

Not only her favourite students are here, but also Niylah, Ryder, Nyko and Gaia are to be found among the students.

Lexa can’t move. She stops in her tracks, dropping her bag.

She looks around to see her freshmen students – who are not so fresh now anymore, starting their second year. But all the students she went to Chicago with are to be found in her lecture room, all smiling widely as they watch every move she makes.

“Guys.” She stutters, looking at them emotionally. She spots Clarke between them as well – the blonde has a proud smile on her face, her arm wrapped around Octavia’s shoulder tightly.

“My god.” Lexa slowly makes her way over to her students. “I have missed you all.” She grins, trying to push away the tears that want to escape her eyes.

Nyko is the first to approach her, hugging her tightly. “We have missed you so much, Lexa.”

With that, other people follow, surrounding the brunette as she tries to give every single person attention.

“Thank you so much.” She breathes with the biggest smile on her face.

She has missed this so fucking much.

She has missed being here, teaching the thing she loves the most, making sure that every student is fine.

As the students each talk to her shortly, Lexa can’t stop her emotions. She smiles, but a tear still escapes her eyes as she watches them all.

Even Murphy seems moved by the whole thing.

“We have a gift for you.” Niylah then speaks, a big smile on her face.

“Oh?” Lexa raises her eyebrows in surprise, watching her colleague move behind the students.

Niylah and Ryder then grab something big, but flat. Lexa suspects it is a large painting or photo frame.

They hand it to the teacher, and she wraps it out of the paper, watching it silently for a moment.

It is the picture that is made in Chicago – the one where Clarke is standing right behind Lexa, the one that Nyko took.

Lexa can only smile. She watches it closely, seeing every student on it, smiling as they stand in the snow.

“Thank you so much, guys.” She bites her lips, moving the picture to lean against her desk carefully. “You have no idea how good it is to be back here.”

“We would love to catch up a little more, but unfortunately, classes start in five minutes.” Ryder smiles.

The students all mumble something, smiling to Lexa as they make small talk before leaving Lexa’s lecture room. Nyko is the last one to remain.

“You have no idea how good it is to see you standing here, Lexa.” He smiles, looking like a proud father.

“Yeah.” Lexa takes another look at the picture that they gave her. She absolutely loves it.

She looks so happy there, she remembers having fun there. She remembers how innocent things were back then with Clarke, even though things changed quickly after that.

But the blonde laughs in the picture, her eyes on Lexa and the brunette is simply grateful that it doesn’t seem _off_.

“How are you and Clarke?” Nyko asks, making the other teacher stir lightly.

“Uh, we are good.” Lexa smiles, moving to set the picture against the wall. She tries to avoid making eye contact with the man, since she knows she can’t lie to people she is closer than normal with.

“You are?” Nyko continues innocently, but genuine.

“Hm-hmmm, yup.” The brunette moves around her desk, putting her laptop on it, sitting down to go over the days schedule.

“Are you together?”

“How the fuck do you keep figuring things out?” Lexa chokes out, finally glancing up at him, but his smile is rather amused than anything else.

“You two are not hard to read once you know the history between the two of you. Don’t worry, I won’t say anything.” Grinning, he looks like he is about to say more, but junior students start to roll into Lexa’s room, all seeming surprised by watching her sit at her desk.

Nyko wiggles his eyebrows for a moment, but Lexa sends him her intimidating glare, making him choke back a laugh when he escapes the room.

The brunette shakes her head in amusement, focusing on the students in her room.

Most students are happy to see her and she shortly explains what has happened, before getting back to teaching.

She is easy on them, since it is their first class of the year, but she can’t help but smile the entire time, feeling so fucking content and happy being back.

During lunch, she makes her way to the teachers lecture hall. Of course, she spots Clarke in the hallways.

But it is so fucking busy that they don’t walk past each other closely, but close enough to look at the other for a moment.

Lexa smiles subtly, being the first to break eye contact, looking down at her feet with a shy smile on her face.

It feels strange, that after everything that has happened, that she is back here, and she is with Clarke.

And the blonde looks so fucking beautiful that the teacher has trouble acting normal, but she guesses that that is something she will have to get used to.

Something she is more than willing to get used to.

\\\

The week goes by slowly and Lexa really has to get used to the fact that she is barely able to see Clarke during the weekdays.

Only during classes, or glances in the hallways. It is enough for Lexa, but she sure has to get used to being alone in her apartment again. They have agreed that Clarke can spend most weekends at Lexa's place, getting out of the dorms if she wants to.

And she is not sure how to feel about that. She notices how her mind is easily distracted when she isn’t working and when the blonde isn’t around. How her mind subconsciously gives Lexa stress.

She knows that it is because she still has work to do – work on her mental state.

She pours herself a glass of wine, sitting at the little bar in her kitchen, top 40 playing on the radio.

She still wears her outfit from work today – navy slacks and a white blouse. She somehow doesn’t really have the energy to change, not yet.

She sips of her glass, staring into nothing, when there is a knock on her door.

She smoothly slides off her seat, making her way to her front door.

When she opens it, something knocks the air out of her lungs. Clarke is standing in front of her, wearing tight - _very_ tight- jeans and a simple low cut shirt, revealing her cleavage in a way that has Lexa drooling.

It feels as if she hasn’t seen the student in years.

Her blonde hair is loosely thrown over one shoulder and for some reason, Clarke’s eyes darken the moment they see Lexa.

“Clarke.” Lexa clicks the ‘k’, watching the blonde lick her lips softly. The brunette moves back to let the student in, closing the door behind her.

She doesn’t notice Clarke until the blonde pins Lexa against her own door, pressing their bodies flush.

A rush of heat shoots through Lexa’s body as she sees blue orbs flicking between her own eyes and her lips.

 _God_ , the pull Clarke has over her is fucking ridiculous.

Clarke bites her bottom lip, so fucking close, Lexa loses her mind. She still can’t believe that she is _allowed_ to touch her.

But she does. Touch her. She pulls the blonde as close as possible, feeling her back against the door. Clarke’s leg slips between her own as gentle hands cup her cheeks.

“I forgot how hot you can be when you teach, Lexa.” Clarke’s voice is dangerously low, making Lexa’s heart speed up.

The teacher leans in hungrily, her eyes darkened as they close, capturing Clarke’s lips with her own.

The blonde lets out a gasp when Lexa sinks her teeth in Clarke’s bottom lip gently, sucking lightly before changing angles, meeting the student’s lips in another open-mouthed kiss.

The brunette’s moans disappear onto Clarke’s tongue, and she grinds into the blonde’s leg, feeling desire running through her veins as her hands thread in blonde hair.

Clarke’s moans are low and deep, triggering even more in Lexa as she deepens the kiss, her tongue fighting with Clarke’s. She can feel her body against her own, needing it so fucking close, but clothing is in the way.

Instead of staying pinned against the door, Lexa uses her strength to push Clarke towards her couch, not once breaking their kisses.

The way Clarke gasps into her mouth sends shivers down the brunette’s spine. She tugs on the student’s shirt, needing it off.

She removes the shirt, removes the blonde’s bra and pushes her onto the couch, only to straddle her hips, grinding into her as she kisses her deeply.

The blonde moans into her instantly, her hands cupping Lexa’s ass to support her in her grinding.

“I have missed you.” Lexa grins, before sucking on the blonde’s bottom lip once again, before moving her lips to nip at the soft skin of her girlfriend’s jawline, her neck. The exposed skin too much to ignore.

She needs more friction. As if Clarke reads her mind, the blonde tucks on Lexa’s slacks, removing the belt, opening the button, the zipper.

A smooth hand slips in her trousers and Lexa throws her head back the moment Clarke’s palm presses against her core.

She rolls her hips with more desperation, leaning back down, her hands grabbing Clarke’s face to kiss her roughly, deeply.

Tongues colliding, moans escaping their throats.

Two fingers slip into Lexa and she groans, her grinding intensifying.

“I have missed you, too.” The blonde pants, her eyes black, biting her bottom lip as she watches her girlfriend riding her fingers.

“Can you add a finger?” the brunette breathes, her forehead against Clarke’s, her hands steadying herself on the blonde’s shoulders.

Clarke’s lips move down, kissing down her neck, her clavicle, the swell of her breasts.

Lexa can feel a third finger slide into her and she moans deeply, her eyes rolling back in her head as she can feel the pleasure building, her walls already clenching around the blonde’s skilled fingers.

She bites her lips to hold back porno-like moans, opening her eyes to watch her girlfriends eyes on her own face, her tongue wetting her lips.

She grinds harder, feeling Clarke’s fingers curl, hitting that spot.

“Oh.” She breathes, an explosion of pleasure between her legs as she moans, collapsing down on the blonde.

And Clarke catches her, letting her ride out her high as she trembles.

“Well, fuck.” The blonde smiles, pressing a few kisses on Lexa’s temple. “That was hot.”

“I haven’t seen you in a _week_ , Clarke.” The brunette whines, earning her a small chuckle.

“More like _five days_ , babe.”

Lexa only shuts her up with another passionate kiss.

\\\

“How about that one?” Lexa points to a ring – a big ring with a large emerald in it.

“Eww.” Lincoln seems disgusted, but Lexa is actually quite sure that Anya would love a golden engagement ring, especially with a green stone.

“She loves green, Linc,” the brunette grins, amused by her best friend. She stands beside him, watching him lean over the ring, watching it carefully.

They have been looking for a ring for a few hours now and Lexa is tired, but she is still enjoying herself. Lincoln has never been bad company.

But her leg is hurting by now, even though she would never admit that to Lincoln. Her skin is irritated and she can’t wait to take off her prosthesis. It has been killing her for more than an hour now and she is pretty sure that it is going to leave blisters.

Which is bad news – she will have to wait for her skin to recover before she will be able to wear the artificial limb again.

But she doesn’t care right now. This is about Lincoln and Anya.

“You have a good point there. But isn’t this too much? Like, too big?” he looks at Lexa with a serious look in his kind, brown eyes.

“Have you met Anya?” the brunette rolls her eyes. “She loves these kind of things. It’s within your budget.”

“It is.” Lincoln narrows his eyes when he turns his attention back to it, leaning further down, until his nose almost touches it.

“You can just take it out, you know.” Lexa teases, watching him study the ring. If there is one thing that she and Lincoln have in common – it is that they are both perfectionists sometimes.

And Lexa knows that it will take him a lot of convincing to finally buy the ring, but she really is sure that Anya will love this one.

She always has green in her jewellery or clothing, fitting her hazel eyes and skin tone perfectly.

“Hmm.” The big man mumbles, finally taking the ring out to watch it. The jeweller looks annoyed with how slow Lincoln is, but Lexa just throws the stranger a glare when he purses his lips obviously.

He instantly smiles, but his cheeks redden and Lexa can see how fake it is. She doesn’t understand why he would have this job while he seems so thoroughly annoyed by every customer.

Lincoln is oblivious to it all, turning forty-five degrees with the ring in his hand, towards Lexa.

“Are you sure?” he asks, raising his hands to force Lexa to look at the ring closer.

She studies it. It is not an extreme ring – but not a usual one either. It is big, but subtle enough.

“I think she would love it.” She cracks out the biggest smile ever, already picturing her cousin in shock as Lincoln drops to one knee.

“Then I will take it.” The man smiles, but it falters for a moment. “But if she hates it I will blame you for that!”

Raising her hands in innocence, the brunette can only grin.

She would lie to herself if she hadn’t secretly looked for rings, trying to think what Clarke would like.

But she instantly throws that thought out – burying it as deeply as possible.

Things with Clarke have been… amazing. But they are only together for a few weeks now, still exploring this thing between them.

But when the blonde walks into her apartment, Lexa’s eyes light up. When Clarke is in the room, the smile that appears on her face never fades.

She has been teased about it.

She can’t even bring herself to be annoyed by it. She doesn’t care about their jokes, she only cares how Clarke gets along with her friends really well.

How they spent one night at Lincoln and Anya’s place for a barbecue when school had just started again, just playing games.

And they were able to be.

Clarke was always by Lexa’s side. Not because she was uncomfortable with the people she barely knows, but because she was happy that they could let themselves be happy around others for once.

And Lexa’s arm had always been around Clarke’s shoulder protectively, holding her close despite the warmth of the summer.

She lives for those moments.

Those small moments, where she can squeeze the blonde’s knee, where she can just throw a wink or a smile her way, making her blush instantly.

She loves it.

“Earth to Lexa?” Lincoln snaps his fingers, laughing when Lexa looks lightly flustered.

“Huh?” she huffs, watching Lincoln pick out a box.

“I was asking what box she would like.” Lincoln looks around. He basically has a choice between blue, green, white or black boxes and even with this, he can’t seem to choose.

“It’s a box, Lincoln. A tiny, tiny box, which she is only going to pay attention to when you drop on one knee, but that attention will go away as soon as you open that little box.” The brunette laughs. “It is definitely not about the box.”

“Hmm.” The darker man still seems to have doubts, but he eventually chooses a white box, which the jeweller wraps in a soft, matching white ribbon.

“So have you planned it yet?” Lexa asks curiously as Lincoln pays the ring, putting it in his bag carefully, as if he is carrying a fragile, newborn kitten. The gentleness makes the woman smile.

“No. I have no idea how or when.” He smiles, placing his hand on the small of Lexa’s back, guiding her outside.

She grits her teeth when she walks again, her nub hurting in the socket of her artificial limb.

She puts on a poker face when Lincoln falls into step beside her, into the heat of the city in late September, autumn will probably arrive late this year.

She hates that she can’t wear shorts. She is just simply too uncomfortable with her leg to do that.

“Do you plan on doing it soon?” she asks as they stroll through the city, sliding her sunglasses on top of her nose.

She puts her hair in a ponytail, leaving two strands of curly hair bouncing around her face.

“I guess?” he only smiles, walking to the parking lot to set Lexa on the passenger side of his car. “If you come up with ideas, let me know.”

“I will.” The grin on Lexa’s lips doesn’t fade as Lincoln carefully drives her home.

“Thank you for coming with me today, Lexa.” He taps the steering wheel as he turns into Lexa’s parking garage.

“You’re welcome. And uh, you better hide that thing well. You know how Anya can be.”

A small bark of laughter escapes Lincoln’s mouth as he parks his car, letting the engine run.

“Will do.” He grins, glancing at his best friend.

Lexa smiles, leaning in to press a quick kiss on his cheek. “I’ll be seeing you.”

“See you around, Lexa.” He smiles as Lexa makes her way to the elevators.

She lets out a groan in pain when she stands in the elevator on her own, going up to her floor. She massages her thigh, but it doesn’t help.

She sighs when she remembers that she has physical therapy in two hours. Shaw is going to kill her for pushing things so hard.

She clenches her jaw when she walks to her front door, opening it quickly. She leans her back against the door.

For a moment, she forgets that she is in a relationship.

“Lexa? Are you okay?” the worried voice sounds through Lexa’s apartment and she snaps open her eyes, trying to crack out a smile.

Clarke is already on her way over, a worried look plastered to her features.

“I am fine, Clarke.” The brunette smiles, walking up to the blonde, but she can’t help gritting her teeth when she feels her skin in her socket.

The blonde is near her instantly, her big blue eyes worried as she supports her girlfriend, pushing her onto the couch.

Clarke squats down as Lexa leans her head back. The blonde’s hands work carefully as they slide up the pipe of Lexa’s jeans, but gets stuck somewhere underneath her knee.

“Take off your pants.” The blonde commands and Lexa obliges. She lifts her hips, taking off her jeans, but Clarke takes over quickly.

The softness the blonde uses when she rolls it further down her legs has Lexa smiling lightly.

Clarke then carefully works to take off Lexa’s prosthetic, leaving the brunette groaning in pain once it slides off.

“You really are an idiot sometimes.” The blonde shakes her head when she massages what's left of Lexa’s calf, slowly going up to her thigh.

The brunette looks down, meeting those blue orbs and a small, teasing smile.

Instead of waiting, she pulls Clarke up, into her lap, having the blonde look down on her slightly.

Clarke’s hands waste no time to cup Lexa’s face, pulling her closer for an open-mouthed kiss.

Lexa instantly moans into it – as if she hasn’t seen Clarke just this morning. As if they haven’t slept together the night before.

She can feels Clarke’s tongue stroking her own and it does many, many things to her. She sighs into it, before deepening the kiss, pulling Clarke as close as she can.

She isn’t sure if she will make it to therapy in time.

\\\

“So, my mother’s birthday is coming up and she invited us over for dinner.” Clarke lies on the couch while Lexa moves around in her kitchen, cooking dinner.

The blonde is reading a book about architecture, recommended by Lexa herself.

“She did? When is her birthday?” Lexa turns, leaning against the counter as she watches her girlfriend on the couch, blonde hair displayed around her beautiful face.

She can’t help but smile for a moment.

“Uh.” The blonde smiles. “It’s what, October second now?”

“Third.” Lexa crosses her arms in front of her chest amusedly, waiting for the water to boil so she can put the pasta in it.

“Right. Yeah, her birthday is in four days. She celebrates next Saturday.”

“And you could not have told me sooner?” the brunette’s eyes widen lightly. Not that she has plans yet, but she would prefer to know something like this earlier.

“I have tests coming up, sorry babe.” Clarke only grins, folding the page of her book, lying it closed on the coffee table.

She rises from the couch, moving in her joggers and hoodie (both stolen from Lexa) to the brunette.

She stops in front of her girlfriend, snaking her arms around Lexa’s waist, leaning in for a soft kiss.

“Hmm. You sure have your ways of apologising.”

“You love them.” The blonde grins, pressing another kiss on Lexa’s lips.

The brunette deepens it shortly, stopping when she hears the water boil.

“Who else is coming?”

“Nobody.”

“Just us at Abby’s?” Lexa is surprised when she turns, putting the penne into the boiling water, stirring the sauce.

“Yup. She said she had something she wanted to show us.”

“Alright. So, we have to buy her a gift in like a week? You better have something figured out for that.” Lexa just laughs shortly, feeling those familiar arms snake around her waist from behind, a warm body pressed against her back.

“Hmm. My mother hates gifts.”

“We can’t go there empty-handed, Clarke.” The brunette shakes her head in amusement, her free hand resting on Clarke’s.

She leans back into her girlfriend lightly, inhaling the scent of the pesto sauce.

“You know, I am so glad that you are half Italian. You cook the most amazing food.”

“Well, let me remind you of two things then, Clarke. First, I am only a quarter Italian and second, pasta is the _only_ thing I can cook. If I try something else, it’ll burn.”

“I don’t believe you.” The blonde cackles out a laugh.

“Why do you think I only have pasta in my house, Clarke?” Lexa laughs aloud now, turning again, removing herself from the blonde’s grip to grab plates and cutlery.

“Good point.”

“But you have been avoiding my statement about a gift for your mother.”

“I told you she hates gifts.”

“Did she tell you that?”

“All the time.” The blonde rolls her eyes with a soft smile on her lips as she helps the brunette around the kitchen.

“That could mean that she actually likes them, Clarke. Perhaps she has just been humble about it?”

“I know my mother, Lexa.”

“Okay, okay! How about we just give her some flowers?”

“She hates flowers.”

“I doubt it. I have seen many at her house.” Lexa shakes her head.

“Because she keeps getting it from people.”

“Then what should we give her?” Lexa sighs. She has no clue what to give anymore. She really does not want to show up empty-handed and it is not like they can just bring a bottle of wine after all the history.

“How about we give her a dinner to her favourite restaurant?” Clarke opts. “They have gift cards.”

“Sounds good.” Lexa presses a small kiss on top of her girlfriend’s nose, moving back to stir the sauce.

She can only smile when those arms wrap around her again.

\\\

“Clarke, Lexa, come in!” Abby looks good, smiling widely when she opens the door to her house.

Clarke instantly leans in for a hug, pressing a kiss on her mother’s cheek.

“Happy birthday, mom.” She smiles.

Lexa enjoys seeing the two women around each other like this. Like they are finding their way together again.

“Abby. Happy birthday.” Lexa smiles, leaning in to give her mother-in-law a kiss on the cheek and a small hug.

“Thank you, come on in!” Abby wears a nice dress when she guides her daughter and her girlfriend into the house.

Lexa stops in her tracks when she sees a man sitting on the couch. Clarke does the exact same thing.

They gape at the kind looking man. He has half-long brown hair, a kind smile and dark eyes.

He rises from his spot on the couch, still smiling as he walks over to them.

“Clarke, Lexa, this is Marcus Kane.” Abby smiles lightly, but she looks between them expectantly.

“Uh, hi?” Clarke tries to smile but Lexa can already feel her girlfriend tensing up. She is already afraid of where this will go.

She is afraid of what it means that this man is here.

“Clarke, so good to finally meet you.” Marcus smiles and Lexa cannot hate him. He looks genuine and kind, happy to meet Abby’s daughter.

He takes the blonde’s hand, but she pulls it back as if she had just touched fire.

He does not mention it when he moves to Lexa.

“Lexa.” He only smiles, and the brunette takes his hand politely.

“Good to meet you.” She simply says, neutral but genuine.

“Mom? What is this?” Clarke’s nostrils already flare, and Lexa quickly moves to take the blonde’s hand in her own, giving it a comforting squeeze.

“Marcus and I… I met him a few months ago. He is my… friend.” Abby really seems uncomfortable under Clarke’s intense gaze, but Lexa tries to smile.

“ _Friend_?” the student almost spits out the word, her grip around Lexa’s fingers tightening.

“Clarke, _please_.” Abby almost begs and Lexa feels sorry for her. She feels sorry for them all.

“Just a year and a half and you’ve already replaced _him_.” The blonde’s tone is so cold that even Lexa feels her stomach turning hearing it.

“Perhaps we should leave them to it.” Lexa offers Kane, seeing how he tries to compose himself.

He nods quietly, following Lexa into the yard out back.

“You shouldn’t take it personally.” Lexa smiles subtly as soon as they settle on the bench on Abby’s porch.

“I know I shouldn’t. Abby has told me that Clarke can be… passionate.” Marcus smiles kindly, but his hands are on his knees, rubbing the fabric of his jeans.

“They both have been through a rough time.” The brunette only says, looking beyond at the yard, watching the skyline of the city.

“I know, I know. What do you think, though?”

“About you and Abby?” Lexa looks beside her at the man. He only nods, his brown eyes curious.

“Are you two in a relationship?”

“We are just… trying to date. But at our age I suppose that we might have moved sooner than we would have if we had been younger.”

Lexa takes a moment to think about this. She has nothing to do with this. This is their choice, but she knows how much it bothers Clarke and she knows it is with reason.

“Abby has only been sober for a few months, Marcus. I have the feeling that she hasn’t really processed Jake’s death while she wasn’t sober, so yes, this can come across as fast.” She reasons, trying to sound as compassionate as possible. “Though this is your choice. I can understand Clarke’s point of view on this, but I am definitely not saying that you shouldn’t do this.”

“You seem like a reasonable person.” Marcus only smiles, but Lexa shakes her head.

“Abby is not my mother. I haven’t lived with her after Jake died. I could not possibly know everything that has happened between her and Clarke. I am only neutral because I know that there are two sides of the story, and neither stories are mine.”

Marcus nods. “I hoped she would have taken this better.”

“I am sure that she will warm up to you.” Lexa smiles. Marcus doesn’t seem like the type of person that people don’t like. “She has been through a lot, just remember that. I wouldn’t push her if I were you.”

“I won’t. This is something between her and Abby and I-”

He doesn’t get to finish his sentence, the door to the yard flies open and a worried Abby steps outside.

“Clarke just ran out the door.” She breathes, clearly on the brink of crying.

Lexa is on her feet instantly. “What happened?”

“She wouldn’t hear what I had to say. She wouldn’t listen. I tried to… I tried to tell her that Marcus isn’t Jake’s replacement, I tried, but she… she…” the older woman chokes out.

“Abby.” Marcus’ voice is soft, but demanding. The three adults stand there, Lexa watching Marcus take Abby in his arms.

“I should go get Clarke. I am not sure if we will return tonight, Abby.”

“I understand.” The older woman tries to smile, but Lexa knows better. “I am sorry, Lexa.”

“Don’t be.” The brunette smiles. “Perhaps you have tried this too soon. It is only a few months, Abby.”

“Jake died a year and a half ago.”

“But you only sobered up a few months ago.” Lexa bounces back, watching the older Griffin cringe. “I am not telling you what to do, Abby. I genuinely hope that you will be happy together. But now I have to find Clarke.”

“She took your car.”

Lexa’s eyes widen. 

“You can take mine.” Abby already says, walking inside to hand her the keys.

“Is it an automatic?” the brunette asks worriedly.

The older woman nods. Just when Lexa takes the keys, about to walk outside, Abby stops her.

She opens her mouth in order to speak, but she doesn’t seem to be able to find the words.

Lexa’s eyes soften. “She will be fine, Abby. This will take some time, but she _will_ be fine.”

“Thank you.”

Nodding, Lexa turns, taking Abby’s car.

She is not even angry that Clarke took her car. She knows how the blonde can be when she gets upset.

Lexa goes to the first place that comes up in her mind. October may have started, but it is still gentle outside.

She drives onto the dirt road, leaving a cloud of dust behind her. Her eyes scan the cemetery that comes up, but she can’t see the blonde through the few trees that stand on that side.

She does spot her Mercedes standing there, making her smile sadly.

She parks the car, taking her jacket with her as she slips out, locking it behind her.

She walks onto the cemetery softly, seeing the blonde sit on the grass in front of her father’s grave.

“Usually when people steal my car I call the police, but now I'll let it slide.” The brunette cracks out a terrible joke, trying to get the attention of her girlfriend.

Clarke snaps up her eyes, looking back at Lexa with tears in her eyes, her lips pouting in a way that Lexa knows she is crying at her worst.

Instead of speaking more, Lexa moves closer, dropping herself to the ground clumsily, settling behind the blonde, pulling her between her legs, wrapping her arms around her shoulders.

She can feel Clarke lean into her heavily.

“I-” the blonde coughs through her tears. “I’m sorry I took your car just like that.”

“You don’t have to apologise, Clarke.” Lexa whispers. Clarke leans her head on Lexa's shoulder and the brunette turns her head to press a small kiss on the blonde’s wet cheek.

“I left you with my mother and that… _man_.” She spits out the word with such hate that Lexa _almost_ has to laugh at her girlfriends passion.

Lexa doesn’t speak. She knows it is best to leave Clarke crying, talking to her whenever she wants to.

The gentle wind of the early October night brushes through their hair, Lexa keeps her cheek pressed against Clarke’s gently.

Her arms still around the blonde, she feels how Clarke’s hands are resting on her knees.

The blonde sobs, staring at her father’s grave. The teacher just follows her gaze.

“Did I overreact?” Clarke stutters after a long time of silence. Perhaps an hour has passed, perhaps only a minute, Lexa doesn’t really know.

She doesn’t find it in herself to care.

“Perhaps.” Lexa kisses her cheek again, holding her tightly. “But I know where you are coming from, Clarke. I know what you’re thinking.”

“What am I thinking then?” the blonde challenges her as always.

“You’re angry. You feel like she has only been able to mourn your father ever since she stopped drinking, only a few _months_. You feel like she replaced Jake as quickly as she could, to perhaps fill that void. You think like she doesn’t care about your father anymore.”

With that, Clarke starts sobbing, even worse than before. Lexa knows that she is right and she hates it.

She hates seeing the blonde like this again, after weeks of being… happy.

But she figures that that is life. Ups and downs.

Happiness and pain.

“Am I close?” Lexa whispers, brushing her lips near Clarke’s ear. She closes her eyes, inhaling her girlfriends familiar scent. She smiles against her cheek, holding her closely to silently tell her that she is _here_.

“Of course you are. I really don’t have to tell you anything, do I?” Clarke almost sounds annoyed, making Lexa pull back slightly.

“If you want me to go, I’ll go.” She says, lightly hurt by the distant tone in the blonde’s voice, but she understands.

“No, I don’t want you to go.” The student sighs. “I don’t know what I want.”

“You want your father to be alive.” Lexa smiles.

“Yeah.” Clarke’s voice cracks again. The teacher starts rocking her in her arms, letting the blonde cry out all her pain.

“He is alive in your heart, just remember that. Just because your mother moves on, doesn’t mean that he is now gone for good.”

“Then why does it feel like that?”

“Because your parents are supposed to be together. And when they are not, when your mother is with another man, it feels like her past relationship doesn’t matter anymore. But it does, Clarke. I think your mother will never let Jake out of her heart.”

“How would you know?” the blonde scoffs.

“Because I just saw the look in her eyes before I went after you.”

“How do you read people so well?” Clarke sighs deeply, letting out a few tiny hiccups.

“I like to observe.”

“Do you really think she still loves my father?”

“I think only _she_ can answer that question.” The brunette murmurs. “I think I know how much this hurts you, Clarke, but just… Abby is trying to rebuild her life.” She really tries to think of a neutral way to say this.

“I guess I am being selfish.”

“You’re not, Clarke.” Lexa tightens her grip once again. “You’re not selfish.”

“Then what am I?”

“You're in pain.” Lexa breathes out. Clarke removes herself from Lexa’s grip, standing up to offer her hand to the brunette, pulling her up.

They stand for a moment, chest to chest, green eyes looking into blue.

“Do you want to go back to them?” Lexa places her hands on her girlfriend’s cheeks, loving how Clarke’s hands instantly move to wrap their fingers around the teacher’s wrists to keep her hands in place.

“I don’t think I can. Not tonight.” The blonde says in all honesty.

“Then I will return the car, asking if one of them can take me home.”

“No, I can drive right behind you.” The blonde already fights, but Lexa cuts her off in a kiss.

“Go _home_ , Clarke. You have the keys.”

“You’re calling your home my home now, too?” the blonde seems to forget her troubles for a moment, smiling, her eyes flickering between Lexa’s green ones.

“Hmm, yes. Home is not home without _you_. You know that.” The brunette smiles as well, pulling Clarke in for another kiss.

“You never told me that.” The blonde leans her forehead against Lexa’s, smiling with her eyes closed.

“I am telling you now. I love you, Clarke.” Lexa smiles, moving her hands down, rubbing the student’s upper arms, pulling her close for a hug.

“I love _you_.” Clarke mumbles, pressing her face in Lexa’s neck.

After a few moments in their hug, the brunette pulls back lightly, threading her fingers with Clarke’s. She silently says goodbye to Jake, smiling when she remembers him and his kindness.

How much Clarke looks like him is ridiculous and she is still grateful that she has had the pleasure of meeting him.

“He really liked you, you know.” Clarke speaks, as they walk. Lexa really think she can read her mind sometimes.

“What?”

“I _just_ remembered. A few years ago, he came home from work. He was ranting about this young lady he was working with, a young lady that had so much passion for the job he just loved working with her.” The blonde begins, smiling through her subtle tears. “I just remembered that woman’s name, Lexa. He was talking about _you_. He kept ranting about how talented you were, how funny and smart you were.”

“Oh.” Lexa’s cheeks redden with the compliment.

“I remember.” Clarke smiles widely, stopping them for a moment. She brushes a few strands of hair out of Lexa’s face. “I am so happy you got to meet him.”

“Me too, Clarke. Me too.” Lexa leans in to steal another kiss, never getting tired of those soft lips against her own.

When they pull back, they are both smiling. They continue to walk towards the parking lot.

Clarke settles in Lexa’s Mercedes, handing her a small envelope. “Can you give this to my mother? It’s her gift.”

The brunette takes it with a smile, leaning in the open window of Clarke’s door, the sky already darkening. “What do you want me to tell her?”

“That… I _love_ her, but that I need _time_ to think about this. That I will come to her eventually.” Clarke’s hands rest on the steering wheel, her lips pursing lightly.

Lexa smiles, leaning further into the car to kiss her girlfriend well. Even though the angle is difficult, she deepens the kiss, her tongue teasing at Clarke’s bottom lip.

The blonde’s hand flies to Lexa’s cheek, her thumb caressing the skin just in front of her ear, her other fingers tangling in her loose curls.

Clarke grants her access, softly moaning into it. Lexa smiles into the kiss, loving how the blonde reciprocates easily.

The student pulls back lightly, opening her already darkened eyes. She grins lightly when she keeps Lexa close.

“We haven’t had sex in _your car_ yet.” Her voice lower than usual, Lexa wants nothing more than to give in, but they are at the cemetery.

“We are across the cemetery, Clarke.” Lexa smiles, pecking her girlfriend’s lips, wanting to pull back but the blonde’s hand in her hair stops her.

“You started this.” Her husky voice already does many, many things to Lexa.

The blonde deepens the kiss anyways and Lexa hates how her body responds to her. Heat already rushing to her core, she moans into the kiss, hating how well Clarke can kiss.

It drives her crazy.

“Fine. But only if you drive further up the street.” She mutters against her lips.

"But there is nothing there."

"Exactly." Lexa murmurs, stepping into the passanger seat as Clarke drives away from the cemetery.

As soon as she parks, Lexa commands.

“Backseat.”

Lexa has never seen Clarke exit her car so quickly, only to stumble in the back, pulling Lexa with her.

Let’s just say that the brunette is happy that they seem to be alone here, that the sky is turning darker with the second.

She clumsily lands on top of Clarke, who’s already lying in the back, laughing at their inelegant actions.

Lexa chuckles against her lips, before kissing her deeply, trying to settle somewhere between her legs, but there barely is any space.

Clarke giggles, but her hands already roam over Lexa’s body, teasing the skin underneath her shirt.

“One condition.” Lexa grins, pulling back lightly.

“Hmm?”

“I want to see your boobs.” The brunette laughs at Clarke’s rolling eyes.

“Of course you do.” The blonde already moves to take off her shirt, shifting a little.

Lexa is fast to move her hands underneath her girlfriend’s back, unclasping her bra smoothly.

She licks her lips as the straps slide off Clarke’s shoulders, her eyes darkening, desire already filling her veins.

“Yours, too.”

“That wasn’t a condition, Clarke.” Lexa grins, already leaning down to take a hardened nipple in her mouth, her tongue toying with it. She slowly moves up, nipping and sucking on the blonde’s skin, making her way up to her neck, jawline and eventually her lips.

“Just take it off already.” The blonde rolls her eyes, but sinks her teeth in Lexa’s bottom lip hotly, breathing already heavily.

Lexa grins when she let’s Clarke lift her shirt, pulling it over her head. Her bra is off quickly and she leans down again, pressing their torso’s together.

Their lips parted as they meet, hungry kisses. Hunger for each other, desire and fire running through their veins as they pant.

Clarke’s hands roam over Lexa’s body, dipping in her trousers to squeeze her ass.

“I fucking _love_ you, Lexa.” Clarke breathes, stopping for a moment, looking at the brunette above her.

Her blue eyes are dark, her swollen lips parted to allow gasps.

“I love fucking you.” Lexa only grins, wanting to lean back in, but Clarke’s hand on her bare chest stops her.

“I am serious, Lexa.”

Lexa smiles, pressing a soft kiss on Clarke’s tiny nose. “I know you are, Clarke. I _know_.”

She still hovers above her girlfriend, enjoying their soft skins pressed together.

Clarke’s hand just doesn’t stop caressing Lexa’s cheek and her heart just fucking melts.

The blonde looks like she is about to cry again. “I can’t believe I almost lost you, too.”

“You shouldn’t think about things that didn’t happen, Clarke.” Lexa shakes her head, but Clarke takes her face between her hands.

“Tell me you are not leaving me.” She almost begs.

“You think I will?” Lexa’s eyes widen. She never wanted Clarke to feel like this.

“I… sometimes.” The blonde admits.

“I _love_ you, Clarke. I love you more than I have ever loved _anyone_.” Lexa says determinedly. “Don’t ever think that again. Please, Clarke, I’m sorry if I left you in the past, but I won’t ever do that again. Not unless you want me to go.”

Lexa’s voice cracks as she leans down, desperately kissing her girlfriend. She pours all her emotions into the kiss, hoping that Clarke will understand that she means her words.

She can feel Clarke’s hands in her hair, pulling her impossibly close. Lexa moans into the kiss, her tongue already making its way into Clarke’s mouth.

She can feel nails dig into the skin of her scalp, knowing how much Clarke needs her right now.

“I love _you_.” Lexa repeats against her lips, breaths mingling.

“I know. I’m just being paranoid.”

“You’re not, Clarke. I gave you enough reason for you to feel like this. I’m sorry.” It’s barely a whisper against Clarke’s lips, but she knows the blonde hears her.

Instead of speaking more, Clarke pulls her in again, her lips wet and ready for Lexa.

Their kiss turns heated quickly, small moans leaving their throats. She enjoys feeling Clarke against her, her centre already begging for friction.

She can feel the blonde’s hands moving back to her ass, pulling her closer, their hips locking as Lexa starts to grind into her.

Switching angles, a throaty moan escapes Clarke’s lips as she spreads her legs in order for Lexa to settle between them.

The brunette lets her right hand slide down over Clarke’s skin, down to unbutton her jeans, sliding into her underwear smoothly.

Lexa groans when her fingers meet a pool of wetness already, sucking Clarke’s lip between her teeth.

“Fuck, Lexa.” Clarke pants, her hands roaming over Lexa’s body to pull her impossibly close.

Lexa dips two fingers into the blonde, moaning at the feeling, breathing heavily against Clarke’s lips.

Even though this position is nothing but unhandy, she doesn’t even care. She just wants to make Clarke feel good.

She starts thrusting into her, watching her girlfriend falling apart underneath her, grabbing Lexa’s shoulders to pull her in for a dirty, hot kiss.

Tongues swirl around the other, moans disappear into mouths.

Clarke’s walls already clench around Lexa’s fingers, telling her that she’s close already.

She fucking swears that she can feel Clarke’s pleasure in her own body, running through her veins, fuelling her love only more.

“Stop, stop, Lexa.” Clarke suddenly breathes. “I want to come _together_.”

Lexa’s eyes instantly darken further, licking her lips when she feels Clarke’s hand slide down between their bodies.

Clarke is just as smooth as Lexa as her hand makes its way into Lexa’s slacks, into her underwear. Lexa knows she is dripping.

Clarke’s eyes widen when she realises that, but Lexa already shuts her up with a kiss.

As soon as the blonde’s fingers enter her, Lexa moans shamelessly loud, pulling back, her hips rolling into Clarke’s fingers, her eyes rolling back.

“ _Oh_.” She breathes at the sensation of feeling Clarke inside of her.

She almost forgets her own fingers buried deep inside the student, but curls them the moment she realises it.

The blonde instantly arches her back, Lexa's arm instantly slipping underneath her to hold her close, Clarke panting when she curls her own fingers.

Lexa’s gasped breaths leave her throat unevenly, her eyes wide at the feeling.

She leans in, needing to feel Clarke’s lips against her own as they fuck each other roughly, their hips rocking and grinding, a sweaty, hot mess.

Lexa doesn’t even care if anyone sees. She can’t fucking care.

She rolls her hips into Clarke’s fingers, her pleasure building as she pumps into Clarke. Her arm cramps but she keeps going.

“Fuck, fuck, _fuck_.” Clarke pants, her eyes wide, but she rises her head to press her lips against Lexa’s ear. “Come with _me_ , Lexa.”

It only takes a few seconds for them to reach the highest point, pleasure shooting through their bodies, gripping onto each other tightly, panting into each other’s mouths.

Rocking their hips frantically, they come down from their high and Lexa collapses on top of Clarke.

“That was…”

“… such a brilliant idea of mine.” The blonde finishes, making Lexa giggle lightly, but she stops, needing to catch her breath.

Their hands pull back as Lexa lies down on Clarke, her face pressed against the blonde’s jaw.

Clarke’s hand in Lexa’s hair, gently massaging her scalp.

“I meant to say that was fucking amazing. We should definitely do it in cars more often.”

“I know right.” Clarke’s small chuckle is sweet, dying just as quickly as Lexa’s seconds before.

Their chests moving up and down quickly, they really try to catch their breaths. Lexa closes her eyes, enjoying the feeling of Clarke against her.

She is so soft, so… perfect. So beautiful.

“You take my breath away.” Lexa breathes.

“Literally.” Clarke adds when she hears Lexa’s attempts to still catch her breath.

“I mean it, Clarke.” The brunette leans up on her arms, looking down at the student. “You never fail to amaze me.”

She ghosts her lips over the delicate skin of Clarke’s neck. She can already feel those hands tangle in her own curls, pulling her closer.

The blonde’s head tilting back to give her more access.

Lexa’s tongue tracing the popping vein in Clarke’s neck.

“Wanna go again?” Clarke breathes.

“What do you think?” Lexa only grins, her eyes closed as she inhales Clarke, her nose nuzzling in the blonde’s neck.

“You really do have a thing for my neck, don’t you.” The blonde’s raspy voice sounds angelic as she laughs quietly.

“Hmm, yes.” Lexa presses featherlight kisses there, earning her a few shivers from the blonde.

She moves up again, looking down at her girlfriend with passion in her eyes.

Clarke is ready for her when she leans in, meeting her in another open-mouthed kiss. It is lazier than before, but it quickly grows into much more as their tongue’s fight, both women demanding control.

Lexa wins, however.

She can feel her sensitive centre when Clarke slides her hand down again, teasing her around her clit.

The moan that Lexa lets out is enough for Clarke, already slipping back inside.

“Fuck.” Lexa is so fucking sensitive she know she will come within seconds.

So she pulls back.

“Together again?”

“ _Together_.”

\\\

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You wanted smut so you get smut xD
> 
> Last chapter coming up in a few days!!!! this fic is coming to an end, can you believe it? i certainly can't
> 
> hope you enjoyed!


	18. epilogue - graduation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke graduates from Polis Uni and mostly fluff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end is near!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> Chapter is longer than i anticipated but i am sure you guys wont mind xD
> 
> there will be a little bit of angst, but it is nothing that bad... just lasts like half a minute or so, could not help myself sorry, but there is plenty of fluff!!!!
> 
> Songs i recommend while reading this chapter ;  
> Frida Sundemo - Over you (pure version)  
> future jr - sentimental trick  
> abi ocia - own  
> WYNNE - come alive  
> reece - alone

\\\

_Two years and eight months later_

  
“Come on, Woods, is that all you’ve got?!” Raven yells, running ahead of the brunette through the park.

“Nope.” Lexa just grins, increasing her speed, catching up on the Latina quickly, her legs pumping underneath her.

They are both fast, but Lexa is faster. She catches up, reaching the gate of the park before Raven does.

The brunette laughs loudly through her panting when she hears the Latina curse under her breath.

Lexa bends forward, leaning on her knees as she wipes the sweat from her face.

She tightens her ponytail, massaging her left thigh.

“That went really well.” She grins, high-fiving Raven when the other woman seems to have forgotten about her loss.

“Hmm, next time you’re losing.”

“You have never won before and you never will, Reyes.” Lexa cackles out another laugh, already walking towards her car that is parked at the entrance of the park.

The sun is shining and the weather is absolutely perfect.

She opens the trunk, grabbing a towel from her bag. Raven does the same.

They have made this a routine.

Three days a week, they go on an early morning run, training their legs. Shaw had not liked that at first, but when he saw their progression he had only encouraged it.

They have special limbs for running – artificial limbs more flexible and handier when it comes to sports.

And Lexa loves it. She loves that she and Raven have the opportunity to do this, to feel so fucking free every time.

“One day I will kick your ass.” Raven grunts again, wiping the sweat from her neck and her face, but Lexa grins knowingly.

“Never.”

“Hmm. Right. You know we have only been running for like half a year so don’t get so smug on progressing faster than me.” The Latina chuckles, making Lexa roll her eyes.

“Yeah, yeah, keep on dreaming, Raven.” She laughs. “Come on, I’ll take you home to your girl.”

“Can you believe that they are graduating next week?” Raven shakes her head in disbelief as she steps into the Mercedes’ passenger seat, Lexa behind the wheel.

She grins, shaking her head as well. “Time goes fast.”

“Damn right it does.”

The past few years have been… chaotic. Perfect, but flawed at the same time.

Just like _life_ itself.

But, Lexa finds herself taking Raven home to her apartment that she shares with her girlfriend Octavia. They finally ended up together about ten months ago, after a lot of struggling.

And Lexa cannot remember that she has ever seen Raven so happy, even though the Latina pretends that she hasn’t changed. But the teacher can see it in her eyes, can see it in the smile whenever she brings up Octavia.

Lexa is really happy for her.

“Hmm, plans with Clarke still going strong?” Raven smirks, leaning her elbow in the window of the car as they watch the low sun over the quiet city.

The teacher instantly smiles. Her right hand on the wheel, her left hanging out the window, she feels the cool breeze in her hair.

“Yes.”

Next week is graduation.

After that, she and Clarke will finally be able to be, legally speaking. Lexa can’t say that the past few years have been perfect, no.

Despite the fact that she chose Clarke over and over again, didn’t mean that she didn’t find it difficult to hide their relationship for _years_.

Thankfully, her friends all know. Thankfully, they have all kept it a secret together and she knows that without them, she probably wouldn’t have been able to keep going.

Nyko knows. Niylah and Ryder know, too, because Lexa slipped up once with Nyko and they had been standing right behind her.

But they have supported her. They covered for her when things got suspicious. No matter how hard she tried, there were always certain moments which could have ruined it all.

But they are fine. They are okay and Lexa is happy. She is so fucking in love, still.

She knows it has all been worth it.

Clarke is worth _everything_.

“You are so goofy when you’re in love, Woods.” The Latina grins, her brown eyes teasing as Lexa glances at her shortly, shooting her an intimidating glare.

“Shut it, Reyes.”

Raven just sticks out her tongue, laughing quietly as they drive through the city.

“See you later.” Lexa smiles when she drops Raven off at her apartment. “And don’t you dare make Octavia come late again!”

“Yeah, yeah.” Raven takes her bag out of the trunk, waves without watching as she enters her building.

Shaking her head in amusement, Lexa continues to drive, on her way to her own apartment building.

She parks her car, makes her way up with the elevator.

Enters her apartment quietly, puts her bag in the bathroom.

She quietly opens the door to her bedroom, peeking inside.

Her heart melts instantly when she sees the blonde sleeping, her face peaceful, her blonde hair cascaded on her pillow. She lies on her side, rolled up into a small ball, hugging Lexa’s pillow as if her life depends on it.

She still isn’t used to the fact that Clarke sleeps here often. Usually, she is only here on the weekends, but after finals she basically started living here full-time.

Not that Lexa was complaining, not at all. It was perfect to have her around so much. But she can’t get used to it and she is not sure if she even wants to.

Lexa hears the tiniest snores and she wants nothing more than to curl up behind the blonde, but she needs a shower, desperately.

She makes her way to the bathroom, taking off her leg as she goes into her shower, quickly washing herself.

She smiles when she thinks how far Clarke has come. The blonde is almost an architect, she now has a good relationship with her mother and her husband Marcus. Things are going really well, despite the fact that Clarke had a hard time after Abby started moving on from her father.

Lexa knows that Clarke still visits her father’s grave every week. The blonde may not tell her that, but she knows.

She can tell by the way the blonde’s shoulders slouch, the sadness in her eyes that she still misses him every day.

Lexa wishes she could take that away, but she can’t. She can only be there for Clarke and it is all she wants, really.

She finishes the shower within five minutes, brushing her teeth, blowing her hair dry.

She dries herself, but keeps the towel wrapped around her torso.

It is still way too early to wake Clarke, but she goes into the bedroom anyways, leaning on one crutch.

She slips off her towel, thinking that the blonde is still sleeping, but a voice sounds.

“Hmm, not a bad view.” Clarke’s voice is low and raw with sleep, a smile on her lips, her eyes small as she tries to get used to the light.

“You don’t have to wake yet, Clarke.” Lexa smiles, crawling into the bed, into Clarke’s opened arms.

She presses a small kiss on the blonde’s nose.

“You are out of your mind that you keep running with Rae at this hour, especially when you are free today.” She grumbles, her face already making its way to rest in Lexa’s neck.

“Hmm, some people aren’t meant to sleep in all the time. Plus, I am not entirely free. I have this graduation gala tonight with my students.” She smoothly wraps her arms around her girlfriend.

Clarke mumbles something that the teacher cannot understand, but her face goes up, kissing Lexa’s jaw, up to meet her lips in the softest kiss.

Lexa instantly sinks into it. She wants to deepen the kiss, but Clarke pulls back.

“Haven’t brushed my teeth yet.” She growls, but leans in again anyways.

Yeah, she might taste a bit… sleepy. But Lexa doesn’t mind. She kisses her anyways.

“Hmm, can we just lie in bed all day?” the blonde murmurs against her lips, but Lexa shakes her head with a smile.

“You know that gives me headaches.”

They remain in bed all day, after all.

\\\

Clarke leaves to get ready for the gala at Octavia’s. Lexa really told her several times that wasn’t necessary, but the blonde wanted to keep her outfit a secret and the teacher fears the worst.

Not that she minds Clarke looking good in a dress, or suit, or whatever she picked out.

More that she is _working_ tonight. She has to keep an eye on the graduates with Niylah and Costia, something that will be torture when Clarke is dancing and she isn’t allowed to show affection.

She already rolls her eyes at the thought of having to be there with Costia. The psychology teacher has not been sitting still the past years and Lexa doesn’t understand why she won’t take no for an answer.

She has been more than pushy and Lexa can’t get through to her. She is pretty sure that Costia insisted on helping with the gala tonight, only because she knew that Lexa was going, too.

But thankfully, Lexa has Niylah as well.

There are a few other teachers that will be there, but most of them, Lexa doesn’t really know.

And she doesn’t mind.

She puts on her artificial limb after Clarke leaves, going to the bathroom to get ready.

She knows she is a teacher, so she just plays it safe.

She will put on a dress, but not a special one. She straightens her hair, puts on eye-liner and subtle lipstick.

She puts on the dress – a simple black dress, that is tight, but not too tight, long enough to drape over the floor so people won’t have to see her leg.

It has long sleeves, and shows barely any cleavage, perfect for the gala as a professor.

Niylah is going to pick her up, and she grabs a small purse she puts her important things in.

She doesn’t take a coat – in June it gets warm enough in Wyoming not to wear a jacket.

Niylah is already there when Lexa exits her building, quick to climb into the car.

“Ready for those annoying students?” Niylah laughs loudly as Lexa sits next to her.

“Always.”

“You’re almost _free_ , Lexa.” Niylah reminds her with a smile as they drive through the city.

Lexa knows. She has been looking forward to Clarke’s graduation longer than she is willing to admit to her girlfriend.

“I know.” The brunette smiles as they drive through the city.

Driving doesn’t bother her anymore. Not as much as it used to.

She knows that what happened to her is… a chance of one in a million. She knows that she can’t control everything and that is something she had been having trouble with.

But her therapist helped her. Her therapist helped her process the things that happened to her and she is grateful for it.

She knows she will always stay damaged in a way not many people are, but she can now accept her thoughts, her feelings. She knows she shouldn’t put them away, she knows she should talk about it.

Sometimes, she still wakes up with nightmares. Most times that happens, Clarke isn’t with her.

And Lexa finds it difficult to talk about it. Usually, it takes her more than a week to admit to Clarke she’s had one, but the blonde understands.

Niylah drives onto the parking lot of Polis Uni.

There are many, many cars at campus already. The large basketball gym has been turned into a giant dancefloor, people are not allowed to go inside yet, but Niylah and Lexa already make their way inside as the teachers.

They talk to the organisers, to the band that is set to play on a stage they have built.

“This is going to be a long night.” Lexa groans when she thinks she has to stay here the entire night.

Niylah only chuckles.

“Lexa! Niylah!”

“Nyko?” Lexa raises her eyebrows in surprise, smiling when she watches him arrive, wearing a tuxedo. “Don’t you look dapper this evening.”

“Always. You didn’t think I’d leave you hanging here, did you?” he grins, kissing the two women on the cheek softly. “It is Lexa’s last event here after all.”

“Hmm, right.” Niylah smiles sadly, but Lexa tries to cheer her up.

“I will still come back here plenty of times, Niy. You’re stuck with me whether you like it or not.” The brunette smiles, placing her hand on Niylah’s elbow.

“Why did you have to choose to go to Chicago?” the dirty-blonde woman almost whines, making Lexa’s grin.

“It’s our dream, you know that.” Lexa can’t stop smiling.

Yes, she loves her job here. Yes, she loves living here, but she and Clarke are ready for something new.

It had been Clarke’s idea. The blonde confessed that she didn’t know if she wanted to stay in Polis for the rest of her life. She had been thinking about moving to Chicago and Lexa never blamed her for that.

They had talked about it one night, not even bothering going to sleep.

And Lexa had been fond of the idea. She had been up for it. She is sure that if she wouldn’t have had Clarke, she would be living in Chicago already.

And so, they planned. Clarke had to study for graduation and Lexa started looking around for jobs.

She found one. She isn’t going to be a teacher at a University anymore. Instead, she found a large firm in Chicago that specialises in guiding interns and freshly graduated architects.

She had left Polis for a weekend, taking Clarke with her, to fly to Chicago and have an interview there and she had loved it. She had loved the atmosphere at the firm, she had loved the people there and she knew that she would be honoured to work there.

And they had instantly hired her, not even caring that she could only start somewhere near the end of August.

Her salary there will be much more than she earns here, giving Clarke the opportunity to start her master’s program of two years at the school of the Art Institute of Chicago. It is actually the school that Lexa had been dreaming of attending while younger, but she didn’t apply there.

But the blonde had applied and got accepted. Abby has insisted on funding the two-year program while Lexa thought it was nonsense. But Clarke told Lexa that if her mother insisted, it was simply going to happen.

Not that Lexa minded – she really didn’t have _that_ much money, but she didn’t want them to depend on Clarke’s mother.

But Lexa is so fucking proud of her girlfriend. So proud that she got her bachelor’s degree now, that she is still dreaming of becoming an architect like Lexa once was.

“Also, Ryder will be joining us soon.” Nyko grins widely, tucking at the sleeves of his white blouse under his suit jacket, straightening it.

Lexa is smooth when she corrects his bowtie, smiling when she catches him looking at her.

“I never said this before, Lexa, but I am so proud of you.” He grins, his blue eyes shining. “You have come so far since you started here.”

“You too, Nyko.” Lexa’s fingers wrap around his clothed forearm, standing close to the man she considers as one of her best friends. “I can see how happy you are with Dennis.”

Dennis, Nyko’s boyfriend of a year. The man who made Nyko even happier than he already was.

“Hmm, we are all so lucky, aren’t we?” Niylah grins. Still with Echo, Niylah and her girlfriend are close. Lexa knows this because when she and Echo hang out, the other woman can’t shut up about Niylah and it amuses the brunette to no end.

Not that she is any different, talking about Clarke all the time. But it’s perfect.

“Don’t speak to soon, love.” Nyko laughs loudly, but is interrupted when Ryder walks onto the dancefloor, in a similar tuxedo.

“Ry!” Lexa walks to him, giving him a kiss on the cheek. They all chat a little, about their lives, about how Lexa’s arrival at Polis University has changed them all.

How fast time is going and how far they’ve come.

And then, it is time to let the student’s in.

Lexa watches as the students who organised it all, stand near the entrance to only allow graduating students.

The band starts playing and the four teacher try to blend into the background, not wanting to disturb the students all too much, but keeping an eye on them just in case.

Lexa keeps her eyes glued to the entrance. She wants to see Clarke. In fact, she is dying to see her, wanting to know how she looks.

It takes a solid fifteen minutes before the teacher spots her girlfriend in the distance.

She is glad that her colleagues know about her and Clarke, because she is just about ready to drop her jaw.

Her heart speeds up, her breathing erratic, her eyes wide. She watches the blonde move next to Octavia, their arms hooked.

And she looks fucking gorgeous. Her blonde hair loosely draped around her shoulders in subtle curls, parted in the middle. Her make up heavy, her smile radiant, her face angelic.

Her navy dress hugging her in all the right places, accentuating her cleavage, her hips.

It cuts off just above the knees and Lexa watches her wearing heels. A tiny purse in the blonde’s left hand, the dress has the thinnest straps Lexa has ever seen.

“Keep it in your pants, Woods.” Ryder whispers in her ear, snapping her out of her daze, giving him an angry glare.

“Woops, you offended the commander.” Nyko chuckles as they stand somewhere behind, as the dancefloor starts filling with students.

Lexa knows that Clarke hasn’t spotted her yet. But she keeps her eyes on her girlfriend as she makes her way onto the floor, dancing a little with Octavia. Lexa’s eyes are glued to the student and she isn’t quite sure how she will be able to look away.

“Smitten.” Niylah laughs. “I am going to get some drinks. What are you up to?”

“Champagne?” Nyko asks seriously. “What? They’re adults.” He shrugs when the other teachers glare at him in amusement.

“Yeah, but as an example we cannot really drink tonight, _darling_.” Ryder laughs, the other man rolling his eyes, but playfully nudges the bigger man in the shoulder.

“Soda it is.” Niylah makes her way to the bar, Ryder joining her.

Oh, how Lexa is going to miss them. She laughs with Niylah, but her eyes quickly make their way back to the dancefloor, already spotting the familiar blonde hair.

A certain pride wells up in Lexa’s chest, a crooked smile on her lips. They have come so far. They are about to start their real lives and she for one, can’t wait.

But still, she has one more thing to do before they go to Chicago. Something she has asked Raven and Octavia for to help her with.

Something she has discussed with Abby and Marcus, months ago.

Something, she is really nervous about.

But just as she thinks about her plans, she can feel those blue orbs connect with hers.

Clarke instantly smiles widely.

Lexa quickly scans the rest of the room, but when nobody is watching her, she sends a small wink the blonde’s way.

Clarke bites her bottom lip, blushing a little, looking adorable as ever.

Lexa can feel Nyko’s hand on her back as he leans in. “Can I be at your wedding?”

Lexa snorts, glancing aside at her colleague. “Of course, you weirdo. But I want to be at yours, too.”

“Obviously.” He mocks rolling his eyes, but his smile is so wide that Lexa fears his teeth might fall out.

The dancefloor gets fuller and fuller, and Lexa chats with students or her colleagues. She avoids Costia the best she can, but still, the blonde psychology teacher manages to talk to her, standing closer than Lexa wants her to.

“Costia, can you come with me for a moment?” Lexa asks, her face neutral and stoic. She really needs to put an end to this.

She takes Costia outside, some place where they can talk in private.

“What do you want from me?” Lexa bluntly blurts out, making Costia’s eyes widen.

“Uhh…”

“Because you have been in my personal space for the past three years. I know I should have told you sooner, but I am not into you.”

“You’re… not gay?” Costia’s eyes widen even more, clearly uncomfortable with the situation, making Lexa soften lightly.

“My sexuality is none of your business, Costia. It is private for a reason.”

“Fine. Geez. I was just trying to be kind.” The woman raises her hands.

“I know. But I am telling you now. I know I am leaving Polis, but I just wanted to clear the air. Take care, Costia.”

Lexa wants to say more, but Costia just nods with pursed lips, leaving without saying more.

“That went well.” Lexa rolls her eyes to herself, but she shrugs. She smiles when she looks over the large campus.

This will be one of her last days that she will spend here. She leans against the wall of the gym for a moment, watching as the sun slowly lowers behind the buildings.

She will miss this place. But she is so fucking happy. Her heart feels like it is about to explode. She has made so many friends, friends that turned into family.

Raven, Nyko, Niylah, Ryder. Abby and Marcus, and even Bellamy and Octavia have sneaked their way into her daily life. And she loves it. Anya and Lincoln have planned their wedding this summer and Lexa is pretty sure that Echo wants to ask Niylah as well.

It is almost as if they are _too_ happy. As if there is something about to happen to take all that good away, because nobody ever feels this happy all the time.

_Right?_

At least, this is what Lexa thinks. She is holding onto Clarke for dear life. She just prays that the blonde will stay with her.

That she will say yes to the question she has been wanting to ask for a while now. That she will want to spend the rest of her life with Lexa. The brunette can’t say that she isn’t nervous about that and she hopes that Clarke won’t notice.

She smiles again, looking up at the darkening sky to thank whoever might be listening. She says thanks for all the blessings in her life. For all the _good_ things that happened to her.

She tears her eyes away from the sky, finally making her way back inside.

She makes her way over the dancefloor, through the crowd, on her way back to Nyko.

But, something makes her stop in her tracks. Something that has her heart stop in embarrassment. Something that has her jaw clenched, her nostrils flaring.

Her fists balling by her sides, the walls around her heart shooting up as fast as ever.

Clarke.

Her girlfriend.

She is kissing a boy. A tall boy, with brown, slick hair. His hands cupping her ass, pressed up against her.

His mouth plastered on hers.

Her cheeks redden with fury.

She is about to turn around and walk away forever, when she sees the look on Clarke’s face.

When she notices the way that Clarke is squirming, trying to get out of the grip of the boy.

He is _harassing_ her.

Lexa’s girlfriend.

The brunette is by Clarke’s side in a second.

Her fingers wrap around the boy’s wrist within a second, squeezing much tighter than must be comfortable.

She recognizes him.

His eyes snap into Lexa and she doesn’t even care that he is taller than her.

She sends him the most intimidating glare she has ever done.

“What is happening here, Mr. Collins?” she asks coldly, gritting her teeth, her nostrils still flaring as her free hand makes its way to the small of Clarke’s back.

The blonde seems in shock, her lipstick smudged around her parted lips, her eyes wide, not able to move.

Lexa still has Finn’s wrist in her hand and she watches the boy uncomfortably shifting, trying to escape her grip, but she is stronger.

It is all happening so subtly that nobody really notices, but Clarke is fast when she shuffles behind Lexa, clearly hurt by the boy.

“Nothing! I swear, we were just dancing.”

“It didn’t really look like dancing. Miss. Griffin?” Lexa coolly eyes her girlfriend, not able to act like a normal person.

She feels rage, pure anger and she knows she has to hold back. She knows she has to be Clarke’s teacher now, she _can’t_ be her girlfriend.

“I told him no, but he would not listen.” Clarke says, biting her lips in embarrassment, looking at Lexa with puppy eyes.

The brunette doesn’t know if Clarke thinks she is angry at _her_. She hopes that the blonde knows all her anger is pointed to the boy and not her.

“Mr. Collins?” Lexa tilts her head, tapping her foot impatiently as her grip on his arm only tightens.

He looks so fucking uncomfortable that Lexa is about to grin, but she isn’t like that. She does not enjoy other people’s pain.

“I think you and I are going to have a talk, Mr. Collins.” Lexa grumbles, pulling on his arm, pushing him into the direction of the exit.

Before she follows the boy, she turns. “Find Octavia and Niylah. I will be back in a few minutes.”

The pout on Clarke’s trembling bottom lip has Lexa’s heart breaking. Her eyes soften, her hand slides into the blonde’s subtly to squeeze it gently.

“I’ll be right back.” Lexa squeezes one more time before turning and quickly following the boy outside.

“What the hell was that, Collins?” Lexa spats as soon as they are outside.

“I didn’t do anything!” he raises his hands, challenging Lexa clearly as his brown eyes are almost sparkling in amusement.

“You and I are going to have a talk.” She roughly pushing him into the direction of the main building, knowing that Gustus will probably be in his office. He is always in his office when something is happening at campus.

She walks behind the boy, guiding him to the office.

She lets Finn knock the door awkwardly, letting him walk in first when Gustus says the door is unlocked.

“Lexa?” Gustus eyes her and the boy curiously, clearly not aware of who Finn is.

“Finn Collins studied Psychology here, also graduating this year. He harassed Clarke Griffin tonight.” Lexa just says, pushing the boy into one of the chairs.

“It wasn’t like that!” Finn instantly defends himself weakly, but Gustus already has a look on his face and Finns’ attempts of trying to change his mind won’t do anything.

Lexa stands behind the boy closely, keeping an eye on him.

“He groped her. I could read on Miss. Griffins’ face that she did not appreciate that.”

“Speak up, Collins.” Gustus’ tone is dangerously low and in that moment, Finn seems to realise that it is a lost cause.

“I thought she wanted it.” He shrugs.

“Right.” Lexa rolls her eyes. “Why don’t we ask Miss. Griffin.”

“Good idea, Lexa. Why don’t you make sure that she is okay and get her in here?” he rises from his chair, walking Lexa to the door of his office.

“Why don’t you call Jaha? We take things like this very seriously.” He whispers.

Thelonious Jaha. Head of the University, director and principal. A man you would rather not speak to, not unless you really had to.

“Yes.” Lexa nods, quickly making her way out of the office, back to the gym. On her way there, she calls Jaha quickly.

The man tells her that he is already on his way. The brunette puts her phone away, entering the gym.

“Lexa!” Nyko already calls. “They went to the restrooms.”

Lexa almost runs. She roughly opens the door to the ladies restrooms, seeing an upset Clarke in Octavia’s arms, Niylah rubbing her back comfortingly.

The second Clarke spots the brunette, she is up on her feet, flying into her arms.

“I didn’t want it, Lexa.” She almost cries, but Lexa holds her close.

“I know, Clarke.” Lexa presses her lips against her girlfriend’s cheek, whispering in her ear. “I know you didn’t.”

They stand like that for a solid few minutes, Niylah and Octavia quickly leaving to guard the door.

In this moment, Lexa is so fucking grateful that they know about this.

“He just… he touched me. I felt him against me and I tried, but he was so strong…” the blonde’s low voice is cracking and Lexa curses the boy.

How dare he fucking touch her like that.

The brunette pulls back lightly, Clarke’s arms still draped around her waist.

She takes the student’s face between her hands softly, wanting to lean in, but Clarke pulls back, flinching instantly.

Lexa’s hands fly off her face as if she just touched fire. Clarke never pulled back from her like that before.

“Lexa…” Clarke realises what she did. “I… I feel disgusting. I don’t want you to kiss me when he kissed me like that.”

Lexa only nods, not moving, not until Clarke gives her the indication that it is okay for her to touch her again.

“I’m sorry.” Clarke puts her hands in her face and starts sobbing. Lexa is afraid to touch her and her heart is aching for the blonde.

She wants nothing more than to take that away, that hurt, that feeling of disgust.

She waits. She waits until Clarke is ready again.

“Clarke.” Lexa just mumbles softly, very gently, very slowly, rising her hand to cup the blonde’s chin. “ _Love_ , look at me.”

It feels like an eternity before blue eyes connect with green, but Lexa smiles nonetheless. Her hand remains under Clarke’s chin.

“I know that this sucks right now, okay?” she starts. “I know that I can’t touch you right now, but we have to get to Gustus’ office.”

“Why?”

“Because Finn is there and Jaha is on his way. They don’t take harassment lightly here, Clarke.” Lexa murmurs, hating to see her girlfriend hurting.

“ _Harassment_.” The blonde tastes the words on her lips for a moment.

“Yes.” Lexa just says, still waiting for Clarke. She doesn’t want to rush her, she doesn’t want to push her into doing something that the blonde doesn’t want to.

“Right.” The blonde moves lightly, to the sinks, washing her face until off of her make up is gone.

She drinks water, rinsing her mouth a few times, leaning on the sink heavily.

Lexa wants nothing more than to take her in her arms, hold her tightly. But she doesn’t dare to move.

She is about to open the doors when Clarke nods, when the blonde stops her anyways.

“You believe me, right?” Clarke’s hand on her arm, her eyes big and expectantly.

“Why would I not believe you, Clarke?” Lexa shakes her head with the tiniest smile. “I _trust_ you.”

“Can… can you kiss me?”

“I won’t if you don’t want me to. I won’t do anything you don’t want me to.” Lexa’s eyes are filled with pain as she watches the blonde sniff lightly.

“I want you to kiss me.”

She doesn’t have to say more. Lexa slowly steps closer, her hands lifting to caress the blonde’s cheeks.

Green eyes flicker between blue.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

She slowly leans in, giving Clarke all the time in the world to retract if she changes her mind. But she doesn’t.

Lexa sighs happily as soon as her lips touch Clarke’s.

They feel cold, from the water.

They barely move, but it’s enough. Lexa just keeps her lips pressed there gently, not moving. She doesn’t want to push Clarke.

She can feel Clarke’s arms around her waist again, pulling her closer. It is Clarke that parts her lips lightly, moving slowly against Lexa.

She is _so_ soft.

So delicate. _Fragile_.

But Clarke deepens the kiss slowly, not in a hurry at all. Lexa is afraid to open her own mouth. She doesn’t want to scare her away, but when she feels Clarke’s tongue swiping her bottom lip, she parts her lips, happily granting her access.

It is probably the slowest kiss that she has ever experienced. But it’s perfect. If this is what Clarke needs, Lexa will happily give that to her.

Clarke’s tongue is soft, wet and hot and Lexa really has trouble not to deepen it. Instead, she sighs contently, pressing her body flush against Clarke’s.

The kiss seems to last forever. When Clarke finally pulls back, she blinks a few times, a small smile is on her pink lips and she has some colour back on her cheeks.

“Hi.” Lexa smiles lightly, feeling how the blonde finally relaxes a little.

“Hi.” Clarke smiles back.

“Are you okay?” the brunette asks, her hands moving to Clarke’s neck, massaging her tense muscles softly.

“Yeah.” She breathes. “Lets go to Gustus.”

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, Clarke.”

“You are an angel.” Clarke only smiles, leaning her head on Lexa’s shoulder, her face nuzzling in the brunette’s neck.

“I am?” Lexa raises her eyebrows in surprise.

“I have never met anyone who treated me the way you treat me.”

Lexa feels a featherlight kiss in her neck.

“I never met anyone who looks at me the way you do.” The blonde pulls back, her blue eyes watery, but a tiny smile on her beautifully shaped lips. “I love you so much, Lexa Woods.”

The brunette does nothing but smile, holding Clarke in her arms.

“I love you the _most_ , Clarke Griffin.”

\\\

Clarke seems to have forgotten about it all, the day after. Perhaps the gala has been ruined and perhaps Clarke will never trust men again, but when Lexa watches her girlfriend sleep on her couch, she knows that they will be alright.

They will always be alright.

\\\

Lexa sits on a plastic chair, watching the stage on the soccer field, where Gustus hands the architecture students their bachelor diploma.

She wears round sunglasses, sits next to Ryder and spots Marcus and Abby somewhere in the crowd. She is sitting somewhere far behind, knowing that this will be her last day on campus.

After this, she will probably never return.

She can’t deny that she hasn’t been emotional about it. She can’t deny that it breaks her heart lightly that she has to leave this behind. She has had an amazing couple of years here.

She has had an amazing time, despite her forbidden relationship with Clarke. With the support of their friends and family, they made it through.

When Lexa spots her girlfriend walking on stage, a smug grin on her face, wearing blue graduation robe and hat, Lexa can’t help but put her fingers in her mouth to whistle loudly, cheering for the blonde.

Lexa can see Clarke searching for her in the crowd.

The teacher is happy that she gets to see this. That despite their forbidden love, she can see this moment in Clarke’s life.

It is all she ever wanted. To see Clarke bloom, to watch her live her life to the fullest.

Before the teacher knows it, the students have all received their diploma’s, parents and families gathering on the grass of the large field to talk with teachers, their kids and friends.

Lexa makes her way through the crowd, congratulating Murphy, shaking hands with his rich ass parents. He seems thrilled, and he knows that this is goodbye. He even _hugs_ her.

She meets Monty’s mother, a kind woman. Jasper high-fives her and Monty grabs her in a hug as well. She says her goodbyes, wishing her students the best of luck in their careers.

She wonders if she will ever see them again.

She chats around, shaking hands with more parents before finally arriving with Marcus, Abby, Bellamy, Raven, Octavia and Clarke.

“Lexa!” Raven grins widely, her arm around her girlfriend.

A part of Lexa wants to do the same to Clarke, but she holds in, smiling lightly.

“Guys.”

“Celebration dinner tomorrow night!” Marcus claps his hands in excitement, giving his stepdaughter a big hug, making the blonde laugh loudly as she happily returns it.

Lexa smiles happily, seeing Raven wink at her.

“Hmm, after today, we can finally see if Lexa will get out of her teacher-mode.” She grins.

“Teacher-mode?” Lexa quirks a brow, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

The others all let out a bark of laughter and Lexa has no fucking clue what they are talking about.

“You just act like… a _teacher_.” Bellamy explains with an amused grin on his face, tucking some of his black curls out of his face.

“Yeah, no shit.” Lexa rolls her eyes, making them laugh again.

“You’re just… the _commander_.” Octavia chuckles, making Lexa send her a glare.

“Yeah see, _that_ is what they are talking about, Lex.” Clarke nudges her in the arm.

“What? I just looked at her.”

“You did the _glare_!” Abby laughs behind her hand, hooking her arm through Marcus’ arm.

“Oh, just stop it.” The brunette grumbles, but she can’t find it in her to be angry about it.

This is her family. She loves them.

Bellamy sends her a wink and she smiles at him shortly. “I should probably say my goodbyes to my colleagues.”

“Right. See you later.” Clarke smiles, wanting to lean in out of habit, but she chuckles when she realises what she is doing. “Right. Not yet.”

“Almost.” Lexa grins, nodding at the rest of the group before departing, saying goodbye.

She is quick to join her group.

“Goodbye dinner is next week, right?” Nyko smiles sadly, his blue eyes almost tearing up and Lexa has to swallow away a lump in her throat.

“Yes. I expect you to bring Dennis with you!” Lexa exclaims, trying to lighten the mood.

“Of course.”

“We are going to miss you.” Ryder’s voice is softer than usual.

“Guys! We will see each other plenty of times. We have a group chat and you must text me all the rumours spreading on campus!” Lexa laughs, but her friends don’t really respond to that.

“Yeah, it will be different.” Niylah leans in for a short hug.

“You guys could just come to Chicago, too, you know.” The brunette reciprocates easily, closing her eyes shortly.

When she pulls back, she rolls up the sleeves of her white button up. The June sun is not going easy on them.

“I guess this is where we say goodbye. _For now_.” Lexa smiles at them, giving them all a kiss and a big hug.

They smile, say their goodbyes when Lexa finally makes her way off campus. She already said her goodbye’s to the rest, to Gustus and Jaha.

The other colleagues from the architecture department that she barely speaks to.

She makes her way to her Mercedes, sighing deeply when she opens the car door, staring at campus one last time.

It’s a chapter of her life that she is closing right now. Her sunglasses on top of her nose, she lowers herself into the seat of her car.

She doesn’t start the engine.

She has no idea why she is being so sentimental about this.

Perhaps it is, because this place is the spot where she discovered herself. Perhaps because this place gave her _everything_.

And she will be forever grateful for that. She won’t ever forget how much she loved coming here every day, teaching those kids what she knows.

Gossiping with her close colleagues. Taking trips with students.

That almost makes her forget something.

She quickly climbs out of her car, almost running to the architecture wing. She finds Gustus, asking him if he wants to open the door to her old lecture room.

She already gave back the keys, but the man happily walks her to it.

He opens the door, handing her the keys, telling her to return them sometime today, that he will be in his office.

She sighs when she stands in the door opening.

She looks up the rows of seats, knowing exactly which one was Clarke’s.

She smiles, remembering the first time she saw her.

She has always loved Clarke, she knows. She just didn’t know it back then. She remembers the pink tips in her hair, she remembers her rebellious behaviour that faded quickly.

She remembers catching her gaze more than she wanted to.

She remembers it all.

She walks to her desk, her fingers sliding over it carefully, remembering all the moments she spent here.

Checking homework, preparing classes, showing videos, slideshows. Watching students take tests, staring at Clarke.

She looks up at the wall, not believing she almost forgot that. The picture with her students.

She rises on her toes, reaching to grab the picture.

She holds it closely as she looks around the classroom one last time.

Smiling in content, she doesn’t look back when she leaves.

\\\

“Just tell me where we are going, Lexa! You know I hate surprises!” Clarke calls out as Lexa shoves her girlfriend in her car, laughing at the blonde’s spastic antics.

She just returned from campus, carefully set the picture in her living room, grabbed her stuff, changed into something easier and took Clarke with her.

The blonde knew that Lexa was taking her somewhere. She knew that the rest of the afternoon and tonight are all theirs.

And Lexa plans on celebrating.

“That ruins the fun, Clarke. I can tell you one thing – it is my absolute favourite place here in the state of Wyoming.” Lexa grins, settling behind the wheel.

The blonde’s eyes are furrowed, her lips pouting and pursed at the same time, her arms crossed.

“You do know that you _suck_ at looking angry.” Lexa laughs heartedly at her girlfriend, who loses the attitude to stick out her tongue.

Before the brunette starts the car, she leans in, tilting her head to the right, wanting to kiss Clarke.

“If you don’t tell me where we’re going, you’re not getting any kisses, you know that right?” Clarke’s voice already sounds weaker, her blue eyes wanting and Lexa knows it’ll only take a few more tries to change her mind.

“Let me love you, woman.” Lexa chuckles, leaning in further. And yes, Clarke finally caves in.

Her small hand cupping Lexa’s cheek, her lips connecting with the brunette’s.

It is addictive.

“You’re lucky that you’re so hot.”

“Even when I am this old?” Lexa teases.

“You’re not old, you _idiot_.” The blonde lets out a low laugh, making Lexa’s heart flutter. She smiles, pecking Clarke’s lips one last time before pulling back, starting the engine.

She slides the sunglasses on her nose again, glancing at her girlfriend shortly.

Clarke still takes her breath away. Her long, blonde hair messy around her shoulders. No make-up, a simple dark shirt. Light jeans, white sneakers.

Yeah, no doubt that Clarke is the love of her life. And Lexa remembers how she pushed her away in the past, still feeling guilty about that sometimes.

She shakes off the thought, focusing on the present.

She drives out of the garage, out of the city, onto the highway.

They sing along silly songs on the radio, Lexa’s hand often to be found resting on Clarke’s thigh, their fingers threading.

Windows open, warm wind in the car, Lexa feels so fucking perfect.

They drive for about an hour, before Lexa turns off the highway, basically driving into the middle of nowhere.

She takes a dusty road, slowly driving up a beach.

At the Yellowstone Lake.

“A lake?” Clarke’s eyes widen, a smile forms on her lips.

“Hmm, I found this spot years ago. People never come here.” The brunette grins, parking her car with the trunk facing the water, so she can easily take out the bags.

She climbs out, sighing happily when she sees the lake. There are not many visitors, especially not on this part of the beach.

She used to come here, after her parents died. When she was old enough to drive her own car.

It calmed her down.

“You never showed me this place before.” Clarke’s arm snakes around Lexa’s waist as they stare over the lake, the mountains on the other side, sun already lowering lightly.

Lexa wraps her arm around Clarke’s shoulder, pulling her close.

“That is because I wanted to save it for a special occasion like this.”

“That we are _free_?” Clarke’s blue eyes are fucking beautiful when Lexa turns her head.

She shoves her sunglasses in her loose hair, leaning in to shortly kiss the blonde.

“We are finally free, aren’t we.” She murmurs against her lips, smiling when she turns completely, Clarke’s arms around her waist, her own cupping the blonde’s face.

“Yeah, we are.”

“I love you, Clarke. I don’t say it often enough, but I love you so fucking much.” Lexa smiles, leaning her forehead against her girlfriend’s.

“You can be such a sap, Lexa.” Clarke smiles, lips already ghosting over Lexa’s again.

“I mean it.” She whispers, capturing those addictive lips again.

She wants to deepen the kiss, but Clarke pulls back.

“I am starving. Please, tell me you brought food.”

Lexa snorts. “Of course you are hungry.” She laughs loudly, pulling back as she grabs the bags and one closed basket.

“A picnic?” Clarke’s eyes widen again, the biggest smile on her face. Lexa cannot remember the last time she saw that smile.

Her heart beats faster, her own smile growing.

“Yes.” Lexa already takes all the things further on the beach, enjoying the gentle wind in her hair, loving the sound of the subtle waves hitting the sand.

She finds a few tree trunks, placing a ridiculously large towel on the ground where they can sit on.

She grabs Clarke by the shoulders, pushing her to sit down.

Lexa basically falls on her own butt, not really able to sit down normally with her prosthetic, but she is used to it.

She pulls out a lot of food. Sandwiches, salads and even a tiny barbecue that can be used only once.

She pulls out cooled chicken and other kinds of stuff, making Clarke laugh.

“What is so funny?”

“The fact you brought food for like, four people.” The blonde giggles, leaning in to steal a small kiss, but she leans in longer, breathing against Lexa’s lips.

“Perhaps I did that because you can eat for three. I wanted enough for myself.”

“That is not a nice thing to say.”

“It is true, Clarke. You eat. A lot.” Lexa teases, feeling Clarke pulling back already, but she is fast to cup the back of her head, pulling her in for a short, but searing kiss that sends heat to her core.

She tries to ignore it, firing up the small barbecue, putting meat on it.

She even brought a speaker for the Latin music that Clarke loves so much.

And Clarke eats. Happily. They lean against each other, their backs against the tree trunk. Lexa even brought pillows to make them comfortable.

After dinner, Lexa puts out the barbecue by throwing sand on it, settling back against the trunk.

She wants to wrap her arm around Clarke’s shoulder, but the blonde is smooth when she places herself between Lexa’s legs, leaning against Lexa’s front.

“Hmm, much better.” The blonde sighs happily, watching out over the water.

“I am proud of you, Clarke.” Lexa smiles into blonde hair, pressing a small kiss on her temple.

Her arms snake around the blonde’s shoulders, pressing her impossibly closer.

“I am proud of you too, Lexa.” Clarke’s husky voice is soft and Lexa closes her eyes.

She inhales the scent of Clarke mixed with the smell of the water. The wind is warm against her face, in her hair. Baby hairs tickling her face.

The sound of birds, waves, Clarke’s happy humming.

The feeling of Clarke’s body against her own, fitting perfectly. The blonde’s fingers caressing Lexa’s forearms.

They sit in silence for a few moments, enjoying the peace and quiet they barely experience in Polis. They watch the sun lower, Clarke’s head leaning back on Lexa’s shoulder.

“You’re beautiful.” Lexa murmurs, her lips glued to the blonde’s cheek. She means it.

Clarke was beautiful the moment they met, but she has grown into a _breath-taking_ woman. Mature, beautiful, more graceful than she already was.

Clarke only smiles, turning her head ever so slightly to capture Lexa’s lips with her own.

They kiss lazily for a few more moments, before the blonde looks back over the lake.

“You should have taken me here earlier. This is… stunning.”

“I wanted to save this for a special occasion, Clarke, I told you.”

“I know you said that… but you kept it from me for years.” Clarke leans into Lexa even further.

Lexa knows it’s time.

This is the perfect moment.

“I know. But I guess… I wanted to use this moment...” She mumbles, reaching over in one of her bags subtly, making sure the blonde won’t notice.

She takes out a small, black box, quickly hiding it in her hand, pretending to search something else.

She takes out a water bottle, taking a few sips before handing it to Clarke.

She waits until the blonde finishes drinking, when she lightly pushes Clarke away.

“I have to stretch my legs.” Lexa tries to come across as complaining, groaning a little. She hopes that her acting is good.

Clarke helps her up and the brunette stretches lightly, watching the blonde sit down again.

Before the blonde can comprehend what is happening, Lexa drops to one knee clumsily, the tiny box in her hands.

“Lexa, what the _fuck_?” the blonde gapes at her, her eyes exploding in shock, her jaw dropping.

“Let me speak, Clarke.” Lexa thought she would be nervous. She thought she would be… terrified. But she finds herself smiling happily, watching Clarke throw her hands in front of her mouth.

“Clarke? I… I had this whole speech prepared about how much I love you, but I can’t remember a word.” She chuckles lightly. “I just… I remember seeing you the very first time. You looked at me with that rebellious challenging look on your face and I just… you took my breath away. I have loved you since then, I think. I just didn’t know how to… how to love, how to become my own self and love somebody else. I always had this urge to be there for you, to protect you, to care about you, and I never really knew what it was, until I discovered that that is what love is. And I know that I have been… pushing you away. I have been going through a rough time and I know that there were moments I treated you poorly, I _know_ that.”

The brunette swallows, watching Clarke’s eyes already tear up.

“I know that I haven’t always been smart when it came to us, but… once I let it go, let go that I was your teacher and you my student, I knew that you… you make me feel alive, Clarke. You make me so stupidly sappy and irrational and it is annoying sometimes, but the thing is… in the beginning, I always thought you needed me, but the truth is that I just need _you_. I need _you_ to remind me what life is really about, you know… that life is about more than just _surviving_. What you told me that day, when we sat at your father’s grave.”

“Yeah, I remember.” Clarke is crying now. Lexa never wanted her to cry, but she has to say this.

“I know this is a long speech. And I will get to the point.." she scrapes her throat. "Clarke Griffin, I want you to be my wife. I want you to be in my life for as long as possible and here I am, asking you… do you… do you want to become _my wife_?”

“You are such an _idiot_.” The blonde only cries, shaking her head, one hand moving to clutch on Lexa’s shirt, pulling her closer.

The brunette opens the box, holding it up for Clarke to see, but she pushes it away gently.

“Why am I an idiot?” Lexa doesn’t understand. She has no idea why Clarke is crying so hard, despite the fact she is quite emotional herself.

But Clarke pulls the brunette into her lap, kissing her so deeply that it takes Lexa’s breath away.

She even forgets that she was proposing to her.

“Because you are the most beautiful, oblivious, caring, kind, funny person I have ever met.” Clarke murmurs against her lips, holding her so closely that Lexa still can’t breathe, her heart thumping in her chest.

Her ring forgotten in her hand, Clarke can’t seem to stop crying.

“How does that make me an idiot, though?” she raises her eyebrows again. “Clarke, don’t leave me hanging here, are you… don’t you want to marry me? Am I too old? Did I do something wrong? Did you change your mind?”

The brunette is starting to ramble in panic, but blue eyes look into hers intensely, so fucking much love, emotions raw as she cries with a smile on her lips.

“Yes, Lexa, I want to marry you.” The blonde just breathes, Lexa’s face between her hands, their foreheads resting against the other.

The brunette can feel her heart jump. She can feel the smile that is on her lips, her cheeks hurting as she feels Clarke tremble against her.

“You do?” Lexa is hopeful when she bites her bottom lip, watching the tears stream down Clarke’s face. She gently wipes them away, kissing her girlfriend on top of her nose.

“Yes, you idiot! I love you! I fucking… I fucking _want_ to be with you, _all the time_ , goddamnit.” Clarke laughs, pecking Lexa’s lips in between words. “I just… I didn’t know you wanted that with _me_.”

“What?” Lexa’s eyes grow wide in shock. “When did I ever make you think that?”

“You didn’t. It’s just my stupid insecurities, Lexa.” Clarke finally stops sobbing, looking so fucking beautiful it makes Lexa’s heart break. This is _her_ woman.

This is their story. Their lives.

And Clarke wants to spend it together, _forever_.

“You love me so pure, Lexa. I told you before – nobody ever treated me the way you treat me, nobody looks at me the way you do. Nobody has ever asked me this before and I just… I am an emotional mess.” Her blue eyes are close, even bluer with the salty liquid. Her lips trembling, her nose red when she sniffs again.

Instead of speaking, Lexa leans in gently, her lips searching Clarke’s.

The moment they touch, Lexa’s skin is on fire, tears streaming down her cheeks uncontrollably, desperately searching for more.

She deepens the kiss, not caring that she is crying.

She barely cried the past years, but Clarke can see it all today.

Their breaths erratic, Lexa’s tongue is desperate to find Clarke’s. She pants, needing her closer, needing more.

“I need you forever, Clarke.” Lexa breathes in between, feeling how Clarke’s hands almost rip the fabric of her shirt off her body.

“I need _more_.” The blonde lets out a shaky breath, already claiming Lexa’s lips again, panting, moaning, needing more contact.

Needing it _all._

“Wait, Clarke, what about your ring?”

The blonde barely registers the question.

“It took me weeks to find.” Lexa admits quietly, holding the box in front of Clarke’s face again, finally able to open it quietly.

It takes Clarke a few seconds to remove the gaze from Lexa’s face to the ring. She gasps shortly.

“Oh. It is fucking _beautiful._ ” She breathes as Lexa takes the ring out carefully.

She smiles when she watches Clarke hold out her fingers.

She slips the ring on the blonde’s finger carefully. It is perfect. It is white gold, with a light blue stone, shaped differently from the usual engagement rings.

“I don’t even know if it is officially an engagement ring, but Octavia convinced me that this would be the ring for you.” The brunette smiles shyly.

“It’s perfect, Lexa.” Clarke only smiles, watching the ring around her finger. “I am _yours_.”

“Not yet.” The brunette grins, but Clarke already kisses her again and her mind goes blank instantly, leaning into her touches.

Leaning into her _fiancée_.

The woman she will spend the rest of her life with.

“Okay, no matter how much I love kissing you, I can’t stay in this position much longer.” The brunette groans. “My knees can’t take this anymore.”

Laughing, Clarke helps her stand, rising from their position.

“It feels so weird.” She confesses, wiggling the finger with the ring on it.

Lexa is not able to stop smiling as she steps closer again.

Only, the grin on Clarke’s face tells her that the blonde is up to no good.

“Clarke?” she raises a suspicious eyebrow, eyeing the blonde.

Before she knows it, Clarke is dragging her towards the water.

“Wait! No! Nooo, no, Clarke, no!” Lexa is defenceless, laughing heartedly, trying to struggle out of the blonde’s grip, but she is laughing too hard to gain strength.

Before she knows it, her back hits the water, but she manages to pull the blonde with her.

They laugh, struggling to get up. They are soaked, their hair wet as they stand.

“You ruined my prosthetic.” Lexa cannot stop laughing as she watches the blonde’s eyes widen in realisation, the brunette leaning on Clarke heavily as they stand in the water that reaches their hips.

The water is surprisingly enough gently warm.

Lexa smiles when she watches Clarke giggle, her blonde hair dark with the water, her face covered with small drops, her eye lashes carrying them, too.

The lowering sun shines over the water and even with her wet socket, Lexa can’t move.

She watches how Clarke’s giggle fades.

“Wanna go skinny dipping?” the blonde suddenly asks, a challenging look on her face.

“Hmm, I can do that.” Lexa looks around, but they seem to be alone at this side of the lake.

The brunette watches Clarke strip in the water, walking to the shore to throw her clothes on the towel.

“Help me?” Lexa takes off her pants, also wanting her prosthetic off.

Clarke holds her as the brunette takes it off, lying it down, taking off all her clothes until they are both bare in the evening sun, staring into each others eyes deeply as they slowly start shivering, moving back to the water.

The blonde supports Lexa, falling into the gentle water again, floating on her back, looking up at the darkening sky.

Lexa does the same thing.

Honestly, she doesn’t even care what happens after today anymore. This moment is so fucking perfect that it almost can’t get better.

This moment is all she wants with Clarke, just the plain realisation of how fucking happy they are, how they belong together.

She imprints this moment in her memory as she gazes into the sky, slowly looking beside her to meet awaiting blue eyes.

The sun lowers into the water further and Lexa finds herself swimming to Clarke, standing on her one leg.

The blonde is already standing bare in the water, her boobs covered with droplets, her nipples stiff. Her hair wiped back, her look seductive.

“Fuck. I wish I would have taken my camera to capture you like this.” Lexa murmurs.

“If you think that I would ever let you photograph me naked, you overestimate me, Woods.” Clarke smiles, reaching out for Lexa to join her.

And she does.

Lexa wraps her legs around Clarke, her arms, too, letting the blonde carry her in the water.

They are so close, their faces. The sunlight making Clarke’s face look so fucking breath-taking.

Lexa can’t even find the words.

She opens her mouth to speak, but Clarke’s arms are around her, Clarke is all she sees, all she feels, all she _knows_.

All she wants and all she needs.

This love.

This perfect woman, hers.

It is as if she can finally breathe.

Finally live.

 _Forever_.

\\\

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol i didn't intend to write such emotional and fluffy things, so deep and well...... sappy.  
> I just feel like i am saying goodbye to something big. i just feel like this is the best fic i have ever written and once again i am tooooooo attached to them. i might even admit i shed a stupid fucking tear that somehow slipped out of my eye, wtf.
> 
> I stayed up for three hours to be able to post this for you. the final chapter. their fate. ugh, i will miss these two.
> 
> With pain in my heart, I hereby officially end this fic.
> 
> It was a true privilege to write this, guys. I want to thank you for all the love, that you stuck with me through all the angst.  
> I love you so much!!!  
> Also… this fic perhaps… calls for a sequel. Set entirely in Chicago. I am absolutely not promising anything, though!!!!! 
> 
> Right now I am dedicating all my free time to work on another fic, which will probably be mostly angst-free, but slow burn.  
> Anyways, you guys don’t have to be bored, because I will be uploading something within a few weeks or months again. I promise.  
> For now, take care and may we meet again ♡


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